Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bc on October 21, 2010 at 9:46pm

Jane, you are absolutely right, take your time, do what you feel is best for you...baby steps. No one but us understands. It is a never ending nightmare. After all, we not only lost our best friends but a part of us also. I just can't get used to living as an "I" not a "we". I'm here for you whenever you need a shoulder. My email is: bchamberlain@wi.rr.com.
Hugs to you!



Jane Favara said:

Hi I'm new to this site I lost my husband and best friend on Dec 8th 2009 it was his 54th birthday.and our 25th anniversity is coming up on Nov 2, I know how you feel I keep thinking that I'll be o.K. and he is watching me and my son. And it seems like a never ending nightmare. I'm still in the shock that he is gone still stage.I don't think I can handle any more steps. I want my pain and everyone else who lost a spouse to go away to. I Know how you feel. I can't sleep in my room no more I swtiched rooms with my son. I can't sit on the couch we sat on together. All I do is cry and nobody understands they keep telling me I'm putting to much stress on myself. And that I should get on with my life. Thats crazy we been together for 30 years how do you go on. My life was taken away from me. If you ever need to talk I will listen anytime. My e-mail address is zx2angel23@yahoo.com

Jane

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 21, 2010 at 10:51pm

Hi Barb,
I believe and I speak only for myself that I would rather not analyze the process, the grief work, the steps, how long it takes to get to a certain place when it comes to what I am going through. I know we all are going through it, but it feels like I'm the only one going through my own pathway. I would rather not look at the bigger picture, even if it means that I know I would feel better one day. That's just me. I discovered after going to a 12-step program since 1979 that whatever I am going through it's just a day at a time. One day at a time. Projecting never helped me. There are plenty of times when I love to analyze, at times I over-analyze, but since we must go through the grief, rather than around it, and without cutting corners, it seems to be in my best interest to take it one day at a time. I can't get through the tears, and the new feelings, and the aloneness and getting better in a hurry, so I have to take it all a day at a time. To me, hurry is the enemy. Where am I hurrying off to, anyway. I do what I can each day, and the results are up to God, like losing weight, or anything, even living without Dan. I know a full healing will be a long time coming, but I'm not going anywhere, so I can only take care of my needs for a 24 hour period.

To me Christmas and the rest of the Holidays are just another day. Whatever happens, will happen. At least now since I stopped cooking, it's kind of bittersweet. I have to think of the memories, but I don't have the stress of the whole dinner plan. I always used to say after preparing the dinner, and cooking the dinner, and getting the table set and finishing the last touches on the cooking food, getting it on the table, eating when our family arrived, washing the plates, glasses, pots and pans and when everything is finally put away back in its place, it was Danny that breathed a sigh of relief. I'd say that every year I always got a big laugh out of him, and he was usually the one who used to joke around. Sometimes I still hear something new he might have said that I know would get a laugh out of me. He is still with me in spirit.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Debbie Treadway on October 22, 2010 at 7:40am

Barb, I hope you are having a better day today. Thanks for the words of encouragement. At least i know that the guily feelings are a part of the process and that it will get better. I have 2 bad Saturdays ahead of me tomorrow the 23rd is the day he passed in Aug. also next Sat the 30th is our anniversary. I have made plans for both days to be with family and friends hoping that will ease the pain a little. I know he would not want me to just sit around the house and mope and cry all day. I am so glad to hear that you are trying to move forward. Even though we have those days when we take a couple of steps backward I know that our husbands would want us to pick ourselves up and start up that mountain again. I have to say that Waymon was not a big holiday person. He loved being with family at that time but wasn't much into the decorations. He was more of a Scrooge. My daughter and I always called him that so I'm hoping that is one part of it that won't be so bad. Thanks for listening and let's keep putting one foot forward. Hugs to you.
Barb said:

Debbie, I have gone through the guilt stage and finally on the first anniversary of Brad's leaving (I still can't say the d word) I decided then and there that he gave me so much, and taught me so much during our time together and he never liked seeing me sad, so I told him that the best gift I could give him was to do one positive thing a day for him. I want him to rest in peace and I know he couldn't if I wasn't trying to live my life the way he would want me to. Its not easy, in fact its as hard as hell sometimes, but then I think of Brad's smile and twinkle in his eyes wanting me to survive this and it makes me try harder. That mountain will always be there but it's up to us to climb it. I dont think any of us are looking forward to the season ahead, I turned Brad from a Scrooge into someone who loved the decorations, and this year I want to try and celebrate with him from Heaven. Let's stick together and see it throuh! Hugs to you!


