Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Connie on February 14, 2011 at 7:58pm

Suzanne,  I just want you to know that I am always here for you if you need to talk.  I feel the pain you are going through because I, too, am feeling that pain.  Please feel free to call me anytime that you need to talk.  I will be here for you.

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 16, 2011 at 7:16am

Suzanne,

I posted here earlier because I have been feeling as you wrote that you feel. But, I'd like you to click on my icon & go to my pg. here. I was questioning why am I still here & what am I supposed to be doing also. I feel so helpless at times. I then went home after posting that statement on my page & opened my bible by chance to 1Timothy 4 -I think it was verse 18. It told me EXACTLY what I should be doing. I read books 4 & 5 which was mostly devoted to widows! That was so awesome! I then went back to the beginning & read all of 1 Timothy. I feel so much better. I hope it will help you also. What I got from it was that we should be focused on God & sharing Him with others by using our God given talents. Maybe you'll take it differently, but the bible I read was a living bible & pretty direct/straight forward.  I hope this helps. I'd love to hear back from you if you feel like sharing. HUGS, Christy

Permalink Reply by Jo on February 16, 2011 at 7:41am

I am going to be very direct here.MAKE YOURSELF GET OUT and do something for someone besides yourself!The more you wallow in self-pity,the more you will get to depend on it as the only feeling you know how to have.I hate that my husband died,and I miss him and all the things we liked to do together,but did you ever stop to think there might have been some things you would like to have done,but he wasn't interested? DO IT NOW! Make a Facebook page and I bet you'll find some people to talk to.People on this site don't talk,they preach and say all the things you want to hear,NOT what you need to hear,which is,there is a new 'normal" for all of us and either we learn to live with it and make it work for us,or we we become the most uninteresting,depressed people in  the world.I choose to try and make it work for,not against me.I am also joining a grief counceling group,which may or may not be a good thing:it has been 6 months today since my husband died,Not sick,no warning,and it is really hard to be without him,but I am and I have to go on for myself and my family,so I will make the effort to do just that.Pep talk for the day!

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 16, 2011 at 11:59am

Jo,

I agree with you about most everything you say here except you said peope here only "preach & say things you want to hear NOT what you need to hear." You just did. I agree we all need to get out, and focus our attentions elsewhere. Just last night I forced myself to go to a small group meeting at a local restuarant where we each shared good & bad from past few weeks and went on to discuss/plan a community garden. I'm so glad I went! But... what sounds like "preaching" to one person, is good medicine to others. Whatever works to remind us to make everyday count is good with me.

Jo said:

I am going to be very direct here.MAKE YOURSELF GET OUT and do something for someone besides yourself!The more you wallow in self-pity,the more you will get to depend on it as the only feeling you know how to have.I hate that my husband died,and I miss him and all the things we liked to do together,but did you ever stop to think there might have been some things you would like to have done,but he wasn't interested? DO IT NOW! Make a Facebook page and I bet you'll find some people to talk to.People on this site don't talk,they preach and say all the things you want to hear,NOT what you need to hear,which is,there is a new 'normal" for all of us and either we learn to live with it and make it work for us,or we we become the most uninteresting,depressed people in  the world.I choose to try and make it work for,not against me.I am also joining a grief counceling group,which may or may not be a good thing:it has been 6 months today since my husband died,Not sick,no warning,and it is really hard to be without him,but I am and I have to go on for myself and my family,so I will make the effort to do just that.Pep talk for the day!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on February 16, 2011 at 1:13pm

Dear Jo,

I am not wallowing in self pity.  It's called grieving.  I do go out, and I do help others, but I don't go on Facebook because my entire family would be able to read my deepest, darkest secrets which is one of the reasons I come here on legacy.  On Facebook, my family would discover how deeply depressed and empty I feel and know that they can't do anything for me and I wouldn't want them to feel bad. This is my safety net, to share my rage, to vent, to seek support, provide support if and when I can.  We each have our own individual unique way of grieving because the millions and millions who are grieving are each unique.  There are no right or wrong ways of grieving.  We have a right to grieve in any way that we feel is right for each of us.  There is no timeframe for grieving.  No widow can be coerced into "thinking positive" or to live how others live.  I come here and I go on other online grief support groups and 9 times out of 10 others have said they feel the same way I do and that I wrote what they were feeling and they were grateful to me that their feelings were validated.  I can't stop the way I feel.  I come here on legacy because they are very caring people here and I feel relief and peace when others show concern and I receive words of comfort from others who are sadly, feeling the exact same way.   Why do you come on legacy?

