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DOES IT EVER END?
It is almost 10 months since my beloved Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer and it's been a rough road. It has taken all my energy just to get through the grieving process. On "Sept. 11th, my cat Molly passed away (5 months after Ernie passed) without warning which shocked me. I managed to get over that. I encircle myself with family and friends; take my dogs for a walk, but even though I was eating much better I continued to lose a lot of weight and it is frightening to eat and see such a great weight loss. I just knew it was not all about grieving and went to see my doctor and had a CT Scan done. I received a call from my doctor's office and he said from the person who read the CT Scan that I had a healthy pancreas; liver; kidneys and lungs (which I feel blessed for) BUT they found a 6.2 cm cyst on my left ovary (just over 2 inches.) I was stunned because Ernie had exactly the same size cyst on his pancreas. The person who read the CT Scan said they did not think it was cancer, but in brackets said they could not be sure. I am stunned; waiting for a call from the specialist to see when I can get in to see her. My doctor told me not to worry, but women know better. Not having surgery is not an option even if the cyst is not cancerous. Nothing has gone right for me since the loss of Ernie and I am so thin and frail I don't even want to go outside, but force myself. I am worried that they will do a complete hysterectomy on me because in British Columbia, Canada specialists feel 50 and over you might as well have one, but I do not do well on HRT (yes, even though one has gone through the worst of menopause you still produce some estrogen) and these are all questions I need to ask my specialist. It's the waiting! I feel like I am going down the same nightmare road I went through with Ernie with the long wait until it was too late. My family and friends can stare at me as if I'm going to drop dead at any given moment and it makes me nervous and depressed all at the same time. I've lost the vibrant outgoing woman I once was and wonder how I will ever get 'me' back. Now it's Valentine's Day and I miss Ernie even more as I know all of us are going to miss our spouses. I am having such a rough day waiting for the phone to ring from my doctor's office and then having to see the specialist. I feel right now I will have no peace in my life.
Forgive me for being so depressing, but I am at my wits end and having a hard time hanging in there. I just want to lay down and pull the quilt over my head blocking out reality,
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by nancy on
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Oh Marcy I'm so sorry. I too have days that my plan is to pull the covers over my head and never get out of bed. One time my husband came to me in a dream and said come on Nants we have things to do. I got right up!! My life has also been very trying in the last year and a half. I watched my Dad dye from cancer in 8 short months, my husband died suddenly at 55years old 5 months ago and Feb. 1 I had a dbl. mastectomy. I too have lost a good amount of weight but thank God because I truly believe that is how I found the lump in my breast.The difference between us is that I have had no time to think about the cancer. I was diagnosed Jan. 5 and surgery was feb. 1.I find out about chemo. and radiation Thursday. I used what little free time I had to investigate. I checked out blogs by woman going through the same thing. I also am getting involved in a support group started by the american cancer society called Hope Club. I have already spoken to woman on the phone and I was able to ask all the silly questions only people who have experienced can answer.I encourage you to check it out.
This poem by Dr. Seuss became my words to live by since diagnosed with cancer:
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
My brother bought a pink and a black bat to have my visitors sign when I was in the hospital.I love it.
Anyway, I'm out of work for awhile now and idle time is not my friend. I wish I could work..it's what saved me after John died. I will use my time to rest up for treatments and surround myself with people that know what I'm going through and that support and love me. I love investigating online. Knowledge is power. Make it a challenge.
I don't know that you will ever get "you" back the way you were just like I am slowly coming to terms with not getting me back. Life is different now. Just different not impossible. I'll have to learn to love me without John and now without breasts. Ugh!!!
I hope I've helped and not made things worse for you. I wish you only the best.We certainly all do have so much in common. I think we are all very special chosen ones. You have to be to go through all of the trials and tribulations that we have. Best of luck to you and I hope all of your tests come out in the best possible way for you. Big hugs!
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Permalink Reply by Sue on
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I will be saying prayers and blessings to you both. I will be sending you both tons of hugs.
Love Sue
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Permalink Reply by Diane Marante McDonough on
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Sometimes I just wonder how much a person can take. My arms are wrapped around you in hopes you get the call soon. The waiting is torture and will pray for great news. There are so many of us out there who know just how you feel and are here for you
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Permalink Reply by Jerry on
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To all that have or had there own medical problems, you will be in my prayers.hugs to all.
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Marcy, will keep you in my prayers! this is a long rough road and not at all fair. Hugs and hope you can get a peacful nites sleep!
