I really didn't want to post because I am not living what others would determine the best possible healing process.  I tried to avoid letting anyone know that on my road of grief I haven't done any better than when my husband first passed away on January 22, 2010.  There were brief respites when I was one step forward, but then went 2 steps back and I find that the beginning of the second year I am becoming reclusive and very depressed.  I didn't want to discourage anyone who is new, but we each are on our own individual paths.  I don't really see how my life is going to get better.  A purpose for why I am here is all I can think to ask God to reveal to me, but I have lost interest in everything.  I just go through the motions of daily living.  I had the opportunity to take an antidepressant but I decided it's not going to bring my husband back, and I stopped taking medication for anxiety because I keep hearing about getting off from benzo drugs can bring horrible withdrawal symptoms, so I weaned myself off with the help of my primary doctor before I was on them for too long.  I still feel anxious, depressed, and waking up every day knowing he is not here any more is the worst pain imaginable, but I realized whether I take medication or not, it's not going to change anything.  I am still heartbroken.  I just don't want to do anything any more, not without him.  I don't want to listen to music, eat, use the computer, play games, talk to anyone, I just wait for the Lord to call me.  I only watch TV for a distraction, even then I zone out, get anxious, and get drowsy.  I don't like to laugh anymore, I only do it when I'm with family, and I don't want to depend on my family to babysit me, they all have their own lives. 

 

So, I know this is not very uplifting but I just needed to get out what's been going on with me.  I want everyone to know that I remember you all in my prayers, the newcomers as well.  I check in here but I am so sorry I haven't been able to provide any words of advice or comfort, because I feel the exact same way as you.  I wish there was something I could say that would help.  Whenever I get my thoughts and feelings out, it is a relief of pressure, especially when others who know how I feel are understanding and supportive.  Not so with others who have not gone through this.

God bless,

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Replies to This Discussion

Suzanne, I am so sorry you are feeling so depressed. I wish I had words of comfort for you but as you understand, we are all going thru so much that we just don't have happy words of comfort for each other. We are here to listen and send hugs. Please discuss these feelings with your doctor though. Weaning off the med's might not have been the best idea aferall. Depression can be very debilitating and dangerous. Be sure what you are feeling is really the grief process and not something more (not meaning this isn't enough of course.) Take care of yourself.
SUZANNE, I WANT TO START OUT BY SAYING I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR HOW YOU ARE FEELING. I WISH THEIR WERE SOME MAGIC WAND I COULD WAVE TO MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY. SECONDLY I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I ADMIRE THAT YOU WENT AHEAD AND POSTED EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE TRULY FEELING. I FIND MYSELF FEELING ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE HOW YOU SAY YOU ARE FEELING BUT HAVE BEEN SO SCARED TO POST. I KNOW THAT IT WILL BE A YEAR FOR ME ON THE 26TH OF THIS MONTH, AND I FEEL WORSE, NOT ANY BETTER. I HATE TO DISCOURAGE ANY OF THE NEW PEOPLE HERE ON THE SITE SO I JUST COME HERE AND READ AND ONCE IN AWHILE ADD A COMMENT. NONE OF US EVER ASKED FOR THIS KIND OF A LIFE, HOWEVER I SEE THAT SOME OF US SEEM TO BE ABLE TO MOVE ON ALOT BETTER THAN OTHERS. I DO WISH THAT NONE OF US HAD TO HURT SO BAD. I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE ENDED WITH ROGER AND I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO STOP.I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN AND DESPAIR SUZANNE AND I WILL ALWAYS KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.

Suzanne,

This is why we are all here...to help each other through these dark days.  We are here to listen as you vent, scream, cry...whatever it is you need to do.  We all understand.  I know it isn't any comfort, but what you are going through is still a normal part of the process.  I know you have just made it through all of the firsts and truthfully, the seconds aren't any better.  Just because you have made it through the first year does not mean you should instantly feel "better"...you are still feeling hurt, sad, lonely, etc....

