Wish I died instead of you.

The 13th of this July will be the 1 year anniversary of my husbands death. We were married for 10 years, but off and on for about 13 years. (Childhood sweethearts I guess you could say.)

He was only 28 when he passed away. For the last year & a half of his life, he was suffering more and more.
He went into the ER 1 day because he was having such a hard time trying to breath. I have been in the ER many times in the past for asthma attacks, so he was thinking that he just must have asthma now as well. But when he got there they couldn't even feel his pulse because it was going so fast. He was at 250 beats per minute. (The normal is 60 bpm - 100 bpm.) They rushed a wheelchair in & hooked him up to all kinds of machines right away.

When I got down to the hospital the doctor came in the room and informed us that my husband had Congestive Heart Failure, and that he was most likely going to need a transplant.

He ended up having to get a pacemaker/defibrillator put in a little less then a year later.
I remember this one time (about a month before he passed away) he brought home a copy of his chest x-ray and showed it to me. I looked at it but I couldn’t see where his heart was in the image. After a few more seconds of not being able to find it, I finally just asked him,
“Where is your heart?”
To which he replied, “It’s right there in front of you.”
And then I realized that his heart was so enlarged from the CHF that I had mistaken it as his lung.

Two weeks before he passed away, he went into the hospital again and was diagnosed with pneumonia. The next day, he went on life support.

During the last 2 weeks of his life he had undergone numerous amounts of surgeries and procedures in efforts to save his life.
I thought I was going to be able to talk about this more, but I just can’t bring myself to write about the details at the moment because it’s just too painful for me to relive all of that right now. So on that note I’ll end this with saying that...
In the end, his heart was just too weak to keep the rest of his organs healthy, and he wasn’t able to get a donor heart for a transplant in time for the doctors to save his life.
But I know one thing for sure, I would have given him my heart without hesitation if only the doctors would let me.

To me, it would be well worth it to know that our children got to grow up with their Daddy in their life.

Thank you for letting me vent.

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Permalink Reply by Paula 2 on July 3, 2010 at 8:54pm

I am so sorry this happened to you and your beautiful children. I hope you are surrounded with love and light to see you through this horrific time. You have right to feel anything that helps you and I understand exactly why you feel as you do. I wish I had words to give that could help, but in truth, there are none. I will say that it helps me when I feel like crying for hours if I just go ahead and do it. One woman said that she tried to hold back for her children. When she just couldn't she found that they surrounded her and cried too. They needed it as much as she did. I will think of you and hope that you are surrounded by his love even though you cannot see him. Your art was a beautiful tribute to him and expressed the pain of grief so well. Thank you.

Permalink Reply by judy on July 3, 2010 at 10:25pm

Rachel, I am so sorry this happened to you and your husband. You are a beautiful girl with such beautiful children. I am so sorry that you got so few years together. It does seem unfair and I know you would have given him your heart without a moments hesitation. You are in my thoughts and prayers. It is painful for all of us. I do think being able to express your pain is the most important thing right now. We will all be as helpful to you as we possibly can.

Permalink Reply by Connie on July 3, 2010 at 10:35pm

Rachel, My heart goes out to you and your children. Losing your husband is a terrible thing to live through. At your husband's age it is such a horrible thing. I lived through the massive heart attack, CHF, defibrillator, and heart transplant before losing my husband to a blood infection. Please know that we are all here for you whenever you need to vent or just chat.

Permalink Reply by Rachael on July 4, 2010 at 1:52am

thank you.

Paula 2 said:

I am so sorry this happened to you and your beautiful children. I hope you are surrounded with love and light to see you through this horrific time. You have right to feel anything that helps you and I understand exactly why you feel as you do. I wish I had words to give that could help, but in truth, there are none. I will say that it helps me when I feel like crying for hours if I just go ahead and do it. One woman said that she tried to hold back for her children. When she just couldn't she found that they surrounded her and cried too. They needed it as much as she did. I will think of you and hope that you are surrounded by his love even though you cannot see him. Your art was a beautiful tribute to him and expressed the pain of grief so well. Thank you.

Permalink Reply by Rachael on July 4, 2010 at 1:53am

thank you

Connie said:

Rachel, My heart goes out to you and your children. Losing your husband is a terrible thing to live through. At your husband's age it is such a horrible thing. I lived through the massive heart attack, CHF, defibrillator, and heart transplant before losing my husband to a blood infection. Please know that we are all here for you whenever you need to vent or just chat.

Permalink Reply by Rachael on July 4, 2010 at 1:53am

thank you

judy said:

Rachel, I am so sorry this happened to you and your husband. You are a beautiful girl with such beautiful children. I am so sorry that you got so few years together. It does seem unfair and I know you would have given him your heart without a moments hesitation. You are in my thoughts and prayers. It is painful for all of us. I do think being able to express your pain is the most important thing right now. We will all be as helpful to you as we possibly can.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on July 4, 2010 at 9:30am

Rachael I am very sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing this wonderful tribute of your husband with us. I am even tired of asking how can God do this. You have very beautiful children, your husband has given you a part of him that will ultimately help you heal. We all have to hurt and suffer here, that is one common bond we all share with each other. I cry every day when one of my children comes to me quietly and says that he misses his dad. Your children are so small. Please take good care of yourself as now your are the only one for them. Anything you want to say we are always here to listen. Your in pain.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on July 4, 2010 at 12:29pm

Dear Rachael,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are feeling horrendous and the pain is overwhelming and I wish you didn't have to go through this. Such sorrow and sadness. I have been told that I have put in words what others are thinking and feeling but you have been able to put our words into vivid pictures, I can feel and see your pain and I will remember you in my prayers. May you find some kind of peace although I know it would be hard, but I will still pray for you. In my position, knowing I don't have young children to take care of and a job that I must keep to support anyone but myself I have another perspective but I know it's not yours, of course. In my case, as sad and depressing and difficult and with unbearable heartbreak I endure each and every day, I think to myself that because God in His infinite wisdom chose Danny first I was given the knowledge somehow with all that I needed to do to prepare us for the inevitable was able to be accomplished. For if I went first to put it bluntly I and my husband would have to be buried in a cardboard box (I am serious), because that is what we chose as the least expensive pre-planning arrangement nine years ago when Dan's parents gave him a small inheritance after Dan's Mother, the last of our parents who all passed away. He wouldn't have paid to upgrade the casket, and to ask anyone for help with our family getting together after the wake, and Church service, and interment, but I did. The pain he would have had instead of me having the pain of outliving him would have sent him to..... well, I don't even want to think about it. I live constantly, as I know you probably do with the heartwrenching, unbearable pain of knowing he's gone and we'll never see one another in this life again, and I know that I was everything to him, it would have killed him. We certainly wouldn't have had a double cemetery marker, and with everything that needed to be done, he would have just given it all up for his sadness over his loss for me which I am really glad he never had to endure. Right now all I am doing is waiting for God to call me, as I said here and many times I might add that I just hope He doesn't wait too long to call me, but He must have His reasons for why and when. This is not to say that I have any judgement on you or anyone else whatsoever. That is just my story and this is just the way I see things in my own life. I, like everyone who has lost a spouse, are of those who can truly say we know how you feel. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.
God bless you and may He take care of you,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Mrs V on July 5, 2010 at 12:34pm

I am sorry you have to go through this and appreciative of your sharing your love story.

In your shoes he would expect you to move on and I hope one day you will wake up and recognize this. I lost my husband to lung cancer on May 4th, 60 days after we found out he had it. One day I hope to wake up and be ready to move on with my life.

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