Another long and empty day

Hi, my name is Sara and I'm new to this group. This is my first post with the exception of replying to another post. I lost my husband Ken on 1/13/16. He was just 52 years old. We have been married for 26 1/2 years, together almost 30 years. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, my absolute everything. He first got sick in 2008 when he had a silent heart attack and triple bypass. In the years since he's had issues with his liver which we finally got stabilized and then in 2012 his kidney's began to fail. In May 2014 he needed to start dialysis. For all of you who have had sick spouses, you know the worst thing is watching the person you love most suffer and not be able to do anything another than be by their side for support. Finally I was able to do something to help, I was a match to donate a kidney to Ken. We were thrilled, the surgery took place in Sept 2015 and he was so grateful to me for saving his life. Little did we know, God had another plan. The kidney was working fine but infection set in. He was in and out of the hospital 6 or 7 times between Sept and Jan. Despite all the doctors did for him, and they tried absolutely everything they could, he went into cardiac arrest on Jan 13th while hospitalized and they couldn't save him. No one, including the doctor's were expecting that. They were as surprised as I was by his passing. He was "okay" one second, I turned my back to move a chair and the next second he's in cardiac arrest. I guess his heart just couldn't continue the fight any longer. Every day since then is just one long, empty day. We had such a strong, bonded marriage. We did almost everything together. He had other health issues as well and whether he was in the hospital or at home, I was by his side for everything. Even before the surgery he needed so much help with everything. I was always so grateful to God that I was the person chosen to be his wife, by his side. Now, there's nothing but emptiness and surprisingly guilt. Despite everything I did for him, I feel "did I do enough? could I have done more?" I want a do-over for this or that. I wish I had said this or that. Not a day went by that we didn't say "I Love You" to each other several times a day. I feel cheated out of a final goodbye because he died so quickly and unexpectedly that I couldn't tell him one final time that I loved him and because of that I wonder if he knew. My head knows better but for now my heart questions it. Sorry for rambling but my friends and family have never been through this kind of loss. Although they try to help, they can't understand how deeply broken my heart is, how it feels to drive past our breakfast place, how it sickens my stomach to go grocery shopping and walk past the items I would buy for him. No one can understand unless you've actually lost the love of your life which is what led me here.

Recommend

3 members like this

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by mary bradley on March 24, 2016 at 12:08pm

i know how you feel...i lost the love of my life in dec 2007...we were high school sweethearts and had been together 34 yrs. he wqs 51 and died of colon cancer....when he passed away it took me 2 months to get out of bed....i must say it's better now, but there are days that seem like he just left me...i don't know if this will ever go away. my husband was so funny and caring, that i know i will never met another like him...and believe me i'm not looking. (tears are rolling down my face as i'm typing this) i just miss him so much, but i am marching on...one foot in front of the other...

at this stage when a song comes on the radio it get emotional , little things like this sets me off...it probably always will.... i just breath when this happens, i also try to keep busy cause if i don't then i just think and think how it could be now...and this is not healthy for me

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on March 24, 2016 at 2:10pm

Thank you for sharing Mary. It certainly will help me as the years go by that I won't be the only person not looking to "replace" my husband. Ken was the absolute perfect person for me. No one else could even come close. I will always wear my wedding ring thereby ensuring no one thinks I'm single and available.

I too will have to march on as that's the only option I have.

Permalink Reply by Marcie Sutherland on March 25, 2016 at 8:31am

Hello my name is Marcie. I lost my husband on December 8, 2015. He had many medical problems as well. thank you for sharing your story.

Permalink Reply by Dennis Bux on May 2, 2016 at 10:10am

Hi Sara,

So many things come to mind as I read your story. My name is Dennis, and I also am relatively new to this site. Like yourself, I lost my wife of 35 years in December 2013. Two years and four months later, I find thoughts of her very pleasing, and welcomed. Everything you stated is fine, and under no circumstances are you are anyone else rambling on when they describe the event. It is an experience that no one has the opportunity to prepare for.

I recently found this site and thought what a wonderful thing it is. Thus I did not post or belong prior to a recent reflection of my wife and reading. After my wife left us, I was like so many others, looking for answers or resolve. What I can tell you from my experience is it will come in time. The first six months is making sense of the grieving process as there is much reading you can do on the stages of grieving. Please look into them as it will help to recognize the changes in order to process the feelings or moods.

While I did not have this web site to share thoughts or feelings, I did have qa great support group. My suggestion is to find one two or three people you can talk to or share feelings with. In my case, I had a doctor, a palliative care nurse from the hospital my wife passed away in, and a lady friend who was a health care provider. All were there to let me "ramble", and help to steer me through the process.

It is a process, a grieving process, and you will get through it. I was attracted to your comment of having a soul mate, because that is how we were. I dscribed our marraige of 35 years as a marriage that I hope and pray my children experience, and others at least once in a life time.

So 2 years years later and I have come to the understanding that my wife is still and always will be with me in my thoughts and prayers. I will include her as she is a part of me. A simple way for me to process what I"m saying is to think about wearing a wrist band of a cause you believe in, or acknowledge. Every time you look at it, it is a reminder. It is a wonderful thing to keep your love one close to you.

