I don't post everyday, but some daus I post several times. I come back as I feel he need. Blessings to us all. I pray God grants us ALL peaceful sleep & rest.
Dear Deb ... I am so glad you decided to come back to your family on this forum as we are here to pick each other up when we fall down; cry together and laugh together. It is not common at first to feel we can just pick up with our new life and move forward (grief is a tricky little beast.) I too went through that feeling, but it came back center stage and I had to deal with it and I am still dealing with it. The fact your friend was there took your mind off your grief, but once she left you once felt alone again (don't forget we are here!)
All the feelings you have are normal. You pushed your grief away when your friend was there and now you have to deal with it as we all do. You are not going crazy, but reality has set in. I am so sorry you do not have friends or family (we are here!) I have no children; small family and I seldom hear from my brother. Out of the many friends Ernie and I had only a very few stayed by my side to help when I needed it. Sometimes while grieving and trying to find our new way of life (quite the journey for all of us) we will leave some friends behind and make new ones and that's OK. YOU have done nothing wrong as far as the feeling you have exhausted others by talking about your grief. If they are your true friends they would not mind listening to you. I am fortunate that way. Those who do not want to hear me bring my Ernie up, I consider it disloyal to his memory and sometimes I just laugh about a memory he pulled off in the past and it is not always about my feelings of sadness. Friends who understand and are intelligent enough should know that there is no time limit to grief.
Happiness is even a few seconds when through the grief you are going through right now is to be able to laugh over something silly; laughing at something someone said and realizing that the time you had with your loved one near you was a miracle in itself and now that your loved one has gone you will go on in their memory. Although you may not feel it right now, there will be new friends in your life; there is your family here on this forum if you so choose and you will see a light at the end of the dark tunnel.
I am so glad you are going to a Grief Support Group. It certainly will help ease some of your grief. I have read a good book called, 'Widow to Widow' and there are several good books out there.
It is my honor to listen to you and your heart and love to us all is so appreciated because we know you are in emotional pain, but hon, we're here for you so please keep coming back!!!! We certainly do share the same bond and we are all in different stages of grief. As time goes by the grief will lift a little at a time and eventually you'll smile again and have a life you deserve.
My best to you too Deb and wishing you peaceful days ahead.
A HUGE hug (because you need it ... wish I was there in person.)
Faith ... thanks for popping in and I sure hope things are going a little better for you. Prayers go out to you and others on this forum.
Dear Deb ... glad you came back to us ... your family!
Deb, we have much in common. I was caregiver to my Ernie for 7 years as well. He started out with losing weight and it came down to Celiac Disease. He began to feel better and packed all his weight back on. We were so thrilled and I never dreamed he would end up dying. Each year was something different with him; he became depressed; withdrew from me; his personality changed where he didn't want to socialize or see his friends and this just was not my Ernie. You know the stress of being caregiver. Then back in the hospital he went again in great pain and they found a large tumor under his tongue (non cancerous) but the surgery was horrific on him. Then he had a small tumor on his pancreas and we were led to believe it was caught in time so we both went in on his day of whipple surgery with high hopes only to find the cancer had spread to his liver. That 7 years I gave from my heart to him and it didn't matter that he was aging rapidly or becoming frail .. he was the love of my life! Just like you it was a gift I wanted to give him ... just being there to encourage him and try to make his life a little easier; yet feeling hopeless inside knowing what the outcome was going to be and I had several 'shower cries.' The only time I dare let my true feelings show.
Yes, we do understand how you feel. Some on the forum are lucky to have large families; grown children or grandchildren, but there are some of us here that have no children; perhaps no family or a small family; perhaps a friends or two or no friends at all. Your wounded heart is too fresh yet in order for you to keep too busy because the grief exhausts us. It is important you go by how you feel. You may just want to sleep for the first while just to escape into peaceful sleep. You may want to see someone or you may not. Do what you feel you are capable of doing. If you don't have a cat or dog may I suggest you consider it if at all possible. I have 2 little dogs that are a great comfort for me (I use to take them to the hospital to visit Ernie.) DO NOT apologize for how you feel. It is normal and a part of grieving. It is not self pity at all, but the hole in your heart has to heal with time and in your time frame and we are here to help you get to that point.
