hi -- my wife, Roselyn who was and remains my soul mate died at the age of 59 when I was 63, She was the love of my life and everything to me. When we first met  it was love at first sight. She died on July 2, 2010, two weeks after our anniversary. The morning of July 1 was routine in the day seemed uneventful until four o'clock that afternoon. She had made arrangements in advance, to meet with a rabbi at the temple.  She was not familiar with the rabbi with the exception of having met him at an event some months earlier. It was not our rabbi but she felt a special affinity towards him. At the meeting she was interested in discussing several issues to include exploring her spirituality. At 4:10PM, I received a phone call from Roselyn telling me that she was experiencing the worst head pain and that she was going to get checked out. She was totally coherent and calm. I told her that it was better "to be safe than sorry, keep me posted and that I loved her".  Those were the last words we ever spoke to each other. Some minutes later the rabbi called and asked me if I was coming. I was confused as to where I was to come. He informed me that Roselyn's condition appeared to be more than a headache. I scrambled to go to the hospital. Upon my arrival I was met by the neurosurgeon and neuropsychologist who informed me that we had a very serious condition. On my way to the hospital I imagined that she did not have a headache that it was possibly an aneurysm. My thoughts were that I would to whatever was necessary to care for Roselyn, in the event that it was indeed an aneurysm. When I went into the room and saw her sedated lying there peacefully with her eyes closed and not responsive to her environment, my heart was destroyed. They told me indeed she had the giant aneurysm that bled and the likelihood of survival was slim. I called my children, and told them that mom was in the hospital. They thought that I was joking. Almost certain that she was to die my children picked up my Roselyn's 91-year-old mother to bring her to the hospital. Upon her arrival the nurses settled her down for what she was about to hear and see.  Rosalyn's mom  started pounding her heart and said "why God why Roselyn, why not me"

The rabbi recounted the events that transpired during the few minutes of their meeting. When Roz spoke of exploring her spirituality , her head suddenly reflexed to the left. She was still coherent and the rabbi offered to go down the hall to get her a glass of water. Upon his return Roselyn informed him that she had called me as she was able to retrieve her phone from her purse. As she was not able to walk, the Rabbi carried Roz to his car and transported her three blocks to the hospital. He was able to call me, although he did not know me, because he realized the last number on her cell phone would be mine.

I've been to counseling which was somewhat helpful. My two young adult children are living with me which is been a tremendous help- I love them with all my heart. I have a few friends that continue to be supportive. Beyond them, I don't participate in any activities. My activities were always with Roz and the children. I do not know how to get out there. I don't know how to move forward.

In the year following Roselyn's death- my father of 85 died, my daughter was in a horrific auto accident when someone ran a stop sign, my mother was placed in an altheimers unit and Roselyn's mother who was relocated to Baltimore to be in a nursing home by her sons home died.

Everyday is grey. My thoughts and emotions can't escape the loss of my soul mate.

Thank you for allowing me to be a member of the group. Thank you for listening.

My heart goes out to each of you. Barry

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Replies to This Discussion

Barry, I'm so very sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through.  I understand it too well.  Its been a year this month since I lost the other half of my heart.  Don left this world on June 26 last year.  What you said about the world being grey says it all.  I haven't been posting in the group for a while as my health has been going downhill and I'm just not up to it right now.  I just wanted you to know I hear you, and I truly feel your pain.  May God bless you.

Jan, Thank you for your warm and heartfelt thoughts. I'm sorry about the loss of your Don. They say God only challenges us with as much as we can handle to make us stronger. Wow- I guess I don't know what strength is. Just got back from a friends funeral who at 68 died suddenly. They believe it was from a massive hemorrhage/aneurism. His wife found him on the kitchen floor after she came back from running some errands. Glad you're back posting. I'm sorry to hear of your poor  health. It makes the coping so much more difficult. Peace and serenity to you.

Dear Barry ....  I am so sorry you have to join our group, but this is the best supportive forum I've been to and it has saved my life many times.  We are extended family here and now you are part of that so feel free to express your feelings openly as no one judges you here.  We also know the pain of grief only too well when friends don't seem to understand the loss we feel.

You have had a horrendous time of it Barry and the sudden death of your dear Roselyn was so unexpected which makes it worse because you and your family were not prepared for it.  I am so sorry as well that your daughter was in a bad car accident.  It seems once we begin to grieve over one loss other problems seem to follow in a sequence and it can be too much for some bare.  You will make it and find a future for yourself because you have family.  Some of us here have no children and no support of family.  Oddly enough most of us find our long-time friends fading away once our spouse has passed away (perhaps it reminds them of how fragile life is and their own mortality) but it's a difficult and lonely path at times.

