Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michelle on November 20, 2014 at 6:40pm

Dorothy, I am so glad that you and I are having some good days again. It gives me hope.

I agree, our wonderful men were definitely on loan. We will always miss them and crave time with them again but maybe that is just the push we need to continue our religious lives. I know that over the years I failed to thank God for my husband and our life. I wandered from the religious pathway but I am back on track. I want to be blessed a 2nd time with my husband's presence.

I will check out the book that you mentioned.

God bless all of you and let Him comfort you ♥

Permalink Reply by Dorothy Facciponte on November 21, 2014 at 2:22pm

I have also been brought closer to God by this experience.  I'd never be able to make it through this without Him!  BTW, I was mistaken with the author's name; it's Joyce Rupp, not Raup.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on November 26, 2014 at 8:59pm

Awwww ♥ that is so wonderful to hear, Dorothy!

Dorothy Facciponte said:

I have also been brought closer to God by this experience.  I'd never be able to make it through this without Him!  BTW, I was mistaken with the author's name; it's Joyce Rupp, not Raup.

Permalink Reply by Vincent planz on December 22, 2014 at 4:18pm

I'm 41 and I lost my wife 10 months ago. I do the same thing as you. Put up the big fake front for everybody. I'm tired of hearing that it gets better with time, it doesn't. I even changed company's at work so I could work with people that don't know about my lose. All this time I thought it was just me that did that.

Permalink Reply by Jane P. on December 22, 2014 at 4:35pm

Vincent, I am so sorry for your loss.  No it does not get easier with time we just seem to adjust.  I am 3 years into the loss of my husband from cancer and I hater every second of being here.  The holidays escalate the situation and the hurt is real, the pain never leaves and getting up is a hard task.  I have now resigned myself into thanking God for what I have rather then dwell on what I have lost.  It helps me make it to another day.  Your feelings are normal, and yes we become very good actors/actresses and wear 2 faces.  The one we show in public and the one with the tears and broken heart.  Just because I seem good on the outside does not make me feel any better on the inside.  Most people do not understand our pain and unless they themselves have lossed a spouse they have no clue what grief is all about nor do they know what we are going through.  Do not let their ignorance get you down.  It truly takes time.  Hugs, jane P.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on December 22, 2014 at 7:07pm

Vincent, I am sorry for your loss. It is easy to withdraw and pretend everything is okay :( I am in that mode still and probably always will be.

I feel so angry when people tell me how I should feel. They do not realize that by telling us to feel a certain way, they are making us feel more alone...and for me, I've grieved more because of it.

I am glad that you changed your work scenery actually, I imagine that helped a lot.

I moved our office out to the living room and rearranged furniture, except in our bedroom. I have not been in that room since I found him there. I just can not open that door (literally and figuratively).

Vincent planz said:

I'm 41 and I lost my wife 10 months ago. I do the same thing as you. Put up the big fake front for everybody. I'm tired of hearing that it gets better with time, it doesn't. I even changed company's at work so I could work with people that don't know about my lose. All this time I thought it was just me that did that.

Permalink Reply by Vincent planz on December 22, 2014 at 7:14pm

Michelle said:

Vincent, I am sorry for your loss. It is easy to withdraw and pretend everything is okay :( I am in that mode still and probably always will be.

I feel so angry when people tell me how I should feel. They do not realize that by telling us to feel a certain way, they are making us feel more alone...and for me, I've grieved more because of it.

I am glad that you changed your work scenery actually, I imagine that helped a lot.

I moved our office out to the living room and rearranged furniture, except in our bedroom. I have not been in that room since I found him there. I just can not open that door (literally and figuratively).

Vincent planz said:

I'm 41 and I lost my wife 10 months ago. I do the same thing as you. Put up the big fake front for everybody. I'm tired of hearing that it gets better with time, it doesn't. I even changed company's at work so I could work with people that don't know about my lose. All this time I thought it was just me that did that.

