Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Connie on July 27, 2010 at 9:46pm

Suzanne, Thanks so much for your advice. I know that he is not in that crypt but just the body of the man that once was but I miss him so very much. Some days I rest my head against the marble and feel him near me. I talk to him all the time, not just when I am there but in the car, at home, wherever I am, I talk to him and ask his advice on things. My grandaughter is worried about me. They are all worried about my latest problems. I try not to let them know about what is bothering me but somehow they always find out. I am so confused at this stage of my life. I don't know what the right thing to do is. All I want now is to be with him. I know that you understand that feeling. I am so glad to have someone who does understand. Thanks again, Suzanne. I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Permalink Reply by Joan on July 27, 2010 at 10:11pm

Connie, I don't know if it's healthy to go to the cemetery every day or not. I think if it makes you feel better then you should. My Jim just died April 8th and sometimes I go twice a day, other times not at all. The headstone was just set last Thursday and I ordered a lighted cross which I put there today. I drove to the cemetery tonight so I could see how it looked and just cried. I have been crying seems like all the time lately and sometimes the pain in my heart is unbearable. I even went to see my cardiologist who did testing and he said I'm fine. I feel just the opposite of you. All I want to do is be home with his things, but then sometimes I feel I just have to go to the cemetery. I feel I'm going crazy. Please take care of yourself, I know your heart is breaking. I just pray that we all can get through this.

Permalink Reply by bc on July 27, 2010 at 10:35pm

Connie, I too go to the cemetary every day, its not what people think what you should do, rather what makes you feel comfort. As far as your health issues go, yes your heart is broken and that alone will wreak havoc with your whole body I dont know how long its been for you since yo lost your loved one, but physical problems can develop and your body has been through an ordeal that will take a long time to recover from. If you have any symptoms though that may not seem quite right to you, have a good check up with your doctor. Its a good idea to have a check up anyway after all you are goiing through. Hope you feel a litle better soon.
Barb

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on July 27, 2010 at 10:56pm

Connie, you are very welcome. "me and you kid". It still is with me and her. You do what you want, its your want.Watch out for all the traffic, ect. Be careful out there. Yeah,eating is the problem, but for the other people who notice....notice. I do what I do and thats all there is to that.If I eat, I eat. If I dont, I dont. I really dont care anymore without my wife here with me.Besides, she cooked most of the meals and I never paid attention to what she was adding to make her meals. I just paid attention to her and her every move. She was my pal and I loved being around her and her with me. That is all gone now.I have nothing. Hugs to all.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Showbiz Kid on July 27, 2010 at 11:27pm

Connie ~ I agree with your grandaughter. I know it has not been a long time since you lost your husband but it is not healthy for you to dwell on the cemetary. He is not there, his physical body is, but he is in another realm where he is watching over you. He wouldn't want you to do this. My husband died 2/25/05, so I'm not just a "spectator".... It probably does not help your health issues.
You have to grieve, yes. But doing that, to me, seems contradictory to good mental and physical health. He knew you loved him and he still sees that.
Have you gone to any grief support groups or counseling, talked to a minister, etc?
From my personal experience, doing that hinders your grief process. But perhaps a professional or clergy if that is your thing could talk to you.
It doesn't help to dwell on it, believe me. You just kind of have to start living your life again. I'm sure I sound harsh but it has taken me a long time to get here and I still have my moments after 23 years together.

Lots of luck and good wishes....bless you, Connie.
You will be okay! Trust me!!!!
Carol

Permalink Reply by Deb on July 27, 2010 at 11:41pm

Connie,
I, like you, have gone to the cemetery almost every day since my Junior passed on June 20, 2009. I know that the Junior I knew is not there - he is in a much better place watching over me. I just feel a closeness, at times, at the cemetery because I sit in my car and talk to him, cry to him, and just remember our great times!! It's not what other people think we should do or how we should act that matters . . we have to do what helps us get through each day, and if going to the cemetery daily gives you/us comfort . . then do it! Maybe I sound selfish, but we have to take care of ourselves. No one, unless they have lost a mate, can imagine the feelings we are having!! Hope you are feeling better sooner! Please take care of yourself. May God bless and keep you, and all of us here, in His loving care!
Deb

Permalink Reply by david on July 28, 2010 at 7:11am

connie i have no answers or wise advise to give you . i can only tell you what others have told me and that is my wife would want me to find a way to honor her love while still finding a way to have a good life without her and while that seems impossible to me and you at this point in our lives it does make sense . we must find a way to walk forward and may God continue to help us all. i know God is trying to help me i just need to find the courage to accept the help . in the meantime i will try to comfort others knowing the only way out of this hell hole we all find ourselves in is to look outward not inward , forward not backward, o so easy to say , so hard to do .

david

Permalink Reply by david on July 28, 2010 at 7:32am

i wish i had somewhere to go where i felt close to my wife . one would think the roadside where she died would do but it does nothing for me but make me hurt because unlike one of our pets(we have horses/dogs and cats and live on 10 acres ) the law does not allow us to take home our dead and honor them by burying them in a special place on our farm or of our choosing unless it's a conventional cemetery. . fact is the law allows us to treat animals with more dignity than our loved ones .

Permalink Reply by Mary on July 28, 2010 at 9:13am

David,
If you have all that land, may I make a suggestion to you. Why don't you plant a garden in your wifes memory. You must have a nice place by your house or a favorite spot of your wifes. It doesn't have to be big, maybe a small ornamental tree, a few of her favorite flowers, a wind chime and/or a bird house. You can get a small concrete bench to sit on. Mulch the area for low maintenance. How nice would that be to have a quite spot to go and sit and talk to her any time of day or at sunset. This could help any of us if you have a spot to do this. I sure hope this gives you a place for comfort if you think it would help. Hugs to you and all on this site.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on July 28, 2010 at 9:22am

Connie, you need to do what feels right for you not anyone else, I find I'm so much closer to mike at our home everything is still the same as it was, when i go to the cemetary i just feel empty and most time only stay a few minutes to put flowers or just stare i usally am numb when i'm there i don't understand it but i'm not at peace there, i am when i'm home with him all around and i talk to him all the time but you must do what makes you feel good god bless

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