For me tis' better than to have never loved.

Take this for what you all will but with regards to the saying "tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" it is in my opinion a crock, and I'm only speaking for myself. If I could I would erase, delete, brainwash all of the good memories (which was the last 39 years) and breathe until my last breath without the sharp, stabbing, painful, searing memories so that I will not feel, I will not have the aching, unbearable pain of a broken heart that's in a million pieces. I would rather think nothing than have thoughts of sheer torture and see my husband's picture without emotion, thinking, 'gee I wonder who that was' then missing him and wishing he were alive. I don't understand why others don't get what I'm saying. I'll just have to live with my own thoughts knowing that everyone is just in their own world because no one really knows me. I always thought I wouldn't be a good actor at all but I proved myself wrong. No one I know knows what I'm really feeling and thinking. No one can say to me 'time heals' and 'you will feel joy again'. To me this is just what others like to believe FOR THEMSELVES but I know in my heart of hearts the truth which is when my husband was alive, I was happy, and joy-filled and pleasant to be around, and humorous, (once in a while), I had good times, and liked to laugh and talk with him and cook meals so we could both eat at the table together, or watch TV and have ice cream together. Now, I only have temporary moments of joy, but then I remember he is not with me any longer and after almost 8 months I still go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I still feel grateful for all God's Gifts to me but I don't feel as grateful as when Dan was alive, I'm sorry to say. Because he is not with me I have none of these things now, but only act like I do for the sake of the fact I love my family and don't wish to make them as deeply depressed as I am. And yes, I go to a therapist, take medication, take care of myself, go to all of my appointments, go to grief meetings, do my errands, go to get the bare minimum of groceries for myself to eat but I don't even enjoy eating any more because he is not sitting across the table from me. (In fact there are times when I laugh I start to cry at the same time, and wondered if anyone else does that ) Without Dan's companionship, I just wait for God to tell me what He wants me to do. But as far as joy, and living life fully and happiness, I don't understand why even some other widows don't understand me. I don't get that. But, I just needed to say what's been on my mind and at least I have this group to share my darkest moments. Thanks for reading my post. I am feeling different feelings every day and after reading this I think I seem angry so please don't take offense at anything I said as I know most everyone here knows how I feel and I know you feel it too. I just needed to vent and get it out of my system before I explode. Most likely in a few days or in a few years my feelings may change but I know my thoughts won't. Take care and ((Hugs)) to you all.
God bless,
Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Deborah Kelly on September 19, 2010 at 5:40am

Suzanne
I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now. I lost my husband about 6 weeks ago I understand how you are feeling. What I'm starting to see is that people who have lost their spouses and still have children at home hand grief differently. Most of their lives have to go on because they have to take care of the kids so their grief is different. I was with my husband 28 years all of the kid are grown and gone, and it hard to fit into their busy schedules. I have been struggling with some of the same things. Having to adjust to being 1 instead of 2 is not easy, and when there is only 1 left it is really hard. We use to do everything together! We always said that we could get through anything as long as we had each other. I ask my self NOW WHAT? My husband bought me a ring with 3 stones and I use to always say it represents yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Today when i look at the ring I just see yesterday I realize there is no today or tomorrow without him. Besides this I think the hardest thing for me is the being alone. It is the simpliest things - grocery shopping, cooking, eating dinner, going to bed etc. I do understand how you feel you are not alone. I have 3 things that have helped to keep me going:
1) I have a very supportive sister - she has been by my side as much as she possilbly can. If I need someone to stay with my she comes, if I need to talk she is there. (There is no replacment for my husband) but I really don't know what I would do without her. 2) About 2 1/2 yrs ago my mom passed, and my husband was my main support through the whole them. I learned from him how to be strong, and that life has to go on (when I'm having a bad day and it has gone on for a long time I hear him say that's enough pick yourself up and carry on you still have a life to live 3) I believe that my husband may be gone and but that I have a special angle watching over me everyday. Physically it does not help the lonely that I feel everyday but for me there is a claim sense of peace just knowing he is not that far away. I beleive that heaven is not as far away as we all think that it is. I hope this helps! Take Care

Permalink Reply by Virginia on September 19, 2010 at 9:30am

Suzanne Hi, Please don't take this the wrong way but,I am one who doesn't get what your saying and I know you are only speaking for yourself, I know it has only been 8 months since you lost Danny. Now with that being said, I am only speaking for myself, I can't concieve what my life would have been --- without my Mike in it, to me it is inconsivable, all the things we were able to share and the unconditional love we had for each other, and no we did not have a perfect life it was a life with some hardships and trials and tribulations and even a seperation, but I would not have changed one thing about the 32 yrs. we spent together because during these times we grew together, learned together, cried together and lost loved ones together, and yes we were one of those couples who could finish each others sentences, be thinking the same thing at the same time, I can remember the first time we relized we were doing that, it just blew Mike away he laughed so hard, he was surprised and said I think we are truely one, then he would mess with me by just out of the blue ask me to tell him what he was thinking because he thought it was so neat. I can remember everything about our life, good - bad - funny - sad. I am so thankfull to have met this crazy, gooffy man who gave so much meaning to living your life the best you can. So to wish I had never known him is just something I can't wrap my head around, I can't phantom what my life would have been without him in it, so I am and always will be greatfull to have loved and lost him as to never loving him at all. I meen no harm because as you can see I rarely reply to most of the topics in where I go into to much personal depth, but this I had to, because, to not would be doing such a dishonor to my husband and to our life together. Suzane I pray that someday you can get to a point in life where you will chershish your memories of your life with Danny. God Bless and hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 19, 2010 at 11:26am

