How to care for a hurt that won't heal?

When you have loved unconditionally one man and lost that love, it leaves a wound that never heals, a sad and broken heart, a void forever. A heart breaking isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling. And the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you. I still miss my Jim. It's been 14 weeks since he died and it seems like I haven't stopped crying for even a minute. Not even to catch my breath. How does one mend a broken heart?

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Permalink Reply by Mary on July 30, 2010 at 7:42am

Liz,
I don't think you can mend a broken heart at all, I just think the rawness heals. We will never stop missing our lost loved ones, the bad memories blur with the good, and then with time the good ones come out on top. I myself am coming up on six months since I lost my husband, I still have days where I cry a lot, but I have good days too now. I will always miss that man, he was my life, my best friend and my soulmate. Too have lost once before, though death of my husband and to be lucky enough to find another wonderful, kind and gentle man, and to lose again, is almost unbearable at times. But I would go through this all over again just for a little more time with him. God bless you and all of us on this site with good memories.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on July 30, 2010 at 9:28am

Liza,I'm sorry for your loss,I don't think we can fix a broken heart but in time we will patch it, I'm not sure when or how long it will take, I'm at 15 months and some days are so unbearable and others are ok then i find when i have the ok days it doesn't feel right like your moving on without your love ,i couldn't be where i'm at without meds and someone to share my feeling with or to just know i'm not the only one feeling this way we are all in this together and maybe some of us ( meaning me ) need to be more responsive to others, god bless

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on July 30, 2010 at 9:36am

liz: there is no time on how to mend a broken heart or mine and others would have been fixed it takes a very long time for the heart to start going back to normal you can put a bandage on it but it would never heal the way we wish it would it would not completely make the heart heal you will not stop crying i still cry every night and it was 16 months already hugs

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on July 30, 2010 at 9:36am

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on July 30, 2010 at 3:56pm

liza,
i lost my husband 5 months ago and i see myself as getting worse instead of better. i think in the very beginning i must have just been so numb i couldnt feel all the pain and loneliness i am feeling now. my heart actually hurts it is so broken. i wish i could give you words of encouragement but i need to be honest with you about how i am feeling. if we cant be honest with one another , how can we be of any help to one another.i would like to feel that in some small way maybe i can be of help to someone. i know this site really makes me feel good to be able to respond to others that can actually relate to what i am going through.one thing that i have found is it doesnt take long for people to forget you lost your spouse.they just go on as if everything should be back to normal for you and have no idea how much pain you are going through.may God Bless you.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on July 30, 2010 at 4:39pm

I honestly believe that no one, not my 2 sons, or their families or my husband's family or my family or anyone who knows me, but those who are here and those who have a spouse who has passed knows how I feel. I feel akin to you, Liza, and everyone who is experiencing what I think is the most horrific of all emotional turmoil. I cannot imagine what those who have loved ones who are ill, mentally or physically and must care for them, but at least they are alive. It is unbearable for me at this time to get thoughts of Dan when he was here with me. I get the idea of the bigger picture of our love without trying to focus on particular moments in time that we were together, which are too difficult for me. I just can't take the stabbing pain in my heart when I think of even the worst moments when he was alive and with me. I'd rather that then knowing he is gone. There are days when tears don't come, however within me is a constant flow of emotional sobbing that never goes away. It never, ever goes away. But the tears still come out at times. It is a silent torture and as I said before I will never feel true joy. I don't usually post because I know there are others who remember their loved ones with affection and I wouldn't want to step on their past dreams but I can't help how I truly feel. These thoughts that I share with you Liza, will be with me always. I hate it but I have to live with it as I go about my daily business, but there are some days I do nothing, just existing, barely breathing I am so sad, lonely and depressed. I know that I am incapable of living fully but it is just as true that I don't want to live fully. I guess that's my anger talking. Not at Danny, not at God or any medical professional, it's just anger at the situation. As far as I am concerned, and I only speak for myself, that a broken heart, or a heart that's in a million pieces as I prefer to say, cannot be mended. I'm so sorry that you Liza, and everyone here, feels it to. You are in my prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Dane R P on July 30, 2010 at 5:53pm

For those of us who have lost a loved one, the pain seems unbearable. We may feel that no one seems to understand what we're going through. But Jehovah God assures us that "He is healing the brokenhearted ones, And is binding up their painful spots" (Psalms 147:3). That doesn't mean that at this present system of things, we won't hurt anymore, but it does mean that He will help us to endure. Not only does he provide comfort for us now, God also provides us with a hope - a hope that we can see our dead loved ones back to life here on earth, under paradise conditions (Psalms 37:29; Revelation 21:4). He has furnished a guarantee by resurrecting his own Son, Jesus Christ, back to life, as well as many resurrection accounts in the Bible. If He has done it in the past, we can most definitely be confident that He will do so in the future. Not only is Jehovah able to resurrect the dead, since He is our Creator, He is also "yearning", in fact, longing to do so (Job 14:14,15)! This is the hope that has comforted me and I wish to share with others. May it comfort you as well, Liza.

