Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mary. Jane on November 22, 2017 at 4:09pm

Dear David H
I just read your heartfelt post...I am so sorry you are having to endure this loss of your David. I, too, always thought that somehow my husband BOb and I would somehow go together...butbthat didn,t happen. So I am offering you my arms to hug you, and my shoulder to cry on. My husband of 49 years died in Feb last year, of brain, stomach and lung cancer. It was only 4 months from diagnosis to death..but I am thankful he got to die at home in hospice. Ironically, he was ALWAYS afraid of cancer. It was like he knew his entire life he would get it. We did everything together. We were even known as “BOBANDMARY” like we were one single person. After the initial shock of his death, as he wasn,t expected to die so soon...I went through the shock and despair...but then for the first year, I would go skipping through the house, doing little projects,wondering inside why I wasn,t screaming, sleeping all day...I would wonder what was WRONG with me? My soul mate was “gone”.
And THAT was the problem. It took me over a year to face the truth. Some part of me actually thought “gone” meant he was going to return! I actually thought I would hear his car drive into the garage, he,d come in and announce he was home, like always.
It wasn,t until this Spring that I sort of “woke up” and realized that he would never be returning again. It was a horrible shock...I guess I had something called delayed grief? I dunno. But the past 9 months have been hell...basically I stopped doing anything, as I realized I was left behind...my soulmate of nearly 50 years had been taken.
I wish I had some words that could make you feel better, but you are correct when you say this is too new to you.
Thankfully, I found Legacy, and it has been wonderful. Here, they understand, and unlike friends and family, they WANT to talk about your loved one. You can talk about anything here. Here you will find support and understanding, no matter what.
Two things really have helped me..the first one is we need to NOT think we were left behind. I know BOb is still here. I talk to him all day..and no I am not imagining..but I know he is here watching over me. David is probably with you as you read this...I realized this when I would misplace something, and I started asking BOb to find what I had misplaced...and I will turn around, and it will be there. No I am not crazy..this really happens all the time..so I talk to him a lot, and I KNOW he hears me..I can feel it in my heart. It is also comforting to realize that just because we can,t see them, they are still here.
I also keep a journal...it started out to be daily, but as time goes on, my raw anger and grief has subsided a tiny bit, so I don,t need that daily monologue...but it is very cathartic.
I would love to promise it gets better, but “better” isn,t the right word...it gets a bit easier in some aspects, and more difficult in others. This is a journey, that will help heal us in a sense...but never all the way...in a sense people like us are blessed..because we know what it was like to be loved. Some people never have that..which is why it hurts so badly. We wonder why we were left behind? I think we must have a purpose..otherwise we wouldn,t be here...and our grief and pain will ebb a bit with time..and who knows if we have some purpose. Maybe some small thing we do for someone, helps them in their lives...we will never know. But it is comforting to think that.
Actually, YOU touched my heart when you responded so kindly to Christine...you are almost as new to loss as she is, yet you took the time to comfort her, while your heart was bleeding.
And 67 isn,t old!! I just turned 71. There are no guarantees as we both discovered...we just have to do the best we can as we muddle through this life. I can only hope my rattling on hasn,t bored you or made you think I am a nut case...sometimes when I reply to a post something inside me can,t stop typing. Maybe that is why we are still here..to assist one another through our grief.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving which seems a little empty in a sense..but I thank God I have a wonderful daughter and a beloved cat. So Happy Thanksgiving...
Mary Jane

Permalink Reply by David Heggi on November 22, 2017 at 6:36pm

Dear Mary Jane,

Thank you for your beautiful letter!

I am so sorry about Bob - I know you loved him -- are loving him dearly.

David and I did everything together too.  One of the hardest things to feel is that of being left behind. But only in the movies do couples get to die holding each other.  Still, that's how we all imagine it will be.

Legacy has truly been a lifesaver for me too.  Family and friends quickly become available.  They don't want to hear it anymore.  At legacy we are welcomed and encouraged to express our grief.

I love how you keep Bob not only in your heart but there with you.  Davids ashes are in a box on the sofa in my bedroom.  I don't ever think of him as being here with me - he's gone.  But now I will imagine him experiencing the present with me.

I'm glad that you are keeping a journal;  I've always written to my self.  It can be comforting.

Mary Jane, you are not rattling on, and you certainly aren't a nut case.  I had to get over that w/Legacy too. There is no such thing here.

Wishing you  a Happy Thanksgiving, Mary Jane

Your friend, David H

your friend David

Permalink Reply by Susan Farrell on April 9, 2018 at 8:05pm

I am sending you hugs and wishing for you to have some Peace.  I feel like I am on a rolller coaster.  One day I am ok and the next I am grieving so hard it feels like I am dead inside.  I dread those days like you are having.  I feel  on the edge of insanity at those times.  Stop the pain please God.

It has helped me to journal about my love.  I write every memory I have with John.  So far, only the good memories.  There were a lot of them.

And you having so many years together will have quite a few volumes in your journal if you choose to write about your dear partner.

Go easy my friend.

Permalink Reply by David Heggi on April 10, 2018 at 4:03pm

Thank you, Susan;  I understand about the pain, and praying to God for just a little relief - it is crazy-making,  At times I don't know what to do with it.  I am praying for some peace for both of us, for all of us.

Take care of yourself