BURYING MY HUSBANDS ASHES

When my husband passed away in feb. we had to rush everything so fast because my husbands children from arizona could only stay a few days.Needless to say no arrangements had been made because that was an area that i chose not to venture in.So we hurriedly had the body cremated and made quick prepartion for the memorial service. Anyway i went and picked up the ashes a couple days after the memorial service and they have been at my home with me.My brother in law wants to have my husbands ashes buried while my husbands nephew is home on leave from the marines.That means sometime in the middle or end of july. I called today to try and get information about all of this and found myself getting very tearful. I knew this was suppose to be taking place but dont really know why I am not really ok with it. I know he wanted to be buried with his family and i understand all of that and i want to do what he wants but for some reason i am feeling really sad. of course i feel sad and depressed everyday, but this is especially making me more tearful.I am definantly not close with my husbands family. His brother and i had never had any contact until i called on him to help me with my husband after we found out about the cancer. I dont really think he cares about staying in contact now that his brother has passed on. In fact he and my husband really were never very close either. My husbands children, living in arizona, i probably only saw them 3 times for a few days at a time the whole 12 years we were together.I know we wont probably be keeping in contact with one another either. I had told my husband that i knew that the chance of me having a relationship with his family probably wouldnt happen because we are like total strangers to each other. It is a sad situation but what do you do. My husband had gotten very close with my immediate family.They became like his family.Holidays were always spent with my family or it would just be the two of us.I find myself just not wanting to deal with any kind of issues. I have become quite a procrastinater. I hate that i am going to have to deal with burying my husbands ashes because if it were left up to me i would just put it off. I dont know why i am feeling this way but i am. Just needed to write about this because i am feeling really down about this and really dont know why.Thanks for listening.

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Permalink Reply by Virginia on July 8, 2010 at 5:34pm

Hi Cindy, first let me say how sorry I am for your loss, second, I feel what you are about to do is like him passing again only this time because you are burying his ashes it is having to let him go to have to say goodbye again this time is worse then when he passed. I know all to well about the other family we had that also,if I may ask what is going to happen when you pass are you keeping some of his ashes to be buried with you ? I think if it were me I'd keep some. thank god we are being buried side by side the thought of anything else is unthinkable to me. Well just thought I'd give my 2 cents good luck and God Bless write me if you would like to. Virginia

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on July 8, 2010 at 5:50pm

Cindy at the end of the day you are his wife so have a say to and if the family in the 12 years did not keep much contact that is there loss. I think you can keep the peace but also you are the one who made his 12 y happy. I can not understand how relatives who barely were there for your husband have a say. I am sorry to hear that and also for not being close enough for support. It is about you having the closure. with lots of hugs. We love hearing anything you say ))

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 8, 2010 at 6:09pm

Hi to all. Sorry for all of your losses and I hope it can get better for you. I have my wife's ashes at home and her wish was to have her ashes spread in Colorado where we lived for 10 years and always had outings by a creek. I live in Indiana and I am saving up money to rent a car and take her ashes to the spot in Colorado. Its a 22 and a half hours driving one way.
The problem that I am going to have is this. If and when I can do this, it will be awful. It will make this the FINALITY all over again, but worse.It will be our final goodbye. I will have a pastor give a bleesing before I go, he gave the funeral service for her and was great. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 8, 2010 at 6:09pm

virginia i am also going to be cremated and i will be buried with my husband. i will be purchasing a headstone big enough for the both of us. in fact i am going to look at some on mon.my only hope is my children whom are still in their early twenties , will mature soon, and be able to make sure my ashes are buried with my husband.that does have me a little concerned. thanks for your concern. God
Bless.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on July 8, 2010 at 7:27pm

Cindy,

My husband was cremated also. I had a military funeral service in his honor, had it at the Veteran's cemetery in WA state 3 months after his death, and did it mainly for his family. The urn has momentos's of Douglas and a small amount of ash. The rest of the ashes are in the beautiful urn we had made and it is sitting in MY home where it belongs. I am to be cremated as well and my daughter has instruction to let our ashes go together. That is what Douglas wanted and that is my wish as well. I am his primary family and the decision as to where and when his ashes are put to rest belongs to me. None of his family was around when he needed their help during the illness so I really don't see the need for them to help me make any decisions when it comes to his final resting place. Do what feels right for you!

Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Hurting on July 8, 2010 at 8:05pm

Cindy, I am sorry you have to go through all this, do what you feel is right. My husband left on December 23, 2009 at 4:45 p.m. We are Hindu so he had to be cremated. My first Good-Bye was when I had to leave him alone at midnight even though everybody said he is gone. My second Good-Bye was on December 26, 2009 the day of the funeral.

I will be taking him back home to River Ganges where I would have to say another Good-Bye but that is not final because one day I will join him. I listened to my in-laws and had funeral too soon and regret it every day. This time I doing it when all of my children can be part of it. Is it hard? Very Very Hard. But I know that he is not just ashes, he is lot more then that. He will always be part of me and my children.

My husband was a self made man and this trip back home would be taking him back and also showing my children what their dad achieved with nothing. He not only grew himself but also pulled out thirty more people from that life. All those thirty people are here today totally thankless but that's okay. Because I am always going to have him.

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on July 8, 2010 at 11:04pm

I think you should do what makes you comfortable. You are the wife. You dont have to do anything you are not ready to do. You have clearly stated that you probably will not remain in contact with his family , so you have to make choices you can live with. Im no therapist, but perhaps letting go of the ashes signifies an end of any contact with his family , and then that's kind of like saying goodbye to another part of him.(even though you were not close to them) And of course burying the ashes is very final. Its a burial, no matter how we look at it.. The reasons why you are feeling hesitant are not important. What is important is that YOU MATTER.You have the right to feel whatever you are feeling, and you have the right to change your mind. Im sure most of us here will support your decisions. Bereaved spouses are family. We are bound by the common thread of grief.

