Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Virginia on August 2, 2010 at 4:44pm

Hi Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel, on 4-29-09 I lost my soul mate and the love of my life and he was sick for 10 yrs. with emphysema and I was the sole care giver and mornings were and are the hardest for me we were together 32 yrs. and married for 16 would have been 17 on may 15th. What did your husband pass from if i may ask, and you are right even tho we knew they were going to die it was just as hard. Mike my husband had a massive heart attack here at home and was on life support for 3 more days I don't think we are ever ready to loose anyone so close to us, maybe greatfull they are not suffering anymore but still not wanting to go on without them it is a rollercoaster ride everyday one minute your good then the next a basket case even after this long some days are just unbearable. You are at the right place this site is a lot of help as we are all going thru the same thing. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Kim on August 2, 2010 at 5:41pm

Connie,

I know how you feel and I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away from cancer on June 1 2010 and I am so lost without him. I don't think you can ever prepare for someones death, I know I couldn't. It is just too hard to accept the fact that the love of your life is going to die. Its been 2 months now and it still seems so unreal. Hopefully this site can help you in some way.

Permalink Reply by Mary on August 2, 2010 at 8:58pm

Hi Connie,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is especially hard after you have been caring for him exclusively for so long. No one is prepared for this under any circumstances. No one can begin to imagine how hard this is, the pain and grief of the loss as well as the longing and lonliness day after day. I lost my husband 2/7/10. We were married 24 years. Jim was my best friend and soulmate. I didn't have a lot of friends outside of our marriage. And since I retired 1 1/2 years ago, I don't have anyone to talk to at work anymore either. So I have a good idea what it is like for you and how the days can be so long. I do have my children and Jim's children but they have their lives and their families. I try to keep busy, but there is only so much to do, how dirty can I make this big house by myself. I was widowed before, almost 30 years ago now, but it is so much harder this time. I guess the old adage--one day at a time, is all we can do. It does get better with time, I do have some better days but they come and go. Hang in here with us, we all help each other like no one else can, because we have been there and understand what you are going through. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on August 2, 2010 at 10:02pm

dear connie,
i am so sorry for your loss. i lost my husband feb 26th 2010. it has been a little over 5 months now, but i am still having a really hard time.they say if you have a strong support group it really helps. i dont have that and since my husband was my best friend i am overcome with loneliness. just take it one day at a time and if you have to one moment at a time. this site does help you to realize that you are not alone.

Permalink Reply by Connie Elder on August 3, 2010 at 4:52am

Virginia said:

Hi Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel, on 4-29-09 I lost my soul mate and the love of my life and he was sick for 10 yrs. with emphysema and I was the sole care giver and mornings were and are the hardest for me we were together 32 yrs. and married for 16 would have been 17 on may 15th. What did your husband pass from if i may ask, and you are right even tho we knew they were going to die it was just as hard. Mike my husband had a massive heart attack here at home and was on life support for 3 more days I don't think we are ever ready to loose anyone so close to us, maybe greatfull they are not suffering anymore but still not wanting to go on without them it is a rollercoaster ride everyday one minute your good then the next a basket case even after this long some days are just unbearable. You are at the right place this site is a lot of help as we are all going thru the same thing. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Connie Elder on August 3, 2010 at 5:20am

Hi Virginia,
Thank you. My husband and I were also together for 24 years. He first was diagnosed with severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder. Medicine never seemed to fix it. Then in 2006 dementia set in. He was in stage 2. In April they diagnosed diabetes and high blood pressure. The meds they put him on didn't mix with the other drugs he was on and caused renal failure. He was on life support for 8 days. then I had to make that awful call. The brain activity had just about ceased. He went to hospice for three more days. I just never dreamed I would have to watch him die like that for 11 days. He was only 45. I am a bit older than him but we had a wonderful life together. There are children on both sides. His daughter turned against me after I practically raised her since she was 2. I have three children that I see and talk to everyday. My husband Bill and I raised one grandchild since birth. He is 20 and has come back home to live with me. He is not handling this at all. I can't seem to keep him out of the cemetery. He's there everyday talking to to his Papa. This is not helping with my grief.You are so right about the roller coaster ride. Just when I am feeling like I'm going to do something here I go downhill. I am working part time but, it is such a struggle to go some days. I am planning a trip to my home state this week-end. I hope I can carry this out. Do you live alone? Thank you for writing to me. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Connie on August 3, 2010 at 11:13pm

Connie, Please accept my sincere sympathy on your loss. I wish that I could tell you that it will be better soon but that would not be true. I lost my husband on 11/9/09 and I still cannot deal with life. I wait for the day that I will be beside him again. Sadly, that is what I think of and wait for. I have a beautiful family and they devote their lives to me but that is not what I want and need. I cannot have what I want and need because he is gone forever. We were married 46 years. We grew up together and I know no other life than the life I lived with my sweetheart. The only bright note I have is that I just got a new puppy a few weeks ago and my grandaughter named her "Tootsie". My husband called me tootsie all the time and I find myself (and everyone else does it) calling her "Hey Toots" which was what he always called me when he needed something. It has kind of brought him back in a strange, small way. This little puppy is my saving grace right now.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on August 4, 2010 at 3:19pm

