first of all, this group and its support is truly amazing and has helped me to know that I am not alone in how I feel...my husband passed on December 22, 2011 so its been two months and every day has been a constant struggle...my time is not my own anymore and my days have become moments of getting by..it is so very difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't had a loss like this to help them understand where i am these days...they think I should move on, or not cry or just get over it because he wouldnt want me to cry..well dont i wish. The easiest i have come up with so far is this.."I am the eye of a tornado. Calm, standing still, no sound no movement but swirling around me is chaos, terror, fear, life as it is right now with the people and bs going on. If i remotely reach out then I am in an instant spinning out of control in a frenzy and there is no help. No return, no saving grace I just simply become an object of matter thrown into the universe and disposed of wherever I land. But they still dont graap where i am coming from. I am terrified of March 5th..this will be my husband and mines 5th wedding anniversary and i have no idea what i am supposed to do???? I want to celebrate in some way, but then again I am reminded of that special day and how I am now a widow...omg the tears and pain are unbearable just thinking of this day..any advice from those who have surpassed the first anniversary? any help is much needed 

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cynthia, Thank you! I agree everyone wants to be fixed,  Well all I can do is muster coping skills I cannot fix a broken heart.  Many blessing     Cynthia and hugs also

Michelle,

Three months after Wade passed away was our 30th wedding anniversary. Every year for our anniversary we would go wine tasteing on our way to the beach. Before our 29th Anniversary while we had been wine tasting we saw some beautiful glasses etched with the wineries logo and the were very expensive. We purchased those glasses in anticipation of our 30th wedding anniversary as well as a bottle of wine. (this was a big splurg for us)

After Wade passed away a girlfriend who knew us from 20 years before called me. It was a month before our anniversary. She did not want me to think she was weird but said Wade came to her in a dream and said I would listen to her and to call me. She asked me if I had special wine or glasses or something and that she had seen a red and white checked table cloth.  He told her to tell me to toast and celebrate our years together. He said he still loved me and we had a special and wonderful relationship for the last 30 plus years.

We had a big trip planned with a cruise for our 30th anniversary the week he passed away. We had ordered tickets on line to visit the Vadican that day was May 18th.... the day he left to be with our Lord. What a amazing coincidence...he bypassed this earthly holy place for the real thing. Hey it will never stop hurting but I am comforted to know I had the best while he was here.

I did go to the beach got a room overlooking the ocean and poured us each a glass of wine to toast our marriage. My kids sent gifts that were framed black and whites of Wade and I over the years.....some of our old letters and anniversary cards. It was peaceful to my heart...though I did cry naturally. 

You just do what feels the most comforting....Hope you will be able to figure that out for yourself....Hugs and blessings to you...Kathleen

February 15th was also 16 months for me without my Neal.  Then February 20th was our 42nd wedding anniversary.  I have been through all the "first", but I have to tell you, I went through them with my mind in a blurr.  So all the anniversaries now seem to me like the first.  I don't cry all the time now, but I still cry and it seem like going through this 2nd year is just as bad as the first, maybe because the blurr is gone, I know what is going on now.  I miss him so much it hurts.  I love him with all my heart and for me, I think all the anniversaries will hurt just as bad. 

I know everything was a blurr or like I was in a fog. Now the fog is lifting and I'm going thru it all over again.  I miss Gene so much I hurt and cant seem to get relief.  Hugs to you all and lots of prayers.

Dear Michelle ... I am so very sorry you have had to join us with the recent loss of your husband, but this forum gives so much strength to all of us as we huddle together expressing our heart-felt thoughts; sometimes feeling discouraged; alone; no hope, but this forum and their members helps all of us take one step at a time through our grieving period.  My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and although I am slowly finding 'me' and how to cope I also realize it is a long process and I miss my best friend and love of my life.  I do know that Ernie would want me to go on so I struggle like you to do my best.  Some days are good and some bad. 

 

Don't listen to those that feel you should get over your grieving so fast or not shed a tear over him because you had wonderful memories together and crying is cleansing the spirit of each of us and relieves stress.  I still cry off and on when something triggers a memory about Ernie.  My family and friends have been wonderful.  I talk about Ernie off and on and that too is healthy.  I highly suggest you get some help from grief counseling at a Hospice or, seek out a Pastor to talk too if you are of a faith.  I went to grief counselling and it helped to be around others that understood and this grief forum has also kept me together.

 

It is not uncommon to feel like you are spinning out of control; going crazy; can't make another day and the hurt in your heart for your husband goes on for awhile.  We have all been there and sometimes when I feel I have the answers to getting myself in shape I can get blind-sided and feel out of control and alone as well even though I am surrounded by family and friends.  I understand how you feel about being thrown into the universe and disposed of.  When my husband died I went to the same restaurants with a girlfriend and because he was easy to notice at 6' 6" tall and extroverted (so am I) and well liked people noticed him first and them myself.  I went to two restaurants and couldn't recognize any of the usual waitresses and the manager was there and he knew my husband and I well, but he seemed to glaze over me as if I didn't exist.  Sometimes I still feel this way.  Some of my long-time friends that still have their spouses have never bothered with me since Ernie's death, but a few have and it reminds me of the wise words my father told me 'if you can come to the end of your life with five good friends you are very fortunate.'  Friends don't mean to act the way they do, they just don't know how to react to your loss and they miss your husband as well.

