My husband and I used to have our little traditions and routines. On a Saturday we would attend the 4:00 p.m. Church service, being Catholic, and we would usually come right back and it would be the usual hot dogs & beans & fried potatos & brown bread. Once in a while when he wasn't feeling all that well and I would go to Mass by myself and come back and I would then make our supper. On a very rare occasion when he wasn't ready, being very tired, and I would go to Mass by myself and come back and he would have it all made already and he served me. He would always be the one to make the coffee because everyone in the family knew he made it the best and would hand me some kind of dessert to go with it as we sat in front of the TV together. I have been coming home now more than a hundred times since he passed and I would be depressed and melancholy and sad. Today I came in and visualized him at the stove right before I opened 'our' door and burst into tears. The memories really sting me like a knife. I cried for about an hour, and I know these memories will always bring tears, it's like a constant internal waterfall and they only come out on an occasion such as this. Last month I was so close to getting an antidepressant. It probably would help but I think to myself, what difference would it make now. It's been over a year and there's no pill in the world that will bring him back. No offense to anyone but I also really don't understand others who say that they remember their loved one and smile. I truly believe that will never happen for me. I am so very depressed and I just wanted to let you all know I feel what you feel,...still.
It's been 6 months today I lost my love. Things just hit me out of the blue and I start crying. There is no rhyme or reason, they just hit me.
Sometimes a memory comes back and I smile, but mostly it's tears at the memories.
Have you gone through any counseling? You might try that to see if that would help you.
I wish there was a magic pill we could all take to help us. I just take it a day at a time and hope for the best. I don't cry as often or as hard as I used to....but I still do cry. Sometimes, I wonder how I will feel in a year...then 2...then 3. All I do know is that I don't want to feel like I do now in that time. But only time will tell. All I've learned that works for me is to take it a day at a time....and not look too far ahead.
Dear Suzanne and Maggie....add me to the way you both feel too. I can calmly talk about my Jack to someone and then out of the blue, by myself, actually today it was in the shower of all places...I just start crying, thinking about him, the realization I won't hear his voice, see his smile, feel his hugs, for a long time.
Like you Suzanne, I can picture him in so many places, so many. The thing is you go everywhere you went together and for me anyway, it would drive me crazy if I didn't put "a spin" on it, just feeling him being there with me, as we always did. Maggie, I work in the hospital where my husband passed away. If I didn't have the strength he had and gave to me, I couldn't step foot in the place. Even that said, I plan to retire soon and just start another phase of life when my grandchild is born (1st). So bittersweet even that, that hubby won't be here in the physical way to hold that blessed little one.
We do need to 'do the work' though, feel the pain, experience the tears so we can be closer to our loved ones, because it will bring us to them, we will heal and we will continue to love them dearly and think of them every moment, as we try, and I say try, to find some peace in our own lives, until we see them again.
One small step at a time....just one small step...and know they love you always.
Suzanne, biggggggggggggggg hugsssssssssssssssssss, and God Bless you. I so dont smile yet, when I think of my soulmate yet. I had been getting so depressed, and didnt want to get out of bed each day. Then mum died 5 weeks ago to add to my depression. I could not take this sadness anymore, all the counseling I was getting, didnt even touch sides. All I was, crying and crying and crying each time I spoke to anyone. Getting panic attacks, ringing up helpline, and crying. I fought against antidepressants, and relented in the end. The doctor told me it is not addictive, and he will wean me off, as I get better. I do feel it is starting to help me. I have stopped crying as much. But I think of my loved ones every minute of the day, and still have that empty feeling, like I am here, and my mind is somewhere else. My therapist is the kindest person, and said, I definetly, will not get addicted, as it is different, I am not going to be on it long term. but my God,is helping me too. I pray for healing all the time. I am alone, and dont have any family, but a son that lives out of town. And he cant understand the way I feel. I just dont want to have a breakdown, I have seen a friend have a breakdown, and it was very traumatic. I just am so trying not to go there. You know, we can get all kind of illnesses, with this grieving, as our body gets run down. Please my darling Suzanne, take care of yourself, I know how you feel believe me, I am 9months down the track, and only today, I managed to look in my husbands, garage cupboard, and tidy up his tools, and gardening stuff, and throw out a lot of stuff, that I know I will never use. And guess what, I found a wooden money box, full of coins, and I counted it out today, it was just over $200.00 So I will buy myself a little gift for myself in his memory. I will say I did smile today when I saw that box. Just as well I didnt get anyone to take all that stuff, lol. As I got to the stage, where I was just telling people to take whatever. And my therapist said dont do that I am going to regret that down the track. He must have been saving that to give me a surprise, well I did get a surprise. I have found lots of money in his clothes, however, before I washed them. So I will keep those dollars, for awhile, and when I am ready to really feel like shopping, for myself. That is just what I intend to do.