I remember from about the Thanksgiving of Tom's first year being gone until about June of the following year I was at my lowest point and Tom's year anniversary was that March.  So, for a good six months or so I could not function.  I did what I had to do, but nothing else.  I felt like a zombie just going through each day.  It's okay to give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel.  As some point you will realize that you are making progress...it may be simple progress, but any progress is good. 

Don't ever forget we are all here to listen and to help you through whatever you are going through...we have all been there or will be at some point. 

Take care of yourself...be careful weaning yourself, it's good you are doing it the help of your primary physician.

You are never alone...Hugs and comfort to you.

There is no right or wrong,time limits,or depth of grief.I thought after almost 6 months,i was beginning to do pretty well,but was I wrong.I think as time goes by and the initial shock starts to wear off,the reality of loss and the finallity of our losses really starts to mean something.You have to become a single person again,re-invent yourself,find new interests,or at least go back to some old ones.I watch tv and movies for pure excape,and find that I like to re-watch movies i've seen many times.it's familiar,mindless,and I don't have to think about it.I do work,part time,but mostly I can work from home,which I don't recommend.We need to get out and make contact with people.I am going back to tutoring in an after-school program for 4th and 5th graders which I love,and kids always make me feel better,as I taught for years.

Use the heartbreak to do something meaningful.It's hard to start,but once you take that step,it feels right.

God hasn't called us yet for a reason,and I am going to find out what it is.

 

Suzanne,  Many of us are going through the same grieving process that you are going through.  Suzanne, I can't sleep unless I put my husband's picture on the pillow next to me so that when I wake up in the morning I see him.  I do not know what I am doing with anything.  We made all our decisions together.  I am not good at doing it alone.  Suzanne,  I pray for God to take me with him.  My children would be so upset if they knew how I really feel.  I work really hard at not letting them know.  I cannot do the things that I did when he was here.  I always liked to do needlepoint and cross stitching.  He would sometimes get a little annoyed that I was sitting and sewing instead of watching tv.  Although I was sitting next to him, he would ask me to put it down and I would for a while.  I don't want to live without him.  I even bought cigarettes because I know that they are not good for my heart and I just don't care.  I am calling the hospital to get information on a living will because I don't want my children to have to make a decision on what should be done in the event that I get sick.  I understand how you are feeling.  I am still taking sleeping pills and antidepressants because without them I cannot sleep at all.  I have his pictures all over the house so that I can feel like he is still with me.  I go to the cemetery to be near him even that I know it is just his physical body and his soul is no longer there.  Suzanne,  I was married at 18.  Phil was my life.  We were together all the time and did everything together.  I have great kids but they cannot replace their father.  You are absolutely right in that our children all have their own lives to live and I don't want them babysitting me.  It is bad when I wake up in the morning and it is even worse when I go to bed at night.  I do listen to music, especially music from the late '50's and 60's.  The music that was popular when we were dating.  Many of the songs remind me of places we were and things that we did listening to that music.  I will NEVER look for another man.  I could not be less interested in finding someone else.  Phil was the only man I ever slept with and there will never be another.  Suzanne,  I do wish that you would call me so that we could talk and maybe it would help the both of us.  Tonight I went out with my friend who lost her husband almost 12 years ago.  Today was her husband's birthday and I did not want her at home thinking about him.  She is always here for me too.  I am very lucky to have her because she does understand what I am feeling.  I do read some of the posts on this site but I feel like I don't know any of these people and I don't feel that there is anything more that I can offer.  Suzanne I do remember you and Danny in my prayers.  I hope that we can both get through this someday.  Or that we get reunited with our husbands one day soon so that we do not have to live like this for a long time.  Please, if you feel like talking, give me a call.  I think you have my phone number but if you don't, just let me know and I will send it to you.

I'm sorry you are still in so much pain Suzanne, I just passed the 5 months mark and can't even envision the 5 year mark.  I find I'm ok when I go to work, but the days off are different.  I sure some of it is being inside the home when it's too cold to go outside.  Hopefully in the spring I will want to get out more.  I have a week vacation coming up in a couple of weeks.  I plan to keep busy around the house doing things I've been wanting to do but not on my days off. 

