Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on October 27, 2010 at 4:48pm

Thank you, at least I was fortunate enough to be with him even though there was no good bye.

Permalink Reply by mary heinrich on October 27, 2010 at 5:30pm

I as well was with Gordy holding his hand, crying non stop when he took his last breath in the ICU. The 2 days leading up to his death he was able to do signs telling me he loved me - I would say who loves you-he would point to me and i would say who loves me and he would point to me, his heart and try to word it. Gordy had cancer for 10 yrs- lung cancer,non-hodgkins lymphoma,and squamous cell and he always bounced back after his treatments- this time he couldnt- cancer got him in the end.
It was a hard death for me to take, as deep in my heart i knew the hospital made mistakes. I had the state look into it and sure enough- mistakes were made. The biggest mistake a hospital can make is placing a patient in restraints without a drs order, not doing restraint checks every 30 to 60 minutes , and not documenting the findings. If anyone else had this happen to a loved one while hospitalized, i urge you to file a complaint with your state. Its also a big issue for the Center of Meidcare and Medicaid - they as well will investigate the hospital. Finding a lawyer to handle this -good luck. Also,the ICU Gordy was in would not allow me to stay 24/7- i had to follow visiting hours- Gordy somehow managed to get out of the restraints, take a band that was fastened around the back of his head, take tape off his mouth that was holding the breathing tube in place and pull it out- and this as well was not documentated. Yet, i recvd the phone call at 3 something in the am and was told all this and could not come up - recvd another call at 630 telling me to come asap as he had hrs left to live. Yes i am bitter with hospital situation-but i know i did everything i could to give him those 10 addtl yrs. we were married for 16 yrs We lived life with no regrets.
It will be a year for Gordy on 11/19/2010. Yes - I am angry with Gordy- for leaving me a widow at 50. However, i am also looking at how far i have come in the past year. Not a day goes by that i dont miss him- or shed a tear or 2 for him.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 27, 2010 at 6:30pm

Dear Hurting,
I feel sad for you that you weren't able to be there and say what you would have liked to say and be present for him in his last moments. You are able to say what you wanted in your post, so maybe you can take some small comfort in telling us because I think I can say for all of us that we understand your grief in this. I came to realize that there is always regrets, not to take away from your pain, but I did find that it is very common for each and every one of us to have regrets in one way or another after our loved one passes away. In the back of my mind, for example I still wonder if Dan's PCP saw Dan for one visit in March of 09 he had for a muscle spasm instead of the Nurse Practioner, who only gave him a muscle relaxer, and if the Doc figured that since he knew Danny had the esophageal cancer that he may have given him the needle biopsy sooner instead of July of 09 maybe the reoccurance of cancer where the muscle spasm was would have been detected sooner and maybe the treatments would have gotten rid of the cancer that spread to his neck, and who knows where else it went. I know it's all in the past but I'll never know that Danny's prognosis would have been very different on December 18, of 09. That was the day the radiation doctor told us the last treatments didn't get the cancer, he didn't know where it would go next, and he didn't know how long he had. Thirty-five days later he was gone. For his final month I was able to sit with him, talk to him, feed him, take care of him, hold his hand, look into his eyes, one time he said to me, 'if something happens to me don't scream, try to be calm,' and another time he said to me, 'you know where the funeral papers are, right?' Both times, I said don't worry about anything, and other than that, we never discussed anything about his final day, January 22nd, 2010. Even until his last day, when he breathed his last breath, I never actually believed he would go. (Sometimes I think how stupid am I, but then I remember I was in a fog.) With me, I regretted that I was about 3 feet away from him, while his body was shutting down, but I didn't realize it and I was writing down the schedule of medication I would be giving him because the nurse told me he didn't need any other medicine, he was on 12 various types. I only regret that I wasn't holding his hand, but I watched him take his last breath from 3 feet away and all of his sisters were around, but then I realized maybe it was his family that loved him too that needed to have this time, because I had him for 39 years and also I thought maybe he wouldn't want me to see him dieing. So, I have a little different perspective for my own regrets. In any case it has been heartbreaking for you and me and all of us. Some just get a telephone call, or a message. I think the unexpected must be so devastating. In June of 09 one of Dan's sisters' great granddaughter after having lived in her mother's womb for 9 months, with a normal delivery, and a wonderful celebration and a shower of gifts, for no apparent reason, passed away right in the hospital where she was born, only after living for 4 hours, thinking they would be taking little Orianna home to her older sister, the baby was waked 2 days after I went to the funeral of my nephew, Dan wasn't well enough to go so I went to the both services. I honestly don't know how do we all do it. I wish that society better prepared us for this natural but emotional experience of losing our loved ones. Such sorrow, and sadness and heartbreak. I still feel grief, and can tell when the tears are coming, I still grapple with what does He want me to do with the rest of my life. I hate to hear it and I hate to say it but time will tell. We each have our own pain, but we also have our own path as well. I know what you mean, that you grieve for what you were unable to do. At the Hospice meeting I attend and from books I have found that many times, there are several grief factors that come into it. Like, not only how we would have liked the ending to be, but not only do we lose our spouse, but we grieve over a multiplicity of things, like some of us lose our safety, our companionship from other couples that we had when we were a couple, our lives have turned upside down. We have to go through other grief as well. It's like a double whammy. I know that feeling. He was everything to me. But I digress. Sorry to be long. Just wanted to share my thoughts and let you know I honestly feel your sadness. You and all of us need to express our thoughts no matter how long it has been. It's good we have legacy to open up to others who know how we feel. Even though I am going through so much, as are all of us, I feel ever-so-grateful that the Hospice I attend and the therapist I talk to are very caring human beings. I try to only share with those I know understand me. You have been in my prayers, hurting, and I will continue to pray that you feel better and have peace.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on October 27, 2010 at 8:46pm

