Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Hurting on December 8, 2010 at 6:41pm

Barb my husband left on Dec 23, 2009. Today it is 51 weeks. In this time my husband's family has not been around at all. They were with me for the first two weeks and after that they have vanished from our lives. One brother law phones every 6 weeks and leaves message on voice mail. Other one will call in once a while and would leave message to call him if we need anything. If by mistake we do call him nothing happens, does nothing. While my husband was here the younger brother in law used to come every week now nothing. Older one is scared of his wife who doesn't like him meeting his family.

Permalink Reply by Edler Sterling Broussard on December 8, 2010 at 7:03pm

I would tell them the way I felt. This maybe the best time of the year to do so. You need to let Brads' family in on what you're going through and hopefully you'll get a response from them. Hugs, Ed

Permalink Reply by Edler Sterling Broussard on December 8, 2010 at 7:03pm

I would tell them the way I felt. This maybe the best time of the year to do so. You need to let Brads' family in on what you're going through and hopefully you'll get a response from them. Hugs, Ed

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on December 8, 2010 at 7:14pm

I too believe you should let them know how you feel. What can it hurt..If they haven't been in contact already it doesn't change anything but it could make a difference. SOmetimes just writing our feelings period helps so go for it.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on December 8, 2010 at 8:41pm

hi barb, was thinking about you. i agree with what the others have said. i think you should let them know how you feel. it certainly wont hurt anything, since they arent contacting you anyway and it might clear the air and make things better. my husband wasnt very close with his brother who lives in our town and his children live pretty far away. the brother has only contacted me about three times since july but i wasnt shocked. i finally decieded to email my step daughter and she did reply back very promptly. so i figure maybe we can at least email each other now and then, but its very hard because i wasnt very close with my husbands family so why would it be any different with him gone. it does make it hard, because i wish i had more people to talk with about my husband. my thoughts are with you at this time. hope your new job is going good.

Permalink Reply by Ellen Brant on December 8, 2010 at 8:53pm

Barb, I agree with all the other responses. Since you were all so close when Brad was alive, I too feel it would be appropriate not at all rude to explain how you are feeling.I keep you close in prayer. HUGS. Remember, you are not alone. Ellen~

Permalink Reply by bc on December 8, 2010 at 8:58pm

Thanks everyone for the advice, I will try and draft something to write, but I don't know where to start and how far to go. I'm so down right now with the holidays coming and the winter weather, that I can't get outside because I hate the cold and snow, I just don't know what way to turn or what to do. I don't want the depression to come back, I've had a few good weeks, but I can feel it creeping back. I'm so thankful for all of you, you are true friends and I feel like you are my family because you care and understand. If anyone has any ideas how to start my "letter" to the family out, I'm open to suggestions. Love you all, Hugs, Barb

Permalink Reply by Jo on December 9, 2010 at 8:17am

I am going through the same issues with my Husband's family,but although I hate to admit it and think I should be the one to get all the calls and sympathy,they have to grieve,too and may not know what to say to you or how to approach you.A letter might help. I have found that even with the people you expect the most from,sometimes you get the least.I think there is a subtle 'Blame game" going on in families that they may not be aware of.Try to direct your anger into something possitive,and tell them what you'd like to see happen for all of you to continue to have a relationship.People need to be told what YOU need. I was truely shocked at the lack of compassion and the selfishness that continues,but it has only been 3 1/2 months for me.Maybe things will improve,but if not,I can live with it,

Permalink Reply by Christy on December 9, 2010 at 9:47am

Barb, I think Christmas is the right time to send a card along with the short message that you miss hearing from them. Let them know that staying in touch with them helps you feel closer, more connected to Brad. Something along the lines of " I would love to hear from you." Don't lay a guilt trip on them because they will only get defensive & it could make matters worse. I think they may be avoiding you simply because they are afraid of stirring up emotions that are hard to cope with. I am sure that staying in touch could be good for them as well as yourself after the inital outpouring that is sure to come. That's just one perspective. We can see from all the posts however, that our husbands families as well as our own, tend to let us down. It is up to us to extend ourselves to others from now on to become a part of the solution, not a part of the problem. I agree it should be the other way around, but nothing is as it should be anymore! Be thankful that at least they are not seeking to take away from you as my husband's family is doing- they want my house, his truck,... you name it.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on December 9, 2010 at 12:06pm