Hi to all, I just wanted to respond to this topic. I understand what is being said and felt. I truly am going thru the same situations.The ups and downs(mostly downs) and the devistation we have all encountered.
I had over 44 years with LouAnn,love at first sight. She was my everything as I was with her.We had 4 kids,three who were brats.Two of them have never growned up. Three of them,including the two who never grew up,have nothing to do with me since LouAnn died suddenly.Wow,bummer huh? All we can do as parents, is try.So be it.I have no friends except on this site, and LouAnn's family disappeared too.I was a one woman guy all of my life.She was my life,my cook,my lover.my soulmate,my friend,confidant and most of all, MY PAL.We could always finish sentences for the other. We could have the exact thought at the same time.We had many bad times.Me being disabled with 4 kids and two mortgages.We had our share of good times too.It was always, "me and you kid".I went through her having 3 heart attacks and 4 seizures in 13 years,with no medical insurane. I heard her die and saw her dead during a nap.She never regained conscienceness. Miss her, you bet I do.Hate my lonely and empty life, you bet.Hate left holding the bag, you bet.Hate being alive,you bet. But, I'm still here and you know what? She is always on my mind,24/7.Everything I do,everything,I am reminded of her.I cherish every moment that I had with her. Cry ? All the time. Sad? All the time.Hate my life now? All the time.But I will never ,ever, forget her and love her. That was and is my life.Its without her now and it sucks big time.
I am truly grateful that she chose me to be her husband.Wow, it was a great ride for over 44 years. As long as I am here, so is she and her legacy,through me. Thanks LouAnn. Miss you babe !!!!! Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Connie on September 19, 2010 at 1:51pm

Suzanne, Not all relationships are the same. I think that is why some widowswidowers do not feel the feelings that we feel. They may have had good marriages and loved their husband/wife very much but did not have the same closeness and the feeling that they cannot or do not want to be without their spouse. I know that I just wait for the day when I will be reunited with my husband. I don't even bother cooking for myself. I eat frozen pizza or peanut butter/cheese crackers. My fruit intake consists of a package of fruit snacks a day. The problem is that I go to the grocery store and buy food to cook but when I come home I find that I just cannot do it. I don't go out often because it is terrible to come home to an empty house. I hate sleeping in our bed at night because when I open my eyes, he is not there. There was never a night in our 46 year marriage that we did not sleep in the same bed. We did not do anything alone. We spent our lives together as 'one'. It is not possible now for 1/2 of a person to go on with life as though nothing was wrong. As I have said before, my kids and grandkids are great and they try their best to keep me occupied but what I need is my husband and they cannot give me that. The bright spot in my house right now is that I have a 'new' puppy. (For 3 months now) She sits on my lap in the evening and we watch tv together or she "makes" me play with her. This takes my mind off of life for a few minutes. I thank God for my children and my puppy but I still wait for my time to come. This website is such a Godsend because I could not tell my children what I feel and they have questioned me because of some things that I have said on Facebook that worried them. I now post nothing but happy things on Facebook. This is my only little corner of the world where I don't have to pretend to be happy and I don't know what I would do without it. I don't know if my feelings will ever change but I doubt very much that they will. I sit and look at his picture and sometimes hold his picture next to me so that I can have a feeling that he is still with me. Momentarily it helps but I come back to reality and the fact that he is never going to hold me again and that breaks my heart. For me, life is a living hell and there is nothing I can do to change that. I will continue to pray for you.

