Many feel the same as me for the sorrow and sadness we go through and I do thank you for allowing me to vent and share my deepest  secrets and for your support but when someone says to me,"would your husband want you to live this way," whether they mean I am waiting for God, or not moving on, or saying I have no joy.   I would like to say to those (just to let you know everyone here is very considerate and understanding) but I would venture to say to those who talk about what my husband would say to me, I don't understand why anyone would say this, because would anyone want to have a husband control his wife while he was living, so why would they want to have a husband control his wife from beyond (putting it nicely) because I can't control my thoughts and feelings.  Thank you for being here, as I do find solace, comfort and relief here.
God bless,
Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

I don't think you will get the answers you are looking for on this site.
Misery loves company, that you will find here.
If you skin your knee and it doesn't heal after a while you seek professional help like a doctor.
Clinical depression requires that kind of help also. It's a mental illness.
Coming here is good for a day, maybe. It's like putting a bandad on a major cut.
Wishing you all the help you can get.
Tom,
I guess being a guy you don't wish to comment on my question or maybe you missed my meaning. Others from grief sites got my point right away which all I was saying was I don't particularly like it when someone who's widowed who should know that this phrase doesn't fit everyone when they say,"'What would your husband say..." Someone even said it was humorous which was just what I needed to hear and it was the answer I was looking for but I know we all have different opinions but I needed validation which is as a matter of fact why I come on this site, but it was on another site that helped me, but they helped me here too. There are no instructions and like I said what's good for one widow doesn't fit all as we are all only doing the best we can as individuals to live our life after the death of our dearly departed. And about wishing I could be brainwashed in case you missed my other reply was just my warped way of saying how much pain I am in. It's not possible to really erase Danny, it's just so unbearably hard to live without him. I wish I get all the help I need too and I thank you for your good wishes and also hope the same for you. In fact writing this post to you made me distracted from my deep emotional pain even for just a few minutes so maybe I don't get answers here but I feel less stressed and a little better, so thank you. I still am seeking the answers to how and if we can change our thoughts and feelings. I haven't been able to see the therapist for about 3 weeks because she had a family emergency and then a crisis and another day she was sick and I couldn't go another day for my own reason so eventually my head will straighten out after I get the therapy I need and I can't get an antidepressant (will that help anyway?) through my insurance from the psychiatrist until the process goes through and I have to see the therapist for now until I can get an appt with the psychiatrist. I am in total agreement as I know I have clinical depression but like I said the reason I come here is to be honest about how I feel and I know we are all in pain and in much sorrow. Grief sites do help me because the answers are inside of me. Anyway, it's good to hear from you.
God bless,
Suzanne
P.S. I hope you didn't see the reply I deleted. I was really angry but it was something traumatic that I just went through, nothing to do with you or anyone here.

Tom said:
I don't think you will get the answers you are looking for on this site.
Misery loves company, that you will find here.
If you skin your knee and it doesn't heal after a while you seek professional help like a doctor.
Clinical depression requires that kind of help also. It's a mental illness.
Coming here is good for a day, maybe. It's like putting a bandad on a major cut.
Wishing you all the help you can get.
No harm done to me, and thank you for a reply to what I wrote.
I sometimes ( most of the time ) write what comes to mind at the moment.
I had no intention of being mean. We are all looking for a way to live with what we have been through, and it's too complex to find one answer for all. If I could afford it I would see a phychiatrist myself to get to the bottom of all this. My doctor at the V.A. clinic would set up an appointment for me, but I don't want it on my record. I've learned from a court case that it could be used against me any time on any case.
During a deposition on a case my wife Loni and I were involved in, the opposing lawyer asked Loni if she had seen anyone about her depression that was caused by the people that we were suing. They were expecting Loni to give them the name of a theropist or phychiatrist so they could get the records.
When Loni told them she had talked with our priest many times about it, they quickly changed the subject. You could see the fear on their faces. That's not a place any lawyer wants to go or touch on.
Loni's father was a Chicago lawyer and well respected. The person we were suing fired his lawyer right after that and we won the case. I like talking with you Suzanne and mean no harm. I like to bring up thoughts only. Tom
Tom,
That's too bad about not being able to have someone in the profession to run things by or talk to. I hope you are able to come to terms and be at peace with your loss. It makes me think, though maybe if I were to have a file on record, maybe it could be used against me somehow. Not sure what to do about that but I have to let things run their course. I feel this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I know I need help, because I've come to realize not talking about my emotional state on a regular basis is not working for me as Dr. Phil would say. Now I really know I can't do this by myself as I feel I'm headed for the loony bin. Thanks for your support.
God bless,
Suzanne

