Hello everyone, I hope you don't mind that I take a minute to vent a little. I just "celebrated" my 35th birthday, the first one without my husband. Before meeting him, I never celebrated this day. Sure, life was fine, but I didn't view it as any day that was special. Ted always made sure that we celebrated. He made me feel special. He always said that my birthday was a day to celebrate because the day that I came into the world, his life was changed forever also, he just didn't know it yet. That was the day the person he was meant to be with started being. Now I venture out into this world without him, without the person that made me whole and I am just so very lost. I lost him 4 months ago yesterday yet it seems like just yesterday, in some ways, like forever in others. I still have immense thoughts of guilt. Wishing I would have done things differently while he was sick. Wishing I could have taken away more of his pain. Wishing in the end that I was strong enough to let him go, instead of insisting he undergo painful treatments that just prolonged the inevitable. Through all of this, I truly have realized just how weak I am when I used to pride myself in being the "strong one". I get up in the morning (I say that, but it is not like I really sleep) and just go through the motions. I feel like I Have failed everyone, in every aspect of my life. I just got back from a "family" vacation with the inlaws and left feeling more like a failure than ever. They keep telling me I need to be strong for my kids, strong for the family....but I am just so tired. Tired of going through the motions, tired of pretending that I am okay, tired of putting on this frong as though I know I am going to make it through all of this. I am just so D*** tired. They put together this big celebration dinner for my birthday, but how can I celebrate another year of being alive when the truth is that I don't want to be. The one good thing out of this whole situation is that I have finally found a way to be honest with myself. Through this site, and a work friendship I have developed ( I found out another person in my company just lost his wife to cancer also and we have become email friends, as we live very far apart)...I feel for the first time I can open up and be completely honest with myself and say things that I never would have before. But in that discovery, I have realized the strength that I thought I had, the love for life that I had...is all gone. The fight we went through with Ted's illness (through his chemo, radiation, Bone marrow transplant), all of my fight is gone. I used to smile, I used to laugh. That is now gone. Not the place I wanted to be when I turned 35. Not in the plans that I thought we had together. I miss him so very much and don't know how to think about the future or another year of this. I hear many of you, years down the road, still fighting the same emotions I have now....How do I do it for that long? Just completely overwhelmed and TIRED........Thanks for letting me vent a little.