For me tis' better than to have never loved.

Take this for what you all will but with regards to the saying "tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" it is in my opinion a crock, and I'm only speaking for myself. If I could I would erase, delete, brainwash all of the good memories (which was the last 39 years) and breathe until my last breath without the sharp, stabbing, painful, searing memories so that I will not feel, I will not have the aching, unbearable pain of a broken heart that's in a million pieces. I would rather think nothing than have thoughts of sheer torture and see my husband's picture without emotion, thinking, 'gee I wonder who that was' then missing him and wishing he were alive. I don't understand why others don't get what I'm saying. I'll just have to live with my own thoughts knowing that everyone is just in their own world because no one really knows me. I always thought I wouldn't be a good actor at all but I proved myself wrong. No one I know knows what I'm really feeling and thinking. No one can say to me 'time heals' and 'you will feel joy again'. To me this is just what others like to believe FOR THEMSELVES but I know in my heart of hearts the truth which is when my husband was alive, I was happy, and joy-filled and pleasant to be around, and humorous, (once in a while), I had good times, and liked to laugh and talk with him and cook meals so we could both eat at the table together, or watch TV and have ice cream together. Now, I only have temporary moments of joy, but then I remember he is not with me any longer and after almost 8 months I still go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I still feel grateful for all God's Gifts to me but I don't feel as grateful as when Dan was alive, I'm sorry to say. Because he is not with me I have none of these things now, but only act like I do for the sake of the fact I love my family and don't wish to make them as deeply depressed as I am. And yes, I go to a therapist, take medication, take care of myself, go to all of my appointments, go to grief meetings, do my errands, go to get the bare minimum of groceries for myself to eat but I don't even enjoy eating any more because he is not sitting across the table from me. (In fact there are times when I laugh I start to cry at the same time, and wondered if anyone else does that ) Without Dan's companionship, I just wait for God to tell me what He wants me to do. But as far as joy, and living life fully and happiness, I don't understand why even some other widows don't understand me. I don't get that. But, I just needed to say what's been on my mind and at least I have this group to share my darkest moments. Thanks for reading my post. I am feeling different feelings every day and after reading this I think I seem angry so please don't take offense at anything I said as I know most everyone here knows how I feel and I know you feel it too. I just needed to vent and get it out of my system before I explode. Most likely in a few days or in a few years my feelings may change but I know my thoughts won't. Take care and ((Hugs)) to you all.
God bless,
Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by Deborah Benoit on September 20, 2010 at 10:43am

I was surprised to read these because I didn't think any one could possibly know how I feel.It has been 1 year and 1 month that i lost my husband of 30 years,my soul mate,my only friend .....I still cry every day,I still sit here all alone waste time watching stupid T.V. and staring at the walls shaking my head no no.I will never feel happiness again.Is it possible that for some of us this really is ALL There IS ?

Permalink Reply by Virginia on September 20, 2010 at 10:57am

Debra, isn't it funny that we think we are the only one feeling these things, thats what is so good about this site wearther you just read or you share, it's nice to know we are not the only ones going thru these feelings. I'm with you in everything you said and yes for some if not most of us this is all there is.

Deborah Benoit said:

I was surprised to read these because I didn't think any one could possibly know how I feel.It has been 1 year and 1 month that i lost my husband of 30 years,my soul mate,my only friend .....I still cry every day,I still sit here all alone waste time watching stupid T.V. and staring at the walls shaking my head no no.I will never feel happiness again.Is it possible that for some of us this really is ALL There IS ?

Permalink Reply by Deborah Benoit on September 20, 2010 at 11:28am

How did you lose your husband ?

Virginia said:

Debra, isn't it funny that we think we are the only one feeling these things, thats what is so good about this site wearther you just read or you share, it's nice to know we are not the only ones going thru these feelings. I'm with you in everything you said and yes for some if not most of us this is all there is.

Deborah Benoit said:
I was surprised to read these because I didn't think any one could possibly know how I feel.It has been 1 year and 1 month that i lost my husband of 30 years,my soul mate,my only friend .....I still cry every day,I still sit here all alone waste time watching stupid T.V. and staring at the walls shaking my head no no.I will never feel happiness again.Is it possible that for some of us this really is ALL There IS ?

