getting through the day

My husband Jerry just passed away on June 1, 2010. He was only 40. We were married for 18 years and together for 20. He was and always will be my best friend and soulmate. I don't know how I am supposed to get through each day. He is all I think about. All I do is cry, cry and then cry some more. I no longer have my Jerry. It was always Jerry and Kim now its just Kim. How do you keep pushing forward when all you can do is think of the past. The memories of the past 20 years are all I have left and it is so hard to even begin to think of a future without my husband.

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Permalink Reply by Suzanne on July 26, 2010 at 4:42pm

Dear Kim,
I am so sorry for your loss. I really honestly know how you feel because I feel the same way. There are others who are pressing on to go forward in their lives even though they say they know they will always grieve and remember their spouse but they get through their life somehow and find 'joy'. (I don't have that right now). We all have our own ways of getting through each day, we are all unique but I think the pain is the same for us all, and I wish you and no one had to go through this. I know that from reading books on grief and posting on grief support sites and attending bereavement support groups that I and others kind of feel a relief to know that what we are going through is "normal" to us. In my opinion I don't think anyone else knows what this is like unless they experienced it too. I think this is the worst to have to go through. I know their must be a purpose for me and why I believe God called me before Danny, but I still have an enormous burden that my heart is in a million pieces, no one in my family or Dan's family knows, (I say, how could they?) but I go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I hate coming home knowing he's not here, but I get through each day and do what I have to do somehow (I think God is helping me because I know it's not me doing it) and I do feel grateful for all the Gifts I believe God blessed me with including the knowledge that Dan is resting in peace and no longer in pain and so much more. Yet, I am still sad and lonely and have the emotional roller coaster every single day, the anger at times, the hysterical crying, the indifference, thinking everything is ok now, but for me it's not but I don't think it will ever be, but that's just me. I think of the what if's, I try not to think of him but the thoughts come to me and it is so difficult to bear. Please know that you are in my prayers. This site and the understanding people here helped me.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 26, 2010 at 8:06pm

dear kim,
i too am so very sorry for your loss. i lost my husband in feb. 26th 2010, he was 58, and to me that is still young. i still cant believe it. i wish i could say that it is getting better, but in my case it feels like i am backsliding. everyone does deal with grief differently. i also was married to my best friend and we were always together. we had alot of people compliment us on our relationship, by telling us we were setting a good example. in fact we were told that only a month or two before we found out about his cancer.i just know that this is so hard on me and i no it is on everyone that has to go through it. i wish i had the cure all solution for you and everybody else on this website because i hate to see people in pain. but unfortunately their isnt anything i know to do but stay very close to God. this website does have alot of people who really care. my husband and my anniversary was july 17th and i had a lady on this website try to call me twice to check on me. i thought that was so wonderful. i will gladly be happy to talk with anyone that needs or wants to talk, just let me know.i will be praying for you , kim.

Permalink Reply by Kim on July 27, 2010 at 8:24am

Thank you all for letting me know I am not crazy and other people feel the same way as I do. It truely does help to know there are people who know exactly how I feel. Friends and family may say they understand, but how could they unless they go through this themselves. I am truely sorry for all of your losses. No ONE should have to feel this kind of pain. The bible says there is a Heaven and Hell, well I found hell because it is here on earth and it is what I live each day now that my husband is gone. I pray to god for the strength to make it through this.

My prayers are with all of you,
Kim

Permalink Reply by bc on July 27, 2010 at 8:45am

Kim, I am so sorry for what you are going through, it will be a year on August 5th since my Brad left and I feel Im worse now than ever. I took a long look at my life last night and there's no joy except my daughters who need me and I feel like I'm letting them down by not being strong.

Permalink Reply by Connie on July 27, 2010 at 9:27pm

Kim, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Good Lord, at 40 years old he was much too young to be taken by God. I wish there were some easy answers for your questions but there aren't any. I lost my husband of 46 years on 11/9/09. Each day is a new battle to survive. We were married when we were young and we grew up together along with our children. He is on my mind constantly. There is nothing that I do that I am not thinking of him and of all the good and fun times we had in those 46+ years. I cried and cried until I thought there would be no more tears but I still cry and sometimes at the most stupid times. I will be driving and just start to cry and when you stop at a traffic light and the person in the other car looks over and sees you crying your fool head off they must think you are crazy. The days are hard and the nights are even harder. I am so lonely even when I am not alone. I have really great kids and grandkids but they have their lives too. They are always here for me and calling me but I don't want to be a problem for them. I pretend that I am doing okay and hope that they don't find out the truth. I hope in time you will heal. You will never forget Jerry and I am sure that you don't want to forget him. I will remember you in my prayers and May God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by Deb on July 27, 2010 at 11:30pm

