How to I get through the long nights.

I just recently became a widow just little over a month ago. My husband and had been married almost 10 yrs and was not the best marriage. At the time of his death I was out of state and my son found him. We new each other way back in the late 60's and dated in my senior yr. I am really having a hard time at night being here by myself, I am not one that likes to be alone and at times I find myself just sitting and crying just to get through the night. I often pray to god to let me get through another day and most times he listens.

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Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 1, 2010 at 9:55pm

Hi Judy,I'm so sorry for your loss, it is still very new for you and you must take it as slow as you need to,it will be hard for a long time but you have to move thru the greiving process at your own pace not anyone elses, you will be doing alot of crying and second guessing and you will think you are going to go crazy unfortionaly it is a normal emotion, give yourself time and if need be talk to your DR. as much as you might not want to take meds. to help you it might be nessary i know i wouldn't be where i am today 15 months later if not for the meds and i still need them as there are still many bad days but also there are good days so just take it one minute, one day ay a time you are at the right place as we are all going thru the same thing, god bless

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on August 1, 2010 at 10:23pm

Judy, I agree with Virginia. We are all here for each other. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by judy on August 1, 2010 at 10:27pm

Virginia is absolutely right , I don't like being alone either but I guess eventually I will adjust to to it. Write whenever you want.

Permalink Reply by Judy Poole on August 1, 2010 at 10:58pm

Thank You so much for the kind words and thoughts durnning this trying time for me. I am trying to take one day at a time and I sure you know sometimes it is hard. At the present time I am taking meds or it would be alot harder. Judy

Virginia said:

Hi Judy,I'm so sorry for your loss, it is still very new for you and you must take it as slow as you need to,it will be hard for a long time but you have to move thru the greiving process at your own pace not anyone elses, you will be doing alot of crying and second guessing and you will think you are going to go crazy unfortionaly it is a normal emotion, give yourself time and if need be talk to your DR. as much as you might not want to take meds. to help you it might be nessary i know i wouldn't be where i am today 15 months later if not for the meds and i still need them as there are still many bad days but also there are good days so just take it one minute, one day ay a time you are at the right place as we are all going thru the same thing, god bless

Permalink Reply by Judy Poole on August 1, 2010 at 11:03pm

Thank you so much for sending the Hugs and kind words. It's nice to know there are some kind people out there. Judy

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Judy, I agree with Virginia. We are all here for each other. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Mary on August 2, 2010 at 9:54am

Judy,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard for you alone, but when you have a young child who needs all the support you can give him, it is hard. The first time I was widowed I had 3 children, ages 2,10, and 12.They needed me, but I got through it because of them. I more recently lost my second husband of 24 years almost 6 months ago. Our 25th wedding anniversary would have been on the 10th of August. It is the lonliness that is so hard, he was my best friend and soulmate. I also hate being alone.Night time can be hard. I read recently, if you are struggling at night because of his empty side of the bed, then try sleeping there, it is easier to see your side empty. Time will help, it may not seen like it now, but it will. God will help you through this. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on August 2, 2010 at 10:42am

JUDY: I AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.I STILL HAVE A FEW NIGHTS THAT I CAN NOT SLEEP YOU SEE I SLEEP IN GEORGE COMPUTER ROOM HE HAD A BED THERE I SEEM TO SLEEP A LITTLE BETTER IN THE COMPUTER ROOM THAN MY BEDROOM IT IS GOING TO TAKE TIME NOT TO FEEL ALONE. YOU HAVE YOUR SON WHICH MANY PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE ANY FAMILY TO LEAN ON YOU HAVE TO TAKE DAY BY DAY

Permalink Reply by Cathy on August 2, 2010 at 12:15pm

I am so sorry for yor loss. My husband has been gone 1 year on aug 5th, and I still find the nights to be the worst. I slept on the sofa for the first 6 months, with the t.v on all night. And sometimes I still do. That bed just seemed too big for just one person and was a reminder he was not coming back. I know it hard to go on, take it one day at a time, and be good to yourself.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 2, 2010 at 7:05pm

judy,
i lost my husband in feb. 2010. the loneliness for me is the hardest thing. i started working nights when my husband got so ill and then after he past away i asked to stay on nights. i work 3pm till 11pm. i thought it would be better for me but i am finding that you cant run away from the loneliness. i am feeling it continually. however when i am at work i seem to be able to cope alot better.just be patient with yourself and know that everyone on this site is understanding how you are feeling.i am so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Judy Poole on August 8, 2010 at 9:59am