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Permalink Reply by Kathleen Franck on
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Marcy, I've thought of you frequently in the last couple of months. I knew your big 70th was coming....the 11th? I have had my last reconstructive surgery one month ago and all is going much better than I expected. I am so sorry you too are having to face physical challenges that we should all have our husbands with us, to help us through it! What a shock that must have been I am so sorry!!! I have not stopped thinking of you and all who are grieving on this site. I don't feel that I am very encouraging because I still grieve so deeply. I know how it feels to face the unknown with these breast cancer sugeries in the last few months. I wondered whether this all happened to make me see I needed to be alive I had a reason to live. I pray that you will see that for yourself as well. God has kept the challenges at a level I have been able to handle. but I too feel as you do Nancy that this cancer thing and the loss of my breasts is nothing in comparison to the loss of Wade. I have been blessed with awesome surgeons and Doctors. I have been well taken care of and feel completely whole. I pray that you Marcie will have the best of care and you will have hope for the future......Blessings and comfort to you this night...XOXO Kathleen
Ps....I started to reply yesterday but my computer crashed...I thank you for your encouraging words in the past and I pray you will have many who will draw close to you as you face this unknown......
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Permalink Reply by Marsha H on
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It is so wonderful to hear from you Kathleen and I often think of you, but knew the health trials you were facing and didn't want to bother you and felt when the time was right you would get back to me. I am so happy for you that you are being well looked after by your doctors and I hope I am as lucky. I have had a couple of bad experiences (Ernie of course and then myself when I had my gall bladder out ... what a mess they left me with! They ignored Ernie for so long and helped hurry his death along.) We all miss our spouses when we are going through health issues. I am blessed to have this forum to come too and feel welcomed and heart warming best wishes and prayers. My dearest girlfriend Sue is coming with me for moral support. I am not all that encouraging either these dats as I still miss Ernie so much and I think many on here feel the same and all we can do is keep each other afloat.
I agree with you and Nancy that losing our spouses is much worse than what is happening to the 3 of us. I got a very surprising phone call on Wednesday late afternoon and it was my specialist's office ... they had a cancellation for 11 AM and it was a shock to me and I was unprepared, but now feel it is better it was a big surprise and I can get some answers to my questions. Thank you for your wonderful blessings and I appreciate them Kathleen.
I have done much research on grieving and it is not uncommon for the caregiver to have health issues as often we all tend to focus on our loved one that is ill and put ourselves second. I will certainly let all of you know what I find out tomorrow. No sleep for me tonight I am sure.
God Bless
Marcy
Marcy, I've thought of you frequently in the last couple of months. I knew your big 70th was coming....the 11th? I have had my last reconstructive surgery one month ago and all is going much better than I expected. I am so sorry you too are having to face physical challenges that we should all have our husbands with us, to help us through it! What a shock that must have been I am so sorry!!! I have not stopped thinking of you and all who are grieving on this site. I don't feel that I am very encouraging because I still grieve so deeply. I know how it feels to face the unknown with these breast cancer sugeries in the last few months. I wondered whether this all happened to make me see I needed to be alive I had a reason to live. I pray that you will see that for yourself as well. God has kept the challenges at a level I have been able to handle. but I too feel as you do Nancy that this cancer thing and the loss of my breasts is nothing in comparison to the loss of Wade. I have been blessed with awesome surgeons and Doctors. I have been well taken care of and feel completely whole. I pray that you Marcie will have the best of care and you will have hope for the future......Blessings and comfort to you this night...XOXO Kathleen
Ps....I started to reply yesterday but my computer crashed...I thank you for your encouraging words in the past and I pray you will have many who will draw close to you as you face this unknown......
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Julie ... you are so sweet and thank you so much for your prayers! I always go by the old adage 'who said life was fair.' It sure isn't, but I just have to trust in God and feel Ernie is watching over me and that's the best I can do. I will be letting all of you know how I make out at the specialists office tomorrow. Ugh!
God Bless
Marcy
Marcy, will keep you in my prayers! this is a long rough road and not at all fair. Hugs and hope you can get a peacful nites sleep!
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You are sweetie Jerry and thank you for your prayers; they are much appreciated.
Hugs and God Bless
Marcy
To all that have or had there own medical problems, you will be in my prayers.hugs to all. -
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Diane ... I can feel your arms around me and so many prayers and well wishes from everyone on here and I sure hope God is on my side this time. Yes, it is the waiting, but happy to say the specialist's office phoned Wednesday as there was a cancellation so I go in tomorrow at 11 AM and I am terrified! Yes, so many who have already been going through the grieving process seem to have another mountain to climb and I am hoping that God doesn't give us more than we can bare.