I can understand how you feel about grey days over the loss of your soul mate.  Many of us have those as well.  My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I still have many days I miss him so much as we had a very close relationship.  We knew each other 45 years and he passed away just before our 40th wedding anniversary.  At the present time I am trying so hard to get out of comfort zone of just puttering around the gardens or going shopping with a girlfriend and have joined a Women's Group, but it's difficult.  I think our loved one would want us to move on in our lives in any way we feel will give us some hope of the future until we meet yet once again when our time comes.

I pray you will soon have some peace Barry and please keep coming on here so we can help and support you.  When one of us falls and needs support there are so many wonderful people on here that care and will hold that troubled person up through some of their darker days.

Big hugs (because you need it.)

Marsha

Oh how my heart goes out to you.

Jane, I' so sorry for your losses. Yes, its like being in a boxing match. Getting punched around for three minutes then going to your corner to have a short break and coming out again to be punched to exhaustion. You had and have such strength to cope with all the challenges.

I keep asking myself why I'm not feeling better. Am I week for not being able to create a new and more comfortable normal. Do I not have enough of a "self" to be more comfortable with myself.

After three years this July 2, I still can't believe my wife is no longer with me. At times it's torturous.

Well-here comes another day.

Thanks and big hugs, Barry



Jane P. said:

Barry,  I am so sorry for your loss and you now having to join this group no one wants to be a part of.  Prior to my husbands passing I lost my father to a stroke, 2 weeks after my fathers passing my mother was diagnosed with cancer and 11 months later I lost my mother. Seven months later my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer so I could not grieve one before another tragedy struck my life. With no regrets,  I was caregiver for both my mother and husband and I went from not having enough air to breath to having too much!  I felt as thought I hit a wall at 200 miles an hour because my life just stopped. 

When I lost my husband I felt as though a part of me went with him.  He was my soul mate, my lover, my friend, my punching bad, he was my everything.  I have found a wonderful grief group who are all widowed so we share the same understanding to our grief.  Yes, this forum and my group have helped me to move forward.  

Come here often even if it is to read posts you will soon see we are all grieving, all in different stages of grief and we truly understand what you are experiencing and your feelings are normal.  It is trying to find a new normalcy in our life that is difficult.  It truly is a baby step process.

Sending cyber hugs, Jane P.

Marsha, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the encouragement that I will move on. I certainly wonder if I will.Yes, Roselyn was everything to me. I didn't realize how much of her  became a part of my spiritual, and emotional self. Her soul became a part of me. I understand your feeling that when your husband died a part of you went with him. I'm in my comfort zone which is really just familiar and actually uncomfortable. I need to move on as you have. But I'm stuck with the old routine.

Peace and serenity to you, Barry

Marsha H said:

Dear Barry ....  I am so sorry you have to join our group, but this is the best supportive forum I've been to and it has saved my life many times.  We are extended family here and now you are part of that so feel free to express your feelings openly as no one judges you here.  We also know the pain of grief only too well when friends don't seem to understand the loss we feel.

You have had a horrendous time of it Barry and the sudden death of your dear Roselyn was so unexpected which makes it worse because you and your family were not prepared for it.  I am so sorry as well that your daughter was in a bad car accident.  It seems once we begin to grieve over one loss other problems seem to follow in a sequence and it can be too much for some bare.  You will make it and find a future for yourself because you have family.  Some of us here have no children and no support of family.  Oddly enough most of us find our long-time friends fading away once our spouse has passed away (perhaps it reminds them of how fragile life is and their own mortality) but it's a difficult and lonely path at times.

I can understand how you feel about grey days over the loss of your soul mate.  Many of us have those as well.  My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I still have many days I miss him so much as we had a very close relationship.  We knew each other 45 years and he passed away just before our 40th wedding anniversary.  At the present time I am trying so hard to get out of comfort zone of just puttering around the gardens or going shopping with a girlfriend and have joined a Women's Group, but it's difficult.  I think our loved one would want us to move on in our lives in any way we feel will give us some hope of the future until we meet yet once again when our time comes.

I pray you will soon have some peace Barry and please keep coming on here so we can help and support you.  When one of us falls and needs support there are so many wonderful people on here that care and will hold that troubled person up through some of their darker days.

