DOES IT EVER END?

It is almost 10 months since my beloved Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer and it's been a rough road. It has taken all my energy just to get through the grieving process. On "Sept. 11th, my cat Molly passed away (5 months after Ernie passed) without warning which shocked me. I managed to get over that. I encircle myself with family and friends; take my dogs for a walk, but even though I was eating much better I continued to lose a lot of weight and it is frightening to eat and see such a great weight loss. I just knew it was not all about grieving and went to see my doctor and had a CT Scan done. I received a call from my doctor's office and he said from the person who read the CT Scan that I had a healthy pancreas; liver; kidneys and lungs (which I feel blessed for) BUT they found a 6.2 cm cyst on my left ovary (just over 2 inches.) I was stunned because Ernie had exactly the same size cyst on his pancreas. The person who read the CT Scan said they did not think it was cancer, but in brackets said they could not be sure. I am stunned; waiting for a call from the specialist to see when I can get in to see her. My doctor told me not to worry, but women know better. Not having surgery is not an option even if the cyst is not cancerous. Nothing has gone right for me since the loss of Ernie and I am so thin and frail I don't even want to go outside, but force myself. I am worried that they will do a complete hysterectomy on me because in British Columbia, Canada specialists feel 50 and over you might as well have one, but I do not do well on HRT (yes, even though one has gone through the worst of menopause you still produce some estrogen) and these are all questions I need to ask my specialist. It's the waiting! I feel like I am going down the same nightmare road I went through with Ernie with the long wait until it was too late. My family and friends can stare at me as if I'm going to drop dead at any given moment and it makes me nervous and depressed all at the same time. I've lost the vibrant outgoing woman I once was and wonder how I will ever get 'me' back. Now it's Valentine's Day and I miss Ernie even more as I know all of us are going to miss our spouses. I am having such a rough day waiting for the phone to ring from my doctor's office and then having to see the specialist. I feel right now I will have no peace in my life.

Forgive me for being so depressing, but I am at my wits end and having a hard time hanging in there. I just want to lay down and pull the quilt over my head blocking out reality,

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Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 16, 2012 at 5:32am

Nancy and Marcy, both of your post just speak to me. You both give me so much hope. I will be praying for you both and sending you much love and many hugs. you are amazing women!

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 16, 2012 at 5:41am

Kathleen, you to are an inspiration, sending you hugs and many prayers that life hands you only gentleness and god contines to cradle you in his loving arms.

Permalink Reply by nancy on February 16, 2012 at 3:55pm

Marcy, thank you so much for your reply. It is very encouraging to hear about your two friends. It seems the woman I've heard about with breast cancer go into remission and then it pops up somewhere else years later. So from here on I will think of you instead! I hope you received good news today. I also had my post surgery dr. appt. today. It was good news I'm not sure why I'm not excited. I won't need radiation and will be treated with chemo. The great part is that my lymph nodes are cancer free. The chemo. treatment is only 4 times total. Once every 3 weeks for 12 weeks. I will lose my hair the 3rd week following my first treatment. Unfortunately, I couldn't find my bat last night and I was angry. The first time I have felt any anger even since John passed. My poor 19 year old son had to hear it. I don't understand how my plate can feel so full when I have experienced nothing but loss for the last year and a half! I allowed myself to question why I have to lose my hair too instead of being grateful that I'm only losing my hair temporarily and not losing my life. I bought fake boobs yesterday and then cried because my skin hurt.

Anyway, I'm glad I can recognize my grief and my need to grieve. I just choose not to share it with family and friends. I want to laugh with them which I have given myself permission to do. I am so very grateful that I happened on this site. We have so much in common. We were married to our best friends, soul mates, the person that made us complete and new every inch of us, and the person that we love so very deeply. I have been going to grief counseling for 4 months now and I feel as though the last 3 days reading and sharing on these posts has helped me more than counseling ever could.

I am so blessed to be able to share with you all. Thank you for your support, love, hugs and encouragement. We will all get through this. We are the chosen ones for a reason. OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Permalink Reply by nancy on February 16, 2012 at 9:15pm

I'm a little frustrated..I typed a response through tons of tears and gratefulness only to have it say it wouldn't post unless I cleaned up the language(I think I said angry!) and then it disappeared. I thought I'd try again.

Marcy, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. It makes me hopeful to hear that you have 2 friends that have beaten the beast! I seem to be hearing how it comes back in the liver or ovaries. I will try to only think of your friends when I think about my future.