Big hugs
Marcy
Sometimes I just wonder how much a person can take. My arms are wrapped around you in hopes you get the call soon. The waiting is torture and will pray for great news. There are so many of us out there who know just how you feel and are here for you
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Sue ... thank you for your wonderful support. I hope I can return the favor to you sometime. I am around so if you ever need a shoulder to cry on I'll be there in a flash.
Love
Marcy
I will be saying prayers and blessings to you both. I will be sending you both tons of hugs.
Love Sue
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My dear Nancy ... I appreciate your support so much. Who else can understand what all of us are going through. I wish I could have a dream about Ernie, but so far nothing. I often wonder about that. Sometimes though I do feel he is watching over me and I hope this is one of those times. Oh Nancy, you have been through so much and I wish I could give you a big hug! After doing grief research I learned that the caregivers are so intent on looking after their spouse they forget about themselves. Stress is a disease maker and grief of our spouses or a child so difficult. We have all come this far so I think it would take a lot more to take us down. You made me feel better when you mentioned you lost weight as generally people gain weight during the grieving process. I just knew something else was going on in my body other than grief. It was the first big step in looking after me and I suppose a test to see how strong I really am. The CT Scan tech and my GP said they didn't feel the cyst was cancerous, but I'll wait until tomorrow to see what the specialist has to say and I can't say I'm not terrified.
There is no such thing as a silly question when it comes to your health. I have almost 2 pages of questions to ask my specialist because it's my body and I want to know what is going on and what she is prepared to do. I have two girlfriends who have had both breasts removed; one has been cancer free for 20 years and the other girlfriend for 18 years so high hopes for you Nancy.
I really liked your poem so out comes my bat and I'm ready to swing!
You know all of us on here will be surrounding you with love and prayers and I do understand what you mean when you feel idle. I retired and want to go back for part-time work even though I turned 70 in January. I don't feel or look my age (do lately) and just want to try to have what years I have left with some happiness as I know that is what Ernie would want for me. I love researching as well and it keeps me out of mischief. Ha! What the grief counsellor meant was learning who you are and of course none of us will ever be the same again since we've lost our spouses. Hey, breasts or not will not make a difference for your future because it sure hasn't for my two girlfriends. I get out of the shower and see myself in the mirror ...scream and think someone ugly has broken into the bathroom!
You lifted my spirits Nancy so don't worry about that. With all the support on here it puts things into perspective and we are all going through so much so 'why not me!' I am seeing my specialist tomorrow and I will let everyone know how things turned out. Boy, I am sure dreading tomorrow, but, as always I go head first into the unknown and clammer around like a bull in a China shop and that's because I'm a realist. I will deal with whatever comes my way. I hope as you say it is good news, but I know I will have to have surgery even if the cyst is not cancerous or I won't be putting any weight on.
Thank you again Nancy and you take good care of you too.
Big hugs,
Marcy
Oh Marcy I'm so sorry. I too have days that my plan is to pull the covers over my head and never get out of bed. One time my husband came to me in a dream and said come on Nants we have things to do. I got right up!! My life has also been very trying in the last year and a half. I watched my Dad dye from cancer in 8 short months, my husband died suddenly at 55years old 5 months ago and Feb. 1 I had a dbl. mastectomy. I too have lost a good amount of weight but thank God because I truly believe that is how I found the lump in my breast.The difference between us is that I have had no time to think about the cancer. I was diagnosed Jan. 5 and surgery was feb. 1.I find out about chemo. and radiation Thursday. I used what little free time I had to investigate. I checked out blogs by woman going through the same thing. I also am getting involved in a support group started by the american cancer society called Hope Club. I have already spoken to woman on the phone and I was able to ask all the silly questions only people who have experienced can answer.I encourage you to check it out.
This poem by Dr. Seuss became my words to live by since diagnosed with cancer:
I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
My brother bought a pink and a black bat to have my visitors sign when I was in the hospital.I love it.
Anyway, I'm out of work for awhile now and idle time is not my friend. I wish I could work..it's what saved me after John died. I will use my time to rest up for treatments and surround myself with people that know what I'm going through and that support and love me. I love investigating online. Knowledge is power. Make it a challenge.
I don't know that you will ever get "you" back the way you were just like I am slowly coming to terms with not getting me back. Life is different now. Just different not impossible. I'll have to learn to love me without John and now without breasts. Ugh!!!
I hope I've helped and not made things worse for you. I wish you only the best.We certainly all do have so much in common. I think we are all very special chosen ones. You have to be to go through all of the trials and tribulations that we have. Best of luck to you and I hope all of your tests come out in the best possible way for you. Big hugs!
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