Debbie Treadway said:

I have read each of you comments and they all seem to apply to me at different times. I too feel guilty when I am happy or enjoying something. I had been having a good couple of days this week and last night when I went to bed all of a sudden i just started crying. It has been 9 weeks but at that moment it felt as if it was just yesterday. I also found two good books on Amazon.com/Finding your way after your spouse dies by Marta Felber and Healing a Spouses grieving heart by Alan Wolfelt. Both have provided me with some comfort and helped me understand a little better why I feel the way I do. I do want to make my husband proud of me so I am going to continue to move forward, even when I have set backs. I hope someday we can each find our own new "normal". Until then I think we just each have to look to God, our families and each other for the strength we need to face each new day. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by bc on October 22, 2010 at 8:32am

Mary, I'm sorry about your daughter's troubles, that is just another thing you have on your plate to deal with. I also am dreading the holidays, last year was bad enough, but I can't seem to have the spirit any more for days like that, but my daughters are here to help me get through it.
I know that horrible time of the year (winter) is almost here, I don't like to think of that either, but you can be sure I'll be sending the "thunder" snow your way. I will think of you everytime I hear it! Hang in there, we will get through this together. Think of March!!


Mary said:

Hi Barb,
I am so sorry you are having a rough time right now. We all have rough times "meltdowns", it just can sneak up on us out of nowhere. Might last for just a little while or for days at a time. I also am dreading the holidays this year, as it will be my first one without Jim. He has only been gone now for 8 1/2 months, seems like a lifetime. It will be hard enough just the fact that he isn't here, and to add to that, my children aren't getting along. It all has to do with my youngest leaving her husband for this other guy. I can't stand him for many reasons. I know he has outstanding warrants and will be in a lot of trouble when the law catches up with him, and my daughter isn't aware of this. Also his health issues. At 32 he has had cancer and two strokes. Now, I know he can't help the cancer, however I suspect the stroke are a side effect of long term drug use, and his warrants also back that up. My daughters life will never be the same, no matter how this ends up. But it is so hard to have them not getting along, when I will need all of their support, just to get through the seasons. I want to crawl under a rock, or dissapear until the new year.

I hope all here are able to get through this difficult time of year. We are all here to support each other. Hey, Barb, with winter coming, I will be looking for "thunder" snow storms. Send them my way if you get any. (Private joke between Barb and I, she understands). Hang in there, my friend. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by bc on October 22, 2010 at 10:02am

Suzanne, I didn't mean to sound like I was analyzing the grief process, I just wanted to let us know that eveything we go through on this journey is normal and not to think that they are alone. I do take one day at a time, but there are days when I feel I'm doing better then it hits me all over again and I know that happens to many of us. In no way am I projecting what may happen. I meant this as hope for all the others whether their loss is recent or happened years ago. Things will get easier to handle but don't give up hope if youhave a meltdown day. I like your attitude towards your situation and hope you have more positive days than not. Hugs to you!


Suzanne said:

Hi Barb,
I believe and I speak only for myself that I would rather not analyze the process, the grief work, the steps, how long it takes to get to a certain place when it comes to what I am going through. I know we all are going through it, but it feels like I'm the only one going through my own pathway. I would rather not look at the bigger picture, even if it means that I know I would feel better one day. That's just me. I discovered after going to a 12-step program since 1979 that whatever I am going through it's just a day at a time. One day at a time. Projecting never helped me. There are plenty of times when I love to analyze, at times I over-analyze, but since we must go through the grief, rather than around it, and without cutting corners, it seems to be in my best interest to take it one day at a time. I can't get through the tears, and the new feelings, and the aloneness and getting better in a hurry, so I have to take it all a day at a time. To me, hurry is the enemy. Where am I hurrying off to, anyway. I do what I can each day, and the results are up to God, like losing weight, or anything, even living without Dan. I know a full healing will be a long time coming, but I'm not going anywhere, so I can only take care of my needs for a 24 hour period.