Barb,

I absolutely love the article you shared "When Our Spouse Dies." Like I stated in an earlier post, I shared it with my Widow Support Group at my workplace and it has/is helping other women like us come to terms with the tragedy they have just experienced. I also sent this to my inlaws! Actually, I refer to them as "outlaws" because they have been less then pleasant to deal with since Douglas died. One sister-in-law called me immediately and was crying. She had "no idea" of what I was actually feeling or going through. Her one comment that sticks in my mind is this: "You and Douglas had such a spiritual connection that I envy because, although I am married, I never have experienced the kind of love with my spouse that you and my brother shared." That statement I will carry with me forever. Someone actually understands the love Douglas and I shared (and still do, on a different level now). Whenever I get confused about the emotions I am experiencing I read this article. It reassures me that I am not crazy and what I am going through is normal for now. I am traveling a path of "new" normal to find some kind of normal -- is that weird or what??? So, I thank you again for sharing this. It is taped to my bathroom mirror, my computer monitor at work, and I carry it in my wallet. I never know when I am going to need that "gentle" reminder that all is "normal" and the urge to bonk the person next to me is most inappropriate! Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. We all deserve that and our loved ones would want us to have that as well.

Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by bc on December 9, 2010 at 8:17pm

Thanks Brigitte, I'm glad I could give you the poem to keep with you. I guess I should send it to my "outlaws". I say that because they were always so wonderful to me and the day of the funeral they didn't speak a word to me and never has since. The day before the funeral they were wonderful, just changed overnight. I don't understand how they can change just like that and turn into such cold, uncaring people. They know how much Brad and I loved each other, they even commented on that so many times when Brad was here. It makes me feel like they were lying the whole 15 years, now the true colors come out. Angry? Yes the anger is out and I just feel like lashing out and letting them know my true feelings but I'm not that kind of person. I guess I'll just keep it inside like I do with all of my other feelings. Thanks everyone, you are my family now and you do understand!

Brigitte said:

Barb,

I absolutely love the article you shared "When Our Spouse Dies." Like I stated in an earlier post, I shared it with my Widow Support Group at my workplace and it has/is helping other women like us come to terms with the tragedy they have just experienced. I also sent this to my inlaws! Actually, I refer to them as "outlaws" because they have been less then pleasant to deal with since Douglas died. One sister-in-law called me immediately and was crying. She had "no idea" of what I was actually feeling or going through. Her one comment that sticks in my mind is this: "You and Douglas had such a spiritual connection that I envy because, although I am married, I never have experienced the kind of love with my spouse that you and my brother shared." That statement I will carry with me forever. Someone actually understands the love Douglas and I shared (and still do, on a different level now). Whenever I get confused about the emotions I am experiencing I read this article. It reassures me that I am not crazy and what I am going through is normal for now. I am traveling a path of "new" normal to find some kind of normal -- is that weird or what??? So, I thank you again for sharing this. It is taped to my bathroom mirror, my computer monitor at work, and I carry it in my wallet. I never know when I am going to need that "gentle" reminder that all is "normal" and the urge to bonk the person next to me is most inappropriate! Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. We all deserve that and our loved ones would want us to have that as well.

Peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Tereca Megee on December 9, 2010 at 8:26pm

I truly do know the felling. Like we lost a whole family, not just our spouses. I have decided to send Christmas cards to them....simple, religious with a little note that I miss them and the opportunity to share our memories. I will get a reaction or not. We cannot control other peoples actions, only our reactions. I will move on and deal with all this. I am never truly alone, as I know God has His arm around me, as does my Donnie watch over me. Hugs & Prayers, So Sorry for your loss.

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