Please find your support group and share your feelings and studies with them. It will be important to share your thoughts with them. I still do, especially around the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. If you have children, it wil help them also if you include or help them to process their grief.

Just one word of caution though, please take care of business or estate planning with an attorney. Do not make any quick financial decisions, and most important, keep your soul mate close to you for a while as you will find the way or place to process, or acknowledge your loss. The experience is nothing you can prepare for emotionally, but believe me when I say you will get through it, and be a person with a deeper soul when you do.

There is so much I could add or share from my experience, but then I would be rambling on. I will say that I feel good discussing this with you, and I know in my heart my wife is pleased with me doing so.

Peace

Dennis

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on May 2, 2016 at 5:07pm

Dennis, Thank you for your post. It's too bad you didn't find this site at the time you lost your wife. It really is helpful to know you're not alone in how you feel.

For the past 6 weeks I've been going to a weekly Grief Share program. It's somewhat helpful although no amount of talking can take away the heartache and emptiness. It's also nice to hear from people who have been going through it longer such as yourself and a few others on the site. To hear that it eventually gets better is something to hold on to although right now I can't believe that day will come. Some days I'm not sure I want it to get better for fear of being disloyal to my husband, having him think I don't need or want him anymore. Truth is his soul is who I want my soul to spend my eternal life with and I don't want anything in this life to get in the way of that. I have a small bit of his ashes in a heart pendant that I wear so I have him with me always.

I certainly hope your children find the kind of love you and your wife had. Unfortunately, this generation seems to marry knowing they can divorce and miss out on the kind of love that only comes once. I'm sure if they watched you and your wife together, they wouldn't want to settle for less. I am so grateful to God for the near 30 years Ken and I had together. I wouldn't trade a minute for anything.

Peace and hugs to you

Sara

Permalink Reply by Deb S on May 4, 2016 at 6:28am

Sarah, How are you doing today?

I am glad that you are attending Grief Share. I participated in this program and it helped me process my feelings.

BTW, I do not believe that the Ken that you have described would perceive your healing to in any way be construed as being disloyal to him. Ken would not want you to remain sad and gloomy. He would want you to be happy again. It will honor his memory. Regaining joy will not change your desire to spend your eternal life with the love of your life. Just my two cents.

Please take care of you. Debbie

Permalink Reply by Sara Murphy on May 4, 2016 at 4:29pm

Hi Deb, I'm doing okay today. It's really just like any other day going to work and now I'm home just waiting for the day to end. Ken would absolutely want me to live my life and be happy as I would for him if roles were reversed. However it's easier said than done. I can't help but feel guilty for living right now. I just have to hold on to knowing he's waiting for me and in the meantime will watch over me. The only joy I have right now is spending time with my young nieces. Ken knows how much I love those girls (4 of them) so I'd like to think that makes him smile.

Thanks for checking in.

Sara

Permalink Reply by Deb S on May 4, 2016 at 5:07pm

Sarah,

I am so glad that you are able to spend time with your 4 young nieces. This is such special time.

It is much easier said than done to live your life and be happy when grief is omnipresent. We battle sadness, grief, depression, crazy sleep patterns, shock and exhaustion. It helps me to give myself permission to take the time I need to reflect and recover. I've lowered my self-imposed demands and have become kinder to myself.

I'm glad you are doing OK today. My prayers and good thoughts continue.

Debbie

Permalink Reply by Harold McKinstry on May 4, 2016 at 5:31pm

Hi Sara

When I question what I should be doing or feeling, to get through the grief without feeling I am leaving Diane behind. I ask myself if it was the other way around and I had died what would I want her to do. I would want her to find a way to be happy and get some meaning out of life, I Love her too much to want her to give into the grief and not try to get better and enjoy life. I'm sure Ken would want the same thing out of you. It will take a long time to get to that point were I can get some enjoyment out of life, but I will someday.

Permalink Reply by Deb S on May 4, 2016 at 6:19am

Dennis, Thank you for finding this group and sharing this beautiful and informative post. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Debbie

Permalink Reply by Dennis Bux on May 4, 2016 at 12:57pm

Sarah, Deb,

Just back to my office and took a few minutes to catch up. I do agree with Debbie, and after two years and 4 months I'm finding joy in memories, and experiences. My kids will even joke around with me refering to what mom (my wife of 35 years) would do or think of my antics or actions.

As I mentioned earlier, I do not think you ever get over the loss. The key is to turn the process and memories into a positive attribute. The thing that helped me also is meeting a lady who understands grieving, and is willing to let me share feelings, and past experiences with her.

Permalink Reply by Deb S on May 4, 2016 at 6:06pm

Dennis,

I am glad to read that you are finding joy again and that your kids feel comfortable joking about their Mom. They would not feel comfortable doing this without recognizing that you are strong enough to handle it. This is huge.

You are ahead of me in this process by 18 months. I'm not ruling it out, but honestly cannot foresee a future with anyone else. I am incredibly happy that you are enjoying spending time with a supportive lady. This is awesome.

Debbie