Greetings, all

Yesterday (18 June 2010), I had a dentist appointment, and the dentist's office is located 5 minutes from St. Jude Hospital in Fullerton, California. As I was driving there, I realized that it was EXACTLY one year ago, nearly to the very minute, that I was driving into the St. Jude's parking lot to go into the Emergency Room where they were taking Byron.

I started to re-live all the events of that day; how the home health nurse had come to our place, taken one look at him, told him he had to go to the hospital NOW, how she arranged for the ambulance to take him to St. Jude's and not Chino Valley - all of that.

I remembered being in the Emergency Room - all the various people who came in and out to take blood and other samples, X-rays, etc, etc - and then he was admitted to the Intensive Care Unit. I stayed with him until late that night (he looked like the bridge of the Enterprise - he had so many leads, tubes, catheters (he did NOT like when the Foley was inserted, let me tell you - my hand remembers it well!) ).

I look, and I think "He had another 11 days left to live; I just did not know it then". I remembered visiting him after leaving work in Brea, parking, getting the wristband, going up to Intensive Care, having to phone and be buzzed in. I remember watching the heart monitors, the SpO2 monitors, the buzzing, humming. I remember that he also did NOT like the little restraints on his hands (he kept trying to pull out the catheter and the IV - the nurse even told me that he was a crafty one - he was aware enough to wait until she would leave and then try to remove things - we both smiled)

I remember him being transferred, I remember dissolving into tears with three separate MSW's, telling them I simply could not take him back home and care for him anymore - then the doctor agreeing to put him into hospice. I remember meeting the hospice coordinators (and a big "shout-out" to the Visiting Nurse Association of the Inland Empire - you guys are THE BEST!!!!!)

I remember interviewing caregivers to be with him while I was at work; I chose the agency that actually CAME to the hospital to meet him and talk to me, even though they cost more.

Even though I remember all of this and more....the things the various doctors said to me were a blur - there was the liver specialist who said Byron had a '50-50' chance (being a stone-cold computer geek, I started researching everything on Maddrey's Determinant, liver disease, treatments, etc) - I later realized that when I heard his Maddrey's Determinant was 69 - he was doomed (anything above 30 means that the person will likely die within 30-60 days)

A year later - I'm involved in The Great Data Center Move (even as I type this, I am increasing the size of an Oracle database on a development/Disaster Recovery server so I can Import the data from the production database into the disaster recovery copy because the end-user is nervous about all the activities happening regarding the move....I have been in many a looooong meeting, while trying to juggle email requests from users and other things)

On the 25th, when he was released from the hospital, and I was waiting for the ambulance to bring him home (he'd had them call me and then he got on the phone, begging me to bring his pants and come and get him - and I kept having to say, "Sweetie, I can't bring you home in the car (325i Bimmer)". As I was waiting, something just said to me: "They're sending him home to die" - and he did, four days later, on 29 June 2009.

This current week in June, 2010 is a very strange one - I have peace, I have painful memories, I cry at home, and are Ms. DBA at work.....I look at his picture, the things from the hospice - and there is an aspect of unreality about it - so much has happened in the past year!

The actual day Byron died, the 29th, is a Tuesday, and since I am involved in The Great Data Center Move, I will need to be at work (life of a DBA)...and that is okay, because it will keep me very busy, but when I get home, there will be the fact that it will have been one year since Byron Raymond Perkins, my beloved Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluteus Maximus died.


Peace, comfort, healing and blessings be with and upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

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Replies to This Discussion

I am so sorry of Bryon passing. Yca, there is something funny and laidback about you. I have read your comments before and found it so witty and a lovely sense of humor. YOU are a very strong woman and that is definitly reflected in every word. My Baby pas... nearly four month 25. I find it harder to cope with time although people keep saying time is a healer. That is so not true, we are just getting better in coping with the pain, emptiness and lonelyness. I feel for you as it cames up to your first anniverssary, I am dreading mine. My thoughts going to be with your. with lots of hugs Hulya
Hello Yaca,
I am so sorry that you have gone through what I believe is the worst imaginable trauma that anyone could experience. You seem to have an attitude of serenity and I wanted you to know that I only hope I will be able to have one tenth of the strength that you seem to have. It has been almost 5 months for me and I am not looking forward to the many many milestones for my husband and I but with God I have a feeling I'll get through these special days and holidays in the coming months ahead. But even though I realize that my faith has been carrying me through each day I am dreading the anniversary of Dan's passing away. I feel so strongly about that upcoming emotion-filled day I would only hope I wouldn't be here when it comes. I know that I have truly wonderful people that are here and at grief support groups that are with me as God's angels to me. But that is the day that seems to be looming ahead as my heart will fall to pieces again, I don't think that I can handle it. It will mean that it will be a fact that Danny will really be my past. I hope and pray God calls me before that day comes because I am not looking forward to January 22, my heart is breaking again just thinking about it. But, if I'm still here, I will try to remember that I will have you as an example for which I can aspire. You are truly inspirational and as your year mark comes for you I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne
Fernandohula, it is really normal for people to feel worse four and five months after the loss. I know this from experience and also because it is happening to me also. I think this is sort of where you loose the somewhat protective shield of shock and disbeleaf. Also as you said you get somewhat better at coping or maybe just pretending. You learn to wear a normal mask better. I think some people are perhaps gifted with more bounce back ability, I wish that were me, but not so.

Fernandohulya said:
I am so sorry of Bryon passing. Yca, there is something funny and laidback about you. I have read your comments before and found it so witty and a lovely sense of humor. YOU are a very strong woman and that is definitly reflected in every word. My Baby pas... nearly four month 25. I find it harder to cope with time although people keep saying time is a healer. That is so not true, we are just getting better in coping with the pain, emptiness and lonelyness. I feel for you as it cames up to your first anniverssary, I am dreading mine. My thoughts going to be with your. with lots of hugs Hulya
Judy, you are so right that I acquire a'normal' face. My family and relatives live in Germany and I feel here they have somewhat different attitude. The english "upper lip" and I am emotional person and I am a bit weary of people now and the gossip that goes with it. I keep myself to myself and only chose people who I want to talk but there are to many people who's life seems really boring or they need to invovle in others affairs. Most of the times it is so difficult I only make a journey to the grave and back.

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