28 hours ago I lost my wife, soul mate, best friend and only companion of my entire adult life. She was diagnosed with lung and adrenal cancer on Sept. 8th, 2010 and passed away yesterday morning Nov. 27th, 2010 in my arms in a hospice ward at a local hospital. She drew her last breath looking in my eyes while I hugged her as her vital signs faded. Rose (my wife) was a month and a few days away from her 56th birthday, I will be 49 at the end of Jan. and we have been living together since 8 days after my 18th birthday.

I am unemployed and actually thankful for that because it allowed me to spend all my time with her since her diagnosis. I cared for her with the help of the Hospice Team at home until the day after Thanksgiving although the last week was extremely difficult as her health rapidly declined. She was moved to the Hospice ward on Friday mid-day and passed Saturday morning, it was quick and without suffering but still painful for both of us as we both knew the end was upon us.

I have no family within 1000 miles and just a couple friends close enough to lend a small bit of support emotionally.

This is not something I would wish on my worst enemy!

Any suggestions are welcome as I am so totally lost and beside myself, I always found strength through my wife.

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Pete, we want to be here for you so just tell us anything. Any questions, if you just need to vent, cry, scream, we have been there and most are still going thru it. In these first weeks you will think you are going crazy cus you have to go thru so much it will be overwhelming. Just take care of what you absolutely must, let anyone who can and will help you, and definitely TAKE CARE OF YOU. You have alot to deal with. We do truly understand so feel free to say or ask anything. Someone will help as best they can.. It's been 9 months for me but yesterday was overwhelming cus my daughter has been living with me since my beloved died and she decided it was time to take down Thanksgiving and decorate for Christmas. What a heartwrenching thought. We did get thru it and the house looks nice but it sure does bring back so many loving thoughts of how much Bill loved this holiday and helped me put up each and every ornament and decoration. Know these days are in the future. Let us be here for you.. Lots and lots and lots of hugs coming your way...
Dear Pete,

I am very sorry for your loss. My dear Douglas passed on July 17, 2009 so I have been on this journey a little longer then you have. But I will tell you this -- I know exactly where you are right now and what you are feeling. Many of our friends and family who have not experienced our tragedy do not have a clue. They will come up with the usual comments -- and some may appear insensitive. Be patient with them -- they mean well. What you will discover is that your life as you knew it stopped the day Rose died but the life of our friends and family continued "as normal" -- we on this site struggle everyday as we discover who we are now. I am going to quote a cliche -- "it does get better" with time. The pain and missing of our loved one will always be with us, but it will become easier to bear. I still cry but not as often and not all day -- and I can actually listen to a favorite song now with just a few tears. Douglas and I were together 32 years. He was my best friend, confident, spouse, counselor, and HERO. I thank Hospice for helping us with the last 10 days of his life. They are angels -- for sure. Douglas accomplished what he was put on this earth to do and then moved on. But I know he is watching over me and that makes life easier to deal with. Douglas's pain stopped on July 17th and mine began, but I am discovering new things about myself everyday. I am stronger than I realize, I have many things to complete before I join Douglas again, and he left me a list of things to follow-up on for him. I was blessed to have been loved by this incredible man. He was a free spirit and the planet is a much better place because he was a part of it. You will get through this and Rose will guide you everyday. Don't look for signs -- they come when you least expect them! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you travel down the road of grief. You are only a few steps behind most of us and will catch up soon. Stay with this site -- it helped me tremendously!!

In peace,

Brigitte
Pete,

You will discover many poems that help you understand or get through some of the dark times. Here is one I always keep on my computer at work and refrigerator at home!

Never alone in this journey of ours.............

I'm gone now, but I'm still very near.
Death can never separate us.
Each time you feel a gentle breeze,
It's my hand caressing your face.
Each time the wind blows,
It carries my voice whispering your name.
When the wind blows your hair ever so slightly,
Think of it as me pushing a few stray hairs back in place.
When you feel a few raindrops fall on your face,
It's me placing soft kisses.
At night look up in the sky and see the stars shining so brightly.
I'm one of those stars and I'm winking at you and smiling with delight.
For never forget you are the apple of my eye.

You have family here, Pete. We get it, we care, and we will always be here to get you through the toughest of times.

Peace,

Brigitte
It has been 4 weeks today that Rose passed. Today was very difficult being Christmas was her most favorite of all holidays. It was a white Christmas here which she wished for most of the years we spent together, first time here in 17 years. No calls from either family, hers, mine, or the children, today not that this is unusual it just stands out more now I am alone without my wife's comfort. I miss her voice, her touch, her smile, the way she held my hand and the joy she brought me just being in a room together.

Hi Pete,

 

