Do you feel invisible?

Four months of weeks, of days and hours. When will this pain end, or will it ever. Don't they know how much I still hurt, how much I want and need my husband back. I feel like I am invisible. My children still call on occasion but they have their lives and families. My friends, don't call as often. They ask how I am, no different than I would ask them how they are. It's as if, I should be beyond the grieving and getting on with my life. I sit here by myself. We had just retired and were going to enjoy ourselves, oh how wrong our thinking was on that one. I am only 64 years old and I have no more hope of any future, no happiness. I've been widowed twice, I cannot bear to do this again. I only want to go with my husband, to see his eyes light up when I walk in the room, to hold his hand again as we walk down the street, to sit for hours together because we liked each others company. But the future only holds long lonely days. I feel so invisible, as everyone else goes about their lives. I know you all feel the same. That is one thing about this site, you soon learn your feeling mirror others. I don't expect to be happy again, I just want to be ok.

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Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on June 25, 2010 at 7:35pm

Mary, my name is cindy and I really could relate to everything that you wrote on june 22nd. It will be 4 months tomorrow since my husband and best friend passed on. I had so many people calling the first couple of days and then suddenly the phone never rings. Even people that like to say they are my good friends very rarely call. People seem to distance themselves from me like I have the plague. It has taught me to start reaching out to others when they lose someone close. Because we need it. We need to know someone out their cares how we feel and how we are doing. People at work stopped asking me after my first day back from the funeral leave. I just dont think people really know what it is like, until they experience it themselves. I will always be willing to help those others that are grieving because I know how bad I am hurting.Bless your heart for having to go through loosing a husband twice.I grieved over a divorce I went through after 14 yrs of marriage, but a death is a whole different situation.May God bless you.

Permalink Reply by judy on June 25, 2010 at 8:54pm

Totally understand. My husband and I married 47 years. I am 66 a birthday on June 7 and what would have been 48th wedding anniversary on June 8. I received probably two dozen telephone calls from friends who have known Tim and I for years wishing me HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Just how happy do they think I am? Also got one from sister in law. Her husband is Tim's youngest brother. They than went on vacation and posted about 100 pictures of them together in various places. I don't understand, I feel that I would try to be more sensitive to grief situations. I think people really do think you recover from grief so much more rapidly than you do. More grief education might help but some people are short on imagination and don't understand until they experience the same thing which, if they are married, they have a 50 per cent chance of doing. I would not wish this on anyone but it is extremely painful.

Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on June 26, 2010 at 8:07pm

I too am one of the "Invisibles" but I became that way about 2-3 years before my wife passed to Gods hands. She was ill and all of my time was spent with her or on her behalf. She could not go out (sometimes even missing physicians appointments). I got so used to that lifestyle that when Rose passed on it was like I was losing my last friend. Luckily I still wake up wondering where she is in the house (she used to fall, and also go unconsious), also when I spend too much time on the computer (I am a Systems Analyst) at home it hits me that I haven't checked on her in a while.
In all cases it doesn't take too long before I realize that she is not here and that is when I hurt for just a while. All in all though I appreciate the "episodes" because it brings her back just for that little while.

I have coworkers and friends that try and get me to go to social events but I know how I will feel like a "third wheel" as everybody else is either married or has a significant other, so I don't.

We were together for 32 years and I am so reclusive that my son, daughter-in-law, and grand kids are in town for 10 days as of yesterday. They typically stay with her parents since they have rooms prepared for them and the kids, and I will probably force myself to go over there to visit and see them so I can see how big the grand kids are getting. The grand kids hardly know me and the first of the two was born 3 months after Rose passed away which tears me up as she was so looking forward to being a grandmother (she was 49, died on May31st and her 50th bday would have been Aug 10th). Our first grandchild was born 9/7 and while I was so happy for them I was torn up and even balling at work.

Work is my reality check and I can normally keep my composure there and it is my only social life even though I don't go out to eat or go to their parties unless they are at work. Lately my neuro problems have been acting up so I am on FMLA and ordinarily miss anywhere from 1 day to the whole week. Luckily I had a lot of sick and vacation time and just started earning more since I have been there 25 years.

I don't know how anybody else celebrates their spouses special days but I donate funds in my wifes name so that nobody will forget her. I feel so bad for her since she lost her friends after becoming ill and not being able to get out.

It's not like I'm wealthy, rather I am a poor philanthropist and usually wind up with less than $100 at the end of the month which doesn't bother me any bit at all.

