I do not think you need to feel guilty and/or bad about going on the date OR your reaction to it. I think you needed to do BOTH, so _you_ will know when _you_ are ready (if ever) to date again.
You feel ambivalent - you don't want the long silences, the empty bed, the empty house. You see the eHarmony.com commercials (which I find Personally Annoying At Times (ha)), you see the couples in the restaurants, walking their dogs, with their children - and your heart aches to have someone (ideally, Malcolm, but you know you cannot) next to you.
Yet you do not want to forget Malcolm ..... and you feel you might be "untrue" to his memory if you start to think of life without him and life beyond him.
I think you are (a) wonderful (b) not awful; I think _you_ will know the time when you want to move on, to your heart to love, again.
It has been nearly a year since Byron died on 29 June 2009; I miss him terribly, but I long for someone to come home to, someone to be able to say: "Can you believe what these people wanted me to do today; the Thirteenth Amendment Prohibits Slavery In These United States And I've Been Free For A Couple Of Hundred Years!) DISCLOSURE: 1. I am a (Oracle/SQL Server/some DB2) 2. I are a black woman (and yes, I said it (ha))
I find myself looking at other men, longing for one to be special to me; I may be old (I are a 1958 Baby), but I'm not dead, and I can see that UPS guys generally have nicer legs than FedEx guys and waaaay better legs than the United States Postal Service (it's the little brown shorts).
(And of course, ALL firefighters are _princes_ and are extremely cute!!!!!!! (a special "shout-out" to the fine gentlemen of Chino Valley Fire!)
And I'm pretty sure that Byron would want me to eventually find someone else, being (relatively) young...but NO ONE will ever take the place of my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluteus Maximus, and I will ALWAYS love him!
Peace, blessing and healing be with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
When my niece at 28 years old was killed by an old man who had a heart attack and died behind the wheel of the car he was driving, and hit my niece, her husband started dating an old girl friend of his before a year had passed. Loni and I thought it was a very good thing for him to be doing. He is now married to that woman. Others thought very little of him, and thought he was not remembering my niece at all. Not true. To have known my niece, no one could forget her ever. There were over 400 hundred people from all over this area that came to her memorial, and the firefighters in this area were out on the streets with their boots collecting money for her child and husband for their future.
Life does not stop. It's been six months since my Loni died from cancer, and today I went out for the first time for breakfast, by myself and went to a ghost town of the gold rush times here in California. I thought I might see some of the local people there that I might know. Not the case, but I at least got out of the house for a spell. This whole area that I live in is full of tourist, and there is always something going on, and alot of places to go to close by. Meeting people is stil a hard thing to do, but I am trying. Loni will be in my heart no matter what I do, or when !