Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Liz on January 18, 2015 at 1:58pm

Hi Michelle.
I am almost 34( will be next Sunday. ) Tomorrow(1/19) is the 6 year anniversary of losing my love of my life. He was my soul mate. My other half. My calming factor. My reason for life. He was my everything. We were married for 4.5 years and together a little over 8 years. We spent every waking moment together. So when he was gone, it was like losing a part of myself. The first 4 months were the hardest. I went threw Valentine's day/easter/ and then his birthday. And by May, I made the choice to start living again. I had to. I had 2 kids to live for. The first three months were so hard- it hurt to do everything. It hurt to even breathe. Even 6 years out, it still hurts to breathe sometimes. I miss him more than words can say. But I see him in my kids and the little ways he lets me know he is still near.
You will find a new "you". A new, stronger you. My family tried to be supportive but they just kept telling me to not cry or be strong. None of which helps. You gotta look deep inside yourself and find a strength that you gotta go for the moment. So if that moment means you need to cry- you take that moment and cry. Get it out. Don't hide it. No one will get all the emotions if they haven't gone through it.but just remember they are trying in the only ways they know how.
it will get easier that I promise. Not necessarily less painful. And there is another life out there that you probably didn't imagine or want. ( I have remarried and have another child... He knows how my first husband was my soul mate. And accepts he will never have my whole heart.... But knows I love him with all I have to give of a broken heart. ) please contact me if you need any support.
Elizabeth

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on January 18, 2015 at 2:15pm

Elizabeth, very well said; you are wise way beyond your years. God bless you! Michelle, how are you doing?

Permalink Reply by Michelle on January 19, 2015 at 3:24pm

I am well. I am down to only crying once a week now, which is a huge improvement.

Christmas and New Years Eve were difficult for me (and all of you, I am sure).

The New Year was awkward at first. I didn't know what I should do because I did not feel happy about leaving my sweetheart behind in 2014. :(

but things are okay.

I am finding my way through this thing called life.

Overall, I have to say that I have gotten used to not having him physically with me.

I was having panic attacks when I left the house, even to stand/sit outside for fresh air but now I carry his ashes with me (in a lovely necklace). It cut down my anxiety a lot. I feel like he is with me everywhere I go now.

Dorothy, Janeo, Jan, Liz, everyone...how are you?

Permalink Reply by Michelle on January 19, 2015 at 3:28pm

Liz, that is wonderful that you were able to make room in your heart for another.

I just lost my sweetheart in September 2014. I am making progress though. I can breathe, eat, watch tv and sometimes listen to music now. Plus I am crying way less.

Thank you, sweet Liz, for taking the time to share your story and for giving me hope.

Liz said:

Hi Michelle.
I am almost 34( will be next Sunday. ) Tomorrow(1/19) is the 6 year anniversary of losing my love of my life. He was my soul mate. My other half. My calming factor. My reason for life. He was my everything. We were married for 4.5 years and together a little over 8 years. We spent every waking moment together. So when he was gone, it was like losing a part of myself. The first 4 months were the hardest. I went threw Valentine's day/easter/ and then his birthday. And by May, I made the choice to start living again. I had to. I had 2 kids to live for. The first three months were so hard- it hurt to do everything. It hurt to even breathe. Even 6 years out, it still hurts to breathe sometimes. I miss him more than words can say. But I see him in my kids and the little ways he lets me know he is still near.
You will find a new "you". A new, stronger you. My family tried to be supportive but they just kept telling me to not cry or be strong. None of which helps. You gotta look deep inside yourself and find a strength that you gotta go for the moment. So if that moment means you need to cry- you take that moment and cry. Get it out. Don't hide it. No one will get all the emotions if they haven't gone through it.but just remember they are trying in the only ways they know how.
it will get easier that I promise. Not necessarily less painful. And there is another life out there that you probably didn't imagine or want. ( I have remarried and have another child... He knows how my first husband was my soul mate. And accepts he will never have my whole heart.... But knows I love him with all I have to give of a broken heart. ) please contact me if you need any support.
Elizabeth

Permalink Reply by Kathy Parker on January 19, 2015 at 3:44pm

Michelle said:

I am well. I am down to only crying once a week now, which is a huge improvement.

Christmas and New Years Eve were difficult for me (and all of you, I am sure).

The New Year was awkward at first. I didn't know what I should do because I did not feel happy about leaving my sweetheart behind in 2014. :(

but things are okay.

I am finding my way through this thing called life.

Overall, I have to say that I have gotten used to not having him physically with me.

I was having panic attacks when I left the house, even to stand/sit outside for fresh air but now I carry his ashes with me (in a lovely necklace). It cut down my anxiety a lot. I feel like he is with me everywhere I go now.

Dorothy, Janeo, Jan, Liz, everyone...how are you?

Permalink Reply by Michelle on January 19, 2015 at 4:21pm

Trina, I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our love's around the same time :(

Yeaa, when people have things going well in their life, they can not relate to other people's difficulties/emotions.How are you doing now? I hope that you are finding comfort somehow. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Trina Mamoon said:

Michelle,

Your post is from October, and I am hoping that it's gotten a tiny bit less painful for you since then. My heart goes out to you. You are too young to be widowed! I lost my wonderful husband to lung cancer on August 4, 2014. He was 49 years old. I feel cheated on my husband's behalf and on my own behalf. My husband and I were soul mates and we felt blessed that we shared such a beautiful love and marriage. It was too good to last, and that's why we didn't get to grow old together. So at age 27 for you, I can imagine the sense of devastation you must be experiencing.