 

I've found when I watch tv that some of the shows trigger the tears inside me.  I should be watching different kinds of shows I suppose that don't trigger memories or tears.

 

I wish I had something to say to make you feel better, even for a little while.  I too can see no other love in my future. 

 

The thing that works for me is when the crying or depression start to get up and do some kind of work around the house or visit a friend or family.  You still have to come home to an empty house, but you do get a break from the pain. 

 

God bless you in your journey.

Thank you all for sharing here, it is so comforting to know we are not alone-although none of of wish this agony on anyone, it is nice to know others relate. I began taking anti-anxiety pills on a as need basis at Christmas. They only prescribed 15 tabs which I carefully held on to until taking the last one last week

(39 days later). I could have easily taken 1 each day, but don't want to become dependant on anything. Anyway, my point is I had to go in for Dr. check up last week and the doctor, completely clueless to the grief of a surviving spouse, made me feel like I should be locked up in a mental ward because I confessed that I "do not want to be here anymore." She took that as a suicide statement! I told her very clearly that many, if not most of us feel or have felt this way after losing our life partner. That does NOT mean I am considering suicide, it simply means life has lost its appeal- for now anyway. If the world at large only knew... Everyone I've spoken to here has been so encouraging and has offered so much love. I am so thankful for each of you-God Bless, Christy

Suzanne, i am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I do understand how you feel about not wanting to be here anymore. I have those feelings sometimes, but then i think I do not yet have grandchildren but when i do I want to be here to tell them what a great man their grandpa was and how much he would have enjoyed them.  I agree with Kathy you need to discuss your feelings with your doctor.

He may decide that you need to be back on the meds for a while. The medicines will not mend your broken heart but maybe they will help you to cope with everyday life until you can do it without them. I take meds for depression and they do seem to help. Please always feel that you can say anything that you want to here. Hopefully something that is said here will uplift you and God will reveal your reason for being here. Just always know that people here are always ready to listen and never feel like you only have to post uplifting things here.  Please take care of yourself and know that I will be praying for you daily

Suzanne, When I read your post, it was like reading exactly what I am feeling. Next week on the 15th, my Neal will have been gone 4 months. I panic when I think about the fact that I have the rest of my life without him with me. I can not bear to think that he will never come back. My doctor has changed my antidepressant because even after doubleing the dosage on the first kind it was not working. I was also seeing a counselor, but I have decided not to go back. It seemed all she said was that I needed to start going through Neal's clothes and cleaning out his stuff. I told my doctor and he said it was too early for me to even think about that. I too watch TV for distraction. I watch reruns because I do not have enough concentration to keep up with the story line on anything. I used to be an avid reader. But I can't read anymore. I just can't concentrate anymore.

 

I have great family support, but they just do not understand fully how I feel. I have 2 sons and I have tried to tell them how much I miss their Daddy, but they are just so worried about me I don't think they understand. Plus they are still grieving for their Daddy. Both of my sons come and see my everyday and call every nite. They invite me to eat with them every nite. I tell them Thank you, but I'll stay home. I also do not want to depend on my family to baby sit me as they both have their own lives.

 

Mine and Neal's 41st anniversary is February 20th. I just can not bear to be here at home so I am going to see my aunt in Florida. It is one of those things where I can not bear to be here, but I am having panic attacks thinking about leaving home.

 

Maybe all of us together can help each other by sharing our feelings. I hope so. Hugs to everyone.

