8 months ago my Malcolm died and left a huge whole inside me. I miss him, the love the affection, the intimacy everything. I don't know how to settle it inside myself. Friends want me to start dating so I went out to dinner with a very nice man but all I could thin of was Malcolm. The guilt was so overwhelming I ended the date and went home. I know in my heart Malcolm would want me to find someone to love me, take care of me and make me smile again but my heart is not ready to move past him. How does one handle the loneliness, not crave to be held again, kissed, touched. How does one let go so you can move on? I miss him so much, the way he made me laugh, loved me, challenged me, believed in me, cared for me. I want to have a reason to smile again. Is it awful to want to move forward without him?

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Dear Anita,

I do not think you need to feel guilty and/or bad about going on the date OR your reaction to it. I think you needed to do BOTH, so _you_ will know when _you_ are ready (if ever) to date again.

You feel ambivalent - you don't want the long silences, the empty bed, the empty house. You see the eHarmony.com commercials (which I find Personally Annoying At Times (ha)), you see the couples in the restaurants, walking their dogs, with their children - and your heart aches to have someone (ideally, Malcolm, but you know you cannot) next to you.

Yet you do not want to forget Malcolm ..... and you feel you might be "untrue" to his memory if you start to think of life without him and life beyond him.

I think you are (a) wonderful (b) not awful; I think _you_ will know the time when you want to move on, to open your heart to love, again.

It has been nearly a year since Byron died on 29 June 2009; I miss him terribly, but I long for someone to come home to, someone to be able to say: "Can you believe what these people wanted me to do today; the Thirteenth Amendment Prohibits Slavery In These United States And I've Been Free For A Couple Of Hundred Years!) DISCLOSURE: 1. I am a Database Administrator (Oracle/SQL Server/some DB2) 2. I are a black woman (and yes, I said it (ha))

I find myself looking at other men, longing for one to be special to me; I may be old (I are a 1958 Baby), but I'm not dead, and I can see that UPS guys generally have nicer legs than FedEx guys and waaaay better legs than the United States Postal Service (it's the little brown shorts).

(And of course, ALL firefighters are _princes_ and are extremely cute!!!!!!! (a special "shout-out" to the fine gentlemen of Chino Valley Fire!)

And I'm pretty sure that Byron would want me to eventually find someone else, being (relatively) young...but NO ONE will ever take the place of my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluteus Maximus, and I will ALWAYS love him!


Peace, blessing and healing be with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Thank for the smile and laugh you sound like a very fun person
Personally I think 8 months is awfully earley, how can anyone move on that fast
Anita, take your time. Don't let people push you into something that you're not ready to do. I so miss the hugs, kisses and tender touches. I miss him calling me "Baby Girl". Oh to hear and feel him just one more time! I pray he will do that in my dreams one day.

Yaca posted "I find myself looking at other men, longing for one to be special to me; I may be old (I are a 1958 Baby), but I'm not dead, and I can see that UPS guys generally have nicer legs than FedEx guys and waaaay better legs than the United States Postal Service (it's the little brown shorts).

(And of course, ALL firefighters are _princes_ and are extremely cute!!!!!!!"

Yaca I do not notice the delivery guys because the are so young. I'm a 1947 baby and old as the hills. By the way, I am a proud 1/2 Puerto Rican, 1/2 Filipino woman. But I have ALWAYS had a thing for firemen. So sexy! Bo knew this and he would always tease me about it. I would like to meet a nice guy, just for companionship. I don't want to get married and I don't want to live with anyone. And, never say never, but my sex life is history. Been there, done that. Good luck to me for finding someone that would be satisfied with just being "friends". But God willing, if a good man comes along, I would be happy. Sending hugs to you my friends.....Linda
Dear Anita, I think that your reaction is you were maybe not that attracted to the man to begin with.And I am sure your husband would want you to be happy again.Just take your time and do what makes you happy.Your heart is still faithful to your husband and that is what so hard going on with our lives. I pray happiness in your life and courage also to keep on keeping on!.....Cindy
When my niece at 28 years old was killed by an old man who had a heart attack and died behind the wheel of the car he was driving, and hit my niece, her husband started dating an old girl friend of his before a year had passed. Loni and I thought it was a very good thing for him to be doing. He is now married to that woman. Others thought very little of him, and thought he was not remembering my niece at all. Not true. To have known my niece, no one could forget her ever. There were over 400 hundred people from all over this area that came to her memorial, and the firefighters in this area were out on the streets with their boots collecting money for her child and husband for their future.
Life does not stop. It's been six months since my Loni died from cancer, and today I went out for the first time for breakfast, by myself and went to a ghost town of the gold rush times here in California. I thought I might see some of the local people there that I might know. Not the case, but I at least got out of the house for a spell. This whole area that I live in is full of tourist, and there is always something going on, and alot of places to go to close by. Meeting people is stil a hard thing to do, but I am trying. Loni will be in my heart no matter what I do, or when !
Dear Anita,
Everyone is different and you must do whatever is comfortable for you. I am just speaking for myself, just to add my own thoughts that I only miss being held by Danny, being touched by Danny, being cared for by Danny, being in the presence of Danny, I only want Danny's touch and kiss and not anyone else's, and I don't crave being with anyone else. Of course others are on a separate level than I. I only want him. But maybe others are better off than me or in a better place who want to have certain needs met by another's attention or love and that can happen, but I know in my heart that there will never be another for me. But, don't forget I'm only speaking for myself. I just am unable to think in those terms. I don't believe it's awful to want to move forward without your spouse, I believe you are just being human. It's a good thing that you want to have a reason to smile again. You are doing better than me in those regards and I admire you for that. I pray you can move forward and look forward to whatever it is that you seek and I pray you have peace.
God bless,
Suzanne
Oh Yaca, did you bring a smile to my face this morning!Like you, I would prefer to have my decrepit old man back but since that is impossible, I am left to atleast "check out"what`s out there in the world- and I am with you-Firefighters have the BEST legs and great personalities:)Yaca Attwood said:
Dear Anita,

