fearing to tread.....

Greetings, all

I was wondering if any of you have experienced the following: the anniversary of Byron's death was 29 June 2010 - and except for one person, no one called or contacted me that day.

About a week later, I received several contacts from friends and family saying, "well, I didn't want to disturb you on that day; I thought you might be too upset, etc, etc, etc"

I guess this surprises me - I _wanted_ people to remember; I _wanted_ people to take note of the date - one person told me, "I didn't want to hear you crying...." Okayyyyyy.

I awoke early that day, cried for about 15-20 minutes, opened my Memory Box, looked at his baby pictures, our wedding pictures, his doctoral graduation pictures - then got ready for work, because it is The Summer Of Oil And The Great Data Center Move Of 2010 (my company is moving its data centers, and I am in the thick of it)

I have a peace about his death - it was his time to go, and even though I miss my Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluetus Maximus - he is not in the absolute agony he was in, anymore, and I am glad for that!

Peace, comfort, healing and blessings be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

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Permalink Reply by heather on July 16, 2010 at 12:15pm

CINDY POWELL said:

LINDA, I AM 55 AND I SWITCHED MY WORK SCEDUALE TO WHERE I NOW WORK 3PM TILL 11PM. IT IS A LITTLE BETTER BECAUSE MY NIGHTS ARENT QUITE AS LONG. HOWEVER I STILL COME HOME AND AM NOT TIRED ENOUGH FOR SLEEP. USUALLY FALL ASLEEP AROUND 2AM BUT TOSS AND TURN UNTIL I GET UP AROUND 9 OR 10 AM. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE FEB. I ALSO DONT HAVE A COMPUTER AT HOME SO I DONT EVEN HAVE THAT TO DO AT HOME. HAD TO LET ALOT OF THINGS GO TO CUT BACK ON EXPENSES AFTER MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY.WEEKENDS ARE REALLY HARD FOR ME BECAUSE I DONT GET TO COME TO WORK. ALSO THAT WAS WHEN MY HUSBAND AND I USUALLY HAD THE MOST TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER.I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU, AND I AM HERE MON-FRI IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK.

Permalink Reply by heather on July 16, 2010 at 12:19pm

my husband was only 56 and died on March 26th 2010 I am lot all the time I never thought my years left on earth would be without him. I can't work I am disabled and on oxygen 24/7. He took care of me and was my best friend i hate the nights alone and everyday is the same. i miss our togetherness, his smile and when he told me he loved me. I miss him so much and I am all alone in this world suffering every minute. I read everyone comments it gives me some peace and also that others had a love that cannot be replaced. I offer my wishes that everyone can go on and remember our loved ones are with our Father in heaven and at rest. They truly do watch over us God Bless

Permalink Reply by heather on July 16, 2010 at 12:20pm

heather said:

my husband was only 56 and died on March 26th 2010 I am alone alot all the time I never thought my years left on earth would be without him. I can't work I am disabled and on oxygen 24/7. He took care of me and was my best friend i hate the nights alone and everyday is the same. i miss our togetherness, his smile and when he told me he loved me. I miss him so much and I am all alone in this world suffering every minute. I read everyone comments it gives me some peace and also that others had a love that cannot be replaced. I offer my wishes that everyone can go on and remember our loved ones are with our Father in heaven and at rest. They truly do watch over us God Bless

Permalink Reply by Sharon on July 16, 2010 at 12:44pm

Robert's anniversay was June 24th, 2009...........he was my life we were married 24 years and have one daughter she is 21...and now very wild and uncontrolable...she has moved out and after 2 weeks she has managed to total the 2007 BMW that her dad died for and got a sleave tatoo...I of course am in shock at least she is still alive....But we I guess need to move on ...all I can manage to do right now is push everyone away and just cry....I did go back to work for 5 weeks but that just ended I couldn't deal with it...I'm going to find another job where knowone knows me...I had worked there since 1999. you seem to have it together...I am looking for employment but haven't done it in so long I don't know how...
I so wish you the best you sound so together...I look forward to that day...Best wishes. PS: Robert visited me for the first time last night....he knew I needed him like always and is still taking care of me...it was such a happy dream of us doing what we used to do ...having fun and loving each other. GOD BLESS US ALL...
Sincerely,
Sharon

Permalink Reply by Sharon on July 16, 2010 at 1:37pm

My Robert died suddenly from a massive heart attack he was only 52 and ...an awesome part of my life...no he WAS MY LIFE... I am 57 and we were married for 24 years with one daughter. She is now 21...and so out of control...she left the house Monday and didn't come home and totaled her car and got a full sleve tatto...wow...today is not a good day for me ...but I know as life deals us our days we never know what we are going to get ...God Bless you...

