My husband of 40 years passed away on June 26.  Instead of getting better the grief is getting worse.  We have a large,loving family but I feel so alone.  I try not to burden my family, they are suffering too.  I just don't know what to do.  There will be a large Memorial sevice on July 21 and I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

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Thank you, I will get the book, there has to be something to help take this pain away.  My family and my faith help some, some days I'll be having a good day for a few hours, and I think maybe its getting better, then some little thing will happen, or I'll hear something and think, I have to tell Don about this, then it hits me, I can't tell him, and the pain and the tears all come back.  Nightmare is the right word for it.  Right now I can't imagine it being any better in 6 months, or 11 months, or 2 years.  I am thankful for the many kind words and thoughts I've found on here.  God bless and keep everyone in this sad group.

nancy said:

I'd like to suggest the book Widow to Widow if you haven't already read it. I'm almost 11 months into this terrible nightmare and just started this book...excellent. Just lets you know that you are not crazy and gives helpful tips that we all need. My husband also died suddenly of a heart attack while riding his bike. I talked to him on the phone at 3:30 and at 6:00 the police were calling me saying he was found unresponsive on the bike path. I watched as the E.R. staff worked on him for over an hour. I screamed and sobbed and begged him not to l eave me. I begged God to let me have him. We have all gone through hell.The reason we are all here is because of the exceptional love we had with our spouses.

I don't have any words for you to help make it easier. My faith in God has gotten me this far. I know that I will meet up with John for eternity in God's time. That's all I got. This is still new to you so take advantage of the numbness and just go through the motions one day at a time. The numbness wears off soon enough.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Dear Jan,

   I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on October 20,2011...our 35th wedding anniversary would have been on the 29th of October. I would like to suggest a book for you...it's called: "Widow to Widow". I can't remember the authors name (I loaned it to my friend) . But it was a very helpful book for me.

   I don't know why, but sometimes my grief gets worse also. It's been almost 9 months for me now and I can finally say that the fog is lifting and I'm not crying ALL day long now. But, some days I miss him SO much I wish that I could just die.

   I would suggest that you ask God to give you the strenght that you need to get through the Memorial Service....and each day after that. It will be tough but you can do it. The terrible thing about losing a spouse is the loneliness...that's something that I don't think will ever go away for me. After being with someone as long as we have it's SO HARD to be alone. The nights and the week-ends are the hardest for me. I read a lot now....something I never used to do. I've read more books in the past 9 months than I have in my life time. I haven't gone yet, but I'm planning to go to a support group soon. At first I didn't want to do this but now I feel it would be helpful because everyone there is going through the same thing and people can help each other just by suggesting something that helped them. Check out --www.griefshare.org or call 800-395-5755 to find a group near you.

   I hope this helps. If you need to talk we're all here for you. I pray that God will give you Strength, Peace and Comfort to get throught this difficult time.                 Peg

My wife Karen passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and the first few months I seemed to be just going on and doing what needed to be done on sort of auto pilot. My mom got sick soon after my ife passed away and I had a year ofmtakingmcare of her, then she passed away. Then it was dealing with taking care of my aunt, she lived with my mom, so another year that I was busy. Got,that taken care of, now my daughter is in the middle,of a divorce, so I seem to,have nomtimemto,grieve. Maybe all,this is keeping me,to busy to really break down. I wnt to a therapist and he tells me it is post traumatic stress. I met a nice widow, and we do have some fun together, but having fun makes me feel guilty.

Jerry, I absolutely know what you mean, I am still on that auto-pilot, I feel like I'm living in a fog.  It has been only 3 weeks since Don passed away, I am still so raw inside.  My mom passed almost a year ago, I'm still grieving for her, we were so close.  Then 4 months later, we lost my best friend's husband to cancer.  We were all friends for 47 years, it was like losing a brother.  Then 6 months later, I lost Don.  It seems almost too much to bear.  I have always said about things, "This, Too, Shall Pass", but this will never "pass".  I beileve we will never "get over it", but will just learn how to live with it.  I have thought about a therapist, but it's just too soon for me.  You shouldn't feel guilty about having a little fun, its been over 2 years for you, we do deserve to get back to living again, even though we won't ever forget.