I am so sorry to hear about your wife. What you are experiencing is completely normal. I too lost my husband of 32 years on 9/4/2010. My husband was a healthy 52-year-old who died suddenly from an Aortic Dissection. Seven hours of surgery couldn't even save him. God must have wanted him back. Some how he knew he was not here for long by many of the hints in the last two years, particularly his last few months, by many clues he was giving to me and our family. Even as tragic as it was for us, our blessing was myself, our children and our grandchildren were by his side in the ER and he was still able to talk with all of us up until he went into surgery (that was a medical mystery in itself). The MD & Surgeon knew he had slim chance of making it, I as a Registered Nurse, knew the seriousness of his situation. My husband professed his love for me daily to me and let others know his feelings for me as well. He was one-of-a-kind. We were together since I was 15 years old. I'm now 50. He was my "Rock", my bestfriend, my lover, my confidant. He nursed me through my Cancer last year and now I've recovered. Couldn't have gotten through that without him either. Isn't life strange? Here I was the sick one last year with only 20% survival rate, then we thought we got through the hardest time of our life and then this. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to go to Grief Support at least weekly. Going was the first thing I did for myself and without it, I wouldn't have made it as well as I have up to this point. Even though my husband was not a Hospice patient, that is where I go for. It allows you to feel normal in an abnormal situation. The first two months will be your hardest. Once everyone starts going back to their old routines, you'll soon find you will have new routines as your old routines are no longer. The life as you knew it is gone and that is the hardest thing to accept. But, there is hope through the anguise and despair. I have found through this Process, the Loss is getting much easier. I've come a long way since September. There is new light in our future. The best thing I've learned through my Grief Support is to only allow yourself to look for today. Otherwise the prospects of figuring out my future are too overwhelming to handle emotionally. Journaling is another good way to express your feelings to your wife. I too was given the best gift of all in my mourning. I was given the book Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It brings me great comfort to read each day. I also discovered the Station the Joy FM radio. The person that gave me this Book lost his wife two years ago in a brutal murder and he found her. He gave me hope I can get through this difficult time and made me realize I was lucky to have said my goodbyes to my husband, he didn't and has to face the killer over and over through the Trials.

 

Remember, one-day-at-a-time.

 

Lorri

Briggite,

 

Thank you for sharing. What a beautiful Poem. If you don't mind, I too will print and post to remind me, "Yes, I'm still here with you."

 

Lorri

Missing their voice and feeling their touch is the hardest loss to bear. Christmas time especially is hard because it's not the decorating or the gifts its the extra special feeling of love and caring that people share with one another at this time of year and that is what my Joe loved most about the holiday. It has been 4 month since Joe left and there are days when I feel like it was yesterday that he left me here alone. Pete I am so sorry that the family didn't call, know that if it were possible that there is room at my table for you and everyone here that finds themselves alone at this time of year or anytime. I know that I am so very blessed to have my family and my friends with me now and always. Peace to you may you have wonderful dreams of your Rose.

Pete Bronson said:

It has been 4 weeks today that Rose passed. Today was very difficult being Christmas was her most favorite of all holidays. It was a white Christmas here which she wished for most of the years we spent together, first time here in 17 years. No calls from either family, hers, mine, or the children, today not that this is unusual it just stands out more now I am alone without my wife's comfort. I miss her voice, her touch, her smile, the way she held my hand and the joy she brought me just being in a room together.
Pete, I have to agree that this life I would not wish on my worst enemy. My husband of 46 years passed away on Nov. 9th, 2009. I was not able to hold him when he passed. Although I knew he was very sick, I did not have any idea that he was not going to recover. He had been deathly ill before and pulled through, and I believed that he would this time also until I got a call from the hospital at 6:00 a.m. on 11/9 saying that his condition had changed and his heart rate was in freefall. I live only 15 minutes from the hospital but he was gone when I got there. He was my best friend. We were married when I was just over 18. I do have children close to me and very close friend who do offer much support, as well as many friends that I have found on this website. However, I am still alone every night and that hurts sooooo much.
Pete, life is cruel and somehow, and I don't know how, but we all must get through this terrible time in our lives. You can be thankful that you found this website because everyone here does understand what you are feeling because we all all going through the very same thing. Please know that you are in our prayers and thoughts all of the time.

I'm so sorry for your loss Pete.  My love passed away on Sept 5 2010 from his battle with lung cancer.  It seemed like to me he was here and then he went so fast. 

 

I'm still trying to deal with the pain and loneliness.  I can't look too far ahead.  For some reason I have really cried hard today.  I guess going through Christmas has made me feel really alone.  Nothing like it has ever been in years past. 

 

And I look at the new year and think "so what"....what's to look forward to for me. 

 

I hope you are doing better.  I have ups and downs.  It's sad that so many people on this site have to go through the pain we are to understand how we feel.  I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone.

 

Everyone here understands and will help you any way they can or just be here to listen. 

 

Bless you.

I'm so sorry for your loss Pete.  My love passed away on Sept 5 2010 from his battle with lung cancer.  It seemed like to me he was here and then he went so fast. 

 

I'm still trying to deal with the pain and loneliness.  I can't look too far ahead.  For some reason I have really cried hard today.  I guess going through Christmas has made me feel really alone.  Nothing like it has ever been in years past. 

 

And I look at the new year and think "so what"....what's to look forward to for me. 

 

I hope you are doing better.  I have ups and downs.  It's sad that so many people on this site have to go through the pain we are to understand how we feel.  I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone.

 

Everyone here understands and will help you any way they can or just be here to listen. 

 

Bless you.

pete, so sorry that you had a difficult christmas. i know that it was hard for us all even though i am sure much worse for some. it was my first christmas without my husband and i just prayed for God to get me through it and he did. my heart goes out to you because i do know how you feel. i am so glad you found this web site because it does help to be able to share with others that know how you feel. a grief support group in your town would be helpful for you too. my thoughts and prayers are with you. cindy

Pete Bronson said:
It has been 4 weeks today that Rose passed. Today was very difficult being Christmas was her most favorite of all holidays. It was a white Christmas here which she wished for most of the years we spent together, first time here in 17 years. No calls from either family, hers, mine, or the children, today not that this is unusual it just stands out more now I am alone without my wife's comfort. I miss her voice, her touch, her smile, the way she held my hand and the joy she brought me just being in a room together.
Hi Pete, I am so so sorry, you must be hurting like crazy.  My husband left me on December 23, 2009 of silent heart attack and I can imagine your pain.  Give yourself time, you have to feel and live through the pain.  Remember to eat when possible and rest when you can.  I still get up at 4 am and then can't go back to sleep.  We are all here for you and all know exactly how you feel.  I will keep you in my prayers.

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