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on September 20, 2010 at 11:39am

Hi Deborah, so sorry for your loss. You are not the only one with those feelings and questions. Yes, we all share with you the devistation of it all.Its been over 17 months for me losing my wife suddenly after 44 years of marriage. I wish that I could tell you it will get better but I cant. For some maybe. Not me though. All I can tell you is...hang in there. Remember only you will know what is right and what to decide and when. As we say, there is no instructions or rules.We are all here for you. Hugs to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 20, 2010 at 12:13pm

Hi Deborah B.,
I'm not sure if you were asking me or Virginia but my husband passed away from complications of esophageal cancer. The nightmare started on December 21, 2007 when he went into have what turned out to be a 9 hour surgery to remove a tiny growth of cancer from inside his mouth which is kind of a long and gory explanation but when they removed muscle and skin grafts from his arm and thigh and had a 12 inch vein from his arm removed to reconstruct inside of his mouth and put in a flap(which he hated) and when they did that they took a biopsy inside his esophagus and discovered he had esophageal cancer he went to post op rehab and had a nasal feeding tube for about 2 weeks. He came home and had visiting nurses which was a circus but something to talk about at night. Months later he had one chemo and 28 radiation treatments which got rid of the cancer but the treatments made his esophagus keep closing up for which he had to get his esophagus stretched every 2 months so he could eat. Other things happened to him that would make this much longer so I won't get into it. He was looking so much better, couldn't tell the scar was on his face, his wound on his arm healed leaving a scar but muscle was missing. Then in 09' after we went to my mother's funeral in March where everyone thought he was looking very well and doing great he got a painful muscle spasm, had shingles, the worst of everything he had a needle biopsy on his neck and yep, the cancer returned and attacked his brachial plexus which rendered his right arm useless and in much pain. He had 11 more treatments and on Dec. 18th, 09 the doctor said the treatments didn't get the cancer, he didn't know where it would go next, and didn't know how long he had left to live. We walked out, waited for our ride and 35 days later he passed away when Hospice was involved and he saw our 7 day out baby granddaughter (we have 4 grandsons + 2 step grandsons) for the first and last time. He was 61. I know it was somewhat naive of me but the entire 3 years I always thought he would get treated, or healed, or cured, or have a miracle at one of the healing services where he got prayed over once a month for 9 months. I honest-to-God never believed in a million years that he would actually die when we could have had another 30 years together watching our children and grandchildren celebrate life. Now I truly feel because he passed, my soul passed with him. All our family have understandingly gone on with their lives and our 2 adult sons grieve in their own way, but I wouldn't want them to read what my deepest, darkest feelings and thoughts are. I've ventured out on other kinds of sites to seek advice but have found the outside world to be insensitive, cruel, heartless and cold SOB's but on this and other grief sites, most people feel the same as me so I come here for solace and relief of my deep-seated sad and empty days and go to grief and Widow meetings and a counselor but on these grief sites even the ones who don't agree with what I say are the most understanding, compassionate, kind and caring human beings and the reason for that is they know the feeling of sorrow and emotional pain, even though we all have different opinions, but, I feel grateful for the love I feel here. I get up every day and do what I have to do and wait for God to let His will be known to me and to call me Home. What was the question? Oh yea, how did my husband pass away. I do have a tendency to go on and on but I've been told you can do that here if you want so I am glad to talk about whatever I need to in order to get through another day. I hurt but it does help to share.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care.
God bless,
Suzanne
Deborah Benoit said:

How did you lose your husband ?

Virginia said:
Debra, isn't it funny that we think we are the only one feeling these things, thats what is so good about this site wearther you just read or you share, it's nice to know we are not the only ones going thru these feelings. I'm with you in everything you said and yes for some if not most of us this is all there is.

Deborah Benoit said:
I was surprised to read these because I didn't think any one could possibly know how I feel.It has been 1 year and 1 month that i lost my husband of 30 years,my soul mate,my only friend .....I still cry every day,I still sit here all alone waste time watching stupid T.V. and staring at the walls shaking my head no no.I will never feel happiness again.Is it possible that for some of us this really is ALL There IS ?

