Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on May 9, 2013 at 1:53am

Angela ...  I am so very sorry that you have to join us and going through such pain from the loss of your husband.  My husband passed away from pancreatic cancer April 27, 2011. Odd how we never forget the exact date of death.  A sudden death is harder to deal with and I can understand how you feel.  You are in raw grief; can't believe he is gone and will have times when you think it's a movie playing out or, it's cruel joke.  It may be possible you feel some guilt that you didn't realize it was more than heartburn, but please try to understand that neither of you could know it wasn't heartburn.  So many things can mimic a heart attack such as anxiety (heartburn; like an elephant is sitting on your chest) and often people who go to ER thinking they are having a heart attack simply have heartburn.  It was not your fault at all. 

I hope you will get some grief counseling and of course keep coming onto this forum because we are all here for you and understand your pain and no one judges what you have to say.  When no one else in our lives who hasn't lost a spouse doesn't understand we do.

Big hugs

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on May 9, 2013 at 11:49am

I want to thank all of you for your kind words. I am trying to change my daily routine by staying in bed later than usual. I am usually a very early riser, I am up by 6 am. to get my day started. Today, I stayed in bed until 10:30 with my dog by my side. My house is a mess, I haven't been able to do anything. Problem is, usually when I sit here at my computer, he would be sitting on the couch watching TV.

Wilela, as far as my mother goes, if she was still living in her apartment across the street from me, I would not be able to hide it from her. As of now, she is in rehab and it doesn't look like she will be coming home again. I was expecting something to happen to her and I would have my husband to lean on and be my rock but that is not to be. I miss him so much.

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on May 10, 2013 at 1:40pm

Angela  I really feel for you in your loss and having to keep the news from your Mother.   It is really hard to "put a face on" when the grief is so new.   Thank God you have a daughter downstairs.   I so wish I had children but I have no one and although this is a tiny cottage (17th century) and your problem is a big house, this was Morley's sanctuary but I cannot bring myself to either eat in the kitchen with the empty chair beside me or sit in my living room with the empty sofa opposite me so I spend an awful lot of time in bed.   I have been really angry with our Dr because one of the few symptoms of aortic aneurysm is sciatica and my husband had been being treated for that and I feel his Dr ought to have sent him for a scan to rule out aneurysm but apparently it is so rare that no one would have but I will carry a resentment for that Dr with me forever.   Perhaps his aneurysm would not have been treatable but we'll never know now will we?   If your husband would have refused to go see the Dr, then don't beat yourself up that his "heartburn" turned out to be a heart problem.   They can be so stubborn these husbands of ours and there is no way you could have known (same as me).   When you have lived 24/7 with a man as we both did, how do you find a way to live in this life without them.   We were joined at the hip and had I had no interests that didn't include him (though he did) so there is nowhere for me to go now.   I cannot face volunteering for something though that may come.   We two, and all the others on this forum must just continue taking baby steps, one forwards three back until our time comes.   All I am really writing to say is don't be hard on yourself.  It was his time as it was Morley's.   The fact we may not agree with that decision we can do nothing about.   Soon enough (not soon enough for me) it will be our turn and then maybe we will get some of the answers.   As it is we all have to support one another on this forum because it is the only place where people don't say anything about how or for how long you are grieving.

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on May 10, 2013 at 2:07pm

Helen, Thank you. Like you, I cannot eat at the kitchen table with the empty seat  in front of me. But yet, I take my food to the family room couch where it happened. We really never watched TV together that much, we liked different things. He would sit in the family room and I would watch TV in the living room. Jim was also complaining about a pain in his leg but he said that it happened when he bent down to put air in the tires. Now, I'm thinking, maybe it was a blood clot. Yet that day, he took my daughter to the vet, walked our dog and took me to the hospital to see my mother. My daughter said that he was fine and was even playing with the dogs in the waiting room. I knew he wasn't feeling good but I never thought it was anything like that. I keep going over in my mind, the last things that we said to each other. He knew that I hated taking elevators alone so when he went down to sit in the lobby of the hospital, I took the elevator alone to see how he was. He said to me "you do love me". I wonder if it had happened while we were there, if he could have been saved. I just don't know anymore. My poor daughter, she keeps thinking that if it had happened 15 min. before it did, we would have been driving in the car and I might be gone too. I keep telling her, not to think like that but she can't help it.

I don't know how I am going to get through Mother's Day. I have to go visit my mother and try to put on a face. I just don't know how I am going to do it. Thank you.

