my first getaway since my husband died

My husband and I had planned a trip to san antonio tx to a international alchoholic annonamous convention before we found out about his cancer. Needless to say I cancelled after finding out all the grueling details of his disease. Some fellow members who were going told me I really should go . Roger would have wanted me too. I tried to back out several times but my gut kept telling me to go. I went down with three other women, one of whom lost her husband about two years ago. I had hoped maybe her and I could really bond, however she definantly isnt grieving the way i am.However i think she had a different type of marriage. Anyway it was nice to get away for a few days but i couldnt help but thinking throughout the whole trip how much my husband would have loved being at the convention. My mind wouldnt let me stop thinking about him. Which since we had planned this together is the way it should be. But it was also very sad and depressing for me. I miss my husband so much, it hurts so bad, at times I want to just die. I would never take my own life, but I do believe you can grieve yourself to death. I just feel like with him gone I have no purpose. I am only 55 but since all this happened I feel like I am around 80.I read what you all have written and alot of you feel exactly the way I do and I honestly pray for you, because this is no way to be living, its not really living , its existing. I keep thinking why did this have to happen, what was the purpose. The only thing that makes any sense to me, is perhaps, if I am to die soon, it wont be hard for me to say goodbye, like it would have been if my husband was still around.I know this might sound rather morbid but I have really felt this way ever since my husband passed away.It is the only thing that makes any sense to me. Please, lets keep each other all close in prayer. July 17th would have been our 11th wedding aniversary.I spoke with my brother in law today, he told me to maybe get a hobby. I am just thankful I can drag myself to work everyday. Noone knows the horror of loosing a spouse until they go through it. Some people apparently do it better than others, which was shown to me this past week end, but we are all individuals.I dont enjoy life anymore and it scares me that this maybe as good as it gets, but my mother told me ,if i would think positively things would get better.That is probably true but how do you make yourself feel something that you dont feel.love to you all and a belated happy 4th of july.

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Permalink Reply by Joyce Frey on July 5, 2010 at 8:22pm

Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss, and I have experienced it and know your pain. I lost my husband and best friend of 23 years to cancer and then 5 years later, when I thought I would probably survive, I lost my daughter. It is devestating and rips you in half. I felt as though half of me was dead and the other half was just going through the motions. How do you survive? You just do, you take each day as it comes, putting one foot in front of the other and move forward. You don't always want to, you don't always feel like you will survive, but you do....and it gets better. It takes time, it takes talking about it to whomever will listen. Tell your story. Cry. Reach out, don't just sit at home, go out with a friend, a co-worker. Time does heal. I did not think I could survive, but I did. It was a struggle, but I made it, and you will too.

Hugs and prayers for you Cindy!

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 6, 2010 at 8:39pm

joyce, thank you so very much for replying. i cant even imagine loosing my daughter, after my husband. i do know that i have no control over what happens. i want to say that my heart goes out to you and you are an inspiration.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on July 7, 2010 at 7:21am

Cindy,What you're saying is something we all have felt.The desire not to live anymore without our spouses.Our joy is gone.But by going on your trip,you've started on the road to recovery.Baby steps!You should be proud of yourself!We will have to live with this grief the rest of our lives.After 10 months,I'm starting to be able to function a little better.It is so different for each of us.Good Luck on your journey.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on July 7, 2010 at 3:53pm

Cindy, I feel the same why am i here alone without him? I just want to pass away, die, so we can meet and I am in peace. This October we have our 16 Anniversary and in 2014 it would have been the 20th Anniversary and the 30 Anniverswary 2024.
That is true unless you gone through losing your husband, soulmate and lover no one will understand. I feel so .... lost and the world turns while I watch but do not understand my sense of existence.

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