I hope you received good news from your dr. I also had dr. appts. today. Actually good news considering. I won't need radiation but will be getting chemo. The chemo. will only consist of 4 treatments. One every 3 weeks for 12 weeks. I was told to expect not to have any hair by the third week after my first treatment.I don't know how I'm going to handle this honestly. I purchased prosthetics yesterday and was so happy to have breasts again. I left the house with my head held high and my chest sticking out! Then I must have misplaced "my bat" and threw a fit last night in front of my 19 year old son. I HATE CANCER! I was angry for the first time even since John's passing. How can I lose my Dad, my husband, my breasts and now my hair!!!! How can my plate feel so full when all I'm going through is loss. Just doesn't add up.

I've always been a very happy joyful person. I'm happy for John. I know where he is and I know how he looked forward to meeting his Lord and Savior. Ironically we had discussed this not long before his death.I am just so heart broken for me. I do have pity parties when I get into my painful sobs.I have also learned to allow myself to have fun. It's hard because I always think wait till John hears this. And then my heart stops. I'm sure we all go through this. I just know that everything we are going through is going to make us golden some day. We can do this. This site has helped me more just this week than the last 4 months of grief counseling!

I miss my best friend in the whole world. My biggest supporter. Now my angel. Sometimes I think the cancer is just to distract me from my grief. And it does. If this is all a test of faith I will pass.

Bless you and I'll be praying for you. Thank you so much. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 16, 2012 at 9:46pm

Nancy, You have every right to have "pity parties" and to be angry! Seriously!!! How much can a person lose before you cannot take any more! Once the chemo is done the hair will come back get yourself a beautiful wig and nobody will know, I know this probably doesn't help much but you are stil here for your son, he doesn't need to lose mom and dad both. Hug my courageous friend. Remember you are beautiful just the way you are!!!!

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on February 17, 2012 at 3:51am

Oh my Nancy girl ... I can well imagine how frustrated you are and the tears you have been through as I'm going through a little of it myself, but confess that you have had it tough!

I don't think it was any bad language from you, but just a blip technically.

I know how you feel once having cancer, but it not true in many cases that cancer will show up in your liver or ovaries. As long as you work with your GP you can ask to have your liver checked every 6 months to start with. There is also a type of ultra sound; CT Scan (non invasive) you can have to keep an eye on your ovaries. My two girlfriends have had no problems with their liver or ovaries. You may know this already, but when they remove your breasts they also take out lymph nodes (a good thing) so I think you are going to do just fine. I realize right now you miss your breasts; you can imagine living without them and of course it is a trauma to your body, but ask most men (it was done on a survey) and most didn't care if the woman had one or two breasts because they would love her because of her character. You are a beautiful strong woman so go for the blow girl! British Columbia, Canada is having a 60 km run for breast cancer so you are far from along losing both breasts and many have survived.

Well there ya go sweetie .. a good visit and few Chemo treatments. 4 Chemo treatments are just a preventative measure and you should be able to get through it just fine as my friends did. Because there is only 4 treatments that's a good sign. As far as your hair oh heck! My sister-in-law and some of my friends have Alopecia (natural hair loss that comes with menopause) and they wear wigs. Didn't you know wigs are in now!!! The wigs today are so light weight and airy (not like they use to be) and so go out with a girlfriend and have a blast and choose which wig is best for you. Many places that carry wigs will give you a big discount if you can prove you've had cancer. Get the wig; go have a facial with a girlfriend after that and go for lunch. You need to be kind to yourself!

We are so much alike in the anger department. You truly have gone through so much more than I have, but I completely understand. I also understand about your pink bat and it's just the stress making you have a hissy fit. I was so nervous about my appointment today that last night when I went to have a shower the bracket that holds the shower head broke off and the shower head was spewing water all over the place and I was trying to catch the blasted thing. What a sight. I remember looking up and saying 'God, what else am I going to be dealing with. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin at any moment.' It was a silly thing I was getting upset about, but at the time I felt everything was against me. I started to cry so yes, I know how little things can upset you and it's OK to have a 'pity party' ... everyone has them sooner or later and I think each one of us on here deserves to let off some steam and have that 'pity party.'

Your John was your love as my Ernie is to me, but I stop every so often realizing he is not here when I want to tell him something, but also realize that I do believe their spirit is around us through tough times and I think of when the time for me comes to pass away that he will be there to hold out his hand waiting for me, so I truly hope you can get this image in your mind about John. Our spouses would not want us to give up, but go on and try to have a happy life. For some reason some of us seem to have one thing after the other, but look back in your life a little and you'll wonder 'how did John and I ever get through that.' Yes, John was there, but it was also yourself that was the strong one. We need to go on keeping that torch of memories lit. We are much loved by our spouses. I think spouses that have passed on are very special people and the rest of us left behind ... we have a mission to finish before our time comes. You have your son and family so go on for them.