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 20, 2010 at 2:58pm

Dear Nancy,
This is not my choice, but thanks for your reply. I guess no one understands my pain like I thought they did.
God bless,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:

Suzanne,

I guess I am one of those Widows that don't get what you are saying. I lost of the love of my life five months ago, still have horrible meltdowns, last Thursday was right up there with the day he died. But never would I ever want the memories of our life together go away because it was so painful. Those memories, however how painful, are all I have of him, and all I have to hold and cherish the rest of my days on earth. I would never wanted to "miss the dance" in order to miss the pain. Everyone on this site loved and cherished their husbands/wives, or they wouldn't be on the site trying to get some comfort, but what I am seeing are some who "give up" on life and negatively project a future of emptiness and unhappiness, and then there are those, who realize that death is a natural part of life, and the grieving process will get better in time, and look at the future of their life without their love, in a positive way. I guess its like anything else in life, there are those who choose to be defeated, and those who succeed beyond mounds of obstacles and disabilities in life. If you believe in something you can make it come to past. I choose to believe my husband is in heaven, having a grand old time with his Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother, and is looking down on me and hoping I am making it on my own. So I will get up every morning and thank God for giving me another day of life, and know that soon, I will be with my love again in heaven. Until then, I choose life, and plan to live it to the fullest, and leave plenty of time aside to deal with the meltdowns, as I know they will surely be there.
God Bless you and I hope you find peace on the road ahead.

Nancy

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 20, 2010 at 5:34pm

Dear Nancy,
All I was trying to say was how much pain I am in. Of course I wouldn't really want to erase my memories of my husband. I loved him so much and now that he is gone forever I was trying to describe my state of mind and that my soul is in so much torment to the core of my being. Because we all have different views I guess I should have known it would have been misinterpreted (and understandingly so). Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Sometimes I wonder if people would rather have me tell big fat lies about how I'm doing better and everything is rosy and my husband is not in pain any more and I'll love him from afar rather than being unable to love him in the here and now and that I feel so much joy and happiness but my husband is gone forever and because of my Catholic upbringing (hope this doesn't offend) but I have been taught to believe that there is no marriage in heaven, so since he and I won't be united although we may see each other, I don't know that for sure as I haven't passed away yet. But I honestly feel God's plan for me is to do something else now and since I'm only human, I am hurting so bad I was trying to express how I feel. I guess I'm no kahlil Gibran so I will just try to be straight up from now on and leave the expression of poetic license to the professionals. Peace and hugs,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:

Suzanne,

I understand your pain, I just don't understand that you would want all the memories and your life you had with your husband to go away like it never happened, so you wouldn't be in pain now. Trust me, I do understand the pain and emotional state your in, because I have moments of depression too. I just would never want to miss a moment or memory I had with my husband. My Mother too had Alzhiemers, and that is my biggest fear, that I will get it too and forget all of my memories, not just with my husband, but also my kids. I know you are grieving, as we all are, I just wish you could find some peace, and see there are goods things in your life too and give thanks for them, thats all. I pray for everyone on this site and that includes you....take care

Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
This is not my choice, but thanks for your reply. I guess no one understands my pain like I thought they did.
God bless,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I guess I am one of those Widows that don't get what you are saying. I lost of the love of my life five months ago, still have horrible meltdowns, last Thursday was right up there with the day he died. But never would I ever want the memories of our life together go away because it was so painful. Those memories, however how painful, are all I have of him, and all I have to hold and cherish the rest of my days on earth. I would never wanted to "miss the dance" in order to miss the pain. Everyone on this site loved and cherished their husbands/wives, or they wouldn't be on the site trying to get some comfort, but what I am seeing are some who "give up" on life and negatively project a future of emptiness and unhappiness, and then there are those, who realize that death is a natural part of life, and the grieving process will get better in time, and look at the future of their life without their love, in a positive way. I guess its like anything else in life, there are those who choose to be defeated, and those who succeed beyond mounds of obstacles and disabilities in life. If you believe in something you can make it come to past. I choose to believe my husband is in heaven, having a grand old time with his Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother, and is looking down on me and hoping I am making it on my own. So I will get up every morning and thank God for giving me another day of life, and know that soon, I will be with my love again in heaven. Until then, I choose life, and plan to live it to the fullest, and leave plenty of time aside to deal with the meltdowns, as I know they will surely be there.
God Bless you and I hope you find peace on the road ahead.