Permalink Reply by Connie on September 19, 2010 at 1:51pm

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 19, 2010 at 2:22pm

To all who have responded I want to say that I know we all have different perspectives and thus grieve differently. I just wanted to make sure you understand that Danny and I only had each other. If not for him I wouldn't have been the person I am therefore when he passed away, so did my spirit. I died with him and its because we were one and I loved him with my whole heart, soul, body and mind I cannot bear this pain. I just want to be brainwashed so I don't feel his love so much, so that I don't feel because it's never going to go away. That's all I'm saying. I kind of figured some may say that they are glad their loved one was a part of their life for so many years but the memories of him and us are wearing me down. If I didn't say that I would rather have my memories deleted or erased or hey, maybe I'll get Alzheimer's like my mother did, (I said MAYBE) and then I won't feel this stabbing pain in my heart every single day for the rest of my life. I'm against taking my own life because I consider myself a Christian. If I can't be dead, then if I have to live, living without his memory would be preferable because his memories are me and I am his memories. When I try to sleep at night I remember all the little details, sitting in the office waiting to see his Gastroenterologist not knowing he'd be dead in a few short months listening to piped-in music from the 80's. I remember being at the beach and putting lotion on his back and he on mine. Him helping me over the pebbles when going in to the ocean to swim. Him helping me over the icy snow when we were going into get HIS 9-hour surgery on December 21, 2007, remembering his laugh is unbearable because after he had problems and surgery he couldn't laugh anymore. I can't take the memories. I can't control these thoughts. And if I'm hearing others correctly we are supposed to go through our supposed "grief work". What the hell is that. It's torture. Seeing his pictures is breaking my already ripped apart heart. I remember his saying to me when I used the PC "oh, you really are smart," I'm a knumskull compared to these other technical geniuses when it has to do with computer programming and creating software and troubleshooting my own Pc but he thought I was smart. I really do understand what you mean and I agree that if I didn't have Danny my life would be an empty wasteland because he told me himself and he told his sister that I was everything to him and Danny was everything to me, everything. I didn't breath without him which is why I want to be void of thought or dead or mindless because I am nothing without his love. It will always be this way for me and I thought I could but I cannot control my thoughts because if I did, isn't that not going through my grief?? So, I get what you are all saying. I do. And that's why I typed that post. Just to get these thoughts....facts, out into cyberspace, into the minds of others who are caring and understanding and are feeling this pain as well. Tell me this, should we control our thoughts? I just can't hold in the tears. I'll check with you later. But I truly love you all and I still pray for you.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on September 19, 2010 at 4:27pm

Nope,Don't get it And I probably never will!After 44 years of marriage,I can say ,I'm the person I am ,Because of him.If I'm miserable the rest of my life,it will be my own fault!No one else to blame.So any happiness in my life is my own responsibility from this point forward!And that's all I have to say about it!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 19, 2010 at 5:27pm

Dear Kathleen,
I hesitate to ask this but I'm just asking as a reality check on my part. Did I say something to you to offend you or make you angry with me personally? Just wondering.
kathleen caylor said:

Nope,Don't get it And I probably never will!After 44 years of marriage,I can say ,I'm the person I am ,Because of him.If I'm miserable the rest of my life,it will be my own fault!No one else to blame.So any happiness in my life is my own responsibility from this point forward!And that's all I have to say about it!

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on September 19, 2010 at 5:50pm

Offend Me?? No,I'm not offended at all.Just offering a different opinion!I know you loved your husband and trust me,I know your pain.But I'm choosing not to be miserable the rest of my life.Just like you needed to say these things,so did I.And we do have our down time,some more than others.I just wonder What would Dan think?Would he kick you in the butt and say"come on Suzanne!"I know my husband would!I hope you're not offended,either.Great big hugs for you,I hope you find some peace!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 19, 2010 at 5:57pm

Dear Kathleen, You don't know how relieved I am that you said that. I guess it was just me being oversensitive. (You have no idea of what was going on in my head but I guess I'm vulnerable at the moment.) However, I would like to answer a question you raised with another post I had in mind but I'll leave that for another day. I'm going through many emotions right now, as we all are as I know I'm not the only one, we are all in sadness and working it out the only we we know how. I guess we all have our own way of thinking and I thank you for being honest. Take care.
God bless,
Suzanne

kathleen caylor said:

Offend Me?? No,I'm not offended at all.Just offering a different opinion!I know you loved your husband and trust me,I know your pain.But I'm choosing not to be miserable the rest of my life.Just like you needed to say these things,so did I.And we do have our down time,some more than others.I just wonder What would Dan think?Would he kick you in the butt and say"come on Suzanne!"I know my husband would!I hope you're not offended,either.Great big hugs for you,I hope you find some peace!

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on September 19, 2010 at 6:10pm

Suzanne,As you can tell,I'm not the sensitive type.And I can tell you're struggling.I do come across rather harsh at times but that is me.I'm just a realist and not a romantic.My mother is still miserable 5 1/2 years after my dad's death.I Wish she had tried harder but now I know it's too late for her.Please don't let that happen to you!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 19, 2010 at 6:43pm

Kathleen,
So sorry about your Mom and that she is not happy. If you think that I could change, why would it be too late for your Mother, although I know over 5 years is a long time. Hope I didn't get too personal, but I really do see your side and understand your point, I just don't know if or how I can change my feelings or my thoughts. I thought we were supposed to get through our grief by feeling our feelings. Anyway since we all go through this without instructions and everyone is different everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But I'm glad we touched base. You gave me something to ponder over.
Take care,
Suzanne

kathleen caylor said:

Suzanne,As you can tell,I'm not the sensitive type.And I can tell you're struggling.I do come across rather harsh at times but that is me.I'm just a realist and not a romantic.My mother is still miserable 5 1/2 years after my dad's death.I Wish she had tried harder but now I know it's too late for her.Please don't let that happen to you!