Nothing has gotten any better for me

I still feel like a robot just going through my daily routine.

I still can't even remember if I've eaten some days or what I ate.

Your almost made to feel guilty because others think you should

be over it. "Just move on because life does not stop"

But it did.

I found that what I needed the most could not be given by anyone but the man I lost.

I needed to be held without any words just the support while I fall apart.

I really need to break down hard but I have no one to just hold me and let me ride through it. So now I have many mini break downs because I'm scared to just let go while alone.

I keep cutting myself off from feeling what is there all the time now.

I want to put my hands through my chest and hold my heart to maybe comfort it and lessen the pain. I've tried going around friend only to come home and break down in the driveway because I know it's empty inside. Each time I leave I'm returning to just an empty house. It's not a home any more filled with love and sounds and it scares me to see how long it's been for some of you because I don't know how long I can do this alone.

To all of you who need it I'm sending that quiet hug of support.. Dee

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Dee, I am so sorry for your loss and pain.  Mine only started 6 weeks ago and I know exactly how you feel.  As others have told me, do NOT let anyone make you feel guilty or tell you how to feel.  Only you know that.  I also am just going through the motions of life.  I cry all the time but try and hide it from others.  We will never "be over it" but I'm hoping that someday the pain will lessen a little.  Right now though it's like I can hardly breathe.  Going home to an empty house, seeing his car in the garage is horrible.  Remembering the things I wish I had or had not said to him.  Dave died suddenly without warning.  He was in a coma for a little over a day so the only time I could say what I needed to say was then.  I only hope he could hear and feel what I was saying.

You are not completely alone, continue coming here to talk to us.  Hugs to you...Jo

Dee, I am so sorry for your loss and pain.  Mine only started 6 weeks ago and I know exactly how you feel.  As others have told me, do NOT let anyone make you feel guilty or tell you how to feel.  Only you know that.  I also am just going through the motions of life.  I cry all the time but try and hide it from others.  We will never "be over it" but I'm hoping that someday the pain will lessen a little.  Right now though it's like I can hardly breathe.  Going home to an empty house, seeing his car in the garage is horrible.  Remembering the things I wish I had or had not said to him.  Dave died suddenly without warning.  He was in a coma for a little over a day so the only time I could say what I needed to say was then.  I only hope he could hear and feel what I was saying.

You are not completely alone, continue coming here to talk to us.  Hugs to you...Jo

Madness....That is exactly what I think I am going through.  I think that is why people com to this site--we are truly the only ones who knows what this madness is like.  Every word of what you said in your discussion are thoughts that I have over and over again.  I, too, look at some of the people on this site and have no idea how I am going to make it as long as they have.  This overwhelming sadness that envelopes you and you have no idea how to get out of the dark tunnel you are in.  I am afraid I am not being much of a help.  The only thing that even remotely works for me is to take things moment to moment.  I tried day to day and that was just not working.  Making from one moment to the next is some small accomplishment that keeps me going.  I am only 3 months into this and truly feel suffocated but each moment that passes is one I have survived.  Hope that helps a little....Tess
  Its been a year and a half since my Karen passed away. Some parts of the day can be bearable,but most days their comes a time that is painful. Tommorow will mark the 40th anniverary of or fist date,I plan to visit the cemetary.No one that hasnt gone through tis can ever understand what we are going through, I know I never did.At least this site makes us feel we are all in this together.
Oh that madness ... I know it so well... Hang in there, you can do it, come here and vent A LOT . It got me through the madness . Hugs and love and peace and prayers to you .

Dear Dee ..

