Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by MaggieP on July 24, 2011 at 12:20pm

Oh Tess, isn't hind site awful...you can say I should have...why did I... I do it too. My husband used to talk about "survivor guilt". We do what we can, we make the best decisions we can, we fight the enemy right along with our spouse. Sometimes we win, and that possibility makes the fight worth while. In the end, when we are left alone to look back and analyze what we did, it all looks different.
grief takes many roads, and guilt is one of them. I don't know how long the pain lasts, I am fairly new to this process. I do know that it is an emotional rollercoaster. Take each moment as it comes. Don't "should" yourself or let others do it to you. Your children will survive this and so will you. take time. You have a big hole in your life. Give and receive hugs...hugs are good.
I started out wanting to send you support, but I realize now that I need this advice too!
HUGS

Permalink Reply by Carolyn on July 24, 2011 at 1:33pm

I'm so deep in the guilt, and yet I tried so hard to make all the right decisions.  I cry and cry about all of it.  I've never felt such pain, so sharp and unrelenting.  I don't want to celebrate anything, and I mean I don't even want a bowl of ice cream because that was something for happy times.  I can't imagine someone throwing me a birthday party.  They meant well, but it was insensitive.  Only you know what you need, and sometimes you need to lock yourself away.  You will as urgently need company just as fast.  My Ray was my whole world, and now my world is empty.  I'm putting my right foot in front of my left and not thinking much further than that.  Stay alive.  Do the routine things, stay clean.  And I put a little vignette in front of me that has me dead and Ray alive, and I ask myself what would he do?  Would he be eating, watching tv?   Raking the yard?  Watering the plants?  What he would do, I can do.

Permalink Reply by Jo Bartoszek on July 24, 2011 at 2:53pm

Tess, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I understand not wanting to celebrate anything. It has been 2 months and 1 week for me.  My kids insisted I go with them on vacation.  I didn't want to go anywhere but wanted my kids and grandkids to have a good time.  They probably regret my going because I was not in a vacation frame of mind.  I just wanted to be home.  I agree, this pain is something that is like no other.  People think after a few months you'll "be over it".  This is sooo not true.  Take one day at a time and try and get through that.  That's what I try to do.  Granted, it doesn't always work. I guess we just have to tell people NO when they try and do something to cheer us up.  They don't understand that there is nothing anyone can do.  Hugs from us all.

Permalink Reply by Chicago Beard on July 24, 2011 at 5:37pm

Tess - I am so sorry for what you are going through and am going through myself. Having young children probably makes it that much harder as they look to you for answers you do not have. All you can do is your best. We all make mistakes and as Maggie indicated hindsight is 20/20. It seemed like the right choice at the time. There is a saying I like "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." There are no perfect people and if you had done what you believe you should have done you would be kicking yourself for not fighting to keep him longer. Do what you can to take care of yourself and your children. They are victims just like you are. Please give yourself a break as I am sure you did all that was humanly possible to help your husband.

Permalink Reply by Christy on July 25, 2011 at 12:27pm

Dear Tess, they did & you will do it, just as you said, by getting up in the morning day after day with little or no sleep and just going through the motions. You are so young still to find yourself in a stage that most people won't face until they are much older, and yet there are those here who are even younger. Elise is only in her twenties and now a widow with a young son. Each loss & the coping of each loss, is terrible & unique for each of us. Your in laws are suffering also & I'm sure they are concerned for you & your children. It may sound harsh but I'm sure they love you & want the best for you. The vacation & birthday celebration tell us that much. I never celebrated birthdays before Larry either but he always bought me red roses & took me out to dinner. To him that was the classic "I love you." This year, my poor mother kidnapped me, & we drove somewhere neither of us had ever been before, ate dinner, got a hotel room, went antiquiing & junk store diving the next day  & that was it. It was a distraction. I was not "happy" but I appreciated her efforts. Hang in there, you will be just fine. Hugs & best wishes today & every day.

Permalink Reply by Sheryl McCormick on August 13, 2011 at 8:22am

Tess - I know this was written a few weeks ago but I am just reading it today.  All of the responses you have received are great words of wisdom from others facing this difficult loss.  It is okay to feel sad and not wanting to be strong some days.  I think we all have those days - my birthday was 11 days after my husband died I turned 54 (I keep thinking I am 55 though - but I won't be there until Nov.).  It was a blur and the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate my birthday.  I do think that you must be very much loved by your in-laws and family since they wanted to honor you on your birthday and encourage you.  People don't quite know what to do for us.  Heck we don't even know what to do for us some days right?  Yes, we do need to be strong but it isn't easy and adjusting to a loss of a spouse is so difficult.  I believe in time you will still miss your husband but the days where you feel so weak, heart-broken, not wanting to be strong will become less frequent.  In the early months you feel this pretty much daily and then as time goes on you have a few days of feeling stronger and the a bad day or two, etc.  The 9th month since my husband's passing was 8/5.  I have had a hard week again but I know compared to how I felt those first few months, I am doing better.  My counselor told me that studies have shown that we are on a steady decline (exhaustion, weakened immune system, etc.).  She said at six months we are at our worst and then we slowly get better each month there after.  I had pneumonia almost exactly 6 months from the day my husband died, I am currently dealing with skin cancer.  I am right there with the statistics.  Your feelings are completely normal for someone with a significant loss.  I think hearing those words from my counselor have been the most helpful thing for me on this journey.  The rest of the world really does not understand how hard this is and will not until they have to face this same journey.  Just know you are going to make it - you will get through this but it takes time.  God bless you Tess.