The Chaplain at the grief support is WRONG. Depression is certainly part of grieving!!!! I went to the Hospice for grief counseling and we discussed that. How can one not be depressed when they have lost their loved one after so many years together and it takes every ounce of energy to get through every second of every day. It is a natural emotion and grief is something necessary we have to go through no matter how painful it is. I will send you a link to the steps of grief and you can print it out and give it to the Chaplain. There is such a thing as 'Secondary Grief' where the grief can go on for years causing depression and not allowing the person to move forward.
Deb, unless someone has gone through the loss of a spouse they can't possibly understand how we feel, but good friends can get a general idea. I still cry off and on; I've lost a great deal of weight; my stomach burns from acid reflux from the stress; I too feel alone at times and at my age I wonder what future I will ever have. That's enough to depress anyone. Like you and your husband, Ernie and I did everything together as well and suddenly they are gone and our life has been turned upside down. Ernie was my soul mate and we were so very close.
You will never get over the loss of your husband, but the pain will ease and you will move on in life. I know it doesn't feel like you can handle all the pain; the loneliness and fear that many of us feel, but we do take baby steps and things do get a little better in time.
I too sure wish all of us were together meeting somewhere so we could hug each other and talk; laugh and cry together.
Well hi there sis!!!!! I am proud of having you as part of my family. It's my honor. Lean on us!!!! Just tell us how you feel and how you are doing.
Big hug to you hon (I check into the forum and your sis here is keeping an eye on you to try and help.)
Deb Wells said:
Dear Marcie, Faith and Marge,
Thank you all so much.
Marcy what beautiful spoken words, they touched my heart. Thank you so much.
Marge, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. It sounds as though we have allot in common. My prayers go out to you.
I struggle each day to try to find a reason, a purpose to live. I was a care giver for my husband for seven years, the last three were very hard on me as he spiraled downward with Alzheimer's and cancer. Here I am all alone, just me without close friends nearby and I have lost a few friends that I thought were my true friends.
I could die in this house and no one would know and that frightens me. I know i sound pathetic and I apologize.
Marge, my friend contacted my husband and he told her I did more for him than he ever could do for me and for me to know he loves me..
I am crying now I miss him so much. I feel no one understands how I feel. The pain in my heart, the over-whelming loss. People tell me I should be busy but I don't have the energy to be involved in life, if that sounds quirky I apologize but I have no energy or desire to be social. I try not to wallow in my self pity but I devoted my life to my husband because I wanted to. He was my everything.
I am depressed major and the Champlain at the grief support told me that Depression is not one of the symptoms of grief but everything I have read says it is so.
I am amazed that NO ONE seems to identify with how I feel except all of you. I can't take 38 years of a union and over a short period of time, get on with my life. I love my husband so so much. He was everything to me. We had no children together, we did everything together. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidante, he was my everything.
I don't know if I will get over this loss and survive. I am just powerfully engrossed with pain, sadness, despair, emptiness, you name it..I feel it. I can't see a future full of happiness.
I sure wish we were together so I could hug you and cry, as you know what I am experiencing.
Thank you for listening. I have adopted you as my "family" and I so badly need you to be here for me, I fondly embrace you all.
Nameste, from my heart to yours,
My husband died September 30, 2012. I am reading what everyone wrote and I see I am not the only one on a roller coaster of emotions. My husband was very sick for 50 days, so I started to say good-bye to him in the beginning of his illness.
This grief thing is awful. I don't feel the depression that you all write about, I feel an immense sadness and anger at the waste of a life. It's not fair, it's just not fair, but that's the way it is.
I think you are all very brave to continue on, in spite of your grief. Our lives have changed so much, and that is the hardest part, coping with the change. It is overwhelming, constant, and must be endured.
What we would give for an hour with them!