DOES IT EVER END?

It is almost 10 months since my beloved Ernie passed away from pancreatic cancer and it's been a rough road. It has taken all my energy just to get through the grieving process. On "Sept. 11th, my cat Molly passed away (5 months after Ernie passed) without warning which shocked me. I managed to get over that. I encircle myself with family and friends; take my dogs for a walk, but even though I was eating much better I continued to lose a lot of weight and it is frightening to eat and see such a great weight loss. I just knew it was not all about grieving and went to see my doctor and had a CT Scan done. I received a call from my doctor's office and he said from the person who read the CT Scan that I had a healthy pancreas; liver; kidneys and lungs (which I feel blessed for) BUT they found a 6.2 cm cyst on my left ovary (just over 2 inches.) I was stunned because Ernie had exactly the same size cyst on his pancreas. The person who read the CT Scan said they did not think it was cancer, but in brackets said they could not be sure. I am stunned; waiting for a call from the specialist to see when I can get in to see her. My doctor told me not to worry, but women know better. Not having surgery is not an option even if the cyst is not cancerous. Nothing has gone right for me since the loss of Ernie and I am so thin and frail I don't even want to go outside, but force myself. I am worried that they will do a complete hysterectomy on me because in British Columbia, Canada specialists feel 50 and over you might as well have one, but I do not do well on HRT (yes, even though one has gone through the worst of menopause you still produce some estrogen) and these are all questions I need to ask my specialist. It's the waiting! I feel like I am going down the same nightmare road I went through with Ernie with the long wait until it was too late. My family and friends can stare at me as if I'm going to drop dead at any given moment and it makes me nervous and depressed all at the same time. I've lost the vibrant outgoing woman I once was and wonder how I will ever get 'me' back. Now it's Valentine's Day and I miss Ernie even more as I know all of us are going to miss our spouses. I am having such a rough day waiting for the phone to ring from my doctor's office and then having to see the specialist. I feel right now I will have no peace in my life.

Forgive me for being so depressing, but I am at my wits end and having a hard time hanging in there. I just want to lay down and pull the quilt over my head blocking out reality,

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Permalink Reply by Marsha H on February 22, 2012 at 12:16am

You sure picked the right song Julie. We all have our own mountains to climb. Thanks for putting my email into your contact list. I have to take time out and study this forum more so I know how to use it better. Right now just getting through a day is a kicker.

Marcy

Just like the miley cyrus song always gonna be another mountain and we are always gonna wanna make it move everyday is an uphill battle we are never gonna lose...Keep me posted and I will put your email inot my contacts.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on February 22, 2012 at 3:48am

Kathleen ... I knew you would understand as I'm sure all of us have waited and felt the craziness. I feel badly for your sister and what a scare they put her through. I find many of the doctors here don't realize how terrifying the big 'C' word is to even the mightest of men or women. They should know better. The one good thing about the liver is it rejuvenates itself even if there is only 1/8th of it left as long as (if cancer and the type of cancer) has not spread too far. Here is a secret I use and have my friends use and it's one word 'MEDIA!!!!!' Once I mentioned that when Ernie wasn't being taken seriously over his various illnesses that word alone moved mountains so I hope your sister will consider it. I think she should have the cysts removed even though non cancerous for the same reason I want the cyst off my ovary ... I don't want the cyst to cause pain or to grow large enough to involve other organs which it can. I have no idea why some specialists are so insensitive. I use to do transcription work for doctors and they are the biggest babies going when it comes to their own health.

I hope my worries will be behind soon as well Kathleen and of course I'll pray for your sister as she deserves a break. Remember MEDIA! I use it because hospitals and specialists don't want media coverage so give it a go.

I feel when I am lower than a snake's belly (a bit of a bad day for me today and tonight) that a good sense of humor and poking fun at yourself and making others laugh can be the best medicine. I am better than when Ernie first died, but I am far from over my grieving and I can burst out in tears at the strangest times just as counsellors have said it would happen. I too think meeting together would be great for all of us and of course laughter should be a mix with the tears and heartaches, but it is simply impossible so I am thankful for this forum.