I do not think you need to feel guilty and/or bad about going on the date OR your reaction to it. I think you needed to do BOTH, so _you_ will know when _you_ are ready (if ever) to date again.

You feel ambivalent - you don't want the long silences, the empty bed, the empty house. You see the eHarmony.com commercials (which I find Personally Annoying At Times (ha)), you see the couples in the restaurants, walking their dogs, with their children - and your heart aches to have someone (ideally, Malcolm, but you know you cannot) next to you.

Yet you do not want to forget Malcolm ..... and you feel you might be "untrue" to his memory if you start to think of life without him and life beyond him.

I think you are (a) wonderful (b) not awful; I think _you_ will know the time when you want to move on, to your heart to love, again.

It has been nearly a year since Byron died on 29 June 2009; I miss him terribly, but I long for someone to come home to, someone to be able to say: "Can you believe what these people wanted me to do today; the Thirteenth Amendment Prohibits Slavery In These United States And I've Been Free For A Couple Of Hundred Years!) DISCLOSURE: 1. I am a (Oracle/SQL Server/some DB2) 2. I are a black woman (and yes, I said it (ha))

I find myself looking at other men, longing for one to be special to me; I may be old (I are a 1958 Baby), but I'm not dead, and I can see that UPS guys generally have nicer legs than FedEx guys and waaaay better legs than the United States Postal Service (it's the little brown shorts).

(And of course, ALL firefighters are _princes_ and are extremely cute!!!!!!! (a special "shout-out" to the fine gentlemen of Chino Valley Fire!)

And I'm pretty sure that Byron would want me to eventually find someone else, being (relatively) young...but NO ONE will ever take the place of my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluteus Maximus, and I will ALWAYS love him!


Peace, blessing and healing be with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Suzanne, I agree with you completely. I long for and miss my wife sooo much. Being a one woman guy for over 44 years and now I have no one. I have no friends and her friends disappeared when she died. I wish everyone the very best in their quest for continuing on. As for me, I must resolve myself that I will be alone now, out to pasture. I will not look on this "dating" subject again as my chances of moving on are nill and it is heartbreaking for me to even think about it. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.
Tom,
I am so glad to hear that you are getting out a little bit. Like you, I am alone and trying to get used to doing things by myself. It is a hard adjustment, but I know John would not want me to sit around here like a spider. Life will never be the same but it does go on. Ite>Tom said:
When my niece at 28 years old was killed by an old man who had a heart attack and died behind the wheel of the car he was driving, and hit my niece, her husband started dating an old girl friend of his before a year had passed. Loni and I thought it was a very good thing for him to be doing. He is now married to that woman. Others thought very little of him, and thought he was not remembering my niece at all. Not true. To have known my niece, no one could forget her ever. There were over 400 hundred people from all over this area that came to her memorial, and the firefighters in this area were out on the streets with their boots collecting money for her child and husband for their future.
Life does not stop. It's been six months since my Loni died from cancer, and today I went out for the first time for breakfast, by myself and went to a ghost town of the gold rush times here in California. I thought I might see some of the local people there that I might know. Not the case, but I at least got out of the house for a spell. This whole area that I live in is full of tourist, and there is always something going on, and alot of places to go to close by. Meeting people is stil a hard thing to do, but I am trying. Loni will be in my heart no matter what I do, or when !
If you are at the point in your recovery where you feel like dating, God Bless you. I will never even consider dating anyone even on a casual level. I had the one man in my life that meant the world to me and I will never want another. When you have the best, you don't need the rest. Some of you ladies are still quite young and I can understand why you might want to see someone else. I think it is a personal decision that each of us have to make. But don't let anyone force you into something that you are not ready for. When and if the time is right, you will know it. Good luck to you.
Connie, I know what you mean by when you had the best you do not want the rest and I did and still do. What is the point when you going to compare every man to your soulmate, I would! I mean I got so used to things although we are/were married for 17 years, I do not feel like a 'widow' hate the description should be abolished. The lonely nights are going to be the hardest leaning against a shoulder and have your little chats but I still do it talking to his pictues. Fernando is always going to be a part of me and I am not sure if another man would like it! Everyone for themselves and I wish happiness but I like to be with my Baby. I have good friends but I do think they are lost in helping me and for some of my husbands so called friends,,,,,... No words! Anita go for it and try, keep us posted.

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