Big hugs (because you need it.)

Marsha

Barry ...  Thank you so much for your empathy and that is one thing all of us have on this forum ... we are all in the same boat so to speak.  Strange how most of us find after our spouse passes away how spiritually connected we were and all had their routines with each other and once gone, then it hits us. Sometimes I felt guilty of 'I should have said' or 'some of the small arguments weren't worth it.'  Everyone has disagreements, but, with grief of a spouse there is no instruction book to help us out. Having had parents pass was difficult, but that grief was nothing compared to the grief of losing a spouse. 

Don't worry about being stuck in a comfort zone at the present moment Barry because that is the brain's way of dealing with the grieve and the stress.  Doctors have now added grief under 'Post Traumatic Stress' and I can certainly see why.  My first year was in a complete fog and I kept tricking my mind that my Ernie was away fishing and would be coming home.  The second year was a bit rougher in some ways as reality begins to seep into my life and you come to a cross-roads of either stay the way you are or moving ahead and it's not easy to move out of one's comfort zone.  Just take this time to rest because that's what your body and mind wants you to do.  Keep posting on this forum because it does inform you that the days you feel like you are about to give up; you may feel like you are going crazy and can't make another day; may feel lonely and depressed or feel you have no future you will learn how some of us have coped (chain reaction ... some further on in their grieving than others.)  You will be fine Barry even though you miss Roselyn so very much.  I honestly believe they are close to us in spirit.

May you have much peace and comfort Barry.

Big hug (because you need it.)

 Barry, i know im a little behind, but just now was reading your story. There are no words to say to even come close to saying so very sorry. I think everyone here can relate to how devastated they are with the loss of a spouse. Its does seem to be like a black cloud since they are gone. Mike and I did everything together, now its all alone and really dont have a desire to do anything. So can understand that. Glad you have your children there to help.

 Dont give up on God, he never gives up on us. Hang in there, hope you can find some peace on this journey . Thinking and praying for you ... Cheryl

Barry   I have only just read the full account of your wife's death and my heart goes out to you.   I have seen you post some times on the forum but hadn't heard the fully story.   My husband Morley died of an aortic aneurysm and they day he would have been dead before he hit the floor.   There was certainly no response when I turned him on his side in case he was sick.   We were on holiday in a remote cottage in Yorkshire and I couldn't remember the address so the ambulance seemed to take forever but there was nothing the could do anyway.   His eyes were bright blue and staring into mine when I found him.   His eyes were hazel and they told me the reason his eyes were blue was because the blood had already drained from his head,   He was quite simply my life (just like your wife was yours).   We had no children so I have no support and the thing I find hardest of all to bear in many ways were that his genes died with him.   This World is a very cruel place when the one who loved you unconditionally is gone forever.   All you really want is to join them.   If only it were that easy.   What is the saying, if wishes were horses....I know exactly how you feel and you have to grieve at your own pace,.   It is nearly 3 years for me (5th August) and |I am getting the snide remarks about it being time I got over it (like its a head cold).   What is it with people that they cannot let you be to grieve for however long in takes.    Maybe it will take me the rest of my life - if so I hope with all my heart it will not be a long life.   You seem to have a strong belief system and on the whole I think people who do have that fare better.   I was a scientist so my belief system is full of doubt.   I was brought up in a fairly religious home (my father was church officer at our local church), was in the girls guildrey and was a Sunday school teacher but having chosen science as my profession, my belief is doubting.   I feel for you and all your family at this sad time but this forum will let you vent as much as you need to.

My heart goes out to you Barry, I understand how you feel about not knowing how to get out there.  I too have lost my soul mate five years this past June 26.  You have found an excellent place to find support at this time, these people here are very good.  I wish I had something more to offer you, but I'm feeling confused at this time.  I wanted to say I understood what you mean by every day is grey, it strikes a chord with me.  Prayers to you and all this community.

Barry,

I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad you found us. I don't get over here as much as I had but now that I am home nursing an injured shoulder you might see and hear more from me.

You are, as I have said in the past. part of a club no one wants to be a member of.  The thing you need to know is how you are grieving is right for you. The thing that helped me was when I became part of support group through our local hospice. It showed me I am not alone and I learned how other people were working out their grief which helped me tremendously. I will be more than happy to help look up resources in your area if you wish.

Hello Barry, haven't heard from you on the site for a while, I do hope you are doing ok and taking care of yourself.  If you've time, drop by and say hi.

 

Hugs,

Carol

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