To me Christmas and the rest of the Holidays are just another day. Whatever happens, will happen. At least now since I stopped cooking, it's kind of bittersweet. I have to think of the memories, but I don't have the stress of the whole dinner plan. I always used to say after preparing the dinner, and cooking the dinner, and getting the table set and finishing the last touches on the cooking food, getting it on the table, eating when our family arrived, washing the plates, glasses, pots and pans and when everything is finally put away back in its place, it was Danny that breathed a sigh of relief. I'd say that every year I always got a big laugh out of him, and he was usually the one who used to joke around. Sometimes I still hear something new he might have said that I know would get a laugh out of me. He is still with me in spirit.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on October 22, 2010 at 10:56am

Barb, Moving on is not a sentance that should apply to someone who has lost a spouse. My Best friend left me 9 weeks ago and I still am trying to figure out what even happened it was so fast. But like I tell people he was my life for 33 years I am not moving on I am starting a new chapter of adventures. Doing things I have never done before. I know it's hard but you sound like a pretty strong woman, I know my Joe would want me to still experience things even without him that's where the learning curve is, the alone part. My thoughts and prayers are with you to find peace and to have you remember he is always there loving you and your son.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 22, 2010 at 12:17pm

Dear Barb,
I was using my own ideas and incorporating them into an answer to your title, 'How many more steps' and hope you don't think I was suggesting that you were analyzing. This is why I think it is at a little bit of a disadvantage by posting and replying without being face-to-face. Things can mean different things depending on how one reads them. Sometimes I have a tendency to get all of my thoughts out to simplify things for myself. I understand that you are correct in what you were saying. Many, many times I have just posted just to get my thoughts out just as you did. It helps me and sometimes it is a rhetorical question that doesn't require an answer. All you said is something to think about. You need to get all what you are thinking out, as does everyone. You're right, it is not easy to handle. Somtimes I am saying things to others and I am also saying these things to myself. I want to take it a day at a time, so when I say the words to others, I may learn from my own words. I think that whatever we feel right now is normal for us, like a new normal. I do know how you feel, and the feelings have to be acknowledged first before they can be worked out. It is all so difficult to bear, sometimes almost too difficult. I pray you have better days. Peace to you and ((Hugs))
Suzanne


Barb said:

Suzanne, I didn't mean to sound like I was analyzing the grief process, I just wanted to let us know that eveything we go through on this journey is normal and not to think that they are alone. I do take one day at a time, but there are days when I feel I'm doing better then it hits me all over again and I know that happens to many of us. In no way am I projecting what may happen. I meant this as hope for all the others whether their loss is recent or happened years ago. Things will get easier to handle but don't give up hope if youhave a meltdown day. I like your attitude towards your situation and hope you have more positive days than not. Hugs to you!


Suzanne said:

Hi Barb,
I believe and I speak only for myself that I would rather not analyze the process, the grief work, the steps, how long it takes to get to a certain place when it comes to what I am going through. I know we all are going through it, but it feels like I'm the only one going through my own pathway. I would rather not look at the bigger picture, even if it means that I know I would feel better one day. That's just me. I discovered after going to a 12-step program since 1979 that whatever I am going through it's just a day at a time. One day at a time. Projecting never helped me. There are plenty of times when I love to analyze, at times I over-analyze, but since we must go through the grief, rather than around it, and without cutting corners, it seems to be in my best interest to take it one day at a time. I can't get through the tears, and the new feelings, and the aloneness and getting better in a hurry, so I have to take it all a day at a time. To me, hurry is the enemy. Where am I hurrying off to, anyway. I do what I can each day, and the results are up to God, like losing weight, or anything, even living without Dan. I know a full healing will be a long time coming, but I'm not going anywhere, so I can only take care of my needs for a 24 hour period.