Tom said:
No harm done to me, and thank you for a reply to what I wrote.
I sometimes ( most of the time ) write what comes to mind at the moment.
I had no intention of being mean. We are all looking for a way to live with what we have been through, and it's too complex to find one answer for all. If I could afford it I would see a phychiatrist myself to get to the bottom of all this. My doctor at the V.A. clinic would set up an appointment for me, but I don't want it on my record. I've learned from a court case that it could be used against me any time on any case.
During a deposition on a case my wife Loni and I were involved in, the opposing lawyer asked Loni if she had seen anyone about her depression that was caused by the people that we were suing. They were expecting Loni to give them the name of a theropist or phychiatrist so they could get the records.
When Loni told them she had talked with our priest many times about it, they quickly changed the subject. You could see the fear on their faces. That's not a place any lawyer want to go or touch on.
Loni's father was a Chicago lawyer and well respected. The person we were suing fired his lawyer right after that and we won the case. I like talking with you Suzanne and mean no harm. I like to bring up thoughts only. Tom
Just curious, Tom. Why do you leave and come back?

Tom said:
I don't think you will get the answers you are looking for on this site.
Misery loves company, that you will find here.
If you skin your knee and it doesn't heal after a while you seek professional help like a doctor.
Clinical depression requires that kind of help also. It's a mental illness.
Coming here is good for a day, maybe. It's like putting a bandad on a major cut.
Wishing you all the help you can get.
I enjoy reading the positive post. It helps to see that some people are doing better.

Connie H. said:
Just curious, Tom. Why do you leave and come back?

Tom said:
I don't think you will get the answers you are looking for on this site.
Misery loves company, that you will find here.
If you skin your knee and it doesn't heal after a while you seek professional help like a doctor.
Clinical depression requires that kind of help also. It's a mental illness.
Coming here is good for a day, maybe. It's like putting a bandad on a major cut.
Wishing you all the help you can get.
Lois. you are right. I keep thinking what would make LouAnn happy ? But I know that I am doing it because I am still here, alone but here,tending to all that we lived for. Have a 16 year old g-son to raise and get him going in his life. We had no choice about it but I will never let him down. LouAnn knew I would not be able to continue without her. Although I am continuing, its not the same,nor will it ever be, without her beside me. I should be proud as she is proud. Without my pal it sucks bigtime. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.
Dear Lois,
This was just my way of saying that I don't like that question the same way some people don't like the question "time will heal" or when say say "how are you" because the person who says these things like "your husband wouldn't approve or he wouldn't like the way you are living, or not saying you'll never have joy or that your living in misery" in the last reference control is implied and I still don't feel I can control the way I think or my feelings. Because when people who have not lost a loved one say these things they don't know any better so I let it go. But when someone who has been widowed says it, they should be more sensitive and I would think they would realize that some of us may get it, most people may get it but one phrase may not sit well with everyone. I guess I have my own way of putting things and should be more straight up but that's just me. Like when I said I wish I could be brainwashed from my memories of my husband was my own way of saying how much pain I am in right now. I really don't want to have him erased but all I was trying to say was I'm not dealing with this grief very well, I know I need help but the emotional pain of him being gone forever is taking its toll and I would like to say to everyone I'm sorry for misleading by my rant. I just can't take this pain of our mortality, Danny's especially once it hits in real life. I'm glad you are still here.
God bless,
Suzanne
Lois Taitague said:
I don't think it is in any wise a matter of allowing them to control our behavior. Not only did we always asked each others opinion over daily events, but Mark and I got in the habit of looking for ways to make the other happy, as that brought each of us the most joy. It's that loving, caring relationship that now leads me to ask, "What would make Mark happy?"

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