Permalink Reply by bc on July 30, 2010 at 10:00pm

Liza, I feel bad for you, I've been trying to mend a broken heart for almost a year. It will be a year on Aug 5th that Brad left me. I cry, I scream, I'm lonely and my heart will never mend completely until I see him once again in heaven. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'd like to be here for you when you need someone to talk to.
I'm Barb Chamberlain on Face book or you can email me at: bchamberlain@wi.rr.c om.
Take care,
Barb

Permalink Reply by bc on July 30, 2010 at 10:04pm

Suzanne, you have said it all, everything you are feeling is exactly how I feel, except Ihave 2 daughters in their 20's. Everyone wants to help but its only us who really understands that no one can help mend a broken heart. It will be one year on August 5th that Brad left me and it seems like a lifetime ago since I've seen his wonderful smile and felt his arms around me.
We know!!
Take care, I'm here for you,
Barb

Suzanne said:

I honestly believe that no one, not my 2 sons, or their families or my husband's family or my family or anyone who knows me, but those who are here and those who have a spouse who has passed knows how I feel. I feel akin to you, Liza, and everyone who is experiencing what I think is the most horrific of all emotional turmoil. I cannot imagine what those who have loved ones who are ill, mentally or physically and must care for them, but at least they are alive. It is unbearable for me at this time to get thoughts of Dan when he was here with me. I get the idea of the bigger picture of our love without trying to focus on particular moments in time that we were together, which are too difficult for me. I just can't take the stabbing pain in my heart when I think of even the worst moments when he was alive and with me. I'd rather that then knowing he is gone. There are days when tears don't come, however within me is a constant flow of emotional sobbing that never goes away. It never, ever goes away. But the tears still come out at times. It is a silent torture and as I said before I will never feel true joy. I don't usually post because I know there are others who remember their loved ones with affection and I wouldn't want to step on their past dreams but I can't help how I truly feel. These thoughts that I share with you Liza, will be with me always. I hate it but I have to live with it as I go about my daily business, but there are some days I do nothing, just existing, barely breathing I am so sad, lonely and depressed. I know that I am incapable of living fully but it is just as true that I don't want to live fully. I guess that's my anger talking. Not at Danny, not at God or any medical professional, it's just anger at the situation. As far as I am concerned, and I only speak for myself, that a broken heart, or a heart that's in a million pieces as I prefer to say, cannot be mended. I'm so sorry that you Liza, and everyone here, feels it to. You are in my prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by bc on July 30, 2010 at 10:07pm

Cindy, you are right, Brad will be gone a year next week and I am worse now than I was right after he passed away. I don't want to discourage anyone on here as everyone is different, but it doesn't get any easier for me. I don't cry every day anymore, but my heart is broken and so is my spirit. I am here for anyone who needs me.
Barb

CINDY POWELL said:

liza,
i lost my husband 5 months ago and i see myself as getting worse instead of better. i think in the very beginning i must have just been so numb i couldnt feel all the pain and loneliness i am feeling now. my heart actually hurts it is so broken. i wish i could give you words of encouragement but i need to be honest with you about how i am feeling. if we cant be honest with one another , how can we be of any help to one another.i would like to feel that in some small way maybe i can be of help to someone. i know this site really makes me feel good to be able to respond to others that can actually relate to what i am going through.one thing that i have found is it doesnt take long for people to forget you lost your spouse.they just go on as if everything should be back to normal for you and have no idea how much pain you are going through.may God Bless you.

Permalink Reply by Liza Smith on August 30, 2010 at 1:31am

Thanks to everyone who responded with such insight and thoughtfulness. A month has past since I first posted this message and I can say that I feeling a little better, but my heart is still broken. I don't understand why God takes away our most beloved and leaves us with such emptiness. How can this cruelty be from the hand of a so called loving God? I know it is wrong to question His plan, but I can't help the bitterness I feel. I don't know how I can ever trust God again. I feel so betrayed by Him. I know this is awful and that I'm a bad person because of it, but I have sincerely lost all my faith that the world is a good place with a loving God at the helm. Has anyone else felt this anger at God?

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on August 30, 2010 at 8:55am

The anger I had wasn't directed at God.I was mad at myself,at my husband and the world.That has subsided somewhat.I do have a shorter fuse than I used to.But I also see my sense of humor returning.I don't think our hearts will ever mend,I think we learn to live with it.And as we all know the "Dark"days are lurking in the background.Only needing some small thing the bring it out.Then we go on til the next time.Good luck in your journey.Give yourself time to grieve.Don't expect too much to soon.