As the 2 yr. anniversery of my husbands passing approches I had a interesting phone conversation with my nephew who is like a son. He told me he has not started to deal with the loss of my husband. He is now 24 and lived with us untill a month before Miked passed and now is married with a son. My response to him might have been a bit harsh but he needed to hear it. I will go back in time just a bit, Mike was the only father figure my nephew had. We all know how teens can be so with that being said, when Mike was alive he used to get so upset that my nephew would stay in his room pretty much 24/7 even eating his meals there. He couldn't understand it, being older and not having the things kids have in their rooms today. He got on Justin all the time about it, you can just imagane the conversation, wanting the" boy " to sit and watch t v with him and talk wich they used to do all the time, he got him hooked on history and such things. I would tell Justin one night a week you must eat with us and sit with him a bit, well it worked for a while then right back to the same ole thing. Justin knew my husbands health issues. I would tell him you will have regrets when  your uncle passes and it will be to late to do anything about it. Well it fell on death ears, now 2 yrs. later he is having a very hard time and don't know how to handle his feelings and wishes he listened. I was very blunt with him and reminded him didn't I tell you this would happen and  now it is his cross to bare, as harsh as it was to say that to him and to tell him theres nothing I can do to ease your grief that he must learn how to handle it. I always told him to make sure that in life you do what is right and to treat others as you want to be treated. He wanted to know how I am able to deal with it and am able to move on with my life, I told him I took care of him and did everything to the best of my ability and I have no regrets ! I was just wondering how many have children dealing with the same thing ? Hugs 

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Wow Virginia, you slammed him with reality, but I think you did him a favor. I know it had to hurt him, but it's better for him to face up to it now rather than drag it out over many years. If we (anyone who has regrets) admit we are human & make mistakes, forgive ourselves for not being perfect & always making the right choices, then it becomes a little easier to move forward & make 1 less mistake next time. I think my son is privately dealing with issues like this. He was very stubborn in accepting Larry into our life. No matter how great Larry was a person, he was not Zach's dad & I think it almost made it worse that Larry treated us better than Zach's dad (my ex) ever did. Just when they were finally bonding- after 8 long years, Larry is just gone! My son says he feels like his heart is empty now- like he is not capable of caring for anyone any more. He still has not expressed any regrets concerning his relationship with Larry, but I believe that is the reason he feels as he does now.

Virginia, Mike could write a letter to his Uncle telling him of his regrets and sorrow. Sometimes that helps as simple as it sounds. Writting from the heart, (or some feel more comfortable speaking these things out loud,) can ease our emotional pain.

Also doing something our loved one enjoyed in memory of them and in their honor may help. I live alone so I admitt to talking out loud to my husband often, something I can't do when I visit family. Generally I thank him for all his love and caring in our lives together. I don't believe Love ever dies~ not what we had, or what we still can share. Mike needs to know his Uncle sees things differently now and holds no ill thoughts. I pray for Mike's peace of mind.

A. 

Christy, I did let Justin talk and get things off his chest first. We are so very close and have always been open with each other I don't believe he was hurt by what I said to him. He has never lossed anyone close to him, family that is, he has lossed a few friends in high school but as we know it's not the same. He will be ok, he knows theres nothing I wouldn't do for him, every now and again we all need a reality check. Hugs

Christy said:
Wow Virginia, you slammed him with reality, but I think you did him a favor. I know it had to hurt him, but it's better for him to face up to it now rather than drag it out over many years. If we (anyone who has regrets) admit we are human & make mistakes, forgive ourselves for not being perfect & always making the right choices, then it becomes a little easier to move forward & make 1 less mistake next time. I think my son is privately dealing with issues like this. He was very stubborn in accepting Larry into our life. No matter how great Larry was a person, he was not Zach's dad & I think it almost made it worse that Larry treated us better than Zach's dad (my ex) ever did. Just when they were finally bonding- after 8 long years, Larry is just gone! My son says he feels like his heart is empty now- like he is not capable of caring for anyone any more. He still has not expressed any regrets concerning his relationship with Larry, but I believe that is the reason he feels as he does now.
Alanna, Justin knows his uncle loved him, he just regrets he didn't spend more time with him. He does go to the grave alot and has talks with my husband,sometimes he would call me to meet him there but mostly he goes alone.I have recently moved out of state and I think he is having a harder time with that then he's letting on. We are closer then he and his mom but as I have recently moved so he is dealing with that also.One good thing about me moving is he is now getting closer to his mom wich is great. He does try to get me to come back to New Jersey though. Hugs

