It's been 6 months today since my husband has passed. I recently have started crying again as if it were yesterday. Because my heart is in a million pieces it cannot be put back together and I know that there are others who are trying so desperately to get through their grief but I am unable to. When others tell me, "Oh you're new to this, it will take time" I have to cringe. In some small ways I know things are different because I know in my head and my heart he is really gone, but that's what makes it so difficult for me. I don't want him to be gone, I don't want him to be a memory, I don't want to be by myself, I want to see him, I want him to see me. I said this before and I need to repeat that I have no joy in my life because he is not here with me, and I despise the filtering sunshine as it tries to creep through my shades that are always drawn, and I loathe the chirping birds and try as I might I can't get out of my head swimming at the beach with husband or listening to his bellowing laughter and talking with him and now we'll never watch our children, our grandchildren and our only 6 month old granddaugher grow older and it breaks my heart to see her older brother smile at her and show affection and run and play. When my husband died, my spirit died with him, things will never be the same and only by my Faith and all of you here and support groups can I move from one day to the next. I just wait for God to call me and I feel like I am the saddest person in the world, but I know that I am not because I know you all understand.
God bless all of you here,
Suzanne

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Suzanne, I too am waiting for God to call me. Its been over 15 months for me and I have lost my spirit and wife of 44 years. Joy? whats that? All i can offer you is the comfort of us who are going thru our "new life". Hang in there girl. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.
suzanne,
my heart goes out to you because i know how you feel. everyday is just an endless repeat of the next.it has been almost five months for me and it isnt getting any better for me.i know that my husband would want me to be happy and go on with my life but i dont know how too. he was my best friend and i guess i was very co-dependent on him. i really didnt realize it until i lost him. he was the one that loved life and i know if i had have gone first he would have been sad but he would have been able to move on.the only thing that i can try to offer you is the one thing that i try to do and that is look for any little thing that you can try to find to be grateful for because i know their has to be something. i will keep you in my prayers because i do know how you feel. God Bless you.
Hi Randolph,
It's good to have you back. It'sgood to know that you have the interest in logging on and taking the time to communuicate. I enjoyed your story about your cousin. there might some truth to you wife's theory about crushes and cousins. I did not have that experience because I was raised in a way that my first cousins were like my brothers. I have had other family memers confide in me about a secret crush. I wont say who, and I wont say whether it was first cousins or second or whomever,its so true, we cannot help who we love...I'm glad that calling your cousin with your litte secret, brought you some joy. It was really sweet.
Thank you Deborah, I had to share that cousin story. Sometimes we need to tell someone who we feel, not always though. I just thought it was sad that some people arent told. I just saw fit to do what I did. Like I said though, the brain never stops working. I will post messages and be here for everybody. I can offer this. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.
Thank you randoph,
I look forward to hearing from you. Your kind heart is felt by all, I am sure of that. You always say something that uplifts me..When you told me I should not feel guilty about not getting to hospital before Byron passed, and that most of our loved ones try to crossover when we are not there..That really helped me a lot....i just think of that when the guilt tries to come back in. Thank you so much. I now understand that he would have wanted it this way. Thank you, i wish I could say something to make you feel better. You clearly have so much to offer the world, it could benefit from a little kindness. God will call all of us home one day.I really understand that you want to see your dear wife. Please Randolph try to see that a woman on the internet has benefitted from your presence in the world, so please see your value in this world. You will grieve, I know, more tha I can probaly imagine, I was only with my husband for 12 years,and the pain is just horrible, everythinbg about it is jsut horrible. But Randolph, you are a bright shining light in a dark cave. please see this in yourself. You have said the kindest things here, God Bless you.
Suzanne: I want to give you a hug, as I know you are hurting so much, I to wanted to die, and made several attempts. Life seems so empty so unfair
but you are in a battle for your life, but you spoke of your faith Suzanne, and I dont believe God is ready to call you home. I know people say alot of words that dont help, you will have to rise up out of the fire and fight for your life. Please dont harm yourself, hold onto your faith, know that your not alone in your feelings
as others have been through the same thing you are going through. God Bless
Suzanne, You know that I understand and share your feelings. Unfortunately, we are going to just have to wait our turn for God to call us. Hopefully, it will not be a long wait. I dread days and nights. I feel as you do. I don't want him to be dead. I want him here to sit with me, to hold my hand, to kiss me, just to be near me. He was my rock and that has been taken away from me and I don't like it. I resent people that have each other. I see a man in a store and I say "Why not him?" "Why did it have to be my husband?" "Why do I have to be without the only man I ever loved?" Suzanne, I have to tell you something that I cannot tell my children. I am having a problem with swelling. My legs are very swollen and my hands are swollen. I went to my foot doctor and he told me to get to my cardiologist. I had an appointment for the following day. My foot doctor is concerned that it is congestive heart failure. Since I have had an echocardiogram and also some ultrasound to check for fluid around the heart very recently, my cardiologist is not sure what is doing it. He has ordered a nuclear stress test for me to try to find out what the problem is. I really don't care if I have a problem. Maybe God is telling me to get ready to be reunited with my husband. My girls would be very upset to hear me say this but I am hoping that it is CHF. I want to be with him so badly.

My only bright spot right now is a new little puppy. I had to give up my dogs and it upset me so very much that I lost something else that I loved. I felt like I am losing everything I love. The little puppy is adorable and I love her very much. She does not replace the others but she does make it easier to cope. Also, she keeps me very busy going after her because she has something that she shouldn't have. I have read that puppies are therapy and I hope that it will help me. Also, she is going to be a small dog (about 10 pounds) so she will be a lap dog. My grandaughter named her Tootsie. I don't think that she realized that was a name that my husband had for me. He would always call me Hon or Tootsie or Toots. Calling the puppy brings back so many pleasant memories
Connie, again I am so glad you got the puppy named Tootsie. May it bring comfort to your sorrows. We never had nicknames for each other. Hugs to you.Hugs are good.
Suzanne and others, as we all know there are no words that will make our lives any better. Brad will be gone a year on August 5th and I still miss him terribly every day. I get up in the morning and wonder what I can do today to help myself. I go on this site and get alot of good messages from all of you and that's what's getting me through. I know in my heart that Brad wants me to be happy and enjoy my days, but how can I without him? I feel him in my heart but I want his hand in mine again and feel his arms around me. I want to see his smile every morning when we plan our day. It's lonely and that lonliness will never go away, but for him I have to try and survive. Right now I am just existing in a world I don't understand, its a roller coaster that I don't want to be on.

Hugs to all of you, we are here for each other and we will survive this.

Love you all for your help & support!
Barb
Dear Suzanne,
You are not alone, your letter could have been written by me. My husband has been gone almost 5 months, and like you, I have recently started with the insatiable grief, I have cried this time for 3 days constantly, except when I pass out from exhaustion. I only look forward to going to bed and taking my meds to get knocked out. I too have grandchildren, and great grandchildren that my husband cried for in the hospital. I too want nothing but to die and be called Home. I make that request every night through my tears.
All that I can say in closing is; unfortunately you and I will probably continue on. I refuse to use the words, 'live on'
Elaine
It's been 13 months since my husband died. He was only 56 - too young. I'm having a hard time learning to live alone after 35 years together. I'm trying but there's no happiness yet in my life.
Suzanne my wife was killed in a car accident the day after Easter (4/5/2010) I understand everything you said . I wish I had something to offer that would ease your pain . I don't . All I can tell you is reading your post helped me because I am having a bad night and reading your post made stop thinking about my own personal pain at least long enough to write this response. So thank you for sharing and may God Bless you .

David

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