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 16, 2010 at 9:25pm

Barb,
i was a very lucky woman because my husband was my best friend too. i also feel like he was my soulmate. we really understood the way each other felt about things. i really miss having him to talk too. he made me feel so good about myself by always complimenting me and talking about me to people like i was the best thing that ever happened to him. he also was so willing to do things that i liked to do just because it made me happy. he was a very good person and i know he loved me and i just cant believe that he is gone. i will never say we had the perfect marriage because we had our ups and downs, but i will say that God gave me a blessing by putting roger into my life i just wish it could have lasted much longer. i still have trouble looking at pictures of us together. we had a slide show made up for his memorial service which i havent been brave enough to watch since the service. i hope i will get better with time but right now their is so much i still cannot deal with.i hope you are doing better than i am as far as dealing with the grieving. i will pray for you.

Permalink Reply by bc on July 17, 2010 at 7:12pm

Fernandohulya, well said! We are the only ones who know what each one of us is going through. I was and will always be married to Brad, people say it will get easier as time goes on, well...guess what, walk in our shoes, then tell me that again. I know sometimes people just don't know what to say, but at least why not call or stop in just to talk. This site is the best thing I have found, I've talked with grief support and therapists and all they keep saying is that my feelings are normal and it will get easier to deal with, they haven't been there, they don't know, I need someone to tell me how to deal with the tears, the lonliness and trying to hide my feelings. Just today I sent my daughter into one of her panic attacks because she sees how depressed I am and I feel so bad for her She wants to help me, but no one can. One lonely, miserable, unhappy life ahead for me. One day I will be with Brad again and then it will be forever.
Barb

Fernandohulya said:

I am still married and always will be married in my heart to an extrodinary, wonderful and full of beauty and kindness husband. I kept both of our rings so I can give it to my children, I have a daughter and a son, when either I pass away or when they get married. As for "family" and "friends" ,I rather be alone and meet like minded people then wast my time. This whole experience has left me bitter and dissappoited with people and not trusting anyone with anything. At the beginning I was this happly married wife of Fernando Santini and now i feel like an old bitter woman. As Brigitte so rightly spotted that people act like out of sight out of mind. So I do the same with them, so they can understand how this feel my feelings.I am making sure that peole know that I always be Fernando Santini's wife and no one will forget this, keeing his memories alive. My emotions are so mixed up that sometimes I can not even talk to somone and avoid anyone at all times. I am only grieveing and I can not deal with stupid people. All of us are real people who lost someone who we loved and lived with and everyone else behaves as we are handicapped.

with lots of hugs to everyone

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 17, 2010 at 10:40pm

Amen to that Barb and fernadohulya. We can only deal wth this. Nobody else will EVER understand it.Only on this site we care and share. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Fay on July 18, 2010 at 7:54am

Brigitte said:

Dear Yaca,

I enjoy reading your comments. You have a way with words that brings comfort and peace to the reader -- and as a reader I thank you for that. My husband's anniversary of death is July 17, 2010 -- one year. Do I expect to hear from anyone? I do but I also realize that it probably won't happen. Reality is this -- my life as I knew it stopped on July 17, 2009 but everyone else's kept going as normal. I am still seeking my new normal. Douglas's birthday was 06/28 and our wedding anniversary was 07/09. Our daughter sent me cards for each of those occassions. Not one member of his family even called! I cried both days for about 15-20 minutes, looked at his picture, put on his wedding band and watch, and remembered with sadness how much discomfort his illness gave him. I am glad his pain is over and so happy that I was able to tell him that he had accomplished what he had been put on this earth to do -- and then some! He was an incredible person and I will love him forever. Yes, it was his time to move on -- and even if I wasn't ready it really wasn't my call (darn it!). He left me a legacy of beautiful memories that will fulfill me for a lifetime. I can smile more when I think of him -- and can cry but the tears aren't as painful. My joy is that I was truly blessed to have had this man in my life. I had a best friend and husband. Not everyone can say that they have or had this. Many people never find the relationship that most of us on this site have had -- and lost. It is better to have had and lost then never to have had at all! I wish all of us peace and happiness. It is ours to have and our spouses have given us the courage to continue the process.

Peace!

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Jacqueline on July 20, 2010 at 3:11pm

I know what you are talking about.people don't seem to want to talk about my deceased husband as though he never existed. Unless it happens to them they just don't understand what your going threw.

Permalink Reply by Carolyn Cloutier on July 20, 2010 at 5:49pm

Hi Brigitte I have tried to respond to you twice, but my computer,shut me off. I will try again and save it more frequently. I am new to this site; my husband died June 6, 2010 from a 2+ year fight with stomach cancer. Your story was my story only mine is more raw; you have the perspective of one year later. Almost 42 years of marriage, my husband was my best friend, lover, and husband. He was an awesome father and grandfather. There is a hole so big in me I don't know how to fill. My friends are supportive, caring, loving; but do not know how to truly help. They hover and expect if I get right back into my activities I will feel more like the old friend they knew. I am reading (just ordered 3 books); trying to find something to hold on to. I am trying to take advantage of a "comfort room" where I can sit and think about Dennis and try to concentrate on the happy memories. I wind up crying and crying thinking of what I will never have again; our future together and our dreams and plans. I am not by nature a whiner or pessimist; but I can not see the forest through the trees. I want to move on, and trust I will; but I do thank you and others for sharing your strength and courage. Right now that is all I can expect.

Brigitte said:

Dear Yaca,

I enjoy reading your comments. You have a way with words that brings comfort and peace to the reader -- and as a reader I thank you for that. My husband's anniversary of death is July 17, 2010 -- one year. Do I expect to hear from anyone? I do but I also realize that it probably won't happen. Reality is this -- my life as I knew it stopped on July 17, 2009 but everyone else's kept going as normal. I am still seeking my new normal. Douglas's birthday was 06/28 and our wedding anniversary was 07/09. Our daughter sent me cards for each of those occassions. Not one member of his family even called! I cried both days for about 15-20 minutes, looked at his picture, put on his wedding band and watch, and remembered with sadness how much discomfort his illness gave him. I am glad his pain is over and so happy that I was able to tell him that he had accomplished what he had been put on this earth to do -- and then some! He was an incredible person and I will love him forever. Yes, it was his time to move on -- and even if I wasn't ready it really wasn't my call (darn it!). He left me a legacy of beautiful memories that will fulfill me for a lifetime. I can smile more when I think of him -- and can cry but the tears aren't as painful. My joy is that I was truly blessed to have had this man in my life. I had a best friend and husband. Not everyone can say that they have or had this. Many people never find the relationship that most of us on this site have had -- and lost. It is better to have had and lost then never to have had at all! I wish all of us peace and happiness. It is ours to have and our spouses have given us the courage to continue the process.

Peace!

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on July 20, 2010 at 7:46pm

"Arrrggggh.....widower/widowhood just MIGHT be contagious! If I asymptotically acknowledge and empathize with YOUR loss, it just might happen to ME!"

So, others fear us, hold us at arm's length - they don't call, write or visit after a certain period. Most of them want to, but their fear overwhelms everything else - and so we are left with those who walk the same road as us, who water the ground with our tears, who know the long moments of life, the fearsome silences, the empty beds, the pictures that seem like shadows of a life lived.......

All of us are like Frodo the Hobbit at the end of "The Lord Of The Rings" - we have carried a heavy burden; we have been marked by grevious wounds, and although in time and through process, we emerge into a place of healing, nevertheless, as Gandalf told Frodo: "Alas, there are some wounds which cannot be (completely) healed"

May the Lord grant all of us strength to bear our love, freedom to express our grief and grace towards those who do not walk as we walk

Yaca Attwood Perkins