I too am generally a joyful and funny person with a very extroverted personality, but at least now I feel like a dried up old prune. I am tired like you seeing doctors and living in fear, but I am not going to let it beat me. I am Scottish/Irish decent so that should tell you something. Ha, ha.

Ernie was my friend as well as my lover and now my guardian angel, but now after 10 months I feel truly blessed I had him for the time I did. The old saying, 'It is better to have loved and lost than not loved at all' rings true. All of us were so very lucky to have our loved one in our life no matter how short or long a span it was. Here is a poem I wrote for someone very special lady in my husband's family and I believe it (it was like God was guiding my pen across the paper.)

WHITE LIGHT & ANGELS:

There is a light that beckons me

My pain is gone, my soul is free

On angle's wings I soar above

To land on fields of flowers I love

A gentle wind has touched my face

Trees bend their boughs in all their grace

When suddenly ....

I sense your sorrow, feel your tears

I won't forget, you're always near

Don't cry for me because I'm gone,

I love you so, be strong, go on

In time that light will beckon thee

Your pain is gone, your soul is free

On angel's wings we'll soar above

I'll craddle you in arms of love

Don't cry for me because I'm gone

We'll meet again you must be strong

by Marcy Maday

Nancy, I agree this forum has helped all of us. I am not use to the forum and don't have a yahoo email, but if you are interested I will certainly leave any of your my own personal email as I love to help. I agree with you that the trials we all go through is a distraction and also a reminder that now we are having to look after ourselves ... putting us first right now and we are just not use to it and often we are caught up in so many other distractions as life screams by us at lightening speed. Perhaps it's a lesson that we should stop and smell the flowers every so often. I will be leaving a post to everyone who was so kind to back me in my time of need re the cyst on my ovary.

Love and big hugs

Marcy

I'm a little frustrated..I typed a response through tons of tears and gratefulness only to have it say it wouldn't post unless I cleaned up the language(I think I said angry!) and then it disappeared. I thought I'd try again.

Marcy, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. It makes me hopeful to hear that you have 2 friends that have beaten the beast! I seem to be hearing how it comes back in the liver or ovaries. I will try to only think of your friends when I think about my future.

I hope you received good news from your dr. I also had dr. appts. today. Actually good news considering. I won't need radiation but will be getting chemo. The chemo. will only consist of 4 treatments. One every 3 weeks for 12 weeks. I was told to expect not to have any hair by the third week after my first treatment.I don't know how I'm going to handle this honestly. I purchased prosthetics yesterday and was so happy to have breasts again. I left the house with my head held high and my chest sticking out! Then I must have misplaced "my bat" and threw a fit last night in front of my 19 year old son. I HATE CANCER! I was angry for the first time even since John's passing. How can I lose my Dad, my husband, my breasts and now my hair!!!! How can my plate feel so full when all I'm going through is loss. Just doesn't add up.

I've always been a very happy joyful person. I'm happy for John. I know where he is and I know how he looked forward to meeting his Lord and Savior. Ironically we had discussed this not long before his death.I am just so heart broken for me. I do have pity parties when I get into my painful sobs.I have also learned to allow myself to have fun. It's hard because I always think wait till John hears this. And then my heart stops. I'm sure we all go through this. I just know that everything we are going through is going to make us golden some day. We can do this. This site has helped me more just this week than the last 4 months of grief counseling!

I miss my best friend in the whole world. My biggest supporter. Now my angel. Sometimes I think the cancer is just to distract me from my grief. And it does. If this is all a test of faith I will pass.

Bless you and I'll be praying for you. Thank you so much. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by nancy on February 17, 2012 at 8:26am

Thank you Marcy for your encouraging words. The poem you wrote is absolutely beautiful.

Lots of tears already today. Maybe tears of relief seeing there is an end to this crazy cancer thing. I purchased a t-shirt on line last night that says "Heck yeah they're fake, the real ones tried to kill me!" I too am Scottish/ Irish/ English and I usually go at things head on. I'm hoping my fun side is coming back. My crying days had slowed down quite a bit with my diagnosis and now I have lots of time to miss John all day again. My next goal will be to get back to work. I need distractions.

Thank you again for all of your kind words. Love and hugs

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 17, 2012 at 9:22am

Marcy, this is a fabulous post. I absolutely adore the poem. it is sooooo beautiful. Awsome advice, and I feel we both have the same believe system, every word of your post rings true. Your a true inspiration to us all.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on February 18, 2012 at 4:52am

Julie ... you so kind and I am happy you enjoyed the poem. We are of the same belief. For those of us that love our spouses so dearly I can't imagine death would separate us forever.