Suzanne, Thank you for your beautiful words. I try to think the way you have just written and it brings me peace to know that one day I may be able to feel that too! Again thank you and God Bless!!!

Suzanne said:

Dear Hurting,
I feel sad for you that you weren't able to be there and say what you would have liked to say and be present for him in his last moments. You are able to say what you wanted in your post, so maybe you can take some small comfort in telling us because I think I can say for all of us that we understand your grief in this. I came to realize that there is always regrets, not to take away from your pain, but I did find that it is very common for each and every one of us to have regrets in one way or another after our loved one passes away. In the back of my mind, for example I still wonder if Dan's PCP saw Dan for one visit in March of 09 he had for a muscle spasm instead of the Nurse Practioner, who only gave him a muscle relaxer, and if the Doc figured that since he knew Danny had the esophageal cancer that he may have given him the needle biopsy sooner instead of July of 09 maybe the reoccurance of cancer where the muscle spasm was would have been detected sooner and maybe the treatments would have gotten rid of the cancer that spread to his neck, and who knows where else it went. I know it's all in the past but I'll never know that Danny's prognosis would have been very different on December 18, of 09. That was the day the radiation doctor told us the last treatments didn't get the cancer, he didn't know where it would go next, and he didn't know how long he had. Thirty-five days later he was gone. For his final month I was able to sit with him, talk to him, feed him, take care of him, hold his hand, look into his eyes, one time he said to me, 'if something happens to me don't scream, try to be calm,' and another time he said to me, 'you know where the funeral papers are, right?' Both times, I said don't worry about anything, and other than that, we never discussed anything about his final day, January 22nd, 2010. Even until his last day, when he breathed his last breath, I never actually believed he would go. (Sometimes I think how stupid am I, but then I remember I was in a fog.) With me, I regretted that I was about 3 feet away from him, while his body was shutting down, but I didn't realize it and I was writing down the schedule of medication I would be giving him because the nurse told me he didn't need any other medicine, he was on 12 various types. I only regret that I wasn't holding his hand, but I watched him take his last breath from 3 feet away and all of his sisters were around, but then I realized maybe it was his family that loved him too that needed to have this time, because I had him for 39 years and also I thought maybe he wouldn't want me to see him dieing. So, I have a little different perspective for my own regrets. In any case it has been heartbreaking for you and me and all of us. Some just get a telephone call, or a message. I think the unexpected must be so devastating. In June of 09 one of Dan's sisters' great granddaughter after having lived in her mother's womb for 9 months, with a normal delivery, and a wonderful celebration and a shower of gifts, for no apparent reason, passed away right in the hospital where she was born, only after living for 4 hours, thinking they would be taking little Orianna home to her older sister, the baby was waked 2 days after I went to the funeral of my nephew, Dan wasn't well enough to go so I went to the both services. I honestly don't know how do we all do it. I wish that society better prepared us for this natural but emotional experience of losing our loved ones. Such sorrow, and sadness and heartbreak. I still feel grief, and can tell when the tears are coming, I still grapple with what does He want me to do with the rest of my life. I hate to hear it and I hate to say it but time will tell. We each have our own pain, but we also have our own path as well. I know what you mean, that you grieve for what you were unable to do. At the Hospice meeting I attend and from books I have found that many times, there are several grief factors that come into it. Like, not only how we would have liked the ending to be, but not only do we lose our spouse, but we grieve over a multiplicity of things, like some of us lose our safety, our companionship from other couples that we had when we were a couple, our lives have turned upside down. We have to go through other grief as well. It's like a double whammy. I know that feeling. He was everything to me. But I digress. Sorry to be long. Just wanted to share my thoughts and let you know I honestly feel your sadness. You and all of us need to express our thoughts no matter how long it has been. It's good we have legacy to open up to others who know how we feel. Even though I am going through so much, as are all of us, I feel ever-so-grateful that the Hospice I attend and the therapist I talk to are very caring human beings. I try to only share with those I know understand me. You have been in my prayers, hurting, and I will continue to pray that you feel better and have peace.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Susan Mayer on October 27, 2010 at 9:59pm

I am sorry for your pain, Hurting. My husband was killed suddenly, and I was not there to say good-bye either. You are not alone in this.