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on May 10, 2013 at 3:00pm

Angela  Just do the best you can with your Mother.   She probably won't notice the difference.   Funnily enough, we very rarely watched TV together either (only if CSI Miami was on as he was convinced it was a spoof of the other two which he couldn't stand.   I still watch them all. as that was my job when we married although not in Forensics, I lie in bed and shout at the screen when I see them doing something that would give a totally wrong result).   Most of the time he was in the next room on the computer.   He was a reproductive biologist and was researching through the internet the early days of his research.   He never threw out one bit of paper and I cannot bear to so I have had to empty a whole cupboard and it is now stored to the top with boxes of stuff he had run off.   It was so important to him that I cannot bring myself to throw anything out (still have all his clothes and have no intention of ever throwing any of them out).   Our best man is my executer and I have told him all this so he has some job on his hands because he will have to put all the clothes into charity bags and all the papers into the recycling bag (or the local dump).   I do have a sister and two nieces but they have decided they "cannot cope with my grief" so I have decided that they cannot inherit anything so have changed my will and my next of kin is the girl who was my hairdresser but has for a long time been a good friend.   She is one of the two who will let me cry all over her for as long as I need to and cannot understand why my "friends" cannot.   I see more of her than any of my old "friends".   Most of them disappeared when Morley died which makes me suspect that he was the attraction really and I never really meant anything to them.   But its the loneliness that is the real killer for me.   The sound of silence when I open the door and lock it behind me and there is nothing - no voice shouting is that you sweetheart and never will be again.  How do you ever come to terms with that?   I doubt I ever will really because I have a bleeding sore where my heart once was and I expect that will heal a little with time but with no one of my own what is the point of it all.    I have not heard from any of my "family" for over 2 years now and even if they did contact me now, it is too late.   The hurt they have inflicted on me and all because I lost my husband.   When my sisters husband died, Morley and I took her on holiday with us for 16 years.   I think I got about 6 weeks of support then nothing but criticism of all I had done for Morley's memorial service, funeral tea, plaque on a wall etc etc.   As my friend said, you are just an additional burden now so they were looking for any excuse to turn away from you.   Sad but it must be true because I don't know what I have done wrong.   Angela, you'll manage that brave face for your Mother but both you and your daughter must accept that there was no way you could have known your husband was heading towards a heart attack.   Like me (with the way Morley went), it was a quick and merciful death for him but for those of us left behind it is pure hell.   Every day is an ordeal to be got through somehow.    I somehow thought that at 2 plus years the pain would be a little easier but it isn't and I still cry every day and relive his last moments when the horror dawned on me that he was dead.   We are all in the same boat on this forum Angela so vent all you need to, get it out here because we all understand.

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on May 10, 2013 at 3:39pm

Helen,

As far as my mother goes, although she is 98, she still has a sharp mind. She is going to wonder why he isn't visiting her for Mother's Day. I don't know what I am going to say.

Years ago, we had a big crowd of friends but 2 of my closest friends from that crowd, died at an early age. I also had a lot of cousins but 2 years ago, we had a falling out. My daughter called to tell them what happened but not one of them contacted me. Talk about being hurt. I can't understand how cold some people could be. I myself, am an only child and only have 1 daughter from a previous marriage. My daughter loved Jim like he was her own father. She is so sad. I can't believe how our lives have been turned upside down.

I know what you mean about the silence. It's unbearable. I keep hearing the things that he used to say in my head, even the silly little things. Like every time he would walk the dog, he would yell upstairs to me "taking Shadow" and I would say OK. Silly things like that. And he would always say, whatca doing,honey?  Those words are haunting me. I just took the dog in the backyard and looked at the pool (it's covered right now) and pictured him floating around on the raft and me pushing him and laughing.  I had a meltdown and if I cry, the dog gets so nervous. I don't need my dog getting sick right now. He is my only company during the day.

We bought this house 15 years ago. We lived in Brooklyn, in an apartment for many years. He was so happy here. Why couldn't he have lived for so many more years in this house that he loved. This is just too much to bear.

Permalink Reply by liz w on May 10, 2013 at 10:17pm

Angela- I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, and mine is vey similar- lost my husband two weeks ago to a massive heart attack, sudden and unexpected. Have you read the article on this site about feeling guilt after someone you love dies? It's packed with good insight. There are certain things in life that we have no control over. If you are able to cry, do so, do it again and agai, until there are no more tears for the moment. Don't fight it. Let it happen to you, and let yourself feel it thoroughly. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong in not trying to control your husbands decisions. You are not psychic. You could not have predicted what was happening. Heartburn is common and an everyday occurance. If I had heartburn symptoms, I would not seek treatment either- I would take an alka-seltzer or a tums. Sometimes things just happen, and we can't understand why, but we can learn from them, and keep our loved ones in our hearts and minds, but continue on with life as best we can. Again, my sympathies, and I truly do understand.

Permalink Reply by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on May 16, 2013 at 1:41pm

Liz W   I am so sorry for your loss and that you have had to join us in this forum that none of us really want to be on but is a lifeline for us all.   |My husband died nearly three years ago of an aortic aneurysm.   There are no symptoms at all. He just dropped dead and i heard this funny noise and when i went to see what was wrong he was twitching to death with his eyes and mouth wide open and staring straight at me.   If |I am honest |I knew then he was dead because he had hazel eyes and his eyes when he died were bright glue (apparently a sign that the blood had already drained from his head.   I was instructed to give him CPR until the medics got to us (we were in a remote cottage on holiday and I struggles to tell them where we were).   I actually pushed the last breath out of his body doing the CPR.   Don't blame yourself for not insisting he went to the Dr with the heartburn.  I have heartburn all the time a and I have a strong heart (unfortunately as I want to join him as soon as possible(,   I have to believe he is waiting for me and so must you Liz.   Your life will never be the same.   You have to reinvent yourself as a solo (I have not succeeded in doing that yet).   Your heart is broken (as mine is) and this grief path we are all on is the hardest thing we will ever have to do.   No one tells you when you are happily married just how painful the parting is when it come and you take the happiness for granted (we all do we could not exist otherwise).   I am so sorry for your loss and encourage you to come on this forum and vent all your unhappiness.   Your friends will quickly get tired of you crying but no one on here will tell you to stop.   We all grieve at different rates.   I am as bad now as I was 2 plus years ago.    I pray that we all achieve peace of mind.    I'll settle for that -won't you

