My husband of 40 years passed away on June 26.  Instead of getting better the grief is getting worse.  We have a large,loving family but I feel so alone.  I try not to burden my family, they are suffering too.  I just don't know what to do.  There will be a large Memorial sevice on July 21 and I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

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janice shannon said:

Dear Jan, Let me first say how sorry I am for your loss, you have come to a very good website for comfort, support, suggestions, encouragement.  Start by reading all of the posts on the website, cry and mourn with all of us.  I have learned that grief is a process a very long and painful experience that we have to learn to cope with in our own way.   Those that tell you that you will get over it are just flat out wrong.  We build a new life one that includes doing new things, going new places, changing tv or movie preferences and listening to a different style of music.  As you begin to practice  change and help  other people here like responding to the needs by offering suggestions your own healing with accelerate.  Right now you are very new to the situation, you are on your last nerve if you will and that won't change over night but there are allot of caring people on this site that be her for you.  I am a person of very strong faith and I know that we are never alone, God is a very good source of comfort in times of sorrow.  Pray that God will give you the strength to be able to make it through the memorial service.   Let go and Let God....   He will deliver.    My prayers will be with you and for you each day that God will give you strength and peace.     Janice

Janice, thank you for understanding.  I do spend a lot of time talking to God, and I pray for the day when I will be able to build a new life.  Right now I feel like I'm sleepwalking through every day, just one foot in front of the other.  I can't think ahead beyond today.  I'm thankful that Don passed peacefully in his sleep.

Although it was best for Don to go peacefully, I keep having thoughts of things left unsaid.  I appreciate your understanding and your answer.  I got interrupted before I could finish the previous reply.  Don had congestive heart failure & kidney failure, he was given 5 extra years by some wonderful doctors in 2007.  He was very strong willed but his heart just gave out.  I don't even know what to say, I can't talk to friends about it, I just cry all the time.  Thank God for our family and the support we have for each other, but they don't fully understand the loss of a beloved spouse, I'm thankful I found this place, and the strength of others who do understand.

Yes Jan when Don passed away he took part of you with him, that is what leaves that awful ache in your heart or your stomach, If you have not been there you can not understand it.  The numbness comes to help us heal up from the pain that this ripping away has caused our physical bodies.  Because as God promised we had become one.  My husband of 32 years has only been gone ten weeks so I am not very far ahead of you on this terrible journey.  I unlike you had no time to prepare my husband just got really sick and went to the hospital and died in 36hrs.  I can't tell you the shock that caused.  I have tried to make a new routine, it is really stupid but it seems to be working for me.  Mornings are the worst for me, I cry every morning, have my coffee, and start a new day.... by that I mean no more tears, I have a game site that I play games that makes me concentrate on anything else I just do it, it helps.  I got on Facebook, i look up old friends,  I find jokes that make me laugh,  anything but think about Bo.  Once in a while I will accidently call my son by his Dad's name or talk about something we did in the past but for the most part I try to keep it there.   God is so merciful he didn't allow my husband to suffer that long for that I am eternally grateful.  I try to give my grief up to God so that I too will experience the healing that I need.  Some days work out and others don't at all you will see that as you read all the posts.  Hang in there Janice

Nights are bad, just me and our little Chihuaha, she used to cuddle up to me, now she sleeps as far on his side of the bed as she can get, sleeps with her head on his pillow, it's heartbreaking, she doesn't look or listen for him, she knows he's gone, as that morning when I woke up and he didn't, she was as tight against him as she could get, she knew he was gone before I did.  You probably think it's silly to say a dog is affected?    Yet she brings me a lot of comfort.  Mornings are also bad, I also cry every morning and every night.  I've had a granddaughter stay with me on some nights, but she has a life too, I have to learn to be alone, somehow.

I am very sorry for your loss, I didn't know it was so recent.  I have a good friend whose husband has been gone 8 months, and she isn't much better of than I am.  I just got back from the cemetery where I had to sign papers so that his urn can be placed.  I think that is the end of the things like that that I have to do, I hope.  Just have to somehow get through the memorial service on the 21st.

