I honestly believe that no one, not my 2 sons, or their families or my husband's family or my family or anyone who knows me, but those who are here and those who have a spouse who has passed knows how I feel. I feel akin to you, Liza, and everyone who is experiencing what I think is the most horrific of all emotional turmoil. I cannot imagine what those who have loved ones who are ill, mentally or physically and must care for them, but at least they are alive. It is unbearable for me at this time to get thoughts of Dan when he was here with me. I get the idea of the bigger picture of our love without trying to focus on particular moments in time that we were together, which are too difficult for me. I just can't take the stabbing pain in my heart when I think of even the worst moments when he was alive and with me. I'd rather that then knowing he is gone. There are days when tears don't come, however within me is a constant flow of emotional sobbing that never goes away. It never, ever goes away. But the tears still come out at times. It is a silent torture and as I said before I will never feel true joy. I don't usually post because I know there are others who remember their loved ones with affection and I wouldn't want to step on their past dreams but I can't help how I truly feel. These thoughts that I share with you Liza, will be with me always. I hate it but I have to live with it as I go about my daily business, but there are some days I do nothing, just existing, barely breathing I am so sad, lonely and depressed. I know that I am incapable of living fully but it is just as true that I don't want to live fully. I guess that's my anger talking. Not at Danny, not at God or any medical professional, it's just anger at the situation. As far as I am concerned, and I only speak for myself, that a broken heart, or a heart that's in a million pieces as I prefer to say, cannot be mended. I'm so sorry that you Liza, and everyone here, feels it to. You are in my prayers.
i lost my husband 5 months ago and i see myself as getting worse instead of better. i think in the very beginning i must have just been so numb i couldnt feel all the pain and loneliness i am feeling now. my heart actually hurts it is so broken. i wish i could give you words of encouragement but i need to be honest with you about how i am feeling. if we cant be honest with one another , how can we be of any help to one another.i would like to feel that in some small way maybe i can be of help to someone. i know this site really makes me feel good to be able to respond to others that can actually relate to what i am going through.one thing that i have found is it doesnt take long for people to forget you lost your spouse.they just go on as if everything should be back to normal for you and have no idea how much pain you are going through.may God Bless you.