 

Ernie's and my 39th wedding anniversary was a few months after he passed and I went out and bought him a lovely card and I did the same thing for every special occasion.  It brought comfort to me.  I kept low on those special occasions with the exception of Xmas where I forced myself to go to a family dinner even though I had to go to the washroom a few times to have a bit of a cry because I wanted Ernie to be with me and enjoy the evening.  Getting the card for your anniversary and having your own belief system that your husband is watching over you will give you some peace of mind and you'll have a good cry which is good for you. There is no easy solution to getting through a wedding anniversary, but you can honor your husband by a card; writing a letter if you want to let him know how much you love him.  It eases the pain a little even though you will cry.  Right now you are going through your own grief from your loss and no two people are the same when they are grieving for a loved one.  One day things will calm down and you will have some peace and a new life even though you will always love your husband.

 

I wish I was there to give you a big bear hug and get you through the day.

 

Big hugs

Marcy

Michelle,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would have been married to my husband, Frank 30 years this past May 15th. I miss him terribly but I get through it with all the wonderful memories we have had. When he was alive we use to reminise about what we were doing at a certain time during our wedding day. It never is easy and you'll never forget but the pain does ease and you will move on. Be strong my friend. My prayers are with you



Cynthia Clements said:

B.  I know what you mean about cleaning house.  It was months after Gene was taken before I did anything. My nephew was talking to me one day and I told him I dont even clean house anymore.  He said " The one thing Gene  was proud of is the way you kept his house clean and he  always told me so."  My nephew gave me back the reason to keep the house.  So I clean for Gene still.  I know he see me and is still with me.  Gene was proud of of his house and me,  I loved to cook and he loved to eat.  We made a good team.  He was what made me whole, I miss him so much.  It was 16 months on the 21st.  So hard to believe this much time has gone by, some days it seems like only yesterday I got the phone call. Then there are times it seems  like forever.  I still cry and always will.  Its not everyday now as it was in the begaining but I still cry.   It doesn't get easier or better You just learn to deal with it.

 

 

Loss just never stops.............January 11,1969 we lost our first son..........July 12,1991 my husband was killed...March 6, 2011 my 40 yr old son took his life.  Each anniversary, each "special day" still hurt deeply.

Even with as much time that has gone by, each day still has a sting.  You see when each left, they took a part of me with them - which makes a huge hole in my heart.  Years do help somewhat - but it just never goes away - never totally heals. 

 

Today I am finally understanding all my special memories are MINE...mine to enjoy - to remember much happier days.  Some times those memories do hurt knowing it can never happen again......but then when you look around the world and see the hate - the mean people out there who have NO clue as what it means to love deeply or be loved deeply - suddenly I do feel blessed.

 

Do NOT get me wrong - there is NO answers that take away that pain of loss.  There are NO words that make things okay again.  But we who are left behind have to wake up tomorrow, again.  Some how with the grace of God, we continue to breath, to live on....even though I have not wanted it....but its just the way it is.  I will LOVE and MISS those missing family members forever - or for how ever long I am here on this earth.  I will be 65 this year - and feel MUCH MUCH older some days............then I realized how BLESSED I still am ----- and hold on to that with both hands, for the day...

Carol ....  I am so very sorry that you have had to endure so many precious losses and each one does take a piece of your heart away.  Your post gave me strength because with all your losses you are still moving forward and yes, it is the memories we are left with and blessed to have them.  My husband died of pancreatic/liver cancer a year ago this past April 27th and he was my friend and lover and part of my heart went with him and I know I will never been a complete person again.  I am a little better this year, but still have some good cries and feel lonely; at a loss and not knowing where I am headed, but your post gave me strength.  You are a wonderful and strong lady and I pray that you will have some peace soon.  The one thing that keeps me going is knowing I have to live on in his memory and also that when my time comes I will once again see him.

 

Hugs & Bless you

Marcy

Loss just never stops.............January 11,1969 we lost our first son..........July 12,1991 my husband was killed...March 6, 2011 my 40 yr old son took his life.  Each anniversary, each "special day" still hurt deeply.

Even with as much time that has gone by, each day still has a sting.  You see when each left, they took a part of me with them - which makes a huge hole in my heart.  Years do help somewhat - but it just never goes away - never totally heals. 

 

Today I am finally understanding all my special memories are MINE...mine to enjoy - to remember much happier days.  Some times those memories do hurt knowing it can never happen again......but then when you look around the world and see the hate - the mean people out there who have NO clue as what it means to love deeply or be loved deeply - suddenly I do feel blessed.

 

Do NOT get me wrong - there is NO answers that take away that pain of loss.  There are NO words that make things okay again.  But we who are left behind have to wake up tomorrow, again.  Some how with the grace of God, we continue to breath, to live on....even though I have not wanted it....but its just the way it is.  I will LOVE and MISS those missing family members forever - or for how ever long I am here on this earth.  I will be 65 this year - and feel MUCH MUCH older some days............then I realized how BLESSED I still am ----- and hold on to that with both hands, for the day...

It seems like someone always posts something that hits me at the right time. My 27th anniversary is tomorrow, and I was really dreading it, since Joe has only been gone since April 14th. A friend told me to do something fun, so I decided to take my 18 yr old son to Sea World for the day. I know my heart will hurt because I miss Joe so much, but I also know he'd want me to celebrate our day.

As always, I'm praying for us all - I'll let you know how it goes.

Peace - Carinda

Carina ...  I know difficult anniveraries can be, but good for you and I hope you had a wonderful time with your son.  My Ernie passed away on April 27, 2011 and I bought him a card (sounds crazy I know, but it gave me peace.)  Then I surrounded myself with family and friends to keep my mind occupied as I know Ernie would want me to go on.  Don't forget to tell us how your day at Sea World went.

 

I pray for us all as well and God bless each one of you.

 

Marcy

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