Greetings, all,

 

I have been reading so many of your comments on the Comment Wall, and many of them involve 'adult' children.  Many have been supportive in the loss of our beloveds, some have been indifferent or even hostile.

It is a hard thing to bear the loss of a beloved husband or wife, but to also deal with the hostility or indifference of one's 'adult' children is yet another burden. I know that children, for the most part, have difficulty accepting a new stepmother or stepfather, that their desire is for their _parents_ to be together.  Or, if Mom or Dad should find another love afterwards, many adult children feel like _their_ dead parent is being disrespected or forgotten.

I have three (3) sons who are currently 23, 20 and 18 - they HATED Byron, because they feel he was the cause of my divorcing their father (he was not; I made the decision on my own, and married him later).  Their father is a good, decent man who is in many ways a better person than I - and I tried to stay married to him for 21 years.  I just could not, anymore - he exhibits many of the traits of Asperger's Syndrome - highly intelligent, laser focused upon one thing, and emotionally clueless. I made the decision after years of caring for everyone else, after years of trying to tell him what I needed - I had had enough.  And it was very hard, but the kids were young adults, and I needed my life.

I will not say that they did cartwheels after Byron died, but I know they were not sorry....and I do have contact with them, mostly because they need me to do things that their father will not or cannot (he is _extremely_ disorganized) - so I am the Keeper of Birth Certificates, School Documentation, Passports, Medical Records, Chauffeur To Doctor Appointments, etc.

So I have been basically alone in dealing with Byron's death, and I know quite of few of you are in the same situation. Byron's family has been supportive to me, but they all live at quite some distance.

I want to encourage everyone to both love your 'adult' children, but at the same time to not allow them to keep you from expressing your grief and bereavement over the death of your beloved husband or wife, or from being open to a new and different love, if that becomes a possibility.

 

Grace, healing, peace, comfort and wisdom be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

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Replies to This Discussion

Thank you for your words of wisdom Yaca. This is a rough road for most and encouragement is necessary for all of us. Luckily my daughter accepted my dear Bill and loved him to the end because she knew he was a good man and treated me with much love in the short time we had together. Bill's own son didnt have anything to do with us after Bill and I married and never bothered coming for his illness or death. My pastor and I did get Bill reconciled with his granddaughter but even she only called several times and facebooked me but never came to see him though I offered to pay her expenses. No contact since his death after the initial "is there anything for us". Guess they weren't happy to learn we had "enjoyed their inheritance" in our short life together at the recommendation of our accountant and stockbroker. He had warned Bill that his children could insist on "their share" since he and his first wife had been married 57 years but that any gifts or trips or whatever we enjoyed in the meantime were not inheritance issues so we followed his advice and truly enjoyed much. Bill shared with many that he completed his "bucket list" and was content for his life. Adult children shouldn't believe they are "owed" anything by the hard work of their parents but its amazing how many selfishly think they are "entitled". We must think of ourselves and live our lives to the best we can as our spouses would have wanted for us.

Yaca,  I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and also that you do not have the support of your children through this very difficult time.  I have three adult children.  Two are our natural children and one is adopted.  They, also, are having a hard time dealing with their Dad's passing.  They are very supportive but they think now that Dad is gone that they have to worry about me all the time.  I often tell them that the day their Dad passed, I got 3 Mothers.  My oldest daughter is only a few blocks from me.  The middle daughter is about 25 miles from me and the youngest (adopted) is going to school about 90 miles from home.  If I don't answer the phone when they call, they start calling each other to find out if anyone has spoken with me.  If not, then the closest has to come by to make sure that I am okay.  Heaven forbid I go out and don't tell them.  I thank God for them.  I have 5 beautiful grandchildren.  However, they do not take the place of Dad.

 

 It is almost 15 months since he passed and it gets harder day by day.  Each day is a day longer since I was able to hold him, or touch his hand, or just sit and talk with him.  I just wait for the day when I am reunited with him.  

 

Adult children have their own lives and their families to ease the pain.  It is the lonliness of coming home to an empty house, to wake in the morning and find you are alone, to get into bed at night and he is not beside you.  The hurt just goes on and on.   I am glad that you have Bryon's family to offer some support.  I wish you the very best in your "new" life.  

 

 

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