fearing to tread.....

Greetings, all

I was wondering if any of you have experienced the following: the anniversary of Byron's death was 29 June 2010 - and except for one person, no one called or contacted me that day.

About a week later, I received several contacts from friends and family saying, "well, I didn't want to disturb you on that day; I thought you might be too upset, etc, etc, etc"

I guess this surprises me - I _wanted_ people to remember; I _wanted_ people to take note of the date - one person told me, "I didn't want to hear you crying...." Okayyyyyy.

I awoke early that day, cried for about 15-20 minutes, opened my Memory Box, looked at his baby pictures, our wedding pictures, his doctoral graduation pictures - then got ready for work, because it is The Summer Of Oil And The Great Data Center Move Of 2010 (my company is moving its data centers, and I am in the thick of it)

I have a peace about his death - it was his time to go, and even though I miss my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluetus Maximus - he is not in the absolute agony he was in, anymore, and I am glad for that!

Peace, comfort, healing and blessings be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

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Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on July 6, 2010 at 6:04pm

Yaca,We are planning a family get together in Sept.for hubby's anniversary.My son in Maryland is coming down.None of us want to be alone.Isn't it funny how everyone else trys to avoid the subject,and all we want to do is talk about it?My conversations always wind up with Ernie.Let's face it,they were our lives,so it's natural for us to want to talk about them.I think I'm at the acceptance stage,so the tears are a little less.But the longing is still there.Thanks for the blessings.Kathy

Permalink Reply by Ka'ai on July 7, 2010 at 11:45am

Aloha Yacca! It is never an easy thing when we lose our loved ones in death, no matter whom it may be. Death is not a natural part of our being. So its good that you are at peace. Yes, I agree that it's actually comforting when people remember with you. I havent lost a husband but I did lose my grandfather a year ago June 29. I had family visiting from the other island so it was nice to be around family. You just get caught up in your emotions because, not only the memories of life come into play, but also the memory of when they took their last breath and you no longer have your best friend! My father was a mortician most of my life and so I have been around death pretty much the whole time. After a while, I became numb. But when it came to someone close to me, I was at torture! So I know what u mean. What comforts me though is knowing that even if no one else shares your grief, God is always loyally listening and sharing your grief! And there is a hope in the Bible that Jesus promised for all of us should we die. In John 5:28,29 Jesus says the He will call out all those in the memorial tombs to a resurrection of life! So our loved ones is just sleeping until He wakes them up! That comforting hope has been a blessing for me and helps me cope with the loss. I hope that you will find the same comfort. Take care of yourself and hope to hear from you soon! Aloha. Ka'ai

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on July 7, 2010 at 3:35pm

I am sure it is because they can not handle death or want to think about death. I was the same, though I did talk to them and brought flowers on the day (mum said we always have to remember the passed souls) it was hard for me not only to understand what they were going through but also seeing the person in agony made me feel down. I am as my husbands says a crier. Yaca there is no justification that there was not a call or card or flower. Today I went to my friend and we celebrated her sons passing with memories by looking at pictures and sharing funny moments.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on July 12, 2010 at 10:34am

Dear Yaca,

I enjoy reading your comments. You have a way with words that brings comfort and peace to the reader -- and as a reader I thank you for that. My husband's anniversary of death is July 17, 2010 -- one year. Do I expect to hear from anyone? I do but I also realize that it probably won't happen. Reality is this -- my life as I knew it stopped on July 17, 2009 but everyone else's kept going as normal. I am still seeking my new normal. Douglas's birthday was 06/28 and our wedding anniversary was 07/09. Our daughter sent me cards for each of those occassions. Not one member of his family even called! I cried both days for about 15-20 minutes, looked at his picture, put on his wedding band and watch, and remembered with sadness how much discomfort his illness gave him. I am glad his pain is over and so happy that I was able to tell him that he had accomplished what he had been put on this earth to do -- and then some! He was an incredible person and I will love him forever. Yes, it was his time to move on -- and even if I wasn't ready it really wasn't my call (darn it!). He left me a legacy of beautiful memories that will fulfill me for a lifetime. I can smile more when I think of him -- and can cry but the tears aren't as painful. My joy is that I was truly blessed to have had this man in my life. I had a best friend and husband. Not everyone can say that they have or had this. Many people never find the relationship that most of us on this site have had -- and lost. It is better to have had and lost then never to have had at all! I wish all of us peace and happiness. It is ours to have and our spouses have given us the courage to continue the process.