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on February 16, 2011 at 7:31pm

Jo, I don't know what gives you the idea that anyone on this site is wallowing in self pity and that the rest of us are just trying to placate the others. Many people are sharing their ups and downs and moving forwards and moving on. We are all at different levels and at different stages along this "grief" process and we are each different. We each share that very thing most every time we post. This site allows us the freedom to say what needs to be said and often times that is just by speaking we know we are not crazy. Our normal life is different now and sharing our thoughts helps others share with us that they often feel the same so we know its okay. We feel validated here and it hurts to hear you tell us we are wallowing in self-pity and that is wrong. Some days that is how we get thru the day. It is part of the grieving process too. I am sorry you aren't getting your needs met here and feel the need to hurt others. We already hurt and need to be here for one another to help ourselves as well as help others. Many of us are part of support groups beyond here, many of us do volunteer work for others, many of us are searching for ways to move forward and are. Many of us don't share THIS on our facebook pages because that is for our family and friends and this is for help and understanding in our hour of need. I am happy you are moving on but know that at 6 months a backslide or two is normal and we will be here for you too if you decide you need us afterall.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on February 16, 2011 at 10:03pm

Dear Jo,

I didn't realize it's only been 6 months for you.  Please forgive me if this sounds patronizing because it's not meant to me, but I wanted to let you know that maybe you aren't aware of what I have discovered in these past 13 months.  I have gone to grief meetings, Hospice Widow groups, have read grief books, I go to therapy, and I posted and replied on about 10 online grief groups and have picked up some information that has made me realize that so many many people feel the same way that I do.  I don't know everything, I just know me.  I wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss and I have found out that what we're feeling is "normal" for those who have our hearts ripped out by the death of our spouse and that we are not crazy for how we feel, empty inside, lonely and totally undeserving of being the survivor.  I am sorry I got so defensive and I would only hope that should you decide to stay here or  wherever you need for support that you would know it's really okay that others, such as myself, will grieve for as long as it takes.  Every one has to come to their own personal conclusions.  What I have found out is that if we try to get over our loss too quickly and NOT GO THROUGH THE FEELINGS then those feelings will come back on us with a vengeance.  Others think as you do and use positive thinking but each of us has to decide for ourselves what we need to do.  The "Ten Rights of Widows" says it all.  All I know for me is that I have to go through the feelings. There is just so much to know.  There is no one solution for everyone.  In my opinion, going through my loss, I don't believe anyone can pick up their life after such a huge change such as our loved one's demise.  I've been with my husband for 39 years and the day after January 22, 2010 there was nothing.  It takes as long as it takes to come to terms with our loss, whether it's expected or sudden, and we never, ever really get over grief.  We just learn to manage the pain better as time goes on.  There is no set of instructions that comes with grief.  That would be wonderful if all anyone would have to do is get out and help others and think positive and we'd be totally recovered, healed.  It doesn't work for me that way.  If it worked that way for everyone, you would make millions.  Once again, I am sorry for the loss of your husband and I will remember you in my prayers.

God bless,

Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Jo on February 17, 2011 at 8:31am

My comments were meant as alternative actions one might take to at least start to work through the grief,I am a basket case many days and especially at night and on weekends,and since I know this is my pattern,I try to make something happen that can get my mind on something else for a while.It doesn't always work,6 months is a very short time,and I have No illusions that I will get back to a 'Normal" life,any time soon,if ever.

I do have to depend largely on myself,because people don't get it unless they've been there,and you're right,they have jobs,kids,families,and my sadness is not their first priority.I keep as much of my feelings to myself as I can and try to be cheerful and friendly when I am around other people.

What might work for me this week may not work at all in a month.Who knows? It's a process and everone will have a diifferent experience with grief.I am only trying to make some possitves out of a very negative situation.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on February 17, 2011 at 8:39am

thank you Jo for replying. We did have our backs up because I for one thought it sounded like you were attacking us for being too negative and not trying to move forward. We are all trying to do our best with what we have to work with. Many different situations, many without any support systems at home, many just beginning the journey with no understanding of the road ahead. Most of us have to do this journey alone which is why we want to be here for each other so we don't have to feel so alone. We can't always be "cheerful and friendly around other people", as much as we try. Many times I stop and tell my family, I am very sorry I am having a bad day, minute, hour, whatever and I want to be in a good mood but please know that I am trying and let me breath a little, say what I need to say at this moment, and then we will move forward together. It is helping me and my family. My year is coming next week and I think my family is wondering how I will be handling it and are on pins and needles. I think by forwarning them, it helps everyone. My opinion.. whatever works for each of us. I love suggestions and ideas from the others to help this journey along. Know that we will be here as much as we can for you Jo. This is a tough road for all of us. Hugs

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 18, 2011 at 7:29am

Jo,

I'm so glad you responded back. Since I've been coming here, you are one of the most positive voices I've found. I appreciate the suggestions people share about what works (or doesn't) for them. I am a fairly "religious" person and rely heavily on God & my religious upbringing to get me through this, so it reflects in my postings. I realize it could be a turn off for some, but know for others it's all good. I wish you the best-Christy

Jo said:

My comments were meant as alternative actions one might take to at least start to work through the grief,I am a basket case many days and especially at night and on weekends,and since I know this is my pattern,I try to make something happen that can get my mind on something else for a while.It doesn't always work,6 months is a very short time,and I have No illusions that I will get back to a 'Normal" life,any time soon,if ever.

I do have to depend largely on myself,because people don't get it unless they've been there,and you're right,they have jobs,kids,families,and my sadness is not their first priority.I keep as much of my feelings to myself as I can and try to be cheerful and friendly when I am around other people.

What might work for me this week may not work at all in a month.Who knows? It's a process and everone will have a diifferent experience with grief.I am only trying to make some possitves out of a very negative situation.

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