My husband and I had planned a trip to san antonio tx to a international alchoholic annonamous convention before we found out about his cancer. Needless to say I cancelled after finding out all the grueling details of his disease. Some fellow members who were going told me I really should go . Roger would have wanted me too. I tried to back out several times but my gut kept telling me to go. I went down with three other women, one of whom lost her husband about two years ago. I had hoped maybe her and I could really bond, however she definantly isnt grieving the way i am.However i think she had a different type of marriage. Anyway it was nice to get away for a few days but i couldnt help but thinking throughout the whole trip how much my husband would have loved being at the convention. My mind wouldnt let me stop thinking about him. Which since we had planned this together is the way it should be. But it was also very sad and depressing for me. I miss my husband so much, it hurts so bad, at times I want to just die. I would never take my own life, but I do believe you can grieve yourself to death. I just feel like with him gone I have no purpose. I am only 55 but since all this happened I feel like I am around 80.I read what you all have written and alot of you feel exactly the way I do and I honestly pray for you, because this is no way to be living, its not really living , its existing. I keep thinking why did this have to happen, what was the purpose. The only thing that makes any sense to me, is perhaps, if I am to die soon, it wont be hard for me to say goodbye, like it would have been if my husband was still around.I know this might sound rather morbid but I have really felt this way ever since my husband passed away.It is the only thing that makes any sense to me. Please, lets keep each other all close in prayer. July 17th would have been our 11th wedding aniversary.I spoke with my brother in law today, he told me to maybe get a hobby. I am just thankful I can drag myself to work everyday. Noone knows the horror of loosing a spouse until they go through it. Some people apparently do it better than others, which was shown to me this past week end, but we are all individuals.I dont enjoy life anymore and it scares me that this maybe as good as it gets, but my mother told me ,if i would think positively things would get better.That is probably true but how do you make yourself feel something that you dont feel.love to you all and a belated happy 4th of july.