Hi, my name is Sara and I'm new to this group.  This is my first post with the exception of replying to another post.  I lost my husband Ken on 1/13/16.  He was just 52 years old.  We have been married for 26 1/2 years, together almost 30 years.  He was the love of my  life, my soulmate, my absolute everything.  He first got sick in 2008 when he had a silent heart attack and triple bypass.  In the years since he's had issues with his liver which we finally got stabilized and then in 2012 his kidney's began to fail.  In May 2014 he needed to start dialysis.  For all of you who have had sick spouses, you know the worst thing is watching the person you love most suffer and not be able to do anything another than be by their side for support.  Finally I was able to do something to help, I was a match to donate a kidney to Ken.  We were thrilled, the surgery took place in Sept 2015 and he was so grateful to me for saving his life.  Little did we know, God had another plan.  The kidney was working fine but infection set in.  He was in and out of the hospital 6 or 7 times between Sept and Jan.  Despite all the doctors did for him, and they tried absolutely everything they could, he went into cardiac arrest on Jan 13th while hospitalized and they couldn't save him.  No one, including the doctor's were expecting that.  They were as surprised as I was by his passing.  He was "okay" one second, I turned my back to move a chair and the next second he's in cardiac arrest.  I guess his heart just couldn't continue the fight any longer.   Every day since then is just one long, empty day.  We had such a strong, bonded marriage.  We did almost everything together.  He had other health issues as well and whether he was in the hospital or at home, I was by his side for everything.  Even before the surgery he needed so much help with everything.  I was always so grateful to God that I was the person chosen to be his wife, by his side.  Now, there's nothing but emptiness and surprisingly guilt.   Despite everything I did for him, I feel "did I do enough? could I have done more?"  I want a do-over for this or that.  I wish I had said this or that.  Not a day went by that we didn't say "I Love You" to each other several times a day.  I feel cheated out of a final goodbye because he died so quickly and unexpectedly that I couldn't tell him one final time that I loved him and because of that I wonder if he knew.  My head knows better but for now my heart questions it.  Sorry for rambling but my friends and family have never been through this kind of loss.  Although they try to help, they can't understand how deeply broken my heart is, how it feels to drive past our breakfast place, how it sickens my stomach to go grocery shopping and walk past the items I would buy for him.  No one can understand unless you've actually lost the love of your life which is what led me here.

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Sara,

I just replied to the comment you made on my post yesterday and then I looked up your story.  I am sitting her now with tears streaming down my face.  We have had so many of the same thoughts.  It has ran thru my mind so many times of why didn't the Dr's try this or that or why didn't I stay at the hospital longer that last night.  I read a quote that said "The loss you feel when a loved one dies is not the worst feeling in the world...missing them for the rest of your life is the worst."  I think this is so true.  I am hoping we both can find some comfort from the others on here that have also experienced losing the love of their life.

Marty

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