Peace!

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 12, 2010 at 12:43pm

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am going thru the same, exact things. My wife was my all and I miss her so much. I died when she died. I too, am alone and no one ever calls or comes over. As you say, thats ok. I can smile when I think of her and when I talk to her. Our lives will never be the same and I hope that I will be with her soon.I never said goodbye to her as she died suddenly. But thats ok, we were as one and had no regrets. My life is useless and I dont fit in it anymore. After 16 months it still is devastating. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Connie on July 12, 2010 at 7:52pm

Yaca, I am so happy for you that you are at peace with Byron's passing. I so wish that I could reach that point. I miss my husband sooooo very much. He is all I think about. I wait for the day when we are reunited again. I think it is great that you are able to pick up the pieces and I really wish that I will reach that point one day too. I feel so much like Randolph and Suzanne that my life is over and I am just waiting to die. I have great children and grandchildren but they do not replace my husband. He was my best friend and we were truly one. People say they will call and tell you to call if you need anything but they do not mean a word of it. It is just something that they think is proper to say. I don't care any more about anyone calling or stopping by. One day they will all have to deal with life the way I know it now and I hope that they will have more comforting friends. The best of luck to you. You are truly proof that it is possible to have some healing.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 12, 2010 at 9:00pm

To randolph and connie,
I wonder everyday how people can be so cruel. I have very few calls and noone ever comes to the house. If i need someone to talk to i have to call them. Sometimes i will only get the answering machine. even my own family doesnt understand. they think i should just get on with my life.i dont think people really care how i am doing, they dont know how to respond to me anymore and that makes them feel uncomfortable. even the people i work with either dont care or have forgotten i lost a husband a major part of my life.everyone has just gone on with their life and have forgotten all about my loss. i truly believe that i will try and help other grieving people to the best of my ability just because i know how much pain we all are in.God Bless us all.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 12, 2010 at 9:15pm

Cindy, I wish I had an answer to why this is. But it is true. Oh well. We do have each other on this site. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Linda on July 14, 2010 at 5:22pm

This is my first time on this site. People seemed to stop calling or coming by within 6 months of my husband dying. They all said "call if you need anything" Don't they understand I can't muster up the energy to call and ask for help. June 25th (the anniversary of the day he died) - only my daughter called. Where were all the people who were here the week of the funeral? Their lives went on, while mine stopped. I know I need to adapt to being single but it's hard - I never wanted this. It's a very lonely existence.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 14, 2010 at 8:06pm

yes, linda it is very lonely. i have been a widow now since feb. and i feel like i am missing my husband more and more as the months pass by. i also have no one calling to check on me. my phone rarely rings at all.if i didnt have my full time job i would be completely lost.i never wanted this either, i dont do well being single and never wanted to be. God Bless you and I will pray for us.

Permalink Reply by Linda on July 14, 2010 at 9:26pm

CINDY POWELL said:

yes, linda it is very lonely. i have been a widow now since feb. and i feel like i am missing my husband more and more as the months pass by. i also have no one calling to check on me. my phone rarely rings at all.if i didnt have my full time job i would be completely lost.i never wanted this either, i dont do well being single and never wanted to be. God Bless you and I will pray for us.

Permalink Reply by Linda on July 14, 2010 at 9:30pm

I agree - my phone never rings anymore unless it's my kids. If I didn't have a job to go to I don't know how I'd survive this. But even at work they never mention my husband - I know they're afraid it will make me cry. And it does, but I still need to talk about him. So I'm trying to talk about it when I feel strong enough. The evenings are so long and lonely though. I'm only 56 - could be alone a long time so I need to learn how. Thank you for your concern.