Thank you Cindy for your kind words, It has been little over a month now since my husband past and things seem to be going alittle better for me. I went to my first grief meeting last Tuesday and it seem to really help me. They are once a month and I plan on going for awhile. I know I will still have good days and bad days but I am taking one day at a time. Take care yourself and a big hug sent out toeveryone who has sent me a post. Judy

CINDY POWELL said:

judy,
i lost my husband in feb. 2010. the loneliness for me is the hardest thing. i started working nights when my husband got so ill and then after he past away i asked to stay on nights. i work 3pm till 11pm. i thought it would be better for me but i am finding that you cant run away from the loneliness. i am feeling it continually. however when i am at work i seem to be able to cope alot better.just be patient with yourself and know that everyone on this site is understanding how you are feeling.i am so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on August 8, 2010 at 12:09pm

Hi Judy, First let me say, I am sorry for your loss, and second I must say that I appreciate your candor about your marriage not being the best. You will find that most of here were very much in love with our spouses, but no marriage is perfect. Still you have hit on something important, "loss is loss". Regardless of the condition of the marriage , your fears are very real and shared by all of us. Getting through the evenings are rough for me as well. I lived alone for ten years before meeting my husband, so I thought it would be easy for me to get back into the routine,..Well, Boy WAS I WRONG. At times I try to find activities that take up a part of the night so that sleep comes a little easier. Sometimes, I stay at work a little longer than necessary, or I (sometimes unsucessfully) I try to schedule dinner with a friend, or go shopping, or a walk in the park, and then of course I come here to this site. Sometimes noneof this helps, but yes prayer is an ever present consciuosness for me as well. We will make it!!!!

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on August 8, 2010 at 2:19pm

Dear Judy - I am so very, very sorry for the death of your husband.

Sometimes, when things have been so very rough, and the other spouse dies, there is the tendency to try not to focus on the negative, but only the positive - to remember only the good and not the bad.

My husband Byron died on 29 June 2009 - and in the months preceding his death, the hepatic encephalopathy, liver disease, severe psoriatic arthritis all combined to noticeably change his personality - he could be the sweetest teddy bear, romantic, loving and considerate - but he could also be extremely nasty, demanding, obnoxious and even cruel.

I knew it was mostly his medical condition that was at the source - but he did say some extremely hurtful things to me, and I replied in kind. Right after his death, I found myself ever so remorseful - if only I'd been more loving, more caring.

However, I was _extremely_ tired from taking care of him AND trying to get him in his condition to work (he insisted upon working [he was a clinical psychologist] until a week before he died) AND working full-time at my own job (I am a database administrator) - I was tired, I was carrying a heavy load, and I said a lot of things.

One day, as I was crying in the parking lot of the supermarket, wanting to die, myself, beating myself up - I felt, I _knew_ his presence. I knew (and I cannot explain this 'scientifically' or 'factually') that he was telling me that I had his complete and full forgiveness, that I was and always would be his queen, that he still loved me, that he appreciated everything that I had done, that he was sorry for everything I had to go through during his illness, hospitalization and death, and that I had to promise him that I would _not_ commit suicide. I knew that I could freely and fully forgive the things he'd said in his illness and pain, and that I still loved and would always love him.

So, Judy - I encourage you to remember the good AND the bad, the great times and the not-so-great ones, and I believe your husband loves and forgives you, just as you do him - and that you had a _real_, human relationship - with love and conflict, good and bad - and that your grief is part of your love for him.

The long moments of life are so hard - the long, empty and silent nights, the interminable weekends, the minutes that feel like hours, the hours that feel like months, and the months that feel like years. I hope you will be able to find _one_ person who will listen to you talk about your husband without squirming or wanting to change the subject, who will let you cry and grieve and mourn as much as you need or want to.

Peace, comfort, healing and blessing be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins