Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 7, 2010 at 10:30pm

dear hurting, i dont know what to say to you that could possibly make you feel any better. i am so sorry about how you are feeling but i do understand your pain. i feel it everyday myself. i agree with so much of what suzanne was saying. i am not the same person anymore either. i dont feel happy like i used too. i also use to have so much graditude for all the blessings in my life i would sometimes cry with all my gratfulness. now i have to force myself to look for blessings in my life. i have alot of anger and am depressed. but depression is anger turned inside out. i make myself do things but dont enjoy any of it. i really wish i could tell you something that would help you or make you feel better, but all i can say is i will keep you in my prayers and i do relate to what you are saying. God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on July 7, 2010 at 10:58pm

Dear hurting,
I am so sorry you are going through such pain and sadness. We may all come from different perspectives and opinions about everything but I think that the pain is all the same. I am becoming a different person because my husband passed and I don't like it and I honestly believe there is nothing I can do about it. But, I know people think differently so I am a little hesitant to say that I am worse now than I ever was, but we all have a right to our individual opinions. When Danny was alive I enjoyed life more, I was more thoughtful, I was more empathetic, I enjoyed eating and living and looked forward to each day. I still say my daily prayers, but now I race through them instead of feeling each word I pray, I used to be filled with gratefulness, (I still am grateful but it's so different now, I once prayed with gratefulness for the beauty of flowers and the ocean and rainbows and all the seasons, but now I don't even want to look at seascapes or waterfalls or the spectacular night skies or the dawn any longer.) Nothing is as it once was because Danny isn't here to see it with me now. I was looking forward to going out with Dan when our grandchildren's birthdays rolled around each year, watching them grow up. Now I am full of self-pity, I never did anything mean or unkind to anyone in my entire life but now I don't seem to care about saying, have a nice day, or couples' petty arguments or adults acting like children, all these grievances don't seem important any more. I only pray with feeling of compassion for everyone who has a loved one who has passed away. I just do my daily errands because I have to, putting on a pretense for Dan's family and for mine by going to the grief support meetings, going to counseling, getting my hair done, buying new clothes. They all think it will make a difference in doing all these things (Are they kidding me???) but when Danny died I lost the ability to enjoy life. They think I have this strength, such powerful faith. But Danny's death has made me into someone who just doesn't want to live, I can't enjoy anything, even just watching TV, I start to laugh when I see or hear something funny and because Dan isn't here with me I immediately stop. I don't want to be here without him. I haven't been crying lately. I don't know why. You said it exactly how I feel that I am in a constant state of crying on the inside. I feel numb and I feel so bad when I hear about you and others going through this deep sadness. That's another thing I am always saying I all the time. It's all about me, when Dan was here I was always his cheerleader, thinking he would get better. I don't want to it to be just me. Things have changed so drastically. I really hate this life. I don't want to, but that's how I feel. I am deeply worried about my baby granddaughter Abigail growing up and going through all this hate and violence and having such sadness. I don't understand why do we have to go through such sadness. But enough about me. I'm just getting by, doing what I need to. I just feel so helpless that you are so heartbroken and we all have to go through it on our own. At least we have each other on this site to share our deep feelings that only we can understand. I will pray you receive strength and peace.
May God be with you,
Suzanne
P. S. I actually deleted this message but I pasted it back on because I need to express how I'm feeling and I can't stress over what others may think. I really do understand that others look at grief differently but I can't change who I am. I don't know how others can get through this horrible nightmare but I'm glad for them and as I said, we all have a right to live our own life and say what we think. This site is helpful for me because there are no leaders, we are all equal, and there is not one person who speaks for everyone. I feel like I am at home here. Thank you all.

Permalink Reply by judy on July 7, 2010 at 11:49pm

I also relate to your feelings. It feels as though a knife were stabbing you in the heart. Beauty hurts when you cannot share it with the person you love. It is also very difficult to concentrate on anything else. Through many years of observation I just think that some people are harder grievers than others. What makes the difference I don't know. I observed this when my son died; we were in a support group and than lead the group for a number of years. Some parents just seemed able to cope better than others.I am a hard griever and I thought I would never get over the intense pain than, I did but it took many years. I can't think that I will ever really adjust to loosing my husband as he was so much a part of me for so many years. Our lives were entwined and the only thing I can feel truly grateful for is that he is not having to go through the pain I am experiencing. I do believe that he is in a place where he knows that my grief, though terrible, will be temporary because we will be together again. Separation is hellish but I think it is not the end. However, this is a bit like open heart surgery performed with no deading agent. If it helps just know what you are feeling is normal. I don't like normal much.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on July 8, 2010 at 12:29pm

Hurting, I am the same. I am crying and screaming but nothing is coming out, my tears are from inside like my husbands empty shell feeling numb. I did wear his clothes but the kids got upset so I am silently waiting till my departure... No more pain. Time supposed to be a healer... of what it does not say what it heals! I want it to a hug and hear his voice. I just am so in love with my Baby. Till then we just are here!

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 8, 2010 at 1:18pm

Fernandohulya, you are exactly correct. What will time heal ? After 16 months of my wife's death, I am beat up. worn out, tired and heavily scarred. I've lost my heart, soul and spirit.Have no purpose in life and I just dont fit in anymore. Alone without my wife of over 44 years, what is going to heal? Wouldnt it be great to smile, laugh, maybe have a little fun ? Those days are gone for me. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on July 8, 2010 at 6:04pm

LIFE, that what I was looking forward both of us like lovebirds chipping forth and back. We loved life, going out on holidays, resteraunts, family outings, friends and adventure but now I am just of existence like something not to be seen or heard. Randolph, I have lost all nearly all my human emotions as you said tired of life and only 4 month. How can it heal all the years you had the wonderful magical and fanstastic time of you life with your soulmate.

Randolph, you wife how was she like? Do not forget how she lived and make her proud. Love is something that captures your life! I think everyone in the world has still to offer and have fun but I just do not want to anymore.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 8, 2010 at 6:18pm

Fernandohuyla, my wife was all things. Now its all gone. I know that carrying on keeps her legacy going. But, as you said. We have no emotions nor anything without our loved one. I dont fit in anywhere. I did get her voice recorded on a kareoke night on cassette tape, had it converted to CD,had my daughter download into the computer and sent it to my kids to hear a song that she had sung. She had a beatiful voice. She was my pal. And life doesnt exist for me anymore. Hugs to you and to everyone. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Connie on July 8, 2010 at 6:42pm

Dear Hurting, I understand how you feel. I lost my husband of 46 years. I feel like there is no reason to go on living. I am not a whole person anymore. I go through the motions of life but inside is intense hurt, lonliness, and pain. I wait for the day that God calls me so that I can be by his side again. I was very fortunate to have him for my husband. He was a good father and a great husband. Our children are still devastated but life goes on for them. They have their families and can live with the memories. I cannot let them know how I feel. They worry about me all the time now. If they cannot reach me by phone, they are ready to call out the National Guard. They would be much worse if they knew my true feelings. Every day when I go to the cemetery, I ask him to please take me with him. It just hasn't happened yet but it will and then I will be complete again. When you have a good marriage and truly love your spouse, it hurts so very much when you lose them. Life cannot just go on as usual. Such a very important part of your life is now missing. I don't know how to go on without him. I will continue to pray for you and I hope that you will be able to deal with life.