God bless and help you all,
Fred Dunn

PS - let me apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors in advance as I took my meds about 45 minutes ago.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on June 26, 2010 at 10:55pm

Fred said:

I too am one of the "Invisibles" but I became that way about 2-3 years before my wife passed to Gods hands. She was ill and all of my time was spent with her or on her behalf. She could not go out (sometimes even missing physicians appointments). I got so used to that lifestyle that when Rose passed on it was like I was losing my last friend. Luckily I still wake up wondering where she is in the house (she used to fall, and also go unconsious), also when I spend too much time on the computer (I am a Systems Analyst) at home it hits me that I haven't checked on her in a while.
In all cases it doesn't take too long before I realize that she is not here and that is when I hurt for just a while. All in all though I appreciate the "episodes" because it brings her back just for that little while. I have coworkers and friends that try and get me to go to social events but I know how I will feel like a "third wheel" as everybody else is either married or has a significant other, so I don't.

We were together for 32 years and I am so reclusive that my son, daughter-in-law, and grand kids are in town for 10 days as of yesterday. They typically stay with her parents since they have rooms prepared for them and the kids, and I will probably force myself to go over there to visit and see them so I can see how big the grand kids are getting. The grand kids hardly know me and the first of the two was born 3 months after Rose passed away which tears me up as she was so looking forward to being a grandmother (she was 49, died on May31st and her 50th bday would have been Aug 10th). Our first grandchild was born 9/7 and while I was so happy for them I was torn up and even balling at work.

Work is my reality check and I can normally keep my composure there and it is my only social life even though I don't go out to eat or go to their parties unless they are at work. Lately my neuro problems have been acting up so I am on FMLA and ordinarily miss anywhere from 1 day to the whole week. Luckily I had a lot of sick and vacation time and just started earning more since I have been there 25 years.

I don't know how anybody else celebrates their spouses special days but I donate funds in my wifes name so that nobody will forget her. I feel so bad for her since she lost her friends after becoming ill and not being able to get out.

It's not like I'm wealthy, rather I am a poor philanthropist and usually wind up with less than $100 at the end of the month which doesn't bother me any bit at all.

God bless and help you all,
Fred Dunn

PS - let me apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors in advance as I took my meds about 45 minutes ago.

Permalink Reply by re on July 2, 2010 at 12:12pm

Hi Mary, I am sorry to hear about the death of your husband, and the pain that you are going through because of it. When a person lose a love one in death it is a very painful experience. The pain that is felt with the loss of a loved one can last for months, sometimes even years. One thing that has helped many people to cope with the death of a loved one is by turning to God for comfort. In God's word the bible it tells us a promise that God promises he is going to do in the near future. This is brought out in the bible book of John 5:28,29 where it says: "Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out..." This verse is helping us to see that soon God will resurrect many of those who had died in the past. You have that hope of seeing your husband back alive again. This is not some mere fantasy or a feel good story. Throughout the bible it tells us of some people who had died and was resurrected back to life. But in the near future God promises to do this on a worldwide scale. In fact not only is God planning to resurrect those who had died in the past but he plans to do something else. This is brought out in the bible book of 1 Corinthians 15:26 where it says "As the last enemy, death is to be brought to nothing." This verse helps us to see that in the near future God will put an end to death. No more will anybody have to worry about dying or their love one dying again. But until that time comes when God brings about such conditions, he tells us to pray to him for comfort. This is brought out in the bible book of Psalms 55:22 where it says: "Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, And he himself will sustain you. Never will he allow the righteous one to totter." This verse helps us to see that Jehovah God promises to comfort us and sustain us with whatever is causing us to be depressed or feeling emotional pain, if we pray to him with our problems. The reason why he is able to do this is because he knows exactly what we are going through. To learn more of what blessings God offers now and the near future, feel free to send me a message, and I will be happy to share it with you.

Permalink Reply by bc on July 2, 2010 at 6:47pm

I feel the same, I don't ever expect to be happy again, I miss everything Brad & I did together, which was everything. Now I'm alone and I don't look forward to anything, I try, but my heart is so broken it will never get put back together again. In a month it will be a year since Brad passed away so suddenly I didn't even have a chance to say good-bye, give him a kiss and hug. One minute he was there, walked out the door to the car and then he was gone. Oh, I want to give up so much, but I have two daughters who need me, that's the only reason I have to go on. I just had to go through one week of memories...all in one week was Brad's birthday, our anniversary and Father's Day. Now soon it will be the one year anniversary of his death. I dont know how I can handle much more. Everyone says, you will get through it, but no one tells me how because they haven't been where I am. I feel so alone.