Am I all alone with ONLY memories NOW?

I have done NOTHING but cry today. What is my problem? I open a mental memory box and inside it is full of such joyful love of Doug and then in a flash my body crawls with longing to feel him hug me. How can such joyful memories be so painful to my heart? I am so lost. I don't feel as if healing for me will ever be. Peace to all of you. Ellen

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Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on December 19, 2010 at 3:06pm

Macky thanks so much for your heartfelt sharing. I hear it is just a process and others keep saying we must go through certain grieving feelings. Each at our own pace but good gosh some days I know you must feel like the one being tortured emotionally, that is how I feel at times. I try to stay in the moment and not borrow trouble to tomorrow. I know those firsts are here for me...Anniversary is the day after Christmas and then the saga goes on. I am not grateful to have to be on a site like this but if I must, I am grateful for the support all share and the hope. My hugs to you. Ellen~

Macky Smith said:

Ellen--I feel the same way--do the tears ever stop? My husband passed away November 6, 2010, my son passed away December 29, 2008. I feel the same way--when does the healing process start? I really don't know. my friends ask me to go to dinner, but I won't go. We went everywhere together. He died from lung cancer--the last words he could "utter" was Macky, I love you. There is all of these firsts, first Thanksgiving--our anniversary was December 12, 1981. Now the Christmas and New Years time of year, all "FIRSTS" for me. (my favorite uncle passed away January 25, 2009) I got a necklace through the funeral (husband) with his thumb print. I keep that close to my heart, along with my son's class ring. I started to put all the pictures away, decided against that--my heart is still breaking and i can"t take that away. I know GOD is with me--awfully hard not to ask "WHY" though. (((hugs))) to all of you

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on December 19, 2010 at 3:06pm

Ellen--I feel the same way--do the tears ever stop? My husband passed away November 6, 2010, my son passed away December 29, 2008. I feel the same way--when does the healing process start? I really don't know. my friends ask me to go to dinner, but I won't go. We went everywhere together. He died from lung cancer--the last words he could "utter" was Macky, I love you. There is all of these firsts, first Thanksgiving--our anniversary was December 12, 1981. Now the Christmas and New Years time of year, all "FIRSTS" for me. (my favorite uncle passed away January 25, 2009) I got a necklace through the funeral (husband) with his thumb print. I keep that close to my heart, along with my son's class ring. I started to put all the pictures away, decided against that--my heart is still breaking and i can"t take that away. I know GOD is with me--awfully hard not to ask "WHY" though. (((hugs))) to all of you

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on December 19, 2010 at 3:08pm

Thank you Margarita.

margarita chacon said:

ELLEN YOU ARE A SWEET LADY ALL MY HUGS GOES OUT YOUR WAY ELLEN I WISH I WAS THERE TO GIVE SOME COMFORT THIS IS A LONG PROCESS THAT IT WILL NEVER GO ITS BEEN MORE THAN 2 YEARS FOR ME NOW I HAVE GOOD DAYS BUT LOTS OF BAD ONES I ONLY WANT MY HUSBAND BACK ELLEN CRY ITS GOOD TO CRY AND LET THEM OUT SO YOU COULD FEEL BETTER THAT WHAT I DO SOMES TIME AND I KNOW WY YOU LOVED YOUR HUSBAND ALOT HE LOOKS LIKE A VERY SWEET PERSON THAT WY HE WAS YOUR HUSBAND BEACUSE YOU ARE SO SWEET AND ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING SWEET TO TELL ALL OF US HERE IN THESE SITE EVERYONE HERE LOVES YOU. ELLEN. MY PRAYERS ON YOUR WAY TAKE CARE.

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on December 19, 2010 at 3:08pm

Thank you Margarita.

margarita chacon said:

ELLEN YOU ARE A SWEET LADY ALL MY HUGS GOES OUT YOUR WAY ELLEN I WISH I WAS THERE TO GIVE SOME COMFORT THIS IS A LONG PROCESS THAT IT WILL NEVER GO ITS BEEN MORE THAN 2 YEARS FOR ME NOW I HAVE GOOD DAYS BUT LOTS OF BAD ONES I ONLY WANT MY HUSBAND BACK ELLEN CRY ITS GOOD TO CRY AND LET THEM OUT SO YOU COULD FEEL BETTER THAT WHAT I DO SOMES TIME AND I KNOW WY YOU LOVED YOUR HUSBAND ALOT HE LOOKS LIKE A VERY SWEET PERSON THAT WY HE WAS YOUR HUSBAND BEACUSE YOU ARE SO SWEET AND ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING SWEET TO TELL ALL OF US HERE IN THESE SITE EVERYONE HERE LOVES YOU. ELLEN. MY PRAYERS ON YOUR WAY TAKE CARE.

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on December 19, 2010 at 8:59pm

Dear Macky, no, the tears will flow until they are ready to stop, and they may not, which is totally okay too. Just take care of yourself, especially with Christmas (our 39th wedding anniversary is December 31st) and do what you need to, whether it is quiet reflection, happy memories, going for a walk, whatever helps. I often just look up to the sky and talk to my husband and tell him I love him forever. I lost John far too early from colon cancer and diabetes. I often think what will I do for the next 20 years of my life without him by my side.

I am glad to hear you didn't put away the pictures, I know that is very difficult, to have them around but I look at the pictures of my husband and I get happiness from them. There is no right or wrong answer to the grief process, it is heartwrenching work Macky, but I believe that our loved ones are still taking care of us, guiding and loving us through this process.

I hope you find some solace this Christmas season of "FIRSTS".

Carol

Macky Smith said:

Ellen--I feel the same way--do the tears ever stop? My husband passed away November 6, 2010, my son passed away December 29, 2008. I feel the same way--when does the healing process start? I really don't know. my friends ask me to go to dinner, but I won't go. We went everywhere together. He died from lung cancer--the last words he could "utter" was Macky, I love you. There is all of these firsts, first Thanksgiving--our anniversary was December 12, 1981. Now the Christmas and New Years time of year, all "FIRSTS" for me. (my favorite uncle passed away January 25, 2009) I got a necklace through the funeral (husband) with his thumb print. I keep that close to my heart, along with my son's class ring. I started to put all the pictures away, decided against that--my heart is still breaking and i can"t take that away. I know GOD is with me--awfully hard not to ask "WHY" though. (((hugs))) to all of you