Hi Linda,

I am so sorry for your loss and I wish I could have responded sooner as I wanted to let you know that today at the Hospice grief meeting I attend regularly, the 2 bereavement leaders of the group as well as 2 others who have been attending the meetings all told me how much I have changed.  I don't see it, but judging from what they told me, even though I still feel the same way as when I started the meetings last April, it is possible to live with our sadness and all that goes along with the territory of grieving.  I am amazed that they think I'm doing better.  I don't understand how they think I'm changing but I guess it's inevitable.  So, even though things seem like their darkest right now, with the support of others like the friends I have found here at legacy, we can't help but change.  I hope you have some kind of peace as you grow and discover all that there is to know about what we're going through.  I guess I have, but I'm still in pain and I know you are too.  I still feel panicky sometimes but it doesn't last as long as it once did.  Sometimes I weep or have pangs of lonliness and sadness but I know at the time that on the following day the feelings go away for a while, thank God, while I am being distracted by the routine of life and my family helps and it helps me to share my feelings at legacy, so I hope you keep talking or sharing with anyone who you feel understands until you feel you have talked for as long as you need to.  This is such a good place to have our feelings validated and I have found relief.  A little understanding goes a very long way in this, the worst time in our lives.

 

I was really shocked when you said that your counselor told you that you have to get rid of his belongings.  I don't know of anyone that would tell you to do that.  Obviously the counselor you had did not lose their spouse.  I do not exaggerate when I tell you that no one who knows what's best for you would tell you to do that.  I have found that there is no one right or wrong way to grieve.  With regards to taking care of our spouse's clothes the right time to do that is when you decide it's the right time to do it.  Getting rid of our loved one's possesions/clothes has nothing to do with "getting better" or "healing" for only we each can know when and if it is time.  I hope you would consider another counselor but one that specializes in grief.  They may not have all the answers, but someone that is on our side and is supportive is what we need when we are feeling this emotional roller coaster. 

 

Each and every one of us has to decide for ourselves what we need to do, so I am just speaking for myself here.  There came a time that whenever anyone asked me to go out I would go, since I don't have my own transportation and it helped me in a huge way to have something to look forward to, or to have company or a distraction or a diversion, but it's up to you.  It's just a suggestion.  You could just try it to see if it helps.  I know it's so hard, and I feel exactly the same way as you and I have to admit that going out with family and friends whether they understood me or not, really did help me in the long run, even though I still feel and think the way I do, it got me through because now I realize that we must be kind to ourselves and who is more deserving to have kindness than us.

 

I'm so glad that you are able to get away when you would rather not stay as it would be more painful.  You will be coming back to the security of 'home' so in my opinion visiting your Aunt would be a very good way to look at life from a different perspective.  Maybe by taking deep breaths and meditating it would help should you decide to go.  I know you will do what is 'right' for you and I will remember you in my prayers.   We are all here for one another and for you, because although our stories may vary, the pain is the same.  Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

 

Hi Suzanne,

Thank you for responding to my rambling. Sometimes it is so hard to put into words exactly what I want to say. I have to tell you that last nite was the first nite I slept more than a couple hours straight since April 2010. I slept 6 hours. I could not believe that I did not wake up last nite at all. So I thought I would get dressed, put makeup on fix my hair and go to my Aunts 80th birthday party. (I had not planned to go originally) So I left and went to her party for a couple of hours and then left to go put flowers on Neal's grave. I dreaded that because I just can't seem to not get hysterical at the cemetary. But when I got there, there was a funeral so I just left and decided to go back tomorrow. I came home, did a few things around the house and cooked dinner which I have only done 3 or 4 times in 4 months. So my day has been better than my other days. Of course I have cried some, like in my car and when I drove down my driveway knowing Neal was not here, but I did not get hysterical and panic. So that is good. Now tomorrow might be like all my other days, but I thank God for today.

 

I am going to try the taking the deep breaths and meditating whenever I start to panic to see if that helps. My doctor put me on a different med, but I don't always want to be on antidepressants and meds for panic attacks. I have always thought of myself as a strong woman, but I feel so weak, can't make up my mind about anything and can't make decissions anymore. This is not me, but I have never been a widow before either. I do not want to be a weak person, but this pain and emptyness is nothing I have ever had to deal with before.