Nancy

Permalink Reply by Deborah Benoit on September 20, 2010 at 6:00pm

WOW !!! where do I begin ....Virginia I got it the 1st time sweetie...I also In no way wish in any shape or form that I could forget one single second of the glorious 30 years my man and I shared together.So many beautiful memories.It was love at first sight that's a moment I'll never forget,the birth of our children and then becoming proud grand parents,that brought out a side to my love no one expected but we all cherish now.I understand the horrible pain you are all feeling.And I am sure neither Virginia or I really meant it literally but were trying to express some thing that is hard to put into words.MY husband and I were just out for a motorcycle ride on a beautiful summer day ,we were at a complete stop waiting to turn into a rest area to stretch out our legs when some one hit us from behind.It is so hard to be a "survivor" of such a tragic "accident" .The person responsible for my husband's death has been charged with a crime,we are yet to go to trial. Still have that all ahead of me....I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to get threw that....

Suzanne said:

Dear Nancy,
All I was trying to say was how much pain I am in. Of course I wouldn't really want to erase my memories of my husband. I loved him so much and now that he is gone forever I was trying to describe my state of mind and that my soul is in so much torment to the core of my being. Because we all have different views I guess I should have known it would have been misinterpreted (and understandingly so). Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Sometimes I wonder if people would rather have me tell big fat lies about how I'm doing better and everything is rosy and my husband is not in pain any more and I'll love him from afar rather than being unable to love him in the here and now and that I feel so much joy and happiness but my husband is gone forever and because of my Catholic upbringing (hope this doesn't offend) but I have been taught to believe that there is no marriage in heaven, so since he and I won't be united although we may see each other, I don't know that for sure as I haven't passed away yet. But I honestly feel God's plan for me is to do something else now and since I'm only human, I am hurting so bad I was trying to express how I feel. I guess I'm no kahlil Gibran so I will just try to be straight up from now on and leave the expression of poetic license to the professionals. Peace and hugs,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I understand your pain, I just don't understand that you would want all the memories and your life you had with your husband to go away like it never happened, so you wouldn't be in pain now. Trust me, I do understand the pain and emotional state your in, because I have moments of depression too. I just would never want to miss a moment or memory I had with my husband. My Mother too had Alzhiemers, and that is my biggest fear, that I will get it too and forget all of my memories, not just with my husband, but also my kids. I know you are grieving, as we all are, I just wish you could find some peace, and see there are goods things in your life too and give thanks for them, thats all. I pray for everyone on this site and that includes you....take care

Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
This is not my choice, but thanks for your reply. I guess no one understands my pain like I thought they did.
God bless,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I guess I am one of those Widows that don't get what you are saying. I lost of the love of my life five months ago, still have horrible meltdowns, last Thursday was right up there with the day he died. But never would I ever want the memories of our life together go away because it was so painful. Those memories, however how painful, are all I have of him, and all I have to hold and cherish the rest of my days on earth. I would never wanted to "miss the dance" in order to miss the pain. Everyone on this site loved and cherished their husbands/wives, or they wouldn't be on the site trying to get some comfort, but what I am seeing are some who "give up" on life and negatively project a future of emptiness and unhappiness, and then there are those, who realize that death is a natural part of life, and the grieving process will get better in time, and look at the future of their life without their love, in a positive way. I guess its like anything else in life, there are those who choose to be defeated, and those who succeed beyond mounds of obstacles and disabilities in life. If you believe in something you can make it come to past. I choose to believe my husband is in heaven, having a grand old time with his Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother, and is looking down on me and hoping I am making it on my own. So I will get up every morning and thank God for giving me another day of life, and know that soon, I will be with my love again in heaven. Until then, I choose life, and plan to live it to the fullest, and leave plenty of time aside to deal with the meltdowns, as I know they will surely be there.
God Bless you and I hope you find peace on the road ahead.