Permalink Reply by Vincent planz on December 22, 2014 at 7:37pm

Vincent planz said:

Michelle said:

Vincent, I am sorry for your loss. It is easy to withdraw and pretend everything is okay :( I am in that mode still and probably always will be.

I feel so angry when people tell me how I should feel. They do not realize that by telling us to feel a certain way, they are making us feel more alone...and for me, I've grieved more because of it.

I am glad that you changed your work scenery actually, I imagine that helped a lot.

I moved our office out to the living room and rearranged furniture, except in our bedroom. I have not been in that room since I found him there. I just can not open that door (literally and figuratively).

Vincent planz said:

I'm 41 and I lost my wife 10 months ago. I do the same thing as you. Put up the big fake front for everybody. I'm tired of hearing that it gets better with time, it doesn't. I even changed company's at work so I could work with people that don't know about my lose. All this time I thought it was just me that did that.

Permalink Reply by janeo on December 22, 2014 at 9:46pm

Very well said Jane P.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on December 24, 2014 at 10:55am

Michelle,
I am sorry for your loss but I am glad you found us. Here you will find people who are on the same journey you are. I learned early on that people say things like this because they don't really know what to say. There are times when you will have to let the comments roll off like water on a duck.
You will experience a roller coaster ride of emotions as time goes on. Although I have remarried I still will cry at times because I miss Kris. As I was told in my support group what you are doing is right for you. I will also recommend contacting your local hospice about a support person and eventually a group, which they don't suggest until about six months after the passing of your spouse. Just keep in touch with us and we will walk with you.

Permalink Reply by Kathy Parker on December 28, 2014 at 7:36pm

Jan said:

It's been a year for me. I'm in my 40's and my own mother in law said you're still young you can get another husband. That was her son. And I don't want another husband. I want my husband back. I still feel married I still feel like I'm someone's wife. I still put Mrs. When I buy things online. I too have learned to fake a smile. Mostly I just avoid family functions altogether. I don't feel like going to family get togethers. My sisters have husbands and it hurts to see the couples together. I have 2 kids still at home. I wait till they aren't home to cry because I don't want them to worry about me and why I haven't gotten better by now. I go to sleep crying and wake up the same way. For a long time when I would first wake up I would think it was just a horrible dream. For a few seconds I wasn't in reality. Then it would hit me that this really is my life now.

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on January 6, 2015 at 8:57pm

Michelle,

Your post is from October, and I am hoping that it's gotten a tiny bit less painful for you since then. My heart goes out to you. You are too young to be widowed! I lost my wonderful husband to lung cancer on August 4, 2014. He was 49 years old. I feel cheated on my husband's behalf and on my own behalf. My husband and I were soul mates and we felt blessed that we shared such a beautiful love and marriage. It was too good to last, and that's why we didn't get to grow old together. So at age 27 for you, I can imagine the sense of devastation you must be experiencing.

I know what you mean about insensitive relatives. My older sister is very giving and helpful, but emotionally she has no clue how much I am suffering. I spent the holidays with her and her family. My sister, brother-in-law and nephews are very kind, but I can't express my true feelings to them. When I tried to tell my sister how devastated I am, she tells me to have patience,and to be grateful for all the good memories. I am very grateful for the 19 happy years that I spent with my loving, gentle, funny, and generous Joseph. But my sister, like so many who haven't been in our shoes, doesn't know how it really feels to be a widow. Life is never the same after your beloved has passed. If I could, I would join my husband now, but it's not in my hands (I can't take my own life). Life has no meaning or value. When I am alone, I cry everyday. The first thought that comes to my mind in the morning is that Joseph is no longer here. To face the day and to make it through the rest of the day is a daily challenge. But my family members really don't have a clue. They think I have "moved on," because I have stopped sharing my innermost feelings with them. It's no use since they don't understand. That's why this forum is a good place to share for people like us.

I wish you peace, Michelle. Hang in there. 

In sympathy and understanding, Trina

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