Permalink Reply by Tracie on July 9, 2010 at 6:09am

When John was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer- I knew in my heart that his diagnosis meant the end of our lives as we knew it.As a former nurses aide and seeing many people in the process of dying, I knew it was very important for him to express what he wanted. The conversations of what he wanted to happen after he died were the hardest and most emotional we ever had.He told me he wanted to be cremated, and when the water in the Gulf turned 80 degrees, he wanted me to scatter his ashes at the place we always went to.He told me that he wanted this, so everytime I went to the beach, I would feel that he was there with me. Well, it sounded good except that this was the coldest Florida winter in many many years and it took a few months to get to that temp., so i have his ashes here at home.Now that the water has warmed, I too am faced with having to carry out his wishes. I would prefer to keep him here but do not feel it is my decision- it was his.So this weekend,that`s exactly what i will do.Thoughts of the oil spill and him going in there(although it hasn`t come this way yet) drive me mad but I can`t help but feel that he is trying to tell me, it time. I has been 6 mos since he died, I think I have gotten past the shock and awe of it all. I know it will be the final thing I can do for him, but this is what HE wanted. His dear life ended Jan 11 so I really do feel I truly lost him THAT day, all that`s left are the ashes of his cancer ridden body.His spirit left that body that day, and flew straight into my heart.His earthly shell to me is just that,a shell. His laughter, love and true fighting spirit will NEVER die, even though his body gave out.Sometimes the final of act of love is the hardest.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on July 9, 2010 at 9:08am

Hi Cindy,if you get a will they have to do as you wish and please make it known to them all this is what you want, i'm sure they will honor your wishes but the will is the best way i don't know where you live but many towns have a free will program for seniors and disabled but they are not that expensive a basic one should be around a hundred dollers thats what i paid.

Permalink Reply by mary heinrich on July 9, 2010 at 3:28pm

My husband passed away back in November 2009 from a 10 year battle with lung cancer and non hodgkins lymphoma. Gordy wanted to be creamated. I wasnt sure about that- but I did want to honor his wishes. The funeral director knew i wasnt so sure about this and suggested i keep some of the ashes for myself. I have a small heart shaped urn with 2 angels overlooking it on my fireplace with a few of his ashes in it . This suggestion was a god send to me as 8 months latter, i am still unable to go to the cemetary chosen for his final resting place. Family members ask me if i would like to go to the cemetary - i now say no thanks- i have his ashes here . its a win win situation-family can visit at the cemetary and i have him close to my heart.
He too had adult children from a previous marriage whom I have not spoken to since the day of the funeral. Dont get me going on that- I am hoping there children do not treat them like they treated there dad-no respect.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 9, 2010 at 5:42pm

Tracie said:

When John was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer- I knew in my heart that his diagnosis meant the end of our lives as we knew it.As a former nurses aide and seeing many people in the process of dying, I knew it was very important for him to express what he wanted. The conversations of what he wanted to happen after he died were the hardest and most emotional we ever had.He told me he wanted to be cremated, and when the water in the Gulf turned 80 degrees, he wanted me to scatter his ashes at the place we always went to.He told me that he wanted this, so everytime I went to the beach, I would feel that he was there with me. Well, it sounded good except that this was the coldest Florida winter in many many years and it took a few months to get to that temp., so i have his ashes here at home.Now that the water has warmed, I too am faced with having to carry out his wishes. I would prefer to keep him here but do not feel it is my decision- it was his.So this weekend,that`s exactly what i will do.Thoughts of the oil spill and him going in there(although it hasn`t come this way yet) drive me mad but I can`t help but feel that he is trying to tell me, it time. I has been 6 mos since he died, I think I have gotten past the shock and awe of it all. I know it will be the final thing I can do for him, but this is what HE wanted. His dear life ended Jan 11 so I really do feel I truly lost him THAT day, all that`s left are the ashes of his cancer ridden body.His spirit left that body that day, and flew straight into my heart.His earthly shell to me is just that,a shell. His laughter, love and true fighting spirit will NEVER die, even though his body gave out.Sometimes the final of act of love is the hardest.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 9, 2010 at 5:55pm

TRACIE
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT IN EVERYTHING YOU SAID. I KNOW THAT MY HUSBAND WANTED TO BE BURIED IN THE SAME CEMETARY AS HIS FAMILY AND HE LET ME KNOW THAT. I HAVE TO BE WILLING TO MAKE SURE HIS WISHES ARE CARRIED OUT. I DONT KNOW WHY I AM FEELING THE WAY I AM FEELING PERHAPS IT IS THE FINALITY OF IT ALL. IF IT ALL HADNT BEEN SO RUSHED TO DO EVERYTHING QUICKLY I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE BURIED THE ASHES RIGHT THEN AND THEIR. I JUST FEEL LIKE NOW I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANOTHER HEART WRENCHING EXPERIENCE. I JUST HAVE BEEN FEELING SO SAD AND TEARFUL AS OF LATE. I THINK ALL OF THIS IS JUST FINALLY GETTING TO ME, IT HAS BEEN A LITTLE OVER 4 MONTHS, IN FACT IT WILL BE AROUND 5 WHEN WE BURY THE ASHES.I JUST FEEL SO LOST AND LONELY AS I HAVE STATED TO ALL OF YOU. WE REALLY NEED TO PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER, AND I WILL KEEP YOU ALL IN MY PRAYERS.