Connie, my deepest symphathy to you and your family! I feel and felt the same when my Baby Fernando pas... and still do after caring him through cancer he ... It is so difficult when you care for someone and suddenly we supposed to function without our instinct of caring the person we lost. I still find it so difficult after 5 month and I am not sure how long it lasts but I guess a lifetime. I know what you mean with family, they are here for everything else but it is only you who can pick up the pieces in your life and rebuild something. We will be here listening and support your all the way because we understand how each of us feels, so do what you think is the best and the rest is up to you.

with lots of hugs

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on August 4, 2010 at 3:21pm

Connie, we bought a labrador puppy too and she is litterally a hungry pup keeping on our toes. We called her Lilo, my husbands first puppy.

with lots of hugs

Connie said:

Connie, Please accept my sincere sympathy on your loss. I wish that I could tell you that it will be better soon but that would not be true. I lost my husband on 11/9/09 and I still cannot deal with life. I wait for the day that I will be beside him again. Sadly, that is what I think of and wait for. I have a beautiful family and they devote their lives to me but that is not what I want and need. I cannot have what I want and need because he is gone forever. We were married 46 years. We grew up together and I know no other life than the life I lived with my sweetheart. The only bright note I have is that I just got a new puppy a few weeks ago and my grandaughter named her "Tootsie". My husband called me tootsie all the time and I find myself (and everyone else does it) calling her "Hey Toots" which was what he always called me when he needed something. It has kind of brought him back in a strange, small way. This little puppy is my saving grace right now.

Permalink Reply by Victoria (Vicky) Owensby on August 4, 2010 at 3:37pm

Hi Connie. I understand. My husband died April 26th 2010. He was ill for many years and his death was inevitable without a transplant and I too thought I was prepared. It turns out I was closer to him than ever cause we were together all the time. My time is empty now and I don't feel well enough to do anything about it. Mostly I sleep through those rough mornings and stay up very very late. The few things I wanted to do when Martin was alive that were very hard to leave him alone to do I have no interest in now and that was only going to the store or goodwill. I dont know if it will help you to have people to relate to but it has helped me feel a little less alone. If you need anything I am here to help.
Vicky

Permalink Reply by Linda Elbon on August 4, 2010 at 4:38pm

First I want to say I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband was very ill for at least 8 years and on dialysis for most of that time. He developed complications which ended up in taking his life. The infection was to bad and he just couldn't recover and never made it out of the hospital that last time. I knew for a long time that being on dialysis the time would finally come when it wouldn't work anymore and I would lose him but I still was not prepared for his death. My nights were the worst for me. When I would go to bed at night and look at that empty side of the bed I would totally lose it. I knew at that moment he would never be sharing that side of the bed ever again. My daughter and her husband were living with us at the time but still I felt so very alone. Was so hard to get up out of bed or to do anything. Had to go to work but I think I just went through the motions there too. Family try to be supportive but you have to grieve in your own way and find your own way back. I always tried to be the strong one but didn't feel strong then. Like you I realized that he had been my rock and I don't think he knew it either. I have since remarried but for a long time I still couldn't be happy even though I have such a wonderful supportive husband. I just couldn't open up to him about the pain I was feeling inside. Thank God I heard about this website and after hearing from people on here, things have greatly improved in my life and marriage. I sure hope that you start feeling better soon. Please take care.

Permalink Reply by Connie Elder on August 4, 2010 at 5:00pm

Linda Elbon said:

First I want to say I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband was very ill for at least 8 years and on dialysis for most of that time. He developed complications which ended up in taking his life. The infection was to bad and he just couldn't recover and never made it out of the hospital that last time. I knew for a long time that being on dialysis the time would finally come when it wouldn't work anymore and I would lose him but I still was not prepared for his death. My nights were the worst for me. When I would go to bed at night and look at that empty side of the bed I would totally lose it. I knew at that moment he would never be sharing that side of the bed ever again. My daughter and her husband were living with us at the time but still I felt so very alone. Was so hard to get up out of bed or to do anything. Had to go to work but I think I just went through the motions there too. Family try to be supportive but you have to grieve in your own way and find your own way back. I always tried to be the strong one but didn't feel strong then. Like you I realized that he had been my rock and I don't think he knew it either. I have since remarried but for a long time I still couldn't be happy even though I have such a wonderful supportive husband. I just couldn't open up to him about the pain I was feeling inside. Thank God I heard about this website and after hearing from people on here, things have greatly improved in my life and marriage. I sure hope that you start feeling better soon. Please take care.

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