Nancy

Permalink Reply by Deborah Benoit on September 20, 2010 at 6:02pm

Deborah Benoit said:

WOW !!! where do I begin ....Suzanne I got it the 1st time sweetie...I also In no way wish in any shape or form that I could forget one single second of the glorious 30 years my man and I shared together.So many beautiful memories.It was love at first sight that's a moment I'll never forget,the birth of our children and then becoming proud grand parents,that brought out a side of my husband no one expected but we all cherish now.I understand the horrible pain you are all feeling.And I am sure neither Virginia or I really meant it literally but were trying to express some thing that is hard to put into words.MY husband and I were just out for a motorcycle ride on a beautiful summer day ,we were at a complete stop waiting to turn into a rest area to stretch out our legs when some one hit us from behind.It is so hard to be a "survivor" of such a tragic "accident" .The person responsible for my husband's death has been charged with a crime,we are yet to go to trial. Still have that all ahead of me....I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to get threw that.... Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
All I was trying to say was how much pain I am in. Of course I wouldn't really want to erase my memories of my husband. I loved him so much and now that he is gone forever I was trying to describe my state of mind and that my soul is in so much torment to the core of my being. Because we all have different views I guess I should have known it would have been misinterpreted (and understandingly so). Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Sometimes I wonder if people would rather have me tell big fat lies about how I'm doing better and everything is rosy and my husband is not in pain any more and I'll love him from afar rather than being unable to love him in the here and now and that I feel so much joy and happiness but my husband is gone forever and because of my Catholic upbringing (hope this doesn't offend) but I have been taught to believe that there is no marriage in heaven, so since he and I won't be united although we may see each other, I don't know that for sure as I haven't passed away yet. But I honestly feel God's plan for me is to do something else now and since I'm only human, I am hurting so bad I was trying to express how I feel. I guess I'm no kahlil Gibran so I will just try to be straight up from now on and leave the expression of poetic license to the professionals. Peace and hugs,
Suzanne Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I understand your pain, I just don't understand that you would want all the memories and your life you had with your husband to go away like it never happened, so you wouldn't be in pain now. Trust me, I do understand the pain and emotional state your in, because I have moments of depression too. I just would never want to miss a moment or memory I had with my husband. My Mother too had Alzhiemers, and that is my biggest fear, that I will get it too and forget all of my memories, not just with my husband, but also my kids. I know you are grieving, as we all are, I just wish you could find some peace, and see there are goods things in your life too and give thanks for them, thats all. I pray for everyone on this site and that includes you....take care

Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
This is not my choice, but thanks for your reply. I guess no one understands my pain like I thought they did.
God bless,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I guess I am one of those Widows that don't get what you are saying. I lost of the love of my life five months ago, still have horrible meltdowns, last Thursday was right up there with the day he died. But never would I ever want the memories of our life together go away because it was so painful. Those memories, however how painful, are all I have of him, and all I have to hold and cherish the rest of my days on earth. I would never wanted to "miss the dance" in order to miss the pain. Everyone on this site loved and cherished their husbands/wives, or they wouldn't be on the site trying to get some comfort, but what I am seeing are some who "give up" on life and negatively project a future of emptiness and unhappiness, and then there are those, who realize that death is a natural part of life, and the grieving process will get better in time, and look at the future of their life without their love, in a positive way. I guess its like anything else in life, there are those who choose to be defeated, and those who succeed beyond mounds of obstacles and disabilities in life. If you believe in something you can make it come to past. I choose to believe my husband is in heaven, having a grand old time with his Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother, and is looking down on me and hoping I am making it on my own. So I will get up every morning and thank God for giving me another day of life, and know that soon, I will be with my love again in heaven. Until then, I choose life, and plan to live it to the fullest, and leave plenty of time aside to deal with the meltdowns, as I know they will surely be there.
God Bless you and I hope you find peace on the road ahead.

Nancy

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on September 20, 2010 at 6:13pm

Dear Deborah B.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be so so difficult to have to go through this grief so suddenly, so unexpectedly. My heart goes out to you. Every single one of us have our individual beginnings here and although various in the way it happened, pain is pain. You are in my prayers.
Suzanne

Deborah Benoit said:

WOW !!! where do I begin ....Virginia I got it the 1st time sweetie...I also In no way wish in any shape or form that I could forget one single second of the glorious 30 years my man and I shared together.So many beautiful memories.It was love at first sight that's a moment I'll never forget,the birth of our children and then becoming proud grand parents,that brought out a side to my love no one expected but we all cherish now.I understand the horrible pain you are all feeling.And I am sure neither Virginia or I really meant it literally but were trying to express some thing that is hard to put into words.MY husband and I were just out for a motorcycle ride on a beautiful summer day ,we were at a complete stop waiting to turn into a rest area to stretch out our legs when some one hit us from behind.It is so hard to be a "survivor" of such a tragic "accident" .The person responsible for my husband's death has been charged with a crime,we are yet to go to trial. Still have that all ahead of me....I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to get threw that....

Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
All I was trying to say was how much pain I am in. Of course I wouldn't really want to erase my memories of my husband. I loved him so much and now that he is gone forever I was trying to describe my state of mind and that my soul is in so much torment to the core of my being. Because we all have different views I guess I should have known it would have been misinterpreted (and understandingly so). Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Sometimes I wonder if people would rather have me tell big fat lies about how I'm doing better and everything is rosy and my husband is not in pain any more and I'll love him from afar rather than being unable to love him in the here and now and that I feel so much joy and happiness but my husband is gone forever and because of my Catholic upbringing (hope this doesn't offend) but I have been taught to believe that there is no marriage in heaven, so since he and I won't be united although we may see each other, I don't know that for sure as I haven't passed away yet. But I honestly feel God's plan for me is to do something else now and since I'm only human, I am hurting so bad I was trying to express how I feel. I guess I'm no kahlil Gibran so I will just try to be straight up from now on and leave the expression of poetic license to the professionals. Peace and hugs,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I understand your pain, I just don't understand that you would want all the memories and your life you had with your husband to go away like it never happened, so you wouldn't be in pain now. Trust me, I do understand the pain and emotional state your in, because I have moments of depression too. I just would never want to miss a moment or memory I had with my husband. My Mother too had Alzhiemers, and that is my biggest fear, that I will get it too and forget all of my memories, not just with my husband, but also my kids. I know you are grieving, as we all are, I just wish you could find some peace, and see there are goods things in your life too and give thanks for them, thats all. I pray for everyone on this site and that includes you....take care

Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
This is not my choice, but thanks for your reply. I guess no one understands my pain like I thought they did.
God bless,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I guess I am one of those Widows that don't get what you are saying. I lost of the love of my life five months ago, still have horrible meltdowns, last Thursday was right up there with the day he died. But never would I ever want the memories of our life together go away because it was so painful. Those memories, however how painful, are all I have of him, and all I have to hold and cherish the rest of my days on earth. I would never wanted to "miss the dance" in order to miss the pain. Everyone on this site loved and cherished their husbands/wives, or they wouldn't be on the site trying to get some comfort, but what I am seeing are some who "give up" on life and negatively project a future of emptiness and unhappiness, and then there are those, who realize that death is a natural part of life, and the grieving process will get better in time, and look at the future of their life without their love, in a positive way. I guess its like anything else in life, there are those who choose to be defeated, and those who succeed beyond mounds of obstacles and disabilities in life. If you believe in something you can make it come to past. I choose to believe my husband is in heaven, having a grand old time with his Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother, and is looking down on me and hoping I am making it on my own. So I will get up every morning and thank God for giving me another day of life, and know that soon, I will be with my love again in heaven. Until then, I choose life, and plan to live it to the fullest, and leave plenty of time aside to deal with the meltdowns, as I know they will surely be there.
God Bless you and I hope you find peace on the road ahead.

Nancy

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on September 20, 2010 at 7:04pm

Suzanne,

I guess that is the problem with e-mail. Many of us interpreted what you said differently than what you meant it. I am so sorry you are hurting so much, and no I would not want you to tell big fat lies and say rosey things if that isn't what you were really feeling. Afterall, this is where we vent, and like Kathy said, we all have to express our opinions and vent too.
I too was raised Catholic, so no offense, but I wasn't taught that we would not join our love ones in heaven. I think it will be different than our relationships we had with them when they were on earth. Until we get there, we won't know, but if I could just see his face again, or hug him, or communicate with him, that would be enough for me. It's the pain of thinking I will never see him again that hurts me.
I only wish you peace, I have many moments of pain too, so I understand what your feeling.
God bless you too,
Nancy

Suzanne said:

Dear Deborah B.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be so so difficult to have to go through this grief so suddenly, so unexpectedly. My heart goes out to you. Every single one of us have our individual beginnings here and although various in the way it happened, pain is pain. You are in my prayers.
Suzanne

Deborah Benoit said:
WOW !!! where do I begin ....Virginia I got it the 1st time sweetie...I also In no way wish in any shape or form that I could forget one single second of the glorious 30 years my man and I shared together.So many beautiful memories.It was love at first sight that's a moment I'll never forget,the birth of our children and then becoming proud grand parents,that brought out a side to my love no one expected but we all cherish now.I understand the horrible pain you are all feeling.And I am sure neither Virginia or I really meant it literally but were trying to express some thing that is hard to put into words.MY husband and I were just out for a motorcycle ride on a beautiful summer day ,we were at a complete stop waiting to turn into a rest area to stretch out our legs when some one hit us from behind.It is so hard to be a "survivor" of such a tragic "accident" .The person responsible for my husband's death has been charged with a crime,we are yet to go to trial. Still have that all ahead of me....I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to get threw that....

Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
All I was trying to say was how much pain I am in. Of course I wouldn't really want to erase my memories of my husband. I loved him so much and now that he is gone forever I was trying to describe my state of mind and that my soul is in so much torment to the core of my being. Because we all have different views I guess I should have known it would have been misinterpreted (and understandingly so). Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. Sometimes I wonder if people would rather have me tell big fat lies about how I'm doing better and everything is rosy and my husband is not in pain any more and I'll love him from afar rather than being unable to love him in the here and now and that I feel so much joy and happiness but my husband is gone forever and because of my Catholic upbringing (hope this doesn't offend) but I have been taught to believe that there is no marriage in heaven, so since he and I won't be united although we may see each other, I don't know that for sure as I haven't passed away yet. But I honestly feel God's plan for me is to do something else now and since I'm only human, I am hurting so bad I was trying to express how I feel. I guess I'm no kahlil Gibran so I will just try to be straight up from now on and leave the expression of poetic license to the professionals. Peace and hugs,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I understand your pain, I just don't understand that you would want all the memories and your life you had with your husband to go away like it never happened, so you wouldn't be in pain now. Trust me, I do understand the pain and emotional state your in, because I have moments of depression too. I just would never want to miss a moment or memory I had with my husband. My Mother too had Alzhiemers, and that is my biggest fear, that I will get it too and forget all of my memories, not just with my husband, but also my kids. I know you are grieving, as we all are, I just wish you could find some peace, and see there are goods things in your life too and give thanks for them, thats all. I pray for everyone on this site and that includes you....take care

Suzanne said:
Dear Nancy,
This is not my choice, but thanks for your reply. I guess no one understands my pain like I thought they did.
God bless,
Suzanne

Nancy Satterthwaite said:
Suzanne,

I guess I am one of those Widows that don't get what you are saying. I lost of the love of my life five months ago, still have horrible meltdowns, last Thursday was right up there with the day he died. But never would I ever want the memories of our life together go away because it was so painful. Those memories, however how painful, are all I have of him, and all I have to hold and cherish the rest of my days on earth. I would never wanted to "miss the dance" in order to miss the pain. Everyone on this site loved and cherished their husbands/wives, or they wouldn't be on the site trying to get some comfort, but what I am seeing are some who "give up" on life and negatively project a future of emptiness and unhappiness, and then there are those, who realize that death is a natural part of life, and the grieving process will get better in time, and look at the future of their life without their love, in a positive way. I guess its like anything else in life, there are those who choose to be defeated, and those who succeed beyond mounds of obstacles and disabilities in life. If you believe in something you can make it come to past. I choose to believe my husband is in heaven, having a grand old time with his Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother, and is looking down on me and hoping I am making it on my own. So I will get up every morning and thank God for giving me another day of life, and know that soon, I will be with my love again in heaven. Until then, I choose life, and plan to live it to the fullest, and leave plenty of time aside to deal with the meltdowns, as I know they will surely be there.
God Bless you and I hope you find peace on the road ahead.

Nancy

Permalink Reply by Virginia on September 20, 2010 at 7:14pm

i know all this double and triple post are confusing me lol, and debbie what did i miss ??? you said to me you got it the first time ?? i think i've been on the computer to much today god bless