Hugs

Marcy

Marcy, this is a fabulous post. I absolutely adore the poem. it is sooooo beautiful. Awsome advice, and I feel we both have the same believe system, every word of your post rings true. Your a true inspiration to us all.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on February 18, 2012 at 5:06am

You are very welcome Nancy and as I said to Julie, I believe it because all of us love our spouses so much it can't possibly be the end of things to come.

I know how difficult things can be and you are still grieving and then dealing with your cancer and you shall overcome!!!!! I had such a good laugh about your T-shirt and GOOD FOR YOU! If you don't want to cry then live with laughter! Oh boy, another thing in common ... Scottish/Irish and I also have a wee bit of English that snuck in there somewhere.

I am sure once your cancer is in check (you are getting better every day) that you can go back to work and have a life of your own. I am hoping for the same thing.

I don't cry as often as I use too either. However, today I went out with my girlfriend to find some jeans and I've lost so much weight I am down to a size 2 from a 10 (Canadian sizes are different than U.S. sizes.) I have no shape right now and it's worrying me to death. I was so upset I was crying in the dressing room feeling very over-whelmed, but slapped myself silly and the evening turned out well as my brother and his wife came for a visit in the evening. I sure wish that I could afford a good diet counsellor and also a private exercise trainer and I'm trying to figure something out.

My next goal after they find out what is wrong with me is to find work .. yup I'm 70, but a mind full of knowledge and by George, I'll get a part-time job and of course volunteer. Oh yes, I tried last night to post about what happened at the gyno's office and it wouldn't send the post so will try again tonight. Must be a technical glitch going on right now.

Wear that T-shirt proudly; get your pink bat and you'll be back in the saddle in no time.

Love & Hugs

Marcy

nancy bacon said:

Thank you Marcy for your encouraging words. The poem you wrote is absolutely beautiful.

Lots of tears already today. Maybe tears of relief seeing there is an end to this crazy cancer thing. I purchased a t-shirt on line last night that says "Heck yeah they're fake, the real ones tried to kill me!" I too am Scottish/ Irish/ English and I usually go at things head on. I'm hoping my fun side is coming back. My crying days had slowed down quite a bit with my diagnosis and now I have lots of time to miss John all day again. My next goal will be to get back to work. I need distractions.

Thank you again for all of your kind words. Love and hugs

Permalink Reply by Vee on February 18, 2012 at 9:00am

Marcy, I am taking your situation before the throne of grace. I think there is a part of all of us that wants to join our loved ones in eternal rest to reconnect with that missing piece of our souls. But you know what? God has a purpose and a plan for our lives. We are still here, so He has a plan for us. For all that you are going through, your indomitable will is a guiding light to those of us that are going through this tunnel with you.

I draw strength from you, that despite what you are going through you are giving to all of us and teaching us that we have to listen to our bodies. I believe your Ernie is watching over you. Yes, your family and friends are concerned about you, because they don't want to lose you. My family and friends are, too, concerned about me. Yet, I just want you to know that you have many friends here. I am praying that God will lead you to learn to see what Ernie saw in you. Embrace what Ernie saw in you. I am trying to learn to see what Lawrence saw in me other than a woman who loved him with all the love she could muster. Nurture that part that he loved.

Here is my prayer for you. God open up doors she can't see and give her the blessing of life. Along with that blessing, Lord, renew her belief in life and show her what path she should take. You gave her the assignment of Ernie, and she worked diligently in that assignment to be the woman you would have her be. Lord, help her to find meaning and strength. Take her through this battle, and show her your love, your light, and your mercy. God, she has a purpose, and I know you have a plan for her life. Help her with this weight loss. Help her feel joy again as we all want to feel joy again.

Dear, Heavenly Father, I ask you to help her understand and accept that Ernie is in eternal rest. He smiles when she smiles. He knows the ending of the story now. He awaits her and will greet her when she completes her assignment. Father, let her story be a testimony to all of us who struggle. I believe in you, Father, and I believe in her. Though I've never met her, I know that your glory surrounds her. Thank you right now, in the precious name of Jesus. Let your blood that you sprinkled on the mercy seat be against these situations that are trying her and threatening her joy. Right now, Father, I lift her up and all those on this discussion who are being challenged because their hedge, their partner, has been removed. Father, I thank you for her deliverance. Amen.

Marcy, God bless you. I will continue to pray for all of us. I am not an exception to the internal and external struggle that has ensued against us with the loss of our loved ones. Blessings, my friend!

Permalink Reply by Julie Stearns on February 18, 2012 at 11:33am

Vee, This is a beautiful post and so beautifully written. Marcy, I couldn't agree with her more! much love to everyone here.