Kim, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Junior on June 20, 2009 . . and the only thing I remember is trying to take it one day at a time!! There is no more "normal" . . you do what you feel you need to do. Since June 2009, I have learned that no one possibly knows how we are feeling unless they have actually experienced the loss of their mate as well. I do not cry as much now as the first 6 to 9 months, but I still cry often! Kim, cherish your memories of Jerry . no one can take or erase them. Please take care of yourself. You will find many friends on this site . . we have all experienced what you are going through and can relate. There are always some friendly "shoulders" to cry/lean on when you need. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Write me any time you'd like. (((Hugs)))
Debbie

Permalink Reply by Showbiz Kid on July 27, 2010 at 11:40pm

Kim ~ My heartfelt sympathy to you, girl. You are still at the very very beginning of a long process. You are supposed to be feeling the way you are. You aren't supposed to be thinking of a future without him, you are grieving. Take a breath. Where you are is so new and raw and horrible. May I ask what took him from you at such a terribly young age? My husband was 53 when he passed from a heart attack, brought on by diabetes, alcohol abuse and A-fib caused by the aforementioned issues... he didn't take care of himself.
YOU WILL BE OKAY. You will take 3 steps forward and then a step back. And then you will take 5 steps forward and 10 steps back. That is the grieving process. But you will be okay. Do you have any kids?
It sucks. And my loss financially devastated me. I lost my business and I'm trying still after 5 years to save my house. I hope you will not have to deal with terrible financial struggles. It just makes it worse.
Please email me: elvisrocks1@comcast.net anytime and I will be happy to
talk to you. I have been there. Talk to your family, friends....I know nobody "gets it" unless theyve been there, however.
I didn't do grief counseling but I hear it's great....???
We are all stronger than we EVER think we could EVER be. Take comfort in the fact that you were fortunate to have a wonderful companion all those years
and he knows you loved him. Try not to dwell on the past BUT if something
"takes you to your knees" (my quote) out of the blue...and it happens, just roll with it...it is part of the grief and honestly, it's like a roller coaster.
Strap yourself in because you don't have much control. do not listen to people who say you "SHOULD" be this or that by X amount of months, years, etc.
The first year sucks. You have to go through all the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. It sucks. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. If you want to spend Christmas crying in your bedroom, DO IT! DO NOT NOT NOT LET ANYONE EVER EVER EVER TELL YOU HOW TO GRIEVE!!!! We all do it differently.
Please email me anytime, as I said, Kim. I know all too well how you feel.
Trust me, though. YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!!! Im living proof of that, honey.
Carol - Love & hugs to you, gf!

Permalink Reply by Virginia on July 28, 2010 at 9:12am

Kim let me also say how so sorry i am at your loss it is a very emotional roller coaster ride, i'm at 15 months tommorow and i have ok days then i have very bad days and lately they have all been bad. I know one thing for certian is i would not have what i have and been where i've been without my love he was so care free when he wanted to go somewhere we went and i'm so thankfull for that because when he got sick we didn't go like we did nor did he want to he didn't like people as he said staring at him because of his oxygen, i used to tell him who cares what others think, we were together 32 yrs. married 16 and theres not anywhere i can go that there isn't a memory of him but i find that a comfort, your husband was so young, mike was 59 and to me to young to die but i know he is here with me everyday, so just take it one minute at a time i used to say one day but sometime your good then the next minute your a basket case, god bless you are at the right place to be able to express yourself without having to be phony

Permalink Reply by Kim on July 29, 2010 at 8:16am

Virginia,
You are right it is a roller coaster ride and I have been on it since my husbands diagnosis in November 2008. Even though the docotors said there is no cure for malanoma (skin cancer) I never once thought my husband would die from it. I was positive the whole time he he would beat it. The first year he wasn't even sick so it was very hard to comprehend that he even had cancer. He didn't get sick until the last 3 months and I thought it was from the chemo he was receiving. I feel so horrible that I couldn't save him. He fought so hard and he never gave up and there wasn't anything I could do to save him. Instead I had to watch him die. I held his hand while he took his last breath and then I screamed in agony because I knew he was gone.