My beloved husband Ernie passed away April 27th, 2011 and I do understand how you are feeling.  I feel like my heart is made out of glass and has broken into a thousands shards.  The pain is intense and I often feel like I have a rock in my stomach.  Like you sometimes I don't care if I eat, but now eating smaller meals such as a sandwich and soup and other times I wonder why I bother and it's all normal from what I have heard from others mourning for their spouses.  I too look at the length of time posters on here have been mourning and it is frightening and like you I wonder if I can go on, but we do!  When I feel like that I think of what my life and all those years with Ernie would have been like without him and the memories are so great and so, we should go on because of them and they wouldn't be happy if we give up.  I try to realize there are thousands and thousands of widows and widowers out there and they made it and I am sure we will never be totally the same without our spouses, but I try to look at things as a new chapter in a book of my life.  I had a terrible weekend of pure loneliness (mind works over-time) and am blessed with 2 dogs and a cat that are so concerned about me and on top of that I got one heck of a cold making me feel even worse and I didn't get out of my bathrobe from Saturday on with the exception of having a shower and that took all the energy I had.  Sleep is an escape for me as I am sure it is for many. I know what you mean by wanting a big hug and just sobbing.  I would love nothing better than to have my Ernie's arms around me again so I could cry and cry until I couldn't cry anymore. Hugs are precious even from family and friends.

 

Thanks for the hug Dee and a great big hug back to you.  We're here for you so hang on!

I want to thank all of you for your kindness..

This morning I'm feeling a little better.

I heard someone say once I act as a slave because I do so much.

Well those words came back to me and made me wake from this darkness.

I thought all was over because know one loved me.

Who would care how I'm doing

What will I do for Christmas

What will I do on his birthday

Just one crazy thought after the other.

But I am that person or (slave) that cares for others so it was never about who loved me.

My pleasure and gifts in life came from who I loved.

Now this is a clear morning that as we all know, could change at any moment

But I'll take this moment of peace until the madness returns. Maybe I'll be lucky and this moment will last forever. I'll let you guys know..Warm Southern Hugs to you all.. wish me luck..

   Hi,I know the feeling of operating like a robot, going through the motions without much thought. That has subsided,its been a year and a half since my better half passed away. But I still get that feeling when I come home and pull up on the driveway. I can have a great day being with my family,I have 3 grandchildren,but I have to come home sometime and then it hits me that I am alone again. I am not sure if it would be best to move, ormaybe getting rid of the things in the house, might ease the pain. But somtimes I like living the memories. Time will tell. Hugs to all,Jerry

Here is big hugs and here is to a great day for you.  It takes baby steps and sometimes we walk without falling and sometimes we don't.  Take every moment you can get for your own happiness.  Wishing you luck and hugs.

 

Marcy


D'Andrea Prater said:

I want to thank all of you for your kindness..

This morning I'm feeling a little better.

I heard someone say once I act as a slave because I do so much.

Well those words came back to me and made me wake from this darkness.

I thought all was over because know one loved me.

Who would care how I'm doing

What will I do for Christmas

What will I do on his birthday

Just one crazy thought after the other.

But I am that person or (slave) that cares for others so it was never about who loved me.

My pleasure and gifts in life came from who I loved.

Now this is a clear morning that as we all know, could change at any moment

But I'll take this moment of peace until the madness returns. Maybe I'll be lucky and this moment will last forever. I'll let you guys know..Warm Southern Hugs to you all.. wish me luck..

D'Andrea,

It's a sad existance to continue living without the one who makes life worthwhile. I just passed the 10 month mark. I did it by living moment to moment- not day by day. I don't know how, except that I am clinging to God like never before. Most days I cry off & on unexpectedly, but I have gotten better about controlling my emotions most of the time. I'm still a basket case. Only other widows/widowers can understand. Like you I live to do for others. About 3 months into this new existance, I began to change- I think for the better. I started a grief support outreach in my area, no big thing, but visit w/ others who are hurting from the loss of a loved one. I have always been a self confessed box turtle, but I have been coming out of my shell. My life line came when Larry's birthday was approaching back in April & I was wondering what to do.... long story short, I started a nonprofit organization in his name. All the time, energy.. that used to be spent making Larry happy is now spent honoring him. That brings purpose to my life. I tell you this because, perhaps you too will find new purpose that make our remaining time here not seem like a complete waste- which is how I feel sometimes. Hugs & prayers for you & yours~ Christy

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