 

I leave Tuesday the 15th for Florida and am staying 2 weeks. I think this will be good as I have not been getting out very much. Hugs to you and I'll write when I get back.  Linda

Suzanne said:

Hi Linda,

I am so sorry for your loss and I wish I could have responded sooner as I wanted to let you know that today at the Hospice grief meeting I attend regularly, the 2 bereavement leaders of the group as well as 2 others who have been attending the meetings all told me how much I have changed.  I don't see it, but judging from what they told me, even though I still feel the same way as when I started the meetings last April, it is possible to live with our sadness and all that goes along with the territory of grieving.  I am amazed that they think I'm doing better.  I don't understand how they think I'm changing but I guess it's inevitable.  So, even though things seem like their darkest right now, with the support of others like the friends I have found here at legacy, we can't help but change.  I hope you have some kind of peace as you grow and discover all that there is to know about what we're going through.  I guess I have, but I'm still in pain and I know you are too.  I still feel panicky sometimes but it doesn't last as long as it once did.  Sometimes I weep or have pangs of lonliness and sadness but I know at the time that on the following day the feelings go away for a while, thank God, while I am being distracted by the routine of life and my family helps and it helps me to share my feelings at legacy, so I hope you keep talking or sharing with anyone who you feel understands until you feel you have talked for as long as you need to.  This is such a good place to have our feelings validated and I have found relief.  A little understanding goes a very long way in this, the worst time in our lives.

 

I was really shocked when you said that your counselor told you that you have to get rid of his belongings.  I don't know of anyone that would tell you to do that.  Obviously the counselor you had did not lose their spouse.  I do not exaggerate when I tell you that no one who knows what's best for you would tell you to do that.  I have found that there is no one right or wrong way to grieve.  With regards to taking care of our spouse's clothes the right time to do that is when you decide it's the right time to do it.  Getting rid of our loved one's possesions/clothes has nothing to do with "getting better" or "healing" for only we each can know when and if it is time.  I hope you would consider another counselor but one that specializes in grief.  They may not have all the answers, but someone that is on our side and is supportive is what we need when we are feeling this emotional roller coaster. 

 

Each and every one of us has to decide for ourselves what we need to do, so I am just speaking for myself here.  There came a time that whenever anyone asked me to go out I would go, since I don't have my own transportation and it helped me in a huge way to have something to look forward to, or to have company or a distraction or a diversion, but it's up to you.  It's just a suggestion.  You could just try it to see if it helps.  I know it's so hard, and I feel exactly the same way as you and I have to admit that going out with family and friends whether they understood me or not, really did help me in the long run, even though I still feel and think the way I do, it got me through because now I realize that we must be kind to ourselves and who is more deserving to have kindness than us.

 

I'm so glad that you are able to get away when you would rather not stay as it would be more painful.  You will be coming back to the security of 'home' so in my opinion visiting your Aunt would be a very good way to look at life from a different perspective.  Maybe by taking deep breaths and meditating it would help should you decide to go.  I know you will do what is 'right' for you and I will remember you in my prayers.   We are all here for one another and for you, because although our stories may vary, the pain is the same.  Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

 

Suzanne,

     I, too, am so very sorry you are feeling so depressed, but completely understand your feelings!  At times, I think I am no better than when my hubby passed on June 20, 2009.  I, like you, have lost interest in anything and everything I once enjoyed!!  I don't sleep well and don't have any interest in doing or going anywhere without Junior.  My television stays on all time . .just for the noise.  I can't seem to concentrate long enough to watch a movie or read . . which I have always loved to do!  Please know that we all want to hear from you - uplifting or not!!  Sometimes, just coming to this site to read everyone's posts lets me know that I am not going crazy and that someone somewhere is experiencing the same weird feelings I am!  I once considered myself a strong person, but the loss of my love has shown me just how weak I really am and can be!!  It also helps to get my thoughts out...to people who don't look at me like I have lost my mind and who are going through the same things.  None of us asked for this, but at some point in time all of us must go through the loss of our love!  Just know that all of you, and especially you Suzanne, are always in my thoughts and prayers.  May God bless and keep you in His loving care!  Hugs to you.    On this upcoming Valentine's Day, we can all be thankful for the love that we shared and  know how very blessed we were to have our love in our life!!! 

Hugs!! 

Deb

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