I rang my therapist and told her she was so pleased, to see I have made a little move. She always says not a day at a time, but hour by hour, and I am getting to believe this. As there are times when I just sit and star gaze, when that happens, I get up and say no stop, do something, then I get on my computer, and that stops me thinking. I am supposed to be writing a journal, each day, but cant get to do that yet, my only journaling, is writing on here, lol. I have had a good few hours, talking to 3 people on the phone today, about my loss, and they listened. Of course, they have lost their spouses, and it is so refreshing when someone understands you. So I am on a bit of high at the moment. That can change, in a few hours, but I am trying so hard to heal. I know my husband would not want me to get sick.. He kept telling me I was strong, the week before he died. Not realising he was going to die, as he always bounced back. Sorry for rambling on. But I just want to encourage you, and embrace your feelings, I wished we lived near each other, then I could visit you. AS I so, do know how you feel. It is like this constant rollercoaster, Take care, and I will continue to pray for you, lots of love xx
Suzanne, There are times when I think of something we did together and smile. Thinking of him makes me sad because I no longer have him and I think of him all the time. I miss him so much it breaks my heart. We were young when we married and we grew up together. He was everything to me. I love my kids but they cannot replace their Dad. He was the sweetest, most considerate man I could have ever known. He was a great husband, father, grandfather and the best friend in the world. My daughter have their own families and although, they miss their Dad very much, they have their own lives to live. I try to let them think that everything is fine but they know better. I have not taken off my wedding ring and will not do that. He is still my husband and, although we are not together right now, I am still his wife. Nothing can change that. Suzanne, I am very depressed and have been worse for the last several weeks. I have seen my doctor and he suggested increasing my anti-depressant. I am tired of fighting by myself and if medication can help me, I am going to take it. I am not living. I am existing. My life dream is to be reunited with my husband. I will not be happy until then. It will be 16 months on March 9th and it hurts more now than it did when he first passed. Everyone says it will get better in time but I don't believe that. I am trying very hard to overcome my grief but I have not been very successful at getting there yet.
Suzanne, We are going through the same hell. All I can say is that I am here to talk to you anytime. May God Bless you.
There are some things I cannot do......I find it hard to go into a Claim Jumper, because that was one of Byron's favorite places....I cannot watch 'America's Funniest Home Videos', because he LOVED watching that every Sunday at 7 PM, Pacific......I am giving some good friends - the people who have kept in contact with me ever since he died on 29 June 2009 the gas grill he bought me (the man was a grillmaster!) and the patio furniture, because I simply don't use either, anymore - I forced myself to go on the patio of the apartment to sweep it - and I did it, and I said to myself "this is just sitting here - I know Pam and Steve would put it to good use - I'm going to give it to them". They were delighted to hear this - it is a very, very nice gas grill
As an aside.....The Lord God placed The Human Male upon the Earth to: (1) Sweep the garage (and patio) (2) Take out the trash (3) Move heavy objects (4) Kill the spiders (related to (1)) - unfortunately, I have to do ALL of these, myself, now - I loathe arachnids, and being in Southern California - I am always afraid of running into latrodectus mactans (black widow) or loxosceles reclusa (brown recluse) - arrrgh!