Jerry said:

My wife Karen passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and the first few months I seemed to be just going on and doing what needed to be done on sort of auto pilot. My mom got sick soon after my ife passed away and I had a year ofmtakingmcare of her, then she passed away. Then it was dealing with taking care of my aunt, she lived with my mom, so another year that I was busy. Got,that taken care of, now my daughter is in the middle,of a divorce, so I seem to,have nomtimemto,grieve. Maybe all,this is keeping me,to busy to really break down. I wnt to a therapist and he tells me it is post traumatic stress. I met a nice widow, and we do have some fun together, but having fun makes me feel guilty.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.  I am here to tell you that in time, things do get better- the extreme pain you are feeling will not last forever.  There is a great book titled " I'm a Widow, What Now? Embracing Life after Loss" by Patricia N. Muscari that I strongly recommend.  It contains unique ways to experience and move more quickly through your grief.  Good luck to you.

http://www.yourfuturewithin.com

Thanks, Becky.  I couldn't find that book on Amazon, but I did order "Widow to Widow", which has been recommended by several people.  So far I've only gotten through the very, very long introduction and acknowledgments.  I hope today to get into the book part of it.  I downloaded it onto my tablet, which has Kindle installed.  I'll keep looking for the book you mentioned when I get to a bookstore.  Some days I wonder how I will ever survive this pain, it's so much worse than anything I could have ever imagined.  I feel like a lost soul.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's just the way it is.

Becky said:

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.  I am here to tell you that in time, things do get better- the extreme pain you are feeling will not last forever.  There is a great book titled " I'm a Widow, What Now? Embracing Life after Loss" by Patricia N. Muscari that I strongly recommend.  It contains unique ways to experience and move more quickly through your grief.  Good luck to you.

http://www.yourfuturewithin.com

Sorry, I didn't notice the web address before, now I see how to order the book.  Thanks.

Jan Fridrich said:

Thanks, Becky.  I couldn't find that book on Amazon, but I did order "Widow to Widow", which has been recommended by several people.  So far I've only gotten through the very, very long introduction and acknowledgments.  I hope today to get into the book part of it.  I downloaded it onto my tablet, which has Kindle installed.  I'll keep looking for the book you mentioned when I get to a bookstore.  Some days I wonder how I will ever survive this pain, it's so much worse than anything I could have ever imagined.  I feel like a lost soul.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's just the way it is.

Becky said:

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.  I am here to tell you that in time, things do get better- the extreme pain you are feeling will not last forever.  There is a great book titled " I'm a Widow, What Now? Embracing Life after Loss" by Patricia N. Muscari that I strongly recommend.  It contains unique ways to experience and move more quickly through your grief.  Good luck to you.

http://www.yourfuturewithin.com

Dear Jan ...

I haven't been on the forum for awhile and I am so sorry I missed your message. How did things go for you.  I had a 'Celebration of Life' for my dear husband Ernie (almost 40 years of marriage) who passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I was in a world of my own that day and I can't even remember now much of what went on or who was even there at the Chapel.  I know how you feel. I classify the feelings as looking through a window at life going on and you mentally just can't join the crowd.

It is OK to talk to family and a good trusted friends about your husband and the memories you had. It is also OK to have a darn good cry! You may not believe it right now (I know I didn't) but slowly things start to get a wee bit better.  What you are going through is perfectly normal and grieving is different for everyone and they go at their own pace.  I forced myself to see more of my girlfriends; started doing things around the house; gardening and taking the dogs for a walk.  I still can get teary-eyed when I am out and something jogs my memory about my Ernie. Even now when I see a couple walk down the street I am envious and it hurts my  heart because it makes me realize how alone I do feel. 