Permalink Reply by liz w on May 18, 2013 at 10:53pm

Thank you Helen. I have been overwhelmed with the wide range of emotions that I am experiencing. One minute, I'm crying uncontrollably. The next minute, I'm angry at him for leaving me. Then I feel guilty for being angry. He was such a fine man, but so darn hardheaded when it came to his health. I feel like I was too pushy, then like I should have been more patient. I don't know. I'm just so confused, and feel so lost, like hy heart has been ripped to shreds, and there's no putting the pieces back together. Last night, I went out to eat alone, which is something that I haven't done for many years. He and I spent so much time together, and it's just so quiet around here now. He was a talker and a spirited man, and I am a quiet reserved woman who essentially spent time in his shadow, but I liked it there. He was my rock, and the steady wind in my sails. I never realized how much I relied on him until he was gone. I guess that is normal in some marriages. Thanks for the kind words, and bless you.
 
Helen Duncan Hutchinson said:

Liz W   I am so sorry for your loss and that you have had to join us in this forum that none of us really want to be on but is a lifeline for us all.   |My husband died nearly three years ago of an aortic aneurysm.   There are no symptoms at all. He just dropped dead and i heard this funny noise and when i went to see what was wrong he was twitching to death with his eyes and mouth wide open and staring straight at me.   If |I am honest |I knew then he was dead because he had hazel eyes and his eyes when he died were bright glue (apparently a sign that the blood had already drained from his head.   I was instructed to give him CPR until the medics got to us (we were in a remote cottage on holiday and I struggles to tell them where we were).   I actually pushed the last breath out of his body doing the CPR.   Don't blame yourself for not insisting he went to the Dr with the heartburn.  I have heartburn all the time a and I have a strong heart (unfortunately as I want to join him as soon as possible(,   I have to believe he is waiting for me and so must you Liz.   Your life will never be the same.   You have to reinvent yourself as a solo (I have not succeeded in doing that yet).   Your heart is broken (as mine is) and this grief path we are all on is the hardest thing we will ever have to do.   No one tells you when you are happily married just how painful the parting is when it come and you take the happiness for granted (we all do we could not exist otherwise).   I am so sorry for your loss and encourage you to come on this forum and vent all your unhappiness.   Your friends will quickly get tired of you crying but no one on here will tell you to stop.   We all grieve at different rates.   I am as bad now as I was 2 plus years ago.    I pray that we all achieve peace of mind.    I'll settle for that -won't you

Permalink Reply by C Roundtree on May 21, 2013 at 9:09pm

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on June 6, 2013 at 3:26am

Jim ...  I am so sorry your lovely wife Betty has passed away.  My husband Ernie passed away in 2011 and I can relate to everything you felt and did.  I've had parents pass away, but this grief is beyond any emotional pain I have endured.  I eat very well, but have lost a great deal of weight which scares the heck out of me.  I too have had so-called loyal friends of 20 - 40 years and they were there for the first year and then dwindled.  Now I'm considered single and not a part of those same friends.  It's a lonely road and unfortunately, grief is a difficult road for each of us to go down.

You mentioned trying counseling and antidepressants and I have tried counseling, but got little relief from it because as you said you still come home to an empty house and the heartbreak starts all over again.  I am retired and trying to volunteer, but find at times I get anxious because I'm out of my comfort zone. 

You mentioned the emotional/psychological change in your body and I totally agree.  I have researched much of this and grief is actually now under the heading of 'Post Traumatic Stress' and indeed our brain chemistry and body chemistry does change dramatically.  I do walk the dogs and I'm very active, but still fighting to put weight on and have no idea when this vicious cycle of weight loss and deep grief will end.

I would really like to thank you for expressing your grief and now you are doing better in life because it gives many of us hope that we can still have a future.

Thanks so much again.

Marsha

Permalink Reply by Angela Giallombardo on June 6, 2013 at 8:20am

Jim, So sorry for the loss of your wife. Thank you for replying to my post. Right now, I have good and bad days. It is still so fresh for me. It will be 6 weeks, this Monday. It was just so quick and so sudden. I feel like he was ripped away from me in an instant.

I went to a grief counselor, just once since it happened. I think that I will go again next week. I really don't even want to leave my house, right now. All I do is run to a store and then I have to come home to an empty, quiet house. I use to complain about the TV being too loud, now I hate the quiet.  His name was Jim, too. I'm glad that you are feeling a little better now. I hope that one day, I can feel like that. I just feel that I have no purpose in life, right now. I will post again from time to time and let you know how I am doing.    Angela 

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