To me Christmas and the rest of the Holidays are just another day. Whatever happens, will happen. At least now since I stopped cooking, it's kind of bittersweet. I have to think of the memories, but I don't have the stress of the whole dinner plan. I always used to say after preparing the dinner, and cooking the dinner, and getting the table set and finishing the last touches on the cooking food, getting it on the table, eating when our family arrived, washing the plates, glasses, pots and pans and when everything is finally put away back in its place, it was Danny that breathed a sigh of relief. I'd say that every year I always got a big laugh out of him, and he was usually the one who used to joke around. Sometimes I still hear something new he might have said that I know would get a laugh out of me. He is still with me in spirit.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Connie Elder on October 22, 2010 at 1:03pm

Hi , I haven't left this site. I read everyone story that comes through but, lately I just spend my days and nights crying and find it hard to talk about Bill. Christmas is coming and it will be very hard because the whole family has always come to our house. I'm trying to call it off but, everyone refuses to listen to me. They keep saying that Bill would of wanted me to keep up the tradition. I do not want to cook, bake or entertain. Not this year anyway. It's only been 5 months and I am not happy in this home without him. Just too many memories. I miss his smile and teasing me when I get frustrated when things are not running smooth. He use to say "Connie, it's not the end of the world" and then smile. I will never hear that again. My family means well but, they are not here with me and see the condition I really am in. My daughter says I need help but, I don't want to go through talking about his death again. Even though I knew for 5 years he was going to die I just wasn't prepared.They promised me 10 years and I only got 5. I know it wasn't the doctors fault that he got very sick but, I just don't want to see one for a while. I hate taking pills and just know that's what they will do. They put me on some when he was on life support for 8 days and I hated it.
Thank you everyone for listening to me. We will all need each other through these next 2 holidays.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on October 22, 2010 at 1:44pm

Hi Connie E.,
This will be my first holidays with a totally different spin as well. Without Danny here with me, the first of its kind, I know I won't cook and both of my sons invited me to their house and I already know where I have chosen. I'll put on a happy face and get through each day somehow. But I really do commiserate with you on how you feel. With me, it's a little different, and I think after I explain you may understand why. I think you may feel worse than me. Since after 9/11 things went down from there. Lots of personal emotional times and Dan and I both gradually stopped the preparing of the turkey dinner and the kids and grandkids over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, the buying and wrapping of presents, decorations, the hanging of Cards on the wall, the Christmas tree, the whole bit, the holiday movies, the local parade, listening to music. We did it for 21 years by this point and he and I had already begun our descent from the Christmas spirit, so in a sense we both grieved for lost memories of the early days and just didn't want to do it anymore. In 07, the Thanksgiving which was the month before he went in for his 9 hour surgery, on the day before Thanksgiving the maintenance where we live decided that the only day they said they had to paint our walls was the day before the holiday. No turkey dinner that year, the next month on Christmas I went to visit him as I had been every day, and he had the nasal feeding tube since the surgery on 12/21/07 so could only be given liquids through the tube while I sat quietly and ate the hospital complimentary ham dinner, Dan said he didn't mind watching me eat. I had higher hopes then, not realizing he wouldn't be with me much longer. The following year in 08' he had to keep getting his stretching of his esophagus the kids had their own meals in their own places and I used the P.C. all day and he slept. On Christmas of 08' Dan said let's make lasagna, that's easy enough to eat, so I never thought in a million years I would be making lasagna on Christmas Eve when the kids came over to visit, neither of us are Italian, so it was just kind of weird for me. But I didn't have any because Dan gave the rest of the lasagna to one of our son's and I was planning on having the leftover for my Christmas dinner but didn't want to make a scene. The next year. No Thanksgiving turkey dinner, no Christmas turkey dinner, no gifts, no nothing. He passed away on January 22, and that was that. I stopped cooking completely. I just give gift cards and so, with me I have already grieved for all holidays and I think my heart is turning somewhat hardened because even though I've come a long way, 9 months today, I am beginning not to care about the whole holiday scene. I am going to try to avoid anything on TV that reminds me of Halloween (the sights of this tradition offend me now) Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I have to be strong and will allow myself to cry if I need to on January 22nd. After which I will give into my feelings and continue the grief process, but for now I have to take just a day at a time. I don't want to go back and start my old mantras about 'no joy in my life' and 'my life is over' as I don't want my family/loved ones to hear that from me. So, I really, really know how you feel, and I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. You know how you feel, and I think you should do whatever you feel is right for you, it's just a thought, but maybe for your family's sake you could just see how it goes. I know we all have our own way of dealing with this. I'm no expert, you can always share on legacy and whoever you have for support to go to. I will keep you (and everyone) in my prayers every day as I have been and will continue to remember you, Connie. Sending you ((Hugs)) Hugs are good, as Raymond always says.
God Bless,
Suzanne