Take one step at a time dear and rest; try to eat well and try your very best to keep in touch with family and friends.  Even choose a close girlfriend that you can just sit down with over a glass of wine; tea or coffee and let it all out.  I know it's difficult because most of us were independent in our own right and not use to feeling out of control and suddenly thrown into a world that is unfamiliar to us (going through life without our spouse) but true to it's word 'time does heal.'  I find now when I mention Ernie to family or friends I can laugh at some of the goofy memories we had together.  I began to look at the loss of Ernie (after getting over the anger ... 'why him') as I was so very blessed to have had him in my life for as long as I did.  Some people never know what true love is. 

I know your pain is great and there isn't much I can say to help you, but, know I am here and I wish I could give you a big bear hug.

 

Marcy

Thank you, Marcy.  The memorial day was strange, I was in a fog, I remember bits & pieces, but its all kind of vague.  I hope and pray for the day it gets even a little easier.  My best friend of 47 years, lost her husband to cancer in November last year, We have been able to help each other, and to really talk openly about everything, the 4 of us were very close, took trips together, did many things together.  We both feel like "how did we get to this place in our lives, we had plans for so much more."...

I get out for a while on most days, but when I'm around people for too long, I get a panicky feeling and all I want to do is get back to my house & be alone with my little dog.  I knew Don's heart was failing and his death was a possiblity, but we hoped for more years.  I just could never have imagined how great this pain would be, it's beyond belief, unless you've been there yourself.  I do keep trying, every day to do a little better, but as you said, its different for everyone and you do have to do it in your own time & own way.  I thank God for our large & loving family, yet sometimes I feel completely alone.

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Dear Jan ...

I haven't been on the forum for awhile and I am so sorry I missed your message. How did things go for you.  I had a 'Celebration of Life' for my dear husband Ernie (almost 40 years of marriage) who passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I was in a world of my own that day and I can't even remember now much of what went on or who was even there at the Chapel.  I know how you feel. I classify the feelings as looking through a window at life going on and you mentally just can't join the crowd.

It is OK to talk to family and a good trusted friends about your husband and the memories you had. It is also OK to have a darn good cry! You may not believe it right now (I know I didn't) but slowly things start to get a wee bit better.  What you are going through is perfectly normal and grieving is different for everyone and they go at their own pace.  I forced myself to see more of my girlfriends; started doing things around the house; gardening and taking the dogs for a walk.  I still can get teary-eyed when I am out and something jogs my memory about my Ernie. Even now when I see a couple walk down the street I am envious and it hurts my  heart because it makes me realize how alone I do feel. 

Take one step at a time dear and rest; try to eat well and try your very best to keep in touch with family and friends.  Even choose a close girlfriend that you can just sit down with over a glass of wine; tea or coffee and let it all out.  I know it's difficult because most of us were independent in our own right and not use to feeling out of control and suddenly thrown into a world that is unfamiliar to us (going through life without our spouse) but true to it's word 'time does heal.'  I find now when I mention Ernie to family or friends I can laugh at some of the goofy memories we had together.  I began to look at the loss of Ernie (after getting over the anger ... 'why him') as I was so very blessed to have had him in my life for as long as I did.  Some people never know what true love is. 

I know your pain is great and there isn't much I can say to help you, but, know I am here and I wish I could give you a big bear hug.

 

Marcy

Jan,

I also recommend the book "Death of a Husband" -- it answers a lot of questions and will affirm that what you are feeling and going through right now is normal.  Grief is a difficult emotion and no one can describe how painful it is at times.  We all experience it differently and will get through it at our own pace.  You will always remember your husband and miss him -- I miss my husband every day and it has been 3 years July 17, 2009.  The memories we made will always be with me and that is what gets me through the hard days -- and I can laugh at some of the stuff we did on the easy days.  Time does heal -- and you need to take as much time as you need and don't let anyone else tell you different.  The other individuals on this site have been there and done that.  We are here to listen and to affirm that you are not going crazy and your feelings are real. 

 

Brigitte

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