I have to agree memories do sting. I am not at the point where I think of my husband and smile, its more like cry my heart out because I know I will never see him again and it hurts so badly. I still have a hard time looking at pictures even. As far as an antidepressant, I won't take them because I feel like they will just mask my feelings and then what happens when you decide to stop taking them? Is the depression magically gone or does it get much worse?
With me and him, every day was 'our' day so I guess there are both advantages and disadvantages to having to work. I think that whoever does work they are fortunate that they have some kind of normalcy to hold onto, plus I understand those who need their job to pay the bills that it's a good thing to have to leave where we live on a regular basis because it is so important to go out and not isolate like I do. When we isolate, as in my case, there are memories everywhere, and it never stops. But, thank you for your reply and helping me to know that you know how I feel. It helps me to come to this site also. Hugs.
Memories of him just hit me too. I have been going to counseling for about 6 months. My therapist helps me, but it only goes so far, I still have to come back to an empty apartment. With me, I'm not sure if you'll get what I'm saying but it's worse for me to think that he's not here (forever) than it is for me to suffer the depression and stress I'm going through. I think if he was really sick in a hospital somewhere, or in a coma, then the feeling like this would be more bearable if there were some hope that I could see him physically in this life again somehow. I don't think that magic pill would do the trick unless it brought us back in time, the time when our spouses were with us. But, I really do think that it would help to not think so far in the future as you suggested. Thanks for your reply. Take care.
Dear Carol K.,
I also cry in the shower when times come when it hits me. I cry in the kitchen, all of a sudden, when I know he won't be sneaking up any more while I'm at the sink when I used to do dishes, I hadn't cried when I was in bed for about 6 months after he passed, but I think I was trying not to, because I just couldn't stop the tears from coming any more, I cry while I'm on the PC, I cry while I'm eating, which is why if I could I'd rather not eat at all, but I take nutrition drinks and yogurt when I'm home but if I go out to eat, I am able to curb my desire to weep when I'm in public. Everything we did, like when clicking the channels, I start to sob if something comes on unexpectedly like on 'Harry's Law' last night when they played Elvis' "in the Ghetto" that really got me going. Right at the end, so I couldn't get away from it. It's hard to fight the grief when memories suddenly attack, which is why I don't believe in positive thinking for grief because I don't believe I can think my way out of grief, but that's just what I think. I also am shocked that you are able to work at the hospital. I avoid our local hospital like the plague. All the memories of waiting in the Endoscopy Unit's lobby imagining myself inside the lake of the pictures on the wall, thinking maybe he won't make it, but he always did. Now, I would rather not get my lab work done there, so I go way out of my way to get any tests that my doctor orders. I just couldn't sit where we used to wait for our transportation. Just the thought brings me to tears. I think since you had to go back there to work you must have a lot of strength, you must be a Saint. I think that would be way too hard for me to do. I am just speaking for myself that I will not be healed, because even with the grandchildren and our 2 sons and their families, my happiness and joy will have to wait until the next life. I know not many would agree with me, but that's just the way I believe, so I can only take one day at a time, but as we all know, it's not easy. Thank you for your reply and for your support.
Thank you for the big hugs and I agree that since there is a time for everything, there comes a time when an antidepressant given under the care of a knowledgable doctor or therapist as you have, and if it helps, I say go for it. I also think of him, daily, all day through. As I said before I don't expect a healing, but there's nothing to do but go through the grief and give way to whatever comes. It's so hard and I really understand all that you said. You are doing everything you can, going through the feelings, talking to all who understand, counseling, medication, and I pray for you daily as well as everyone here. Wow, what a surprise to find the money and you knew just what to do with it. That is very good, as I haven't been able to touch any of his clothes but left them and all of his things right where they were, and his eyeglasses and prescription sunglasses are on top of my bureau where he left them. I can't bear to move them. Yes, our feelings do change quickly. He always bounced back too, so I think I am still in some shock even though it's been 13 and a half months. You are absolutely right, I've heard that also from books and bereavement meetings and online support groups that we have to take care of ourselves. I want to thank you so much for your prayers and comforting words. God bless.