I know what you mean about insensitive relatives. My older sister is very giving and helpful, but emotionally she has no clue how much I am suffering. I spent the holidays with her and her family. My sister, brother-in-law and nephews are very kind, but I can't express my true feelings to them. When I tried to tell my sister how devastated I am, she tells me to have patience,and to be grateful for all the good memories. I am very grateful for the 19 happy years that I spent with my loving, gentle, funny, and generous Joseph. But my sister, like so many who haven't been in our shoes, doesn't know how it really feels to be a widow. Life is never the same after your beloved has passed. If I could, I would join my husband now, but it's not in my hands (I can't take my own life). Life has no meaning or value. When I am alone, I cry everyday. The first thought that comes to my mind in the morning is that Joseph is no longer here. To face the day and to make it through the rest of the day is a daily challenge. But my family members really don't have a clue. They think I have "moved on," because I have stopped sharing my innermost feelings with them. It's no use since they don't understand. That's why this forum is a good place to share for people like us.

I wish you peace, Michelle. Hang in there. 

In sympathy and understanding, Trina

Permalink Reply by Torri Kenney on January 23, 2015 at 12:50pm

Michelle, I know this post was awhile ago but I am new on this site.  I just passes the year mark for when my sweetheart passed away.  I remember people telling me that I just looked so sad all the time.  Well what did they expect?  I was very much like you in that I started just staying away from people so that THEY were not uncomfortable.  I didn't know how to deal with my grief let alone help them understand my grief.  This lasted for several months, finally I had some amazing friends come and make me go out.  Just to do small things, like grocery shopping or come to their house for dinner.  I had to make myself go.  But still after a year, and I do have a boyfriend, I still cry on my way home from work or when I know I won't be around anyone and have to explain why.  I have his picture up in my room with a small urn and some sentimental things.  My parents tell me it's time to move on and take those things down.  A lot of people are saying those things.  When I finally admitted publicly, facebook, that I was in a new relationship I was shunned by some people.  Saying that I had moved on too quickly, but those were the same people who had told me that I should move on.  I was moving on, on the outside but not on the inside.  I am with an amazing man who understands that grief is time consuming and that you can't just get over it.  He has been supportive and loving through it all.  I am lucky to have met him.  In finding this group I am finally able to openly talk about how I feel without worrying about other people because you have all been through something similar.  I know the one thing that bothered me the most when Bobby died was people who told me, "I know exactly what you're going through, my partner died, etc."  I felt like no, they didn't know anything because they were not the ones in the relationship, they don't know, and I just wanted them to shut up!  I still feel like that at times.  I wish the best for you and do know that you are not alone and there are so many out there that are willing to just listen.

Permalink Reply by Torri Kenney on January 23, 2015 at 1:00pm

Kathy Parker said:

Michelle said:

I am well. I am down to only crying once a week now, which is a huge improvement.

Christmas and New Years Eve were difficult for me (and all of you, I am sure).

The New Year was awkward at first. I didn't know what I should do because I did not feel happy about leaving my sweetheart behind in 2014. :(

but things are okay.

I am finding my way through this thing called life.

Overall, I have to say that I have gotten used to not having him physically with me.

I was having panic attacks when I left the house, even to stand/sit outside for fresh air but now I carry his ashes with me (in a lovely necklace). It cut down my anxiety a lot. I feel like he is with me everywhere I go now.

Dorothy, Janeo, Jan, Liz, everyone...how are you?

Michelle,

I just read this post and tears are running down my cheeks.  There are the simplest things that make me cry and thinking that yes I left him behind in 2014 is hard to think about, but I am taking him with me into 2015.  I also have a small urn and then a couple of vials of his ashes that I would like to have put into a necklace, they are just very expensive.  I did carry the urn around with me for several months and then I got worried that somehow it would get stolen or something so I started leaving it beside my bed.  Let yourself be sad and grieve but don't feel bad when you have a good day.  I tried for awhile to go for a full day without crying and my therapist said that isn't really a good goal.  So I just let it come when it needed to.  I have been out of therapy for awhile but I think I will go back soon because I am having a difficult time again.  Your posts are helping me, so thank you!

Permalink Reply by Rolland Wood on January 29, 2015 at 9:14pm

Michelle, I hope you're feeling better. I've been a widower since June of 2013...People aren't Purposely trying to be cruel (normally) they're trying to help you with a situation that they have little if any experience in, so they come across as being very blunt. I've found that in my own situation, I know that the sadness is always going to be there in one form or another, so I've learned to work around it, doesn't mean I won't get broadsided with emotions at times, but I've surrendered to it and decided to live on in spite of the adversity. Wishing you peace. Rolland Wood

Permalink Reply by John Rood on February 13, 2015 at 10:20pm

I did and still do avoid people, they mean well, but they have no idea.....and they won't til they're walking in our shoes....I would end up feeling bad for them, because I understand whats happening and they don't understand their ignorance...So I got into avoiding people, only thing wrong with that is It gets mighty lonely

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