I had to move in my son and his wife, they have a dog.  She is very sensitive to the saddness in me so I don't think that it is odd that pets also mourn the loss of their master.  Angel tries to lick it out of me sometimes i think.  But you should hear her cry when the kids go to the store even.   I have always been a cat person but I think dogs are quite wonderful now.   Janice

Jan, welcome to the group that nobody wants to belong to. Here we are. The death of a spouse is like no other that I have experienced. A part of your soul has been ripped out. CrYing is actually good for you. I say that the salt in your tears help the healing to begin. My husband Dave died on 12/2/2010. I have been through my year of firsts. The people here were such a comfort to me when I finally found this site. I realized that I was not crazy in spite of all my crazy actions. To top everything, my husband's daughter tried to make my life miserable. One thing that happened to me was, I put so much energy into dealing with her, that I put a damper on my.grief. You can put it off sometimes, but you will still go through the grieving process. Now, I have become very involved with Work, music and church. I find that some weeks, I hardly have time to breath. Other times I have too much free time, and cannot motivate myself to do anything. I wish there was a grieving group in thE area that I could join. I suspect that I need more help working through my anger and pain

This is a long journey, working through your grief, finding a new you, and making changes in your daily life. We are all here, walking the same road. Each one of us at a different part of this journey. Giving support and receiving support is what we do for each other. Begin this walk with baby steps,and don't be hard on yourself. Hugs to you. Give and receive all the hugs you can. Hugs are good!

Maggie, you said it so well, the group that nobody wants to belong to.  I know it will take time, a lot of time, I just can't imagine life without Don, but it is my reality now.  I think today has been extra bad, I can't stop crying.  I am lucky in the fact that I have a very good relationship with my 3 stepsons (I also have 3 sons), we have been together since all the boys were ages 7 -12, I have great memories.  I'm sorry you have had to deal with someone like your husbands daughter, that must make things so much worse.  I'm retired, but my son owns a discount grocery store, I can work there any time for 2 - 3 hours, as often or seldom as I want, so I feel fortunate that when I feel ready to be out in the public, I'll have something to do.  And I plan to get back to Church, soon, I hope.  If only I can get to the point of not bursting into tears every time someone mentions Don's name, I will maybe be on the way to healing.  Thank you for your good words, and I am so sorry for your loss as well.

We were married for 40 years too. and its been 3 years now and my body still feels like I am carrying a ton around. I am so sorry for your loss. We can try to tell each other that it gets better but it gets alittle easier but the ( BETTER) I haven't got there yet. We just try to suck it in and keep telling ourselve this day will be over soon and another day will start. families are conforting its just that they cannot be with us 24 seven and then we face the loneliness, the emptyness sometimes thinking about the funny or silly things we did together helps alittle. God bless you and keep you. Jean

 


I have been thinking, today, about having my middle son & family move in to my home, its a large mobile, and I have a very large area in back, I could put a small mobile there for myself.  I know its to early to make any major decisions, but I cant stand being alone like this, I feel like I'm losing my mind.  Its just a thought right now.
janice shannon said:

I had to move in my son and his wife, they have a dog.  She is very sensitive to the saddness in me so I don't think that it is odd that pets also mourn the loss of their master.  Angel tries to lick it out of me sometimes i think.  But you should hear her cry when the kids go to the store even.   I have always been a cat person but I think dogs are quite wonderful now.   Janice

Jean,  right now I can't imagine it being any better in 3 years, we were truly 2 halves that made one person, I don't have words for the emptiness and deep sadness I feel.  Its a little better when family is with me, but they have lives to live and businesses to run.  It's as you said, I tell myself this day will be over and another will start, but it's just the same day, over & over.  I don't know what I expected, but I had no idea it could be this bad.  I try to think of all we did together but it just makes me cry more.  Thanks for listening & for the kind words.  It isn't a feeling of feeling sorry for myself, its just complete devastating emptiness, beyond anything I could believe possible.  May God also bless you, in this sad journey.

Jean McClintock said:

We were married for 40 years too. and its been 3 years now and my body still feels like I am carrying a ton around. I am so sorry for your loss. We can try to tell each other that it gets better but it gets alittle easier but the ( BETTER) I haven't got there yet. We just try to suck it in and keep telling ourselve this day will be over soon and another day will start. families are conforting its just that they cannot be with us 24 seven and then we face the loneliness, the emptyness sometimes thinking about the funny or silly things we did together helps alittle. God bless you and keep you. Jean

 

I'd like to suggest the book Widow to Widow if you haven't already read it. I'm almost 11 months into this terrible nightmare and just started this book...excellent. Just lets you know that you are not crazy and gives helpful tips that we all need. My husband also died suddenly of a heart attack while riding his bike. I talked to him on the phone at 3:30 and at 6:00 the police were calling me saying he was found unresponsive on the bike path. I watched as the E.R. staff worked on him for over an hour. I screamed and sobbed and begged him not to l eave me. I begged God to let me have him. We have all gone through hell.The reason we are all here is because of the exceptional love we had with our spouses.

I don't have any words for you to help make it easier. My faith in God has gotten me this far. I know that I will meet up with John for eternity in God's time. That's all I got. This is still new to you so take advantage of the numbness and just go through the motions one day at a time. The numbness wears off soon enough.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

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