Connie Elder said:

Hi , I haven't left this site. I read everyone story that comes through but, lately I just spend my days and nights crying and find it hard to talk about Bill. Christmas is coming and it will be very hard because the whole family has always come to our house. I'm trying to call it off but, everyone refuses to listen to me. They keep saying that Bill would of wanted me to keep up the tradition. I do not want to cook, bake or entertain. Not this year anyway. It's only been 5 months and I am not happy in this home without him. Just too many memories. I miss his smile and teasing me when I get frustrated when things are not running smooth. He use to say "Connie, it's not the end of the world" and then smile. I will never hear that again. My family means well but, they are not here with me and see the condition I really am in. My daughter says I need help but, I don't want to go through talking about his death again. Even though I knew for 5 years he was going to die I just wasn't prepared.They promised me 10 years and I only got 5. I know it wasn't the doctors fault that he got very sick but, I just don't want to see one for a while. I hate taking pills and just know that's what they will do. They put me on some when he was on life support for 8 days and I hated it.
Thank you everyone for listening to me. We will all need each other through these next 2 holidays.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on October 22, 2010 at 10:31pm

dear barb, i am sorry that you are having some meltdowns lately. i know you are a very strong person and you want to make brad proud of you. i can tell by your postings that you may have some rough times but for the most part you are a strong enough person that you will be able to make it through those rough times . i only wish that i could be just half as strong as you. it has been almost 8 months for me now since i lost my husband and i feel like i am moving backwards instead of forwards. i really dont even post as much as i use to, i am afraid i might sound too depressing.i hate to think about the holidays. i almost go into a panic attack if i allow myself to think about them for any length of time. this will be my first holiday season without the one that i love.i will be praying for all of the people on this site to make it through .

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 22, 2010 at 10:37pm

Margarita, its been 18 months for me. Yes, we will have ups and down days. We are all here for each other. I have LouAnns ashes in a box on the computer and it doesnt bother me or anyone else. I am saving up money to spread her ashes in Colorado where we lived for ten years.Wont happen for a while but that was her wish.Hugs to you and to everyone. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by bc on October 22, 2010 at 11:09pm

Cindy, thanks for your kind words. People are always telling me I'm strong, but I don't think so. I only try to be as strong as I can because Brad taught me to be that way and what good would it do if I didn't try and be strong? It will be 15 months on November 5th for me and I do still have those days when I don't think I can go on, but somehow I do. I know Brad sends me angels to encourage me and help me to go on. I'm sure your loved one does the same thing, its just that its so early on your journey you can't realize it yet, but that day will come. Don't ever be afraid to post anything you feel, that's what we are all here for. You are not being depressing. You have to let it out, and let the tears come. I was told that tears are a gift from God, they are healing, not a sign of weakness.
I'm not looking forward to the holidays either, last year I just wanted to be by myself with a fire in the fireplace and no one wanted me to be alone. But that's what I wanted. I did join the family on Christmas Eve for a short time, then went home and did what I wanted to do. Yes I cried my eyes out, but thought of Brad in heaven celebrating Christmas, what better place to be? This year I don't expect it to be much better but we will get through it. Just do what you want and what makes you feel better. Please keep in touch. Hugs to you, hugs are good and hugs are real as Randy says.
I'm praying for you always.
Barb

CINDY POWELL said:

dear barb, i am sorry that you are having some meltdowns lately. i know you are a very strong person and you want to make brad proud of you. i can tell by your postings that you may have some rough times but for the most part you are a strong enough person that you will be able to make it through those rough times . i only wish that i could be just half as strong as you. it has been almost 8 months for me now since i lost my husband and i feel like i am moving backwards instead of forwards. i really dont even post as much as i use to, i am afraid i might sound too depressing.i hate to think about the holidays. i almost go into a panic attack if i allow myself to think about them for any length of time. this will be my first holiday season without the one that i love.i will be praying for all of the people on this site to make it through .

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