Permalink Reply by Carolyn Cloutier on July 29, 2010 at 8:55am

Kathy,
Happy Birthday; try to do something just for you, take a walk, call a friend, or just think about the happy birthday pasts. It is so easy to suggest something to an unknown; I will be celebrating our 42nd anniversary Aug. 4 and cry every time I think about it. My husband died June 6, 2010 so I am so raw with a hole so big I can't imagine how to fill it. The postings I read bring me some validation to my emotions if not comfort yet.

kathy obiedzinski said:

KIM: I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS . I LOST GEORGE 3/1/09 AND STILL CRY TO THIS DAY THIS IS ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO. TOMORROW WOULD HAVE BEEN OUR 36YEAR ANNIVERSITY BELEIVE IT IS NOT THE SAME AS IT USE TO BE. WE ARE ALL LEFT ALONE HANG ONTO THOSE MEMORIES BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES WE HAVE LEFT OF OUR BEST FRIEND. THIS SITE WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU BECAUSE ALL OF US ARE GOING THRU THE SAME ROUGH TIME AND ARE HERE FOR EVERYONE YOU TAKE CARE AGAIN I TALK TO GEORGE EVERYDAY I HAVE HIS PICTURE ON MY CELL PHONE AND KISS IT EVERY DAY THIS IS ALL I HAVE LEFT BESIDE GOOD MEMORIES

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 29, 2010 at 5:15pm

KIM,
I JUST HAD TO RESPOND TO YOUR LATEST POSTING. MY HUSBAND WAS DIAGNOISED IN NOV. 2009 AND HE PASSED AWAY FEB. 2010. THREE MONTHS. HE HAD NO WARNING SIGNS OF CANCER. IF THEY WERE THERE WE DIDNT RECOGNIZE THEM. HE HAD TOLD HIS FAMILY DR. HOW HE WAS GETTING SO TIRED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY HE HAD TO DRINK COFFEE TO STAY AWAKE. HIS DR. SAID JUST BE CAREFUL OF TOO MUCH CAFFINE. I GUESS THAT WAS A WARNING SIGN BUT HIS DR. DIDNT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.STUFF LIKE THAT IS WHY I HAVE ALOT OF ANGER.MY HUSBAND AND I WERE SO NIEVE ABOUT EVERYTHING WE DIDNT REALIZE THE SERIOUSNESS OF EVERYTHING THE DRS WERE TELLING US. MY HUSBAND KEPT SAYING I AM GOING TO BEAT THIS, EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE TELLING US THE MOST TIME HE WOULD HAVE WOULD BE 2YEARS.I KNOW MY HUSBAND WANTED TO STAY POSITIVE FOR ME BUT I ALSO THINK THAT HE LIKE MYSELF DIDNT WANT TO FACE REALITY.I WAS IN HIS HOSPITAL ROOM WITH HIM WHEN HE TOOK HIS LAST BREATH, AND THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I HAVE EVER SEEN SOMEONE I LOVE PASS AWAY. I KNOW FOR ME I FEEL LIKE WHAT I EXPERIENCED SINCE LAST NOV. HAS PUT ME IN SHOCK AND I AM STILL THEIR. I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH A WAR, POST TRAUMATIC STRESS, THAT IS HOW I FEEL.JUST WANTED TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU.

Permalink Reply by Kim on July 29, 2010 at 7:49pm

Cindy,
I feel so bad that any of us have to feel this way. I wish there was a magic word to make us all whole again but there isn't. I ask god why all the time but never get the answer. I have such guilt about the last 6 weeks my husband was alive because he had such terrible pain in his legs and his doctor kept saying it was because he was dehydrated, not eatting much and laying around too much. His doctor also said he has patients that are older and the cancer is further advanced than it was with my husband and they are doing better than he was. So I pushed him to eat and drink everyday. I pushed him to get up and do things to make his legs stronger. Come to find out he had tumors up and down his spine that could cause paralysis at anytime and were causing so much pain for him. The guilt is eatting me up inside. I thought I was doing what was best for my husband based on what his doctor said to us. I never really understood how sick he really was until it was too late. I am so angry with his doctor!