Alanna Bellflower said:

Virginia, Mike could write a letter to his Uncle telling him of his regrets and sorrow. Sometimes that helps as simple as it sounds. Writting from the heart, (or some feel more comfortable speaking these things out loud,) can ease our emotional pain.

Also doing something our loved one enjoyed in memory of them and in their honor may help. I live alone so I admitt to talking out loud to my husband often, something I can't do when I visit family. Generally I thank him for all his love and caring in our lives together. I don't believe Love ever dies~ not what we had, or what we still can share. Mike needs to know his Uncle sees things differently now and holds no ill thoughts. I pray for Mike's peace of mind.

A. 

Virginia, I picked up on your " I was very blunt" & "a bit harsh" & thought you were giving him a dose of "tough love." Delivery- sweet & calm or in your face- does make a difference initially, but either way you delivered the truth. I think what you did was done in love to help him heal now & to recognize that people that are close to us are important & to value the time we have with them, as we may never get the oppurtunity again. Everyone should hear- I mean really hear this, because frequently we just don't get it until it's too late.

Alanna's suggestion was great & I will pass that along to my children & stepson. I write to Larry all the time & it diffenitly helps relieve some of the weight of regret & sorrow, but also I thank him & share good news with him.

Hugs to you both~ Christy

Ah....my three sons (23, 20, 18) hated/loathed/could not stand/were angry with/blamed/did I say, 'hated' Byron - they blame him for my leaving their father - I tried for 21 years to remain married to their father, but I turned 47, and I simply had no fuel left in the tank, anymore. I married Byron 2 years after the divorce (their father got remarried before I did) Their father is a good, decent man, highly intelligent, a better person than me in many ways - but he is emotionally/psychologically clueless on many levels, and I believe is on the Asperger spectrum (many brilliant people have difficulty with emotions and relationships).  I have made every effort not to belittle, criticize or disrepect him, and we are on very amicable terms - we divided everything equally, when he demanded legal custody, I did not contest (he did not want Byron having any legal control over them). I did not ask for alimony, and I gave up the rights to his Social Security. Yes, I left and I hurt all of them - which I do regret...but I did love Byron, and he loved me.

They still have contact with me, because Mom is more organized than Dad, Mom is more able to help them than Dad (if something does not fall within Dad's sphere of interest - it does not exist, which is why Mom has all the birth certificates, Social Security Numbers, passports, copies of important documents, why Mom registered them all with Selective Service on their 18th birthdays, etc,etc, etc)

They did not exactly do cartwheels after Byron died - they did not say much; the middle one was ANGRY that I even had a Memorial Dinner, when he visits me, he is angered by some pictures of Byron and me in _my_ (operative word: my) bedroom. I told him that I love him, that I am his mother, but for him to expect me not to have any pictures of my husband - well, that was too much. So, when he does visit, he avoids the rooms with any mention of Byron (in my office, I have all of Byron's diplomas, certifications, licensure - I take comfort in them)

 

Peace be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Virginia,  You were absolutely justified in what you said to him.  Some people need to be told the way it is and they need to learn to deal with it.  My son-in-law's mother is 88 years old and, although, she has always been young for her age, she has not been the "motherly" mother.  She has not been close to all her sons.  She has 4 sons and has been close to only 1.  My son-in-law gets very upset with her because she is really not interested in her grandchildren.  I constantly tell him that he needs to just let this stuff pass.  One day she will be gone and I don't want him to have to feel that he should have done more when she was alive.  I tell him even though she doesn't call to see how the kids are, you should call and have the kids call.  I would hate for him to go through the regrets that he didn't try to be a good son.  If she doesn't reciprocate that is her problem.  Tell Randy hello from me.  Miss seeing you guys on Facebook.  Virginia,  hope you both have a very Happy Easter.

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