Hello all....well last Friday was 9 months for me and it still doesnt seem real to me that my Frank is gone and not coming home.  No one understands me and most everyone is annoyed and stay away from me.  I think they all think I have gone over the edge.  They all timed me when they all think I should be over it.  Its like to all of them that Frank never existed and thats it.  I will never let that happen.  He was here, we have 3 kids that are here grieving and I am never going to act like thats it and move on.  I still go to the cemetery almost everyday and I guess that is crazy to them.  The worst part is I dont like the person I am turning into.  I am getting very hard...I read the paper and look at the obituaries and if someone died at like 50 years old I say oh well they still lived longer than Frankie (he was 48).  I am trying to go back to church but I feel nothing when I am there.  I feel like I begged god not to take him and he didnt listen to me and now what am I going to pray for?????  The worst thing is my dad is 69 and has been battling lung cancer for 4 years now.  They removed one lung then it popped up in the other lung but with radiation and chemo they say its gone.  Do you believe I actually cried when he told me he was cancer free???? Not out of happiness but I felt like he lived, he saw his kids grow up and marry and saw his grandchildren.  Frank didnt get to see his kids grow up why did he have to die and my father be cured.  I am ashamed to tell all of you that I feel that way.  I know its wrong but I just miss Frank so much and he wanted to be here so much and stay with our kids that I dont understand whats fair anymore.  My father has not lived a good life.  He always cheated on my mother when I was a kid and has done some very not so nice things and he got a cure.  Frank was always with me and the kids and never hurt a fly in his life but hes gone.  I guess it is true that only the good die young.  My little one is only 12 years old and misses her dad so much that it breaks my heart. My family went to the cemetery with me yesterday and my stupid mother made a comment that she doesnt want to go into the ground and let the bugs get her...well she said that in front of my kids and my 16 year old was beside herself hysterical crying about her dad.  I confronted my mother why she would say something stupid like that and she said I was wrong letting my kids think their dad will be preserved because he is in a vault.  Is this not pure evil?????????  I feel like I want to take my kids and go somewhere where no one knows us.  The people that do are heartless and uncaring.  I was always a caring, loving person and im not anymore.  I dont know who I am....what do I do now??? I feel like I am breaking at the seams.  I asked my pastor for an appointment and I am sitting with him tomorrow morning to see if he can help me make heads or tails of my shattered life.  I live like im a robot going through the motions but I feel nothing but pain and heartache inside.  Am I ever going to be a normal happy person again??? I was looking into getting an appointment with John Edward just so I could communicate with Frankie and he could tell me hes Ok and what to do.  Is this normal behavior?  I have been told that mediums are really the devil telling you what you want to hear and not really your loved one.  Oh god...I know nothing.  I dont know what to do about anything.  Am I really nuts????????????

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Really good advice Yaca!!! Hugs..

Yaca Attwood said:

Renee - I have attended two "Light Up A Life" ceremonies held by the hospice that cared for Byron before his death - what they do is have you send in a special picture of your sweetie (or you and your sweetie), and a little write-up, and then one of the hospice people reads what you've written while the picture of your beloved is shown.

You may want to consider doing something similar.

I will also tell you that when they get to 'Byron Raymond Perkins' - I have lost it, and I have cried at the venue - and all the hospice people tell me that it is PERFECTLY OKAY, and they sit next to me, and comfort me.

It can be ANYTHING - how much you miss him, how much your kids miss him, what a great husband and father he was, something special or funny - the last write-up (and everyone told me how much they liked what I'd said), I started with "Dear Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluetus Maximus (this site won't let me use bu*) - I miss you so much, and I love you as much as ever...."

If you decide to participate - do it on YOUR TERMS - don't let ANYONE make you do or not do something!


Peace, wisdom, healing and grace to you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

I understand. I lost my husband suddenly of 18 years right in front of me. I am bitter, mad, and thimk I have lost my damn mind. I started just going off on anyone who crossed my path. I have self destructed trying to ease the pain. Your not nuts. We are greiving. People that tell us we need to move on need to shut their traps..Please do not try to communicate with Frankie. This is satans work. Remember him and the good times you two had. I am praying for you and myself as well.Your kids need you. I try to remember that because we have 5 kids..Plus a blessed grandson.I have started to stay away from family and friends that say stupid things and upset me..Hang in there I am here for you..


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