I kept my wedding rings on also because the way I look at it when we took our vows, we said, 'til death do us part' and the last time I looked I was still here so they'll stay right on my fingers until my time comes which is when I will give them to our only granddaughter. She is "1" so I don't think she'll need them for a while. This is just what my thought is also, that it will not get better. I know others won't agree but I don't see how it could, my happiness was when he was here, now that he's not here, my chance for happiness died when he died. My 2 sons, his whole family, my whole family, no one that I know understands, but I would only hope they never had the chance to understand. I remember you in my prayers every day but will especially tomorrow and pray you are able to get through the day with peace. I always remember the 22nd as well for me. I have been fasting whenever the 22nd comes around as I wasn't able to do that when it was his anniversary. Fasting and prayer is what I have come to hold onto. There's nothing much else to hold onto any more. Besides other than the very caring people here and grief meetings and God, there is no where to hide, no where to turn. Please take care. I'll try to call sometime. It feels relief to know you and others understand. Thank you for that.
I also find much that would be impossible for me to do without an unbearable burden and without being able to control the tears. I understand, so it was good you were able to give those things away. I have been finding lately that at times when I am not thinking of my emotions, I will get rid of some things that I really don't need, like the coffee machine he used to make us both coffee and some other items. It was just collecting dust and I don't make coffee for myself so without stopping to think I took it out to the dumpster, said a little prayer over it, saying thank you to him for all the coffee he made me and couldn't walk away without a tear, though. That was about 2 months ago. I just couldn't bear seeing it any more. I also avoid places we went together, like the beach that his sister used to take us, I'll never go there again, and I avoid certain TV shows that I know he really enjoyed. I couldn't watch Joel Osteen by myself any more. So, I really do know what you mean. Now, I'm grieving for the fact that I won't be able to be scared if there's a spider or other insect in our apartment, but since he passed on 1/22/10 I haven't come across anything so there's a small consolation. You are in my prayers.
Yes, I really do understand and as long as I don't gaze at his photos for too long a time, I can deal with the pain in my heart. I also am exhausted with my mind, body and soul from missing him. I also pray a lot. It seems that's the only thing I can do well. That's too bad about the troubles you are stressing over with family. I've heard of others who are at war with their spouse's family as well and it is so sad. It must be hard to deal with. I feel very grateful that it seems I have 2 families, mine and his. There are many on both sides but they can't do the only thing I would want which of course you must know it would be to make this nightmare be just that, a bad dream. So, I just come on these grief sites and share my deepest secrets that only those here know what I'm talking about. But, you have the power of prayer, and you must find solace in that. You seem to have found the strength you need from God to get through all the troubling times so you can grieve. But I know it also helps to come here and share it with others. Thank you for your reply and your support. Death is not fair, I agree, and so I guess that means life isn't fair. But it is what it is. I just have to say that to myself when I am at a loss as to what to say. But I really thank you for support. You are in my prayers.
I really really don't understand some people in other grief support sites can actually say that they can remember their spouse in their thoughts or looking at a picture and smile with affection. I know I should only speak for myself but it just amazes me. I can't do it now and I don't think I'll ever be able to. I guess we all do have some differences. I think men grieve differently. I usually take each person on a case by case basis but generally speaking I think that's true about men, although I could be wrong. But it's usually men that say they have a photo of their wife and talk to her. I just can't bring myself to do that. Not without ending up crying. But I'm not sure how the antidepressants are supposed to work. If when we stop taking them, will the feelings get worse. That's a good question for a psychiatrist. I just decided for myself that pills can't do the only thing I would want them to do. Bring him back. I truly know how you feel and will remember you in my prayers. I also wish there was something we could do for each other, so for now we can only do what we can. Take care.