It was just as hard for you with Wade for those 10 months as it was for the long time I had to deal with Ernie's illnesses because it hurts us deep inside when we see them suffering and fearful and we no longer have control to help them. Ernie retreated almost like a hermit and I had to get tough a few times so he would talk about his feelings to me and help him the best I could. The past year was not a good one and difficult on our marriage, but Ernie, of course, was not himself and who could blame him. I guess I wonder if he still loved me in that final year as we were so stressed out and on edge all the time and I wish I had said all the things I wanted to say to him and how enriched my life was being with him. We were both extremely loyal to each other, but 5 years ago I lost Ernie long before he passed away and I know you can understand what I mean.

Humor has always been my protector when I feel like crying and as you already know when we are around our family or friends we put on a brave face and a false smile sometimes because no one wants to hear about how sad we are. My brother is not well and I am always up-beat around him because he is my only sibling and I know he is worried sick about me.

Please keep me informed about your sister Kathleen and tell her to go for it as it sure worked for me (on more than one occasion.) The squeeky wheel always gets the oil.

Big hugs (one for your sister too)

Marcy

Kathleen Franck said:

Marcie I can understand what you are going through with all the waiting and craziness. I think I mentioned to you my sister had a couple of tumors/lesions on her liver discovered a couple of months before my diagnosis. They told her that she had cancer then a couple od weeks later they said OH maybe not. They did a biopsy and it wasn't cancerous. The big thing here is they don't want to do anything about them even though she lives in constant pain and nausea. She is still dealing with them and trying to find a solution.

I hope and pray that your Drs will be able to come to a quick conclusion and you can have this dealt with and your worries set to rest!

Marcie you do seem to be doing well in your outlook, not to say you are not grieving or you are all better. I know better than that. I wish we were all closer too. It would be easier to hash out our concerns....cry together, pray together. See in the flesh that we are not nuts! (I'm sure we would laugh together too)

I pray that you would be able to retreat to the place in your life before Ernie was sick in your dreams. I know that Wade wasn't his self the last couple of months and that's tough that you dealt with Earnie being sick much longer than Wade. Wade had 10 months from his diagnosis.

I can still see your bright humerous self coming out and you are a gem! Thank you for keeping us in the loop....Hugs to you my friend...Kathleen

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Kathleen ... if I have already answered this post please forgive me as I am up to my eyeballs in doctors and also financial issues so I will have some money to hire a gardener and a handyman and I wanted some good advice from a long-time friend who is Ernie's and my CGA and he just phoned and straightened everything out for me.

My wee girl, you don't spend over half your life with your loved one; lose them and then try to get them out of your mind in a year or even two years. I know how you feel as I too feel an anger deep inside because Ernie is gone. Our husbands were our best friends as well and even though Ernie is not here in body I know our mates are here in spirit. Every so often I give myself a good slap on the face and tell myself that Ernie wouldn't like it if I just gave up and retreated from life, but, like you, it's an easy thing to say and difficult to do. Sometimes I feel so lonely I would give up everything I own just to see Ernie and have one of his huge bear hugs, but also realize this is a lesson learned that material things don't matter and I need to stop and smell the flowers. I am surrounded mostly by female family and friends although a couple of my girlfriend's husbands help me out here and there. It is too bad all of us on this forum live so far from each other and it would be fantastic if we lived closer and could meet once a week or even once a month. By being on this forum it too has helped me and I've grown to think of most on here as my extended family. It feels so good not to have to worry about expressing your feelings and being ridiculed for it. I was so lucky to have stumbled on this forum just as you said.

So pick up those bloomers girlie ... shake your head; push your hair down from that standing position; stick two pieces of Kleenex up each nostril and know you are loved by many on here. Even though your pain is difficult you are so awesome to help many on here and I feel honored knowing you.

My lights are on at home, but as they say ... no one is home! Ha, ha. I find it difficult to move around the forum at times as I have so much on my mind. I left Julie my email address so if you want it please feel free.

A huge hug & God bless you

Marcy