Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nell R. Hood on September 11, 2010 at 1:32pm

Thanks, Barb, for taking the time to share your good advice. I'm through the depression state and wake up each day and stay busy, That is working for me, just work, do things for other people and trust God.
Thanks, again, Nell

Barb said:

Nell, there are no rules, or timelines for grief. I lost my Brad suddenly on August 5, 2009. I thought I was getting somewhat positive at times, but now after the one year anniversary it has been hitting me again and again. I was told by a grief support group that I am in what they call, "the 12-18 month depression". What next? For me I feel it will be a lifetime process as we spent all of our time together, I will always miss Brad but someday we will walk hand in hand again, and never have to be apart again.
Hang in there, let the tears come and don't hold back. Tears are healing.
I wish I had the magic wand to wave and all of our hearts would be put back together again. Stay with Legacy, its the best way I have found to cope with our feelings. Hugs to you and everyone!

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on September 12, 2010 at 8:23pm

Hi Betsy,
I am new to this also. My husband passed away on August 23. I have been really struggling but am blessed because my daughter and son-in-law live with me so I don't have to come home to an empty house. I know you said it is hard to come home where everything looks the same. I agree. My husband had a corner where he always sat in his recliner. It was tearing me apart to just sit and look at that chair so we rearranged the furniture and I now sit in the recliner. It seems to have helped a little. Just thought I would share this with you. I just ask God daily to give me strength to go on without him. Anytime you need to talk I will be glad to listen.

Permalink Reply by Basia on September 13, 2010 at 9:15am

It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. It's been 5 months and I can't function. The funeral was the easiest so far, its just downhill from there. They are not supposed to die at 43.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on September 13, 2010 at 5:19pm

DITTO!! (except 44 for me and almost 18 months)

Basia said:

It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. It's been 5 months and I can't function. The funeral was the easiest so far, its just downhill from there. They are not supposed to die at 43.

Permalink Reply by Nell R. Hood on September 13, 2010 at 5:32pm

Hi Marlena,

I truly mean it when I say I can understand your depth of loss that nothing can comfort. You just feel that never again will you be happy. Your love is gone and nothing can confort that. But you are so lucky to be young so you will probably find true love again. God just did not intend for man or woman to be alone, but rather joined with a helpmate. I'll pray for you as you grieve, and please pray for me. I am ever so thankful for this website where we can express our deepest hurt. Thanks.

Nell

Marlena said:

DITTO!! (except 44 for me and almost 18 months)

Basia said:

It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. It's been 5 months and I can't function. The funeral was the easiest so far, its just downhill from there. They are not supposed to die at 43.

Permalink Reply by Nell R. Hood on September 13, 2010 at 5:46pm

Hi Basia,
One thing we all have in common, we are hurting to the bonel! There are an awful lot of us on this site who fdeel just as you do. I know I comlpared loosing my parents to loosing my husband. All deaths devastate us, but when you loose that husband's arms comforting you, we feel so betrayed and angry at first. I knpw I did. I had to work through that. As I told someone else, I left work one afternoon, and alone in the car I cried harder than I ever had, beat the steering wheel, and just talked to God and asked "WHY?" We were nearing our retirement years and now he's gone. I just had to let it all out till I could cry no more. Have you taken that step?

Nell

Basia said:

It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. It's been 5 months and I can't function. The funeral was the easiest so far, its just downhill from there. They are not supposed to die at 43.

Permalink Reply by Nell R. Hood on September 13, 2010 at 5:46pm

Hi Basia,
One thing we all have in common, we are hurting to the bonel! There are an awful lot of us on this site who fdeel just as you do. I know I comlpared loosing my parents to loosing my husband. All deaths devastate us, but when you loose that husband's arms comforting you, we feel so betrayed and angry at first. I knpw I did. I had to work through that. As I told someone else, I left work one afternoon, and alone in the car I cried harder than I ever had, beat the steering wheel, and just talked to God and asked "WHY?" We were nearing our retirement years and now he's gone. I just had to let it all out till I could cry no more. Have you taken that step?

Nell

Basia said:

It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. It's been 5 months and I can't function. The funeral was the easiest so far, its just downhill from there. They are not supposed to die at 43.

Permalink Reply by Mary on September 13, 2010 at 8:59pm

Hi Nell,
I am trying to play catch up with all the posts. I was away for the weekend and it can be confusing trying to do that, and with so many new members here (and I am sorry for the loss the new members and all of us are having to go through) it is hard. I don't even see your original post at all, it seems to be missing on my computer.
The grief we are all feeling all by itself is enough. Not only did we lose our spouse, but we lost our futures. That is what our friends and families don't understand, they can't. We all wanted more time with our husbands/wifes, we had plans, things left to do. We, had just retired, and just a couple months later, my husband got his cancer diagnosis and seven months later he was gone. It still doesn't seem possible. We had so looked forward to "us" time. He has been gone now for seven months, seems like yesterday, yet seems like forever also. I so hate being alone, the lonelines and the missing is beyond anything you can ever discribe to someone who hasn't been there.
I was widowed 30 years ago also, at the age of 35. I was lucky enough to be loved by two men, I guess, I can't ask for anything more at this point in my life, but still have to wonder "why" me, twice.
Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on September 13, 2010 at 10:19pm

Nell,

I wish there was some secret comfort out there for all of us, so that we can avoid this deep ache!

I like the title "helpmate"...I keep telling everyone all I need a handyman, nothing more. :)
It's so hard to imagine a future with anyone else and I always have a dozen reasons why. My top two are...First, I couldn't imagine bringing someone else into our house because of my kids, especially my 15 year old son. Even my two girls (24 & 26 yrs) have made it clear they can't imagine anyone else in our lives in that capacity. Second, I think of what Mary said. She has been through this twice now. I cannot imagine caring for someone again and having to go through this torture all over again.

Somedays I feel so rational about my situation. As much as I hate this life that I've been thrown into, I would not have missed our time together just to have avoided this pain. I know that if Tom had a choice he'd still be here with me. As much as I wish I could be with him right now, I know my kids need me and I would never want them to have to go through this pain again any time too soon. It's not fair to them for me to want nothing more than to be with their Dad, I need to be present for them now. They still need their mom! I know all these thoughts are smart and rational, but other days (like today) I'm a little more emotional than rational. These days all the pain and heartache seem magnified, as Basia says, "it's all downhill after the funeral", that's how it feels on these days. As I said before I know I have progressed and without even knowing it I am moving forward, but every now and then I slide backwards a few steps.

Who knows what the future holds. For now, I just keep going along, trying to hang on for dear life.

I'm sending prayers out there for you and for everyone here as we try to make our way in this new world. I do know that eventually this has to become more bearable and life will become manageable. We just have to make our way to that place.




Nell R. Hood said:

Hi Marlena,

I truly mean it when I say I can understand your depth of loss that nothing can comfort. You just feel that never again will you be happy. Your love is gone and nothing can confort that. But you are so lucky to be young so you will probably find true love again. God just did not intend for man or woman to be alone, but rather joined with a helpmate. I'll pray for you as you grieve, and please pray for me. I am ever so thankful for this website where we can express our deepest hurt. Thanks.

Nell

Marlena said:

DITTO!! (except 44 for me and almost 18 months)

Basia said:

It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. It's been 5 months and I can't function. The funeral was the easiest so far, its just downhill from there. They are not supposed to die at 43.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on September 13, 2010 at 10:38pm

Mary,

Welcome back. This has been a busy place while you were away.

I found Nell's post on her "page".

What you said about losing our futures is so true. Everything we ever hoped for, dreamed of, and anticipated has been pulled out from under us. We were not finished living "our" lives.


Mary said:

Hi Nell,
I am trying to play catch up with all the posts. I was away for the weekend and it can be confusing trying to do that, and with so many new members here (and I am sorry for the loss the new members and all of us are having to go through) it is hard. I don't even see your original post at all, it seems to be missing on my computer.
The grief we are all feeling all by itself is enough. Not only did we lose our spouse, but we lost our futures. That is what our friends and families don't understand, they can't. We all wanted more time with our husbands/wifes, we had plans, things left to do. We, had just retired, and just a couple months later, my husband got his cancer diagnosis and seven months later he was gone. It still doesn't seem possible. We had so looked forward to "us" time. He has been gone now for seven months, seems like yesterday, yet seems like forever also. I so hate being alone, the lonelines and the missing is beyond anything you can ever discribe to someone who hasn't been there.
I was widowed 30 years ago also, at the age of 35. I was lucky enough to be loved by two men, I guess, I can't ask for anything more at this point in my life, but still have to wonder "why" me, twice.
Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by carolyn hammett on September 13, 2010 at 11:54pm

I found this site while working on my new business Grievingwristband.com and think you are a wonderful resource I wish I had had 2 1/2 years ago when my partner of 20 years passed away suddenly. The truth is that as folks are saying we all grieve differently. Support is the great healer of sorts. Just a few months before her death I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and her support was so important to me. My family and hers stepped up and somehow I've made it thru until now. My oncologist gave me a prescription for a therapy dog and I was given this tiny gem of a chiahuahua. With her licensed she can go everywhere with me. I belong to a stage 4 cancer support group for women and my darling BJ goes every Wed. with me and goes from lap to lap licking tears and giving great kisses. She is so good there and never barks at all. At home she is quite vocal with my two cats and Barb's dog.

How wise to have gotten a pup to love and I'm sorry I can't recall the name of this person. I seem to still have "chemo brain" so please forgive me. You all sound terrific and I'm so very happy to have run into this group. Bless you all. Carolyn

Permalink Reply by Tracie on September 14, 2010 at 3:17pm

I often think about the blurr of the 1st few weeks after my husband died.I basically laid in bed wearing his sweater not even giving a thought about eating or going out.My only support system, my sister, had to go back home to another state.Here I was- totally alone.I knew after awhile that if I didn`t force myself to get up,I never would.It started with small things-laying my clothes out so after I showered,they`d be ready for me to get into,making myself a really nice meal and trying to enjoy it, going to places that John and I enjoyed but am now going alone.I will tell you it wasn`t easy.Everything is a memory but I knew in my heart that the worst thing I could do to my husbands memory was to NOT carry on and be courageous.He wanted so bad to live and how could I just let myself wither away knowing that? So I chose to live. I started making a effort to eat well, get enough rest and really reflect on the trauma that has been inflicted on me.I started taking some classes at the local college ( and believe me- I have turned into the post it note queen- can`t remember anything without one!)so for me the mental challenge is helpful too.I guess what I`m trying to offer is just try ONE thing today- something that is difficult for you- because next time it won`t be so bad. Prayers and thoughts to all:)

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