For me tis' better than to have never loved.

Take this for what you all will but with regards to the saying "tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" it is in my opinion a crock, and I'm only speaking for myself. If I could I would erase, delete, brainwash all of the good memories (which was the last 39 years) and breathe until my last breath without the sharp, stabbing, painful, searing memories so that I will not feel, I will not have the aching, unbearable pain of a broken heart that's in a million pieces. I would rather think nothing than have thoughts of sheer torture and see my husband's picture without emotion, thinking, 'gee I wonder who that was' then missing him and wishing he were alive. I don't understand why others don't get what I'm saying. I'll just have to live with my own thoughts knowing that everyone is just in their own world because no one really knows me. I always thought I wouldn't be a good actor at all but I proved myself wrong. No one I know knows what I'm really feeling and thinking. No one can say to me 'time heals' and 'you will feel joy again'. To me this is just what others like to believe FOR THEMSELVES but I know in my heart of hearts the truth which is when my husband was alive, I was happy, and joy-filled and pleasant to be around, and humorous, (once in a while), I had good times, and liked to laugh and talk with him and cook meals so we could both eat at the table together, or watch TV and have ice cream together. Now, I only have temporary moments of joy, but then I remember he is not with me any longer and after almost 8 months I still go to bed alone and I wake up alone. I still feel grateful for all God's Gifts to me but I don't feel as grateful as when Dan was alive, I'm sorry to say. Because he is not with me I have none of these things now, but only act like I do for the sake of the fact I love my family and don't wish to make them as deeply depressed as I am. And yes, I go to a therapist, take medication, take care of myself, go to all of my appointments, go to grief meetings, do my errands, go to get the bare minimum of groceries for myself to eat but I don't even enjoy eating any more because he is not sitting across the table from me. (In fact there are times when I laugh I start to cry at the same time, and wondered if anyone else does that ) Without Dan's companionship, I just wait for God to tell me what He wants me to do. But as far as joy, and living life fully and happiness, I don't understand why even some other widows don't understand me. I don't get that. But, I just needed to say what's been on my mind and at least I have this group to share my darkest moments. Thanks for reading my post. I am feeling different feelings every day and after reading this I think I seem angry so please don't take offense at anything I said as I know most everyone here knows how I feel and I know you feel it too. I just needed to vent and get it out of my system before I explode. Most likely in a few days or in a few years my feelings may change but I know my thoughts won't. Take care and ((Hugs)) to you all.
God bless,
Suzanne

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Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on September 21, 2010 at 10:09pm

suzanne, i am sorry that it seemed like alot of people didnt really understand what you were trying to say. i understood it completely but i am not one of the more positive on this site. i really admire you because you do say what you feel even if it doesnt come out exactly like you ment it too. we need to be able to say how we feel especially if we dont have anyone else that we have to vent too. just keep posting because some of us, like myself, do understand just exactly how you feel and are able to relate.my GOD BLESS YOU.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on September 22, 2010 at 7:33am

Suzanne,

I think I understand what you are saying. There have been times when I have thought what if...what if I never let Tom in, what if I never let him get close to me...what if we never got together? I would not be feeling this pain and ache that just never ends. Maybe that would have been easier.

BUT...then I think of all the things I would have missed out on had Tom not been a part of my life. I wouldn't be the person I am, my children wouldn't be who they are, who knows where I would have ended up. As much as I hate this pain (and wish I could have changed things so that I never had to deal with this) I am grateful for my time with Tom. It's because of him that I had a fairytale life. So many of my friends would comment that they wished they had the relationship we did. My kids had great relationship role models. They were pretty proud to be able to say their parents were still together and going strong when so many of their friend's parents were not. I have always said maybe you are only allowed so much happiness in one lifetime and we used all of ours up too soon. I know none of this makes any sense and this new life SUCKS (I have always hated that word and never used it before this...now it's the perfect word to decribe this loss).

As much as I hate this new life I'm living, I wouldn't give up one minute of our time together. I am doing all I can to move forward (not move on) and do the things Tom would expect me to do to keep progressing in life. If I could (and no one would notice) I would curl up and never face the world again, but that is not acceptable to anyone else. So, I paste on that smile the world expects to see. I give them the answer they want to hear when they ask how I am doing and I just keep getting up every morning. I am taking classes online to get a degree so that I can get a job and be able to take care of myself when my son goes off to college. I do eveything I do these days to honor Tom. I want nothing more than to make him proud. That is my one goal in life right now...to honor Tom in everything I do.

I can't imagine ever feeling the happiness I once knew and that's okay. I have learned to fake it well enough. I hurt inside all the time, but I am progressing. I do what I have to do to make it through. I've decided, too, that my children (ages 26, 24, 15) need to see that mom is okay. They do not need to worry about me on top of dealing with their own grief. They know I'm sad and they see me cry, but they see me doing what needs to be done. I am hoping that they can move forward to find the happiness that their Dad and I shared...they deserve that kind of love.

I hope you are able to find peace and comfort, no matter how small to help you through the day. You will always have Dan by your side...he will always be a part of you.

Sending ((Hugs)) your way.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Satterthwaite on September 22, 2010 at 1:31pm

Beautifully said Marlena!

Marlena said:

Suzanne,

I think I understand what you are saying. There have been times when I have thought what if...what if I never let Tom in, what if I never let him get close to me...what if we never got together? I would not be feeling this pain and ache that just never ends. Maybe that would have been easier.

BUT...then I think of all the things I would have missed out on had Tom not been a part of my life. I wouldn't be the person I am, my children wouldn't be who they are, who knows where I would have ended up. As much as I hate this pain (and wish I could have changed things so that I never had to deal with this) I am grateful for my time with Tom. It's because of him that I had a fairytale life. So many of my friends would comment that they wished they had the relationship we did. My kids had great relationship role models. They were pretty proud to be able to say their parents were still together and going strong when so many of their friend's parents were not. I have always said maybe you are only allowed so much happiness in one lifetime and we used all of ours up too soon. I know none of this makes any sense and this new life SUCKS (I have always hated that word and never used it before this...now it's the perfect word to decribe this loss).

As much as I hate this new life I'm living, I wouldn't give up one minute of our time together. I am doing all I can to move forward (not move on) and do the things Tom would expect me to do to keep progressing in life. If I could (and no one would notice) I would curl up and never face the world again, but that is not acceptable to anyone else. So, I paste on that smile the world expects to see. I give them the answer they want to hear when they ask how I am doing and I just keep getting up every morning. I am taking classes online to get a degree so that I can get a job and be able to take care of myself when my son goes off to college. I do eveything I do these days to honor Tom. I want nothing more than to make him proud. That is my one goal in life right now...to honor Tom in everything I do.

I can't imagine ever feeling the happiness I once knew and that's okay. I have learned to fake it well enough. I hurt inside all the time, but I am progressing. I do what I have to do to make it through. I've decided, too, that my children (ages 26, 24, 15) need to see that mom is okay. They do not need to worry about me on top of dealing with their own grief. They know I'm sad and they see me cry, but they see me doing what needs to be done. I am hoping that they can move forward to find the happiness that their Dad and I shared...they deserve that kind of love.

I hope you are able to find peace and comfort, no matter how small to help you through the day. You will always have